"The timezones are different, so you'll be telling me goodmorning as I tell you goodnight." Austin said, putting his last suitcase in the trunk.
He was getting ready to leave- again. We had five minutes to say goodbye.
"I obviously don't want you to go, but this is your life now; you've worked so hard to be able to do this. i'm glad you're going." he leaned against the door.
"Come here," he pulled me close so that we looked each other in the eyes. "i'll text you as much as I can, okay? I'll only be gone a month."
"Only a month? Austin, that's a long time..."
He sighed. "I know babe, but I have to go."
"Aye, Austin. We gotta go. Hiya Baeley!" Alex waved.
I waved back, and then turned back to Austin. He squeezed me tight when I started crying.
"Hey beautiful," he smiled softly and touched my face. "Don't cry. i'll be home soon, I promise. Keep your head up, princess. Your tiara is falling."
I bit my bottom lip and he hugged me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed. "I'm gonna miss you."
"I'm gonna miss you too." he whispered, looking into my eyes.
He kissed me then, softly. I tried not to smile, but the sensation that ran through my body when we touched made it happen.
"You always ruin it, Baeley." he grinned.
"I'm sorry! I can't help it!" I put my face against his neck.
"Babe, no." he jumper-cabled me, forcing me to lose my balance.
He caught my sleeve, and when I was balanced again he pulled them up, revealing my scars. "Baeley."
"Austin."
"You've been clean for our whole relationship. It's only been a month, but I believe in you. If you need me, call me. I don't care if it happens to be 4 in the morning where I am. Call. I'm soo proud of you, babe." he kissed my cheek.
"I love you so much." I said, taking his snapback.
"I love you too. I have to go, okay?"
We hugged again, and he kissed me goodbye. It was going to be hard, but I would have to manage the paparazzi and his Mahomies by myself.
I went into my house and sat on the couch. Now that Alex, Zach, Robert, and Austin were gone, I had nothing to do. Usually on days like this we would go to the beach or take my four dogs for a walk.
"Call Kayden and see if she can come over or you guys can go to the mall or something. Don't just sit around and mope because Austin left." my dad said, coming into the room about an hour later.
"I'm not moping. Don't be rude to me because you're having a bad day, okay?" I replied, knowing that it would make him angry.
"Baeley, don't start..." he warned.
I just picked my phone up and called my best friend, Kayden. I'd do anything to get out of my house and away from him. Ever since my mom died, he and my brother Caleb had been moody and treated me like I was nothing.
"I'm going to the mall. Then I might stay at Kayden's because I don't want to be yelled at for no reason." I picked up my car keys and slipped into Ugg boots.
"Baeley, I know I've been an asshole lately, and I'm sorry. Losing mom... it hurt." my dad said before I could get out the door.
I stopped and shut my eyes. "Dad, did you ever think that maybe it wasn't only you that it hurt? She was part of mine and Caleb's life too. You treat me as though it's my fault that she's gone, when it's not," I turned around. "We all lost her. D'you know how many times I've fucking cried myself to sleep because I blame myself for her death?!"
I was crying. He came over, and I pushed his hand away. "Baeley, please. At least listen to me... I did blame you, I did. She went out to find you when you didn't tell us where you went. When neither of you came home, Caleb went out and didn't come back for hours. I got the call and I hated you, I really did. You thought at 16 that you were a grown up, that you could just go places without telling us. You don't understand, honey, that you... You cried so hard. I couldn't even comfort you, because I didn't know how... Caleb thought that if you'd have just called and said where you were, she wouldn't've gone out looking and she'd still be alive. Baeley, honey, i'm so sorry... I love you, and whether you love me back or not is okay. I was wrong to blame you. I'm part of the reason for those scars on your arms and legs, aren't I?" tears were streaming from both of our eyes.
At first, I didn't know what to do or what to say. Then I said; "Yes. Yes, you are. Caleb is too. I couldn't live with the fact that the only family I had left hated me, hated me for something that wasn't my fault..."
He took me into his arms then, and we cried together. "I'm so sorry baby girl... You don't deserve that at all. Austin... he really changed you."
All I could do was cry, and when I finally stopped I felt better. I had a dad again. I may not have a brother, but I had my dad back.
"Go. Kayden is probably wondering where you are. Here." he handed me a hundred dollar bill.
"I have money..." I said, wiping the tears away.
"I know, but here." he shoved it into my hand and I took it.
"Thanks." I didn't know what to say. This didn't mean we were "good" again. But it did change how I felt.
"I'll call if i'm coming home. Otherwise, i'm at Kayden's." I learned that no matter how long I was gone or where I was going to be, I had to tell him.
I left, but I didn't pull out of my driveway right away. I sat at the wheel thinking, and was pulled back into reality when my phone rang.
"I'm leaving now. Sorry, something came up." I said to Kayden, starting my Camaro.
When I pulled into her driveway, she ran out of her house and flopped into the passenger seat.
"Were you crying? Is it Austin?" she asked immediately.
I shook my head. "No, it wasn't Austin. i'll explain later. I just want to shop."
When we got to the mall twenty minutes later, the first place we went to was Rue 21; Kayden had to check her schedule for the following week. I was looking at shorts when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
"Hi, uhm, are you Baeley Carson?" a voice asked.
I grinned; "Yes, I am."
"Oh my god, I'm a huge Mahomie and I just want you to know that you and Austin are so cute! You're so pretty! I dyed my hair trying to get it to look like yours!"
I blushed at the compliments."Aww, thank you, Austin would love to hear that! And aww stop it, you're beautiful! And I'd say you did a pretty good job, except my hair is just really long!" I have long, brunette hair that's curly but its the kind of the curls you'd get from curling your hair. It's a blessing and a curse.
"Austin is such a good singer! I love him so much! And when I met him last year me called me pretty! Oh my god I can't believe it's you. Do you follow Mahomies on twitter because if so will you please follow me I love you!" she was barely breathing.
I hugged her, laughing. "Yes I follow Mahomies! How about you write your user on my arm and i'll follow you later?"
I handed her a Sharpie and she carefully wrote on my arm. "Thank you so much oh my gosh! Can I take a picture with you please?" she held out her phone.
"Of course!" I took it and made sure she was ready before I pushed the button. "Here ya go!"
She fangirled and I smiled, turning back to the rack of shorts.
"Mahomie?" Kayden asked, coming out of the office.
I nodded. "Yeah."
We left, heading towards the Verizon store. I had ordered a few phone cases that I was hoping would be in.
"Austin left this morning, right?" Kayden asked as I opened the door.
"Yeah, it was hard saying goodbye. But he'll be home soon." I went to the cashier and handed her my printed receipt.
"A month is actually a long time." Kayden said, looking at the wall of iPhone 5s cases.
"I know! Austin thinks it's gonna be over fast but when we don't talk for a few days because he's busy he'll understand how I feel."
"He can't pursue his dreams and have a normal life too, Baeley. I think you've both gotta realize that."
"Don't quote Jake's song! I already know it's hard. I've been doing this for a month. In that sense it doesn't seem long, feels like we just met. But when you don't see the person you love for a month, it's actually a lot longer."
"He's living his dreams though, that's what counts. You're just lucky to be dating someone like him, most guys are assholes."
"I know. It was kind of an accident. I never did tell you how it happened, did I?" I laughed, thanking the woman and paying for the three cases.
Kayden shook her head. "One day you were my best friend who went to an Austin Mahone concert and the next thing I knew, you said, "Austin and I are dating." and then you had paps at your door asking mad questions and Caleb cursing because they woke him up."
"Oh my god." I laughed. "Let's get some lunch and i'll tell you the story. Although I swear I've told you. You're my best friend, I tell you everything."
"You left your relationship on the DL because of his career. The stress, I think. I read it in a magazine." she shrugged, and I looked at her.
I seriously could not believe that I hadn't told my best friend of 15 years about my relationship with Austin Mahone. "Everything you know you know because of the damn magazines?"
"Yep."
"Why didn't you ever ask?"
"I figured you'd tell me when the time was right. I mean, it's only been a month. And, you and I haven't really hung out much since then because I was in Cali." we went to the Chinese place next to Spencers.
"Well yeah but still, I literally told everyone. Wait. That makes me sound like an attention whore. But still, I told everyone so that when it made it to the news, it wasn't a shock. Plus Austin told his Mahomies the day it happened so they didn't have to hear it from the idiots at TMZ or something." I said, still not believing I hadn't told her.
She laughed. "Baels, you really didn't tell me. But you're about to. Let's order first though." we set our stuff down at a booth and went to the buffet.
When we sat down, we were approached by a group of girls. "Hey, aren't you Austin Mahone's girlfriend?"
I nodded, my mouth full.
"You're so lucky! I follow you on twitter, and I think your relationship with Austin is the cutest thing!" the oldest looking girl said.
I swallowed before saying; "Thank you! I'm still getting used to this, so excuse me if I'm a little rude or something."
"Your name is Baeley right? I love how it's spelled!" another girl said.
"Yes, it is." I laughed. "Thank you! It gets annoying sometimes because it's so different!"
"You're so pretty!"
"What's Austin like when he's not performing? Is he as perfect as he seems?" the older girl asked.
I hesitated. I had to watch how much I said, Austin did need some privacy. "He's really sweet, and he has so much respect for you guys. He really appreciates you all supporting him. He's silly, even when he's just with me and the crew. Uhm, he sings a lot actually, and he usually sits on his phone because he doesn't get to do that a lot. Uh, he likes to go around hotels and stuff shirtless, I don't know." I laughed.
"Oh my Jesus you're so lucky!" they all exclaimed simultaneously.
I grinned. "You could say that. I'm just glad to have him in my life."
"Would you mind signing our phones and taking a picture?"
"I'd be happy to!" I smiled, taking all of their phones and signing the cases.
They left, and Kayden and I finished eating. "Spill it. From the day of the concert. I want every little detail."
I sighed. "Okay, so I went to the August 12 concert with Carley and Hannah. We didn't have meet and greets though, so we left the gates for ten minutes. We were walking past the ferris wheel and Alex and Austin were just there. So Carley went over to them and you know how shy I am, I couldn't talk right away. Plus I don't think it helped that I was wearing shorts and you could see my scars. Austin immediately hugged us and I started crying because for ten seconds I had held my world in my arms. He wiped my tears away and I heard Alex asking one of them about my legs. When Austin let go he said, "Please don't cry, everything is gonna be okay 'cause you're beautiful and you don't have to hurt anymore." Then Alex pulled him away and told him and then when he came back, he was like, "I have to go back to the trailer now but I want to talk to you later. Where are your seats for the concert?"" I paused for a second to take a drink. "So, I told him. And when he pulled me on stage singing U, I started crying again and he laughed and said, "Don't cry baby, you don't have to worry anymore because I'm here and I'm not gonna let it happen again." Which of course made me cry more because like duhh it's Austin Mahone and he just called me baby. But anyways, when he ran with me off stage, he told me his number and I put that shit in my phone literally as he was saying it. Then he said, "Call me later so we can talk, Baeley." I guess Carley and Hannah had told Alex what my name was and he'd repeated it to Austin."
"Keep going." she put her legs up on the table.
"So... I called him. And we talked for six hours. He kept saying he wasn't tired but he was yawning, and he wouldn't let me hang up. He told me that I was gonna tell him why I'd cut and he wanted to know how he'd helped me through whatever it was that I was going through. We met for lunch the next day, and I told him. About moms death, about Caleb and dad blaming me, about being bullied at school after it happened, and about how his relentlessness and the fact that he didn't give up when he was bullied and hated on kept me strong. Kayden, that day, in the coffee shop, that was actually the day I met Austin. Because he was a different person. He didn't interrupt me, but instead encouraged me. I felt awful for talking so much but he told me to keep going. When I cried, he wiped my tears away. He even told some Mahomies that he couldn't talk at the moment because he was helping a friend, and he told them to come back later." I remembered everything as if it had happened yesterday; when in fact it had happened almost three months ago.
"When we left, he took me to his studio and sang 'Beautiful Soul' to me. He kissed my cheek before dropping me off. I didn't necessarily forget that it had happened, because you don't forget that kind of thing, but I was surprised when Austin texted me the next day, and we started texting and facetiming and I fell for him. Really hard. He told me after we'd talked for about two months that he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he thought he'd fallen for me too. I have to admit, I was scared as hell because I know from experience that Mahomies are cruel sometimes, but I love them and they're part of the reason I'm still alive too. When Austin said, "Baeley, I want to be more than just friends with you; will you be my princess?" I literally died Kayden, you don't understand. But anyways, he announced to his Mahomies that "he was taken" and even included my username in the process, and so instantly my twitter blew up. I do get hate, but I expected that."
"So, my best friend was talking to Austin Mahone for three months and I didn't even know until like three weeks ago?"
"Yes. But I can make it up to you! Zach is single and when you and I snapchat he always asks about you!" I teased.
She took her feet down. "Shut. Up. You're lying." she glared at me.
"I swear to God I'm not." I held up my hands.
"Baeley Marie, stop it!"
"Uhm, not doing anything here but speaking the truth!" I laughed.
We left a tip and paid, and headed for Claires.
"They never have Austin stuff." Kayden said.
"I know, they're slackin'."
I saw a Justin Bieber shirt that I had to get, and Kayden got one too.
"You're such a blonde." I laughed, rolling my eyes as she went back because she got the wrong size.
She glared at me. "Being blonde is not a bad thing."
"I know, I know. But it does have a little bit of an effect on you."
She punched my arm. "Shut up, I get better grades than you."
"Maybe in math." I laughed, almost running into someone.
"I'm sorry." I apologized, feeling guilty when she dropped her bags.
The woman turned around. "You're fine, I need to watch where I'm going!"
Kayden and I helped retrieve her things, and when I stood up I realized who she was. "Oh my gosh, Mrs. Matson!"
"Baeley? Kayden? Oh, girls how have you been!?" our sixth grade English teacher asked.
"We've been good, how have you been?" Kayden replied.
"I've been hanging in there! Baeley, I hear you're kind of famous now?"
"Well not exactly..." I laughed.
"Pft, she's a big deal! She's dating a famous singer." Kayden punched my arm.
"Oh, that's wonderful! I hope you're doing okay, and that you're doing well in school."
We nodded. "Of course!"
"That's great to hear, ladies!" she praised.
"Well, good seeing you!" we parted ways, and I was happy.
"Wow, everyone knows now, huh?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Let's go get a magazine, let's see if you're in it."
I wasn't used to the fame, it was overwhelming to have people know your name and face but you not have any idea who they are. I felt bad for Austin, because not only were there paparazzi all around me, but there was a lot of people looking at us and all I could do was smile and wave. Eventually it would get to be something I just ignored, but sometimes they got annoying.
"I guess you could say that you're famous because half of those people probably work for magazines and such." Kayden pointed.
I mumbled, "Mhm."
We decided to leave, the mall was getting busy and I was starting to get uncomfortable. Usually Austin is around to talk to them or something.
"Do you regret it yet?" Kayden asked as we exited the mall.
"Regret what?" I asked.
"Yanno, dating Austin."
I thought about it. Did I? "No. I knew from the start that I was going to have paparazzi following me and Mahomies asking questions. It's a lot to take in, yes, but I don't regret it. He's asked me that too, he feels like it hurts me or something but all it did was put my face out there and now I have a label I guess you could say, but no, I don't regret it."
"I don't know if I could do it." she shook her head.
"They all know about my cuts too, and there's been rumors started that we've had to clear up. Mama tends to comfort me a lot." I said, unlocking the car.
"I'm sure. Well, I'm always here, okay?" she looked at me.
"You're my best friend. I'm always here for you too."
We decided to just go to her house, and shortly after we pulled out of the driveway there were paparazzi behind us.
"Shit." I cursed, not wanting them to follow us to Kayden's.
"It's fine, Baeley. My parents aren't home anyways." she seemed to read my mind.
"Still though, I'd like to have some privacy..."
Twenty minutes later we pulled into her garage and went in through the garage house door. I wasn't avoiding them necessarily, I was just... ignoring the fact that they were there.
For the rest of the night, we cuddled on the couch and watched Mean Girls and The Walking Dead.
•••
"Austin comes home tonight." I said to my 19 year old brother Caleb.
"That's nice." he said coldly.
"You know, you don't have to be a dick."
"You know, you don't have to be alive."
That shocked me; he'd never said it aloud before. I knew he'd thought it. But he had never said it.
"What?" I asked.
"You heard me." he was playing the xbox.
"No, Caleb. Say it again."
"No, Baeley. Saying it once was enough, it got my point across and I know you heard me."
"Look at my wrists. At my fucking thighs. LOOK Caleb! Look what this shit does to me!" I stood in front of the TV, my thighs even with his eyes.
He looked away. "No."
"YOU did this to me! The shit you said, the shit you did after mom died. This is what happened to me! I blamed myself just like you and dad did! D'you think I wanted her to fucking die!? No!"
I forced him to look at me, at my wrists and my thighs and the scars that were clearly visible there.
"You know what?" I whispered. "You really want me dead, don't you?" I looked at him, tears welling in my eyes.
He clenched his jaw as if he was going to cry. "No, Baeley. I don't. I should have never said that. I don't want to lose you too. I'm so sorry... I didn't know that this is what I was doing to you..." a tear fell from his eyes.
I stared at him, willing him to speak again.
"I was so pissed when I found mom, she was literally two minutes from the house. All I could think about was you, that it was your fault. Because if you would've called she wouldn't have gone out. She wouldn't have died..."
"It wasn't my fault. Caleb, I have to tell myself that sentence every morning. Because not only did you and dad blame me, but I began to blame myself. And now that I realize it wasn't my fault, I still need reassurance that it really wasn't my fault. Or else i'll blame myself again. I really will."
He paused the game and I touched his face. "I miss having a big brother..."
"I miss having a little sister." he whispered.
"I love you..." I said, kissing his cheek.
"I love you too, Baeley..."
I went to bed then, knowing Austin wouldn't be home til early in the morning. Me not sleeping would not be a good thing.