Chapter Twenty
I remember when we were in high school, Eisley and I both wore red on Valentines' day. It was Friday and we could wear anything we wanted basta appropriate.
I was the class president, yet I didn't know my batch mates made their own rules. Red meant taken, yellow meant complicated, blue meant single, and black meant heartbroken.
Everyone was shocked. Akala kasi nila, kami na ni Eisley.
Weirdly, I'm experiencing de javu as of the moment. We're both wearing red. I rarely see him wear other colors, but black. Ngayong nag-iba siya ng kulay ng damit, parehas pa talaga kami.
It's not a big deal, but Bev and Sile are teasing us as if we talked about it.
"Uy, they're dating na!" Sile pokes me on my side.
"Don't push it, Sile. Ang awkward," I whisper.
It's Bev's birthday, pero apat lang kaming nagce-celebrate. Pinadalan siya ng sister niya para i-treat friends niya. Sabi nila kanina, kakain lang kami sa restaurant. Kailan pa naging restaurant ang club?
Nagulat nga ako dahil sumama pa rin si Eisley. Last time na sinama ko siya sa party, he left me with my college friends. Hindi ko 'yun makalimutan. Inis na inis talaga ko sa kanya 'nun.
Wala ngayon si Evan dahil nasa Cebu na siya, pero nandito si Sile. She enjoys her stay here in Manila. Nag-a-apply nga siya kay Mommy Sexy. Seseryosohin na raw niya pagiging chef niya.
"Are you okay?" I ask Eisley. He hates loud music. He hates party. He hates the smell of alcohol and cigarettes. He hates people. Siya na nga ata ang King of Introverts. Walang kokontra.
Halata ngang annoyed na siya dahil nakatulala na lang siya. Hindi siya nagsasalita kahit kinakausap siya nila Bev at Sile. Nakukulitan na rin ata siya sa kanila.
He forces to smile. "I'm having fun."
"Yeah, right," I say, full of sarcasm. He's still a bad liar. Funny lang dahil hindi na siya natutong magsinungaling. "Why are you trying so hard, Eisley boy?" Oh my God. Did I just call him Eisley boy? "I mean, Eisley." I clear my throat.
He just smiles. Sht. He can't do this to me!
I drink a shot of patron.
"You haven't eaten yet." He scowls.
I grin. "I can manage."
"She can manage pala, eh. 'Wag mong pigilan," sabi ni Bev.
Hindi ko na mabilang kung nakaka-ilang buntong hininga na si Eisley.
During my fourth shot, I'm already dizzy.
"Tyrese." He breathes heavily. He sounds like a hopeless man. "Stop it. Naglalasing ka ba? May problema ka ba?"
"Why are you nagging me? Are you my ahia?" I narrow my eyes. Tinaas ko yung shot glass. I proudly drink it in front of him. "See? I. Can. Manage."
He takes a deep breath again.
"Where are my precious friends?" I ask, not looking at him. They're both dancing on the dance floor. Bakit hindi nila ako inaya? I want to have fun, too. I stand up and join them.
I see a handsome guy near Bev, so I wrap my arm around her and tap the guy on his shoulder. "Hey, are you single? My friend's single. She's really pretty, right? She's single. And that one!" Tinuro ko si Sile. "They're both sing-"
Bev covers my mouth. "Oh no, I'm sorry. She's super drunk."
Nilayo nila ako sa lalaki. "Ano ba, manay. Kung gusto mong mapahiya, wag ka mandamay," sabi ni Bev.
Sile chuckles. "Grabe ka, Tyrese! Don't do this to us. Pag kami na-rape, kasalanan mo talaga."
I laugh and find other guys. Baka di lang nila type. Narinig ko pa nga silang nag, "Oh my gosh."
Nagulat na lang ako dahil nasa harap ko na si Eisley. Whoa, he's so fast! Inikot niya yung braso niya sa waist ko. Whoa! "Tyrese, please stop." He looks super tired and annoyed already.
"Do I annoy you, Eisley boy? I've missed you so much!"
"You don't annoy me," he replies. "I-I'm just worried."
I lean against his chest. "You feel so good." I've realized it's not right, so I push him. "Oops, wrong move. Bye."
I find another guy. When I see one, I tap the cute stranger on his back. "Hey, man. Are you single?"
Mukha siyang confused. "Uh, yeah. Sure." Inakbayan niya ako.
"No, no. Not me." I shake my head. "Them!" Tinuro ko sila Sile at Bev na nag-i-snapchat. Nahuli ko pa nga silang kinukuhanan ako ng videos. They won't betray me and post them on their snaps, will they? Of course, they will.
I furrow my forehead when Eisley pulls me into him and carries me to our chair. "Why did you do that?" I ask.
"Because you're drunk."
I shake my head. "I'm not. Promise." Tinaas ko yung isang kamay ko. I'm not drunk, but I'm really dizzy. But the point is, I'm not drunk.
"Okay." Kumuha siya ng tubig at pinilit akong inumin 'yun. He lets me rest for a really long time before we leave the club.
"Why are we leaving them?" I ask him.
"They already left."
My eyes widen. "Why?"
"Tyrese."
"Why, ahia?" I giggle, teasing him.
"Nothing," he says, shaking his head. "Eat first before I take you home."
By the time we reach their restaurant, I'm already sober. May pagkain na rin nakahanda sa table. Mukhang sinabihan na niya si Mommy Sexy bago kami mag taxi papunta dito.
I give him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry." I look around. "Si Mommy Sexy?"
"Sleeping." Ang seryoso ng mukha niya.
"Ah." I nod. "Sorry talaga."
"Kumain ka na."
I obey him, pero pagkatapos kong kumain, tumakbo ako papuntang CR at sinuka ko rin lahat ng kinain at ininom ko. Oh no. Ayaw pa naman niya ng nasasayang yung pagkain. I wash my face. He hands me a small towel.
"I called your brother with your phone. Sa kanila ka na lang matulog," sabi niya. Hintayin ko raw siya dahil may kukunin lang siya. Pagbalik niya, may dala siyang soup at tea. "Kumain ka ulit. Walang laman tiyan mo."
I stare at him. "Why are you doing this to me?"
"Ano?" he asks.
"This. You're acting like you care about me. You don't have to do anything for me, Eisley." I sigh. "Kung nagi-guilty ka, then please don't. Don't worry, I've moved on. Really." I'm good at lying. He will believe me. "I've decided to remove myself from your life. Matagal na."
"You're removing me from your life."
"No, I'm removing myself from your life. I've been a trespasser. Pag hindi ako tumigil, I might end up feeling like a prisoner. I don't want to be locked up. It was getting hard to function. I told you before that my world does not revolve around you, but the truth is, it almost did."
"I'm sorry." He lowers his head. "Hindi ko sinasadya."
Lagi naman niyang hindi sinasadya.
I smile sadly. "And now you're back, ayoko na ng ganun. I'm fine now. I'm happy. After all my stupidities, after following you like a dog seeking for your attention, you should know I already let you go. Maybe, I wasn't supposed to enter in your life in the first place."
"Don't say that." He looks so sad. I want to hug him. "That's not true."
"I can't handle more complications. I can't handle any more confusions. Nakakabaliw isipin kung nasaan ka na o kung ano na nangyayari sa'yo. Kung anong iniisip mo. Ayoko ng mabaliw." I hold his hand with my hands. "It's been a year, Eisley. Marami ng nagbago. Sooner or later, you'll just be another chapter of my life."
He doesn't look at me. He stares at my food the entire time. "Eat your food and drink your tea, Tyrese. Then I'll take you home."
-
Okay. I regret everything I told him that night. Pwede bang bawiin? Hindi ko naman kasi dapat 'yun sasabihin. It was the alcohol speaking, not me. I haven't really moved on from him.
My original plan was to wait for him to make a move. Kung gusto niya ako, gagawa siya ng paraan. Pag hindi, doon na lang ako tuluyang magmo-move on. I ended up saying all the wrong things. I shouldn't have drank on an empty stomach.
You may have finally worked up the courage to deal with a difficult personal issue related to a relationship. You may have gone through all the things you want to say, and edited your words in your head. You may have thought about all of the possible reactions and scenarios that might ensued, and your probably felt prepared for the fallout. However, Leo, once you get into this issue, you may well discover that it wasn't as big, as threatening, or as frightening as you had imagined. Be grateful for that (Daily Horoscope, 2016)
"Girl, nagbabasa ka na naman ba ng horoscope?" tanong ni Bev. Pa-out na ako sa hospital. Siya naman, papasok pa lang.
"Ito na nga lang nagpapasaya sa'kin."
Pinagtawanan niya ako. "Sinong tanga? Ako ba?"
"Can you not? Hindi kita inaano ah." Tumawa ako.
"Girl, mahal kita. Alam mo 'yan! Pero minsan, ang sarap mong tirisin," sabi niya. "Noong wala, nagda-drama ka. Ngayong nandiyan na, pinapalayo mo naman tapos magsisisi ka. Gets ba? Ako kasi hindi kita gets."
"I don't get myself, too." I groan.
Paglabas na paglabas ko sa hospital, nakaabang si Eisley. Iniwasan ko siya dahil nahihiya pa rin ako sa mga pinagsasabi ko. I feel him looking at me, so I walk faster.
He runs after me and grabs my elbow. "Tyrese."
I slowly look at him. "Are you here to nag me? I'm not ready."
"I'm not here to nag you," he tells me seriously. "I know you're tired, but can I borrow a few minutes of your time?"
"Hindi ka galit?"
"Bakit ako magagalit?" Lumapit siya sa'kin. "I'm here to apologize. Kung may dapat magalit sa ating dalawa, ikaw 'yun." Just like that, bumalik na naman yung sakit na parang kahapon lang nangyari yung pag deadma niya sa'kin ng isang taon at dalawang buwan. Gusto ko siyang saktan, pero gusto ko rin siyang yakapin. I've missed him.
"Kung alam mo lang." I bite my lower lip, clenching my fists. Tyrese, pigilan mo sarili mo. "Halos mabaliw ako kakaisip kung okay lang kayo. Kung anu-anong pumapasok sa isip ko. I didn't want to get mad at you. I was trying to understand you, Eisley. Ayaw mo lang naman ako mapahamak, 'di ba? Natatakot ka na madamay ako sa mga problema niyo?"
He nods.
"Pero sa letter, sabi mo, I was better off with you. 'Yun ang hindi ko maintindihan. Ang hindi ko maintindihan, was it that hard to send me a single message? Na you guys were doing okay? Didn't you know how worried I was? Yung mga sinabi mo sa akin sa airport, ano 'yun? Panaginip ko lang ba 'yun?"
"It wasn't. Totoo lahat 'yun."
"I know!" I roll my eyes. "But it felt like a dream. Pag land na pag land ko sa NAIA, nawala lahat ng mga sinabi mo. You clearly stated in your letter your good bye. And now, you're here again. You're back. Why are you here, Eisley? Why do you keep on coming back? To confuse me over and over again? Kasi nakakapagod na mag let go tapos sa huli, bumabalik pa rin ako sa'yo. Mababaliw na naman ako kakaisip kung nasaan ka o kung magpapakita ka pa ba. Paulit-ulit na lang. If you're not Eisley, I would have thought you're just toying with me."
"I- I didn't expect I'd see you at Miss Gucuangco's studio, believe me." Hinawakan niya yung kamay ko. "We gave my dad all our properties and I accepted the job offer in Singapore. My salary there was much higher and we didn't know anyone. My dad couldn't follow us there. We could finally live peacefully. You... You were my distraction from my problems. Pati sa trabaho ko. But it was my problem, not yours. Something's wrong with me."
I was distracting him? Wala nga akong ginagawa! "Anong ibig mong sabihin?"
"I worked in Singapore for a year. We flew the moment you left for Manila. We stayed there. Ako lang at si Mama. Had I contacted you, I'd just get distracted. I wouldn't stop thinking about you. I was trying to move on."
"If your salary there was much higher, then why are you here? Bakit ka bumalik?"
"Because my mom wasn't happy. I'm used to being alone, but my mom wasn't. She was bored. She was missing you and Tita Berna. Our savings were enough to start a restaurant. Now, we're starting again." He smiles. "Your optimism's contagious. From then on, I've been only wanting to move forward. When I said you were better off without me, it was true. My life was a mess. My dad's cruel. I don't have much I can give you."
"Sino ka para sabihin na mas magiging okay kung wala ka? Ikaw ba ako?" I remove his hand from me and push his chest. "You know who's cruel? It's you. 2 months ka na palang nandito sa Manila, pero hinihintay mo pa yung tadhana pagkitain tayo. Why didn't you contact me as soon as you got here? I haven't changed my number and e-mail! I was waiting for you!"
His smile's unexpected. It's like he's trying to hide it, but he can't.
I glare at him. "Moron, you shouldn't smile. Do you know how much I wanted to hate you? I was so damn worried. Were you still alive? If you were, did you miss me as much as I missed you? Did you think of me as much as I thought of you? Were you happy? Did you have friends? I was overthinking. I thought I'd go nuts." I groan.
He wraps his arms around me. "I'm sorry." Ang bango ng balikat niya!
I must not get carried away. I let go of his embrace.
"Do you know that I opened all your gifts and even did everything on your bucket list? One of the things you listed was to paint a loved one, and I painted you. Idiot! When you saw me holding a painting, it was you I painted."
Gigil na gigil ako. Ngayong nalabas ko na lahat, feeling ko magiging okay na ako.
"Is this the part where the guy apologizes and the protagonists confess their love for each other, then they live happily ever after?" he asks. Oh, God. He watched too much dramas.
"Of course, not." I fold my arms across my chest. "This is the part where the guy runs after the girl. He'll do anything to win her back. I'm done making my move, Eisley. I've had enough. It's your turn to make an effort. Kung wala kang gagawin, wala rin akong gagawin."
I start to walk away from him. Ha! Ngiting tagumpay.