Lauren's POV
"Don't tell me you're agreeing with them, Lauren?" Camila's lips were quivering, a tell-tale sign that she's fighting back tears, as she confirmed what's already obvious.
We were inside my car which was still parked at the basement of the building where we just had the meeting that will change the fate of our friendship drastically.
Both of us were informed this morning that our bosses and our PR team wanted to talk to us – Camila and I – and out of all the theories that we speculated on as to why they wanted to talk to only the two of us, we never expected this. Camila thought the label was removing us from the group or something like that, and I insisted that it's impossible since she plays a big part as lead vocals, but in retrospect, I think getting fired would have been easier than what they actually wanted us to do.
To stop being friends. Or at least stop being friends in public.
Camila and I were too shocked to say anything at first, while the people controlling Fifth Harmony's career droned on and on about "image" and "assumptions" and that while "they're certain" that nothing's going on between us, the media and the fandom see something else, and that is as equally damaging as if it were real facts.
My mind kept replaying what just happened moments ago.
"We just don't want your talent to be overshadowed by constant bombardment of dating rumors between you two. People don't even realize that you guys can actually sing. They just obsess over CamRen." Whats-his-face air-quoted our ship name with a smirk, as if it's a totally ludicrous concept. He rambled on, his grating voice which is probably a product of years of smoking is quickly getting on my nerves. "It's unfair to both of you, and to the other girls, to be known as "that lesbian group" or "that girl group with CamRen in it" because that's what has been happening lately."
Wait, woah bitch, back the hell up! I gritted my teeth as I kept myself from shouting at him and throwing the water bottle I'm holding straight at his face. It's time that I put my softball skills to good use.
Of course, what I really did was take a sip from my water bottle in an attempt to get rid of the lump that has formed in my throat. I don't even know what they're saying. They could call me whatever they want, but I doubt that Camila is a lesbian! Poor girl must be feeling so awkward right now. These people are crazy. The biz is crazy. No wonder popstars have mental breakdowns and shave their heads.
I heard Camila in a shaky voice say, "But we're not – I mean, we're just friends... You can't expect us to not be friends just because you people assume we're actually more than that? Because that's messed up. I'll never stop being friends with Lauren."
I felt my heart constrict at her words, and instinctively grabbed her hand and rubbed my thumb over her own as a way to soothe her. The appreciative smile she gave me made my heart flutter. I've always felt protective towards her since the beginning, probably because I see her as a little sister. She's so adorable, and it's obvious that she looks up to me when we first met at the X-Factor auditions, and I just felt this natural instinct to be the big sister and to be there for her always, and hug her when she needs one, or hold her hand when she feels sad. I'm just too fond of her to be anything else other than what she needs.
That's why this meeting is breaking my heart. I can't imagine my life without Camila. Even if it's just an act in public, it won't still feel right to denounce our friendship like that. But then again, it's also unfair for the other girls to suffer the consequences of our stubbornness and inability to compromise with the people handling our careers. You see how I'm so torn right now?
"See, that's what we're talking about." I looked up towards the source of the voice and saw Sandra, a middle-aged woman in an elegant suit, holding an iPhone in her left hand while impatiently tapping a pen on the table with her right. She was looking at us as if she's judging us, a look of hmmm, what is it, disgust, I don't know. It's painfully obvious she doesn't approve of us.
She continued, "When you do things like that, people assume."
I can't hold back my words anymore. "Do things like what?" I try to keep as calm as possible but I just feel anger rising inside of me and I'm just close to doing things I might regret later, but right now I'm seriously seeing red. I felt Camila squeezing my hand gently and that brought me back to my senses. I glanced at her and saw her watery eyes and she shook her head gently. I immediately calmed down.
I heard Sandra speak again. "Like that. You hold hands like you're lovers. You stare at each other's eyes like you're lovers. You touch each other during interviews, even during the times when you don't sit together... like you're lovers. You interact in social media as if you have missed each other too much, when in fact you're just in the same room while you tweet to each other, yep, like lovers."
"Because we're friends!" Camila reasoned.
"Friends don't do all that you guys do, Camila." Sandra glanced at her watch and signalled to the guy near the door. "Look, this isn't a discussion. I have another meeting in 10 minutes."
I saw her look at us with a hint of pity or apology in her face. "Just – don't feed the public with any more of your CamRen stuff, okay?"
She stood up and the rest of them followed her out of the room.
I felt like my soul was sucked from my body. I felt Camila, still holding my hand, dragging me towards the door. Our handler, Janelle, already said goodbye to us since she also had another meeting concerning Fifth Harmony.
And now, we're here in my car.
"Don't tell me you're agreeing with them, Lauren?" I heard Camila question me, a look of confusion evident in her face because I haven't spoken a word since the meeting ended. "Lauren? Tell me what you're thinking."
Under normal circumstances, I'm usually not the one who's gonna push to do what other people would want us to do, because I'm a firm believer of doing what makes you happy. My grandmother used to tell me that always. But hearing them accuse us of being lesbian lovers makes me uncomfortable. Of course I have been aware of the Camren thing exploding even outside the fandom, after that first selfie we did that we captioned 'Camren', and we were even joking about it on Twitter every now and then, but I was just playing along, nothing serious about it. I thought it'll be fun having a ship name with my best friend. But I never realized until now how serious it truly has become, to the point where people are actually judging our character and sexuality.
Fact is, I do get attracted to girls sometimes. And it's not like I try to hide who I am or pretend to be someone I'm not. I just don't appreciate it when people dig into my personal life especially my sexuality as if it's the most interesting part of my personality. I truly hate that. My sexuality doesn't define my worth as a human being. A person's sexuality should not be and is not as significant as a person's smile, or charisma, or passion, or honesty, or pretty soul, or music taste, or, I don't know, important things that make people who they are. That's why I get pissed when people obsess about who I date or whether I'm into girls or not, and I make it a point not to talk about it to anyone, not because I'm in the closet or anything, rather, I believe it's fucking irrelevant because there's more to me than the question of whether I prefer dicks or pussies, you know, like my music or my intellect. People are fucking stupid. They could speculate all they want, I don't care, and if they figure it out, fine, but I would never make it easier for them by admitting to whatever delusions they have. Watch me pull a Kristen Stewart on all of you, bitches.
What I'm truly bothered with is the effect all of this might have on Camila. I want to spare her from the drama and I don't want our friendship to be ruined by it in the process. If this Camren thing goes bigger, and I'm sure it will, I'm not sure how Camila would handle it. I don't want her pulling away from me in the future.
Maybe the management knows what's best.
I took a deep breath before looking at her again. "Camz.." I stopped, afraid of the words that are about to spill from my mouth. "I – I think they're right."
"What?!!"
"Don't get mad, Camz. I'm just saying that I don't want the public to think we're dating or something. So maybe it's best if we lie low for a while."
A look of anger and pain flashed in Camila's face and I closed my eyes as I let my body fall against my seat to avoid seeing the hurt expression in her face again.
"What's wrong with the idea of us dating? Am I that gross that you'd rather end our friendship just so you could dispel the rumors that we're... that we're lovers?!" My eyes flew open when I heard the pain in her voice. I felt like the biggest jerk for offending Camila, but I can't understand why she is making a big deal out of this. And what is she talking about? Did she want us to date? Why is she asking me that question as if we were indeed together?
"Camz, that's not what I meant! I don't want our friendship to end. I'm just saying, that maybe we should, you know, think of our public image. We'll still be friends. But maybe we should stop interacting too much in front of the cameras, and social media, you know, and maybe stop taking selfies together and posting it on IG." I swallowed nervously.
I continued. "And why are you saying you're gross, don't be stupid!" I playfully slapped her arm, giving her a small smile to lighten up the mood.
She didn't smile at all. That bothered me more than I would care to admit.
I waited for Camila to say something, but for several minutes, she just sat there looking at the window, her fingers pinching her bottom lip, a sign that means she's either nervous or deep in thought. Well, it doesn't take a genius to know that she's actually both right now, so I just sat in silence.
I look up expectantly when I heard Camila speak again. "I don't care what they say, Lauren. So what if they think we're dating? We know the truth."
"But..." Words fail me at this point. She's right, though, why should I care what others think? "Wouldn't that bother you? People assuming that you're dating me?"
"What's wrong with that?"
Nothing, I said to myself. Nothing's wrong with it. But I just couldn't risk ruining our friendship over false assumptions, because I know damn well how words ruin shit, and my connection with Camila is something I wouldn't dare sacrifice. What if there comes a time when she just gets tired of all the "lesbian" shit and she just starts avoiding me?
No. It's better if we just kill this while we still can to save our friendship.
She looks at me obviously waiting for my response, but words fail me. I felt tongue-tied, and I couldn't tell her that I'm doing this because I care about her.
Camila looked at me like she was about to cry and when I tried to reach out to hold her cheek, she gently pushed my hand away. That hurt me, I gotta tell ya.
"Is this what you want?" Her voice sounded dead.
"It's not what I want, Camz, you know that. But what can we do really? We're just starting to make a name in the industry and I don't want to jeopardize that. We've worked too hard for it and I don't want it be ruined by false rumors."
"But I love you, Lauren." I melted when I heard her say that in a pleading tone as her hand reached for mine. The words hung heavily in the air, making me feel suffocated, as if those words held more meaning than my ears have registered, taking root deep inside of me, slowly crushing my heart.
"You know I love you too, Camz. You're my best buddy." I smiled at her hoping to convey that I was being sincere, only to see her look away, wiping a tear that has fallen down her cheek.
I felt her hand slipping away.
"No, you don't understand." She said in a small voice.
God, this conversation is draining me. I'm so confused. "What don't I understand? Talk to me, Camz."
But Camila refused to say another word. She had her arms crossed against her chest, and she stared outside the window as if it's the most interesting view she ever had and not a dark basement parking filled with cars.
I sighed when I heard her say in that lifeless tone again. "Just drive, Lauren."
I stared at her for a short while, but I realized I won't get anything from her anymore so I maneuvered the car and drove in complete silence. My thoughts, on the other hand, were anything but quiet.
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A/N:
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