Lonely part two
You laid on his chest. His heartbeat was slow and uneven, while his breathing wasn't consistent. You woke him up now and then for holding his breath in his sleep, But he would always ignore you, brush it off, and go back to sleep. You didn't sleep though, you just laid there, staring at the celling, listening to the world outside. In the summer, there would be crickets and frogs who enjoyed the wet earth and the thick humid air. The winter, brought silence and sometimes rain if you were lucky, and heavy snow fall that seemed to pile up so high that it would cave in the roof, crushing you like an insect on the bed where you laid peacefully with toby. It was in the middle of autumn now, and every so often you would hear leaves fall to the floor, or an animal crunching them, as it walked by the house unaware of what was inside, the animals didn't care, they were just looking for food before winter.
You loved the night time, even if you didn't sleep, you loved hearing the peaceful world around you. You also liked laying with toby, he was so warm and you cuddled up to him, holding him close, being cold like always. It was always cold and you didn't retain much body heat. In the years you've been here, you've lost an alarming amount of weight. Your body showed pale skin, that you obtained by only really staying indoors.. Your pale skin, holding on tightly to your skinny, boney frame. You didn't mind your rapid weight loss really, it never concerned you, it wasn't on purpose either, just the consequence of rarely eating. You didn't do that on purpose either, you just never really felt hungry, neither did toby, so that both led you guys to forget you needed to eat, and even then, when you would remember, you still didn't feel hunger. You would know you were hungry though, even if you didn't feel the sensation you still felt your stomach tighten up and growl occasionally. You felt the tiredness and pain that came with the lack of food, and thanks to your random eating schedule, when you did eat, you would feel nauseous.. And your stomach would groan and hurt, so every time you did eat you wouldn't want to eat again, so the cycle would continue painfully.
Hours later, toby jumped awake, scaring you awake in the process. He panted and grabbed you tightly.
" ah..! S-sorry.. S-sor-ry.." He panted slightly.
" are you ok..?" You cuddled up to toby again, giving him your comfort.
" yeah y-yeah... Yeah.." He said slightly bothered. You knew his sleep apnea woke him up but he wouldn't admit to it.
" ..... are you going back to sleep?"
" no-n-no.. Are you.. Are-?"
" no.. Im awake.." You mumbled slightly, you just didn't sleep. " can we lay here though..?"
Your voice was now vulnerable.
" yeah.. I-i dont want to.. To.. To.. Get up.. Any.. Anyway.."
" do you have work..?" You asked hoping the answer was no, if he worked that means he had to leave you, it also meant, he might come home upset and he wouldn't be ok with you being overly affectionate.
" yeah.. But ill wait until.. Til.. Till.. tim comes..s... in and bothers-s me into.. To.. going.."
You both sat there in comfortable silence, you cuddled to his side, stuck like super glue, your head resting listening to his relaxing uneven breaths.
".. Hey.. hey.." He shook you slightly. " y/n..?"
" yeah..?" You asked eagerly but not wanting to show it. Your name sounded so gorgeous comming from his lips.
" do you.. You.. think i-i would be-be a good dad..?"
That was a new one.
" under the.. The.. right ci..circums-stances-s?"
You knew tobys past with kids. Toby liked to well... take them, them, and other objects he felt were his. That all stopped when you came along, but he told you stories of kids who he well..... "adopted", and you found children's toys lying around in random places every now and then. Toby liked kids around 4-8, he thought they were cute, and they had the same Energy as him, so really, it was a good match but, in all honesty, he was a horrible father. The kids were most likely screwed up after that, not only because of the trauma of being adducted but because he only fed them junk food and all they did was sit there zoned out, watching tv all day. so that cant be healthy. When he got bored of them he would simply dump them in a random town with their memory erased. cruel.. yes, you admitted that, but you knew he truly didn't mean anything bad, he never hurt the kids, and as far as you knew, he never had an episode in front of them. He loved the kids.. He just.. Didn't know he was doing was wrong.. And in some cases he thought he was helping them, but its uncertain if he actually ever did. he's lost contact with them a long time ago, so, theres no way of knowing how the kids were doing now. You knew something though, toby wanted kids. He loved being a father and it made him incredibly happy, so the question he asked you knew, you would have to say yes too.
" of course... But... Maybe if you didn't.. Just feed them junk food and.. Maybe didn't let them watch CNN all day.."
" ... you.. You.. think thats-s.. not healthy?"
" yeah..."
" but kids-s love Oreos-s!... And Ch-cheetos-s!"
" yeah.. But.. Too many isn't good.."
" s-s-so...s-so... What do i-i feed them..?"
" fruit..."
" apples-s..?
" its a start."
" what-t about the-the tv..?"
" tvs ok.. sometimes... But.. It shouldn't be the news on a never ending loop..."
" ah... Makes-s s-sens-se..."
You nodded and it fell silent again, you smiled and squeezed him tightly.
" i want kids-s..." He spoke up after a while. You got even more quite, tensing up feeling bad. You knew him did, and you weren't a kid, so its not like you could help him. " i wanna be-be a d-daddy..."
You stayed quiet and he sighed loudly.
" i-i want my own kids-s..." He looked over at you, and you kept your face hidden in his jacket. " we s-should have kids-s.."
You tensed up more and blushed a dark color.
" it-it would be fun..." He looked down at you and you clung to his side not making eye contact. You thought for a minuet, having your mind clear after getting over the actual thought of having to have sex with toby. you thought of a child, which would start as a screaming, crying baby, who would grow up into an energetic, active child. What do you do with a child? as far as you were concerned, you had the brain power of a child, so how could a child raise another child?
" b-but.."
" i know... I know.. what your.. Your.. thinking.. But.. Don't-t you want-t a family..? Be a.. A .. mommy..?"
That put it into a new perspective.. You did, want a family.. You really wanted a family... ever since you were little, but you really didn't know how to have one or what really one was.... You didn't have much of a family at home.. Just a single mom who wasn't really home and when she was, she wouldn't talk to you, she just stayed in her room, shut off from the stress of you, and the stress of everyday life. Sometimes she would cook dinner and you would sit on the counter, loving the fact you were in the same room as her. Some times... If you begged her enough... She would help you with homework.. But that was never enough... So you liked to think of what being in a real one actually felt like.. Not one that made up the relationship between you and your mother, but one that was like the ones on tv...ones who were Loving... Fun... Caring.. And Affectionate.. Everything you ever wanted in a family. You played so many games of house, trying to think what it would be like, to actually be in that family.. To actually be the type of mother on the tv screen... To actually be with your kids.. Reading to them.. Playing with them... Cooking fun meals with them.. Like Dino chicken nuggets and mac and cheese.. Then Singing them to sleep at night.. but the thought alone never gave you closure.. So this new thought entered your mind. Maybe this would.
" i do..." You mumbled softly. " but i don't know how.."
" I'm... pre-retty... s-s-sure... momming is-s.. natural.. Like.. It-s in your bones-s.."
The romance of being in a family made you feel warmed and loved.. So you gave in..
" well.. Ok.."
" really?!" He jumped slightly now squeezing you tightly.
" yeah.." You mumbled happily, loving his strong arms. " but.. We dont have to start now right..?"
He laughed and nodded.
" n-no.. No.. Why.. A-are.. are you eager..?" He laughed and you turned another shade of red and hid your face back in his jacket. "no..no.. Jus-st.. tell me when-when your.. ready."
You nodded and cuddled up to him agian.
" you'll still love me right..?" You asked meek.
" of cours-se! Don't be s-s-silly.."
Hours later, tim knocked and toby was forced to go off and do his job. But what was his job exactly..? You weren't really sure... His explanations changed from time to time....but no matter what, he came home bloody, dirty, tired and irritable. You laid in bed still, listening to the silence which would be interrupted by the house creaking or the occasional animal. You thought about what toby said... And... How that would necessarily play out. Each conclusion wasn't good. Most of them making you cringe in regret and disappointment...
You tried to shake your head of it... But you always thought back to it.
What would happen when the baby started crying? What would happen when it shit itself repeatedly? What would happen when it grew up to be an overactive child? What would happen if it turned out like toby...?
You sighed and sat up... Feeling anxiety wash over you.
You chewed on your tongue, biting chunks of the flesh off. You tasted blood but you just kept going, biting more and more off. Your tounge was sore, and it stared to swell. You bit on it more, getting up and going to the bathroom, turning on the light. It was fairly clean still since you cleaned a lot. It was in your nature, you were just a cleanly creature, mopping all the floors three times a week, cleaning the stove and kitchen daily, Washing clothes once a week, cleaning the bathroom as frequently as you could. You liked it, especially after the first year here, when you started, becoming incredibly germaphobic. The only time cleanliness didn't bother you, was when it came to toby. He didn't like it. He took a shower, maybe, twice a week, if you were lucky, and he's been known to wear the same clothes (underwear and all) for a month straight. He smelled, he smelled so fucking bad, like ass, infection and armpits, but he could smell like a diaper rotting in a garbage dump that takes in raw sewage and you would still love him. It was weird... Even something that made your skin crawl.. Felt perfectly fine when toby was doing it.
You stuck out your tongue, looking at it in the mirror. it was white and pink, with small beads of red, that dripped down your tongue faster then you could react causing them to fall into the sink. You had a problem... the white was the dead flesh that you haven't yet bitten off yet and Your tongue was bumpy, and sensitive from your constant chewing. You worried about the possibility of an infection but it didn't stop you from biting. You picked up a bottle of Listerine, undid the cap, and poured some in your mouth. It burned as it got unto the bite marks in your tongue and cheeks, your eyes watered but you still switched it around. The taste of blood was replaced with a burning feeling of spearmint. You felt tears fall, as you felt the alcohol eat away at the living flesh that was already damaged. You balled your fists as you continued to swish around, it ran over your teeth getting into the crevices, making it burn even more.
You continued swishing the liquid as you tasted blood and mint. You spit it out, having the now dark blue liquid splash in the sink. You smiled, looking at your blueish teeth in the reflection, well, at least there was a lot less blood this time. You stuck out your tongue again, it was more swollen now. It was swollen, blue and white, and the bleeding had stopped, now it was down the sink along with the rest of the dead skin.
You decided to give your tongue a break, and you chewed on your cheek, it was a lot more sensitive then your tongue was, and it didn't feel the same. It bled a lot more... And the taste wasn't the same. You chewed and chewed, fumbling with your fingers in a nervous matter. In all honesty, you were a complete reck with out toby.. You were filled with anxiety... And you... Just.. You just didn't know what to do with yourself. Most of the time you would clean... But what would you do when there was nothing left to clean? You could make the bed again, or you could always redo the dishes. You paced back and forth, really bitting into your cheeks, causing chunks of flesh to fall off, causing more bleeding.
You decided cooking would keep your mind off of it. You walked into the kitchen, getting out flour, butter, sugar, chocolate chips, everything that was needed to make cookies. Thought threaten to consume you as you mixed the flour with the sugar, adding in the melted butter. You continued to chew and chew, feeling a deep throbbing in your cheek. You stirred and stirred until you heard the door click open.
" y/n..?" His beautiful voice was back, but this time, it sounded defeated..
" yeah!" You quickly washed your hands and ran over, wrapping your arms around him, squeezing him. He was home... He was home and everything would be alright now.. You smiled and looked up at him. He looked bloody... Beat up... And tired... Very.. very tired, so tired, if you didn't know him better, he would look depressed. " how was work? I missed you.."
You squeezed him more and he moved against you, signaling he wanted to move and sit down. You let go, and he lazily walked over to the couch sitting down in a depressed manor. You followed, and stood next to him looking down. He still had his mask on, he dropped his shoulders, and sighed. You sat next to him, wrapping your arms around him.
" they're on my as-s-s agian..." He mumbled. "Its-s every... fucking day! w-with... T-them..."
" im sorry..." You sat next to him. " i really am.."
" its-s... fine... They just... Fucking irritate me!" He tensed up. "Im not a fuck up! Im not! Im not and they think i am! And its-s... just.. Its just!"
"Toby.. please... Its alright.. I know you're not a fuck up.. Its fine.. Dont worry-"
" shut up!" He screamed taking out his anger on you by shoving you away from him, pushing you on the floor. "God! It-s like you're.. You're.. on my back too! What the fuck i-s-s with you?"
" i-i-i im sorry! I just.. I just.." You felt tears come to your eyes. Sometimes... Toby included you in his episodes... He never really hurt you... But he scared you.. And it hurt on the inside. You felt tears fall down your cheeks, and you sniffled feeling your nose drip. " i-i just.. M-missed you..."
You looked down and quickly moved away from him. You didnt want to test the waters... You curled up slightly, with your fight or flight mode on, ready to get up and go hide if this got worse, and knowing right now, it could go either way.
" im sorry... Please dont be mad at me... Ill leave you alone.." You mumbled now having tears choke your speech. Tobys shoulders slouched and he sighed loudly, hitting his hand on his face.
" .. No no... You're f-fin-ne..." He sat down sinking back into the couch, sighing agian. "Im s-s-sorry... Im.. Jus-st.."
" its fine..." You mumbled and sat there... Wipping your eyes.. Trying to stop crying..
" i mis-ss-sed you too..." He calmed down now, and he looked down at you. You smiled and suddenly, everything was all better. You blushed slightly, and you felt yourself getting hotter as the red spread all over your cheeks "Come her-ree... Give me.. Me a hug.."
You nodded and leapt at the chance to love him. You quickly jumped back on the couch, wrapping your arms around him, burrying your face into his jacket.
" i love you..." You sniffled still sort of crying. Your tears soaked into his jacket and you looked up wiping your eyes.
" i love you more.." Toby always knew what to say... He was so good with words.. You sniffled agian and gave him kisses on his cheek which was covered by his mask. He laughed slightly. " want me to take it off...?"
You nodded.
" are you s-sure...?"
You nodded again and he reached for the latches on the back of the mask, unbuckling them and letting it fall off. The room filled with that lovely stench, and you kissed his healthy cheek, moving down to his neck, kissing lightly. You giggled slightly, feeling all your hurt, anxiety and loneliness get pushed away and replaced with this lovely feeling of light, crushy..well, love. The kind of feeling you get when you have a deep deep crush, and the person who has captured your affection is around you, when your heart pounds, and you just so desperately want to scream you love them.
You laid like that, with your head on the crook of Toby's neck, it was peaceful, it was your version of paradise. The news droned on in the back ground, and you faded in and out with it.
" toby...?" You mumbled, overwhelmed by the amout of love and attention you were getting.
" yeah...?" Toby was wide awake, tooned in to every word the news announcer was saying.
" im ready now..." You mumbled squeezing him more, making your final decision even if your somewhat rational mind was clouded by just wanting toby to love you even more. "i want to be a mommy..."
" really?!" He jumped up in astonishment, letting you fall off. You fell to the floor with a thud from the sudden movement, you groaned slightly and sat up, rubbing your head, you should have saw that coming. You nodded and got up, he instantly wrapped you in his arms, squeezing you with with all the affection and love you needed in order to be sure of your words.
" yeah.." You smiled at him, just loving the sight of him being happy. He continued squeeszing you until you both pulled away. You looked at him, in his beautiful eyes, he leaned down and kissed you. The kiss tasting of the same meticallic blood flavor. You both pulled away and he say back down on the couch, pulling you with him, you squeaked slightly, the sudden and violent movement scaring you.
In light terms, you were weak. Mentally and physically. this came from years of limited exercise, little nutrition, and to a lesser extent, a life time of loneliness, and anxiety. You couldn't open jars with out the help of toby, and commercials about families made you sob uncontrollably. So, even with your adaptations caused by the contesnt stress of being here, little things still scared the hell out of you, like sudden movements brought on by toby.
" im s-s..s-sorry.. Im s-s-sorry..." Toby cooed rubbing your cheeks, they were still red and flustered from the studden movement, and tears threated to spill. You tired to hold yourself together, but it was hard, like stapling water to a tree. " dont cry... Dont cry.. S-s-shhh...S-sh... You're ok.. Becaus-s you're with.. With m-me.. And.. And i love you.."
You looked up at him and nodded. He leaned in close, he smelled like his wonderful rotting scent, he slowly whispered.
" i love you so much..." He whispered. " don't you love me..?" He rubbed your cheek and you blushed a dark color.
" i love you so much.." You mumbled, embarrassed and red. " i love you more then anything.."
He leaned down and kissed you again, and you kissed back. He rubbed your cheek, and you wrapped your arms around his neck. He deepened the kiss, and you turned another shade darker, as his tongue slipped into your mouth. You let out an anxious moan, and squirmed in your seat. Toby ran his hands down your sides, resting them on top your hips. You both pulled away, and you looked into his eyes, his beautiful eyes. You smiled, still red and flustered, you touch his intact cheek, letting your fingertips brush it lightly. He run his hands up your back, and rubbed it, letting his soft touch travel up and down your body. You ran your finger tips up and down his cheek, to his temple, to his chin. You placed a kiss on his temple, and he kissed your lips again. You smiled into the kiss, and Toby's fingertips made there way under your shirt. You let him, and inch by inch, both his hands touched your back, your soft flesh on his rough flesh. He ran them up, slowly... softly, it made you shiver in pleasure slightly, he deepened the kiss again, and you moaned slightly, having your delicate senses get overwhelmed.
You both pulled away again, as the kiss got heavier. You kissed his cheek, trailing your way down to his neck, giving it soft delicate kisses. He blew air out if his nose in a lustful manor, and squirmed slightly, running his hands to your bra. You continued kissing, and he unhooked it. You tensed up and stopped kissing.
" are.. y-you.. ok..?" His voice was so caring it made you nod and push your shirt up, so that your tummy was showing. He smiled at you, and gripped it softly, you raised your arms as toby softly lifted your shirt over your head. The cool air sent tingles down your skin, showing off goose bumps, you blushed agian, as toby slowly and carefully pulled off your bra. You were now bare chested, and you blushed like mad, things never went this fast with toby.. But you blamed that on the excitement, though you weren't complaining really. Your heart pounded, and his warm hands ran to your stomach, and up to your chest, having them rest on your chest, covering your breasts. You kisses him agian, and he pulled you closer, you put your legs on his sides, sitting on his lap, having your thighs squeeze his. You kissed back down to his neck, and his thumbs brushed over your nipples. You let out a breatly moan, and twiched, squirming in his lap. He groaned and pressed you harder on his lap. You moaned agian, and continued to kiss. He brushed your nipples agian, playing with them, with this thumbs, you moaned, this time more audiuble, as you melted into his touch. You moaned as you kissed, and you pulled away, just to kiss his lips. You rested your arms on his chest, before running your fingertips on the kissy marks you made on his neck. He twiched and shivered, sesing up, grabbing your arms in a tight grip. "That feels s-s-so...so.. Good..."
You smiled and kissed him agian, before sitting up.
" your s-s-so cute..." He ran his hands up your stomach, to your breasts, cupping them gently. " so.. So cute.."
He pulled you too him, his face a couple inches from your chest. You felt his soft tongue touch one of your nipples, and you squeaked, squirming. You secretly been craving for this ever since the first time you've tried this. It felt so good.. And.. It felt so loving.. Yeah.. That was the word for it. Like.. This was creating an unbreakable bond between you and toby.
" a-ah~" you moaned slightly, and you left Toby's teeth graze at you. You moaned again and squirmed on Toby's lap. You groaned, and set both his hands on your hips, pressing you down on something hard. Toby pulled away, leaving a trail of spit.
" w-why are you... you s-so perfect..?" Tobys words made you melt, and you blushed agian. His hands made it to your shorts, his finger tips resting on the button of them. He looked to you for approval and you nodded. He sent the metal button through the hole, and they popped open, revealing your black panties. Tobys hand slowly made it down your stomach agian but now into your panties, for the first time. You tightly clung to him, has his rough hands touched your sentive skin.
You moaned and squeaked, biting your lip and panting. This was really new, no ones ever.. Touched you like that.. And you weren't really sure what to do..
" i-i love you..." You mumbled putting your head on the crook of tobys neck, your tone shaky and your words dripping with lust
" i-i.. love.. y-y..ou too.." His other hand rubbed your back. He continued touching you softly, and you moaned slightly at his soft touches. " is-s-s th-th-is.. your firs-st time.. B-being..?"
You nodded and moaned agian. You were a very sheltered kid, barely learning what sex really was when you were 16. That was really all your basic knowledge of sex, that it was just sex... it was just for creating babies, thats it.
" l-like.. Like.. ever..?"
You nodded agian and he smiled, kissing your head.
" then jus-st... r-relax.. .. And.. And... tell me if i-i.. hurt you o-ok..?" His voice was so soft and loving. You nodded and studdenly, you felt pressure, as his fingers slipped inside. It hurt at first, and you squeaked loudly, shutting your eyes.
" ah.. W-what.. What are you.." You moaned out, clinging on his jacket. He moved his fingers agian, and it suddenly felt better... Like nothing you've ever felt before. You moaned more audiably, and gave in to the new bliss. "toby...~"
" do... you.. Y-you.. wa-nt me to s-st-stop..?" He whispered in your ear and he knew the answer. You whimpered and shook your head. He smiled, and continued moving his fingers, slowly, and gently. You moaned and dug your nails into his jacket, with his other hand, he wrapped his arm around your back, pushing you closer to his chest, holding you tightly agianst it. You let out a heavy sigh, and drifted off into the bliss, it being so good and overwhelming you were on the verge of sleep. You moaned agian and opened your eyes, placing your forearms on tobys chest, propping yourself up. He went deeper, and you moaned agian,
"Toby..." You panted slightly, in long heavy breaths. You looked up at him, and kissed him, closing your eyes. You tasted blood, and this time, toby was more forceful, pushing you closer to him. You pulled away, and rested your head on his neck as he pushed in deeper. "Ah! Toby.. I.. I.. I love you.."
" d-do... you really... wa-nt.. to do thi-s..?" He sounded sweet and vulnerable.. His sweet sounding words putting you in the right spot.
" yeah..."
" i-im.. not.. forcing y-you.. right..?"
" no... I want too.." You had made up your mind while thinking of another bonus of having a baby, toby would have to stay, forever. He smiled and his scar stretched, you looked at it, touching his healthy cheek with your finger tips, brushing it softly. He stopped and took his hands out of your panties, rubbing your thighs and sides.
" ...do.." He cleared his throat slightly "you want to.. Right now..?"
You nodded and toby slipped you off, grabbing your hand, pulling you up with him. He pulled you down the hall way and you thought this over one more time.
What if toby got tired of the baby..? What if he left.. Left you alone with a baby. What if he emotionally shut down on you? What if.. What if..
You were shaking... And all of a sudden nervous.. So very very nervous.
What if you weren't a good mom..? What if you couldn't give the baby what it wanted? What if you ended up like your mother... Distant and disinterested..?
Isn't that how it goes? Kids end up like there parents? The cycle doesn't break? Every cycle you were in never broke until toby intervened, even then, you ended up making cycles with him. Desperately making schedules around his hectic life.
Toby sat you down on the soft mattress and kissed you softly. You broke the kiss, and scooted up on the bed, toby joined you, Crawling ontop, kissing your forehead, holding your hand tightly.
" toby..?"
" yeah..?"
" i love you.."
" i love you too.." He kissed your neck, and your nerves started to melt.
" promise..?"
" promise.."
Your shoulders relaxed and your stress melted, feeling a weight being pulled off. He continued kissing, and you ran your hands up his body, making him shiver. You gave in completely... Only wanting a to please toby.. You kissed again and for awhile, anxiety, loneliness, and stress were all just a myth.