CHAPTER 27
"Remember it, cherish it, and live for it." I saw Teta mouthing the shahada, declaration of faith, which was (I bear witness that there is no God but Allah, and that Muhammad is his messenger) before she fell asleep like she has done every day of her life. Thinking back to my younger childhood, she always told me that the only certain thing we have in this life is uncertainty. We have no guarantee of anything, not even the privilege of waking up the next day.
"Remember it, cherish it, and live for it." Those were Teta's last spoken words before she fell asleep. Those were Teta's last words before she fell asleep and never woke up again.
I woke up in the morning holding her hand. Confusion wrapped around my brain as I, still not very conscious, was perplexed as to why Teta's hand was so cold. I looked up, blinked several times, and then realization struck me like a freight truck on the highway. I sprung out of my seat and ran to place my hand on her pale, yet soft wrinkly face. It was cold to the touch. Unable to breathe, I put my head onto her chest, and hearing no response, I began screaming.
The nurse immediately ran into the room upon my shrieks, and my mom woke up startled. I looked at her and she stared at me with wide eyes, when I fought the croak in my throat to say, "she's gone."
The janaza, funeral prayer, was that evening after sunset. It was a Friday, the holy day of the week. "She left on a blessed day," Sumaya said, holding a tissue in one hand and Adam's hand, reassuringly in the other. We both were wearing tinted sunglasses to mask the horrible redness and inflation our eyes had to bear from the never ending tears that continued to pour. I began feeling hives erupting underneath my eyes, and my eyelids had swollen to twice their normal size. None of that mattered, however, because I couldn't understand the circumstance of the situation and my mind couldn't wrap around what had happened ten hours before.
We headed to the mosque, making du'aas, verbal prayers, on her soul, prayer for God to forgive her of her sins in this lifetime and to send her directly to heaven, and to ease her pain in the grave. Just the thought of it would send me into a spiral of emotional tears. Adam would see my sporadic breakdowns and would erupt into tears himself.
As the days went by, people flooded into our house to grieve the loss of our angel. Cameron was situated with us, and refused to leave, only at night when his mom called him over to sleep, embarrassed by him constantly residing with us. She insisted he give us time to mourn but my mother shut her off, telling her he was now part of the family.
It was on the tenth day of her passing, that I was brought an overwhelming surprise.
I had just woken up from a very short and unsatisfying sleep. Since the day her physical body left the world, I would sleep and wake up thinking it was a nightmare, not being able to register the harsh reality until I was forced to. Waking up in the mornings were the hardest. Not only was I devastated every morning to not have her by my side, but I was constantly brought back to that treacherous morning as I relived it in my memory.
I changed into a loose jumpsuit prayed fajr, staying in the state of sujood, prostration to God, for the longest time, making Teta du'aas, and prayed an extra prayer on behalf of her soul. I went to brush my teeth and stared at my lifeless reflection staring back at me in the mirror. I couldn't recognize myself at all. My mom called me from downstairs and I quickly went over, to see Casey, Adam, Sumaya and my mom drinking coffee and eating scrambled eggs with bread.
"Are you planning on joining us?" My mom said abruptly, and then turned away, ashamed, as she heard the tone of her voice. Adam's head bobbed in sadness, not sure what to make of the situation. My mom, unlike Adam and I, takes to grieving through anger, not sadness, and I can safely say it has had a toll on all of us.
I heard the doorbell and ran to get it, waiting to get away from the depressed atmosphere surrounding us. I was pleasantly relieved to see Cameron standing in front of me, with a sad smile on his face. I reciprocated his smile and he beamed.
"I missed seeing you smile," he said shyly, and I looked down shuffling my feet, uncertain how to respond. "Uhm, anyways," he cleared his throat. "I have something to tell you," he said, with a serious look on his face, and I began to panic. Too much was going on already and I was not prepared for any more bad news. I was emotionally drained.
"What is it, Cameron?" I asked worriedly.
"Uhm, well you see," he began stalling, and I shot him a look of desperation to get to the chase. "I have something for you. From Teta." I could feel my heart drop into my stomach, and I my jaw fell.
"Wha-what are you talking about, Cameron?" My heart was racing and I suddenly felt the urge to use the bathroom and throw up.
"Can we, uhm, talk outside?" He asked, and I silently nodded as we went out to the porch. I sat down on a bench, cracking my knuckles in nervousness. "Okay, so," he began, as he took a deep breath. "Before Teta passed away, she gave me an envelope and told me to give it to you," he pulled out a crème coloured envelope from his back pocket and handed it over to me. I held the package delicately in my hands and stared at it, not knowing what to make out of it.
"What's in it?" I asked him, not daring to look at his face, knowing I would start crying in front of him.
"She wants you to open it and find out," he smiled slightly, and I swallowed, taking a deep breath.
"Do you know what it is?" I looked up at him and he nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets. I couldn't help but feel jealous from the fact that Teta would give Cameron something before her death and not me. Did he mean more to her than I did? Were my feelings of envy justified? As much as I would like to think they were, I knew they weren't.
My hands trembled and I struggled to rip open the seal, exposing an array of notes and papers. "Oh, uhm, they're numbered," Cameron said suddenly, referring to the papers inside. "She told me to tell you to only read them one by one," he said with optimism, and I couldn't contain my confusion.
I reached for the first piece of paper, and gently unfolded it. A tear fell down onto the page as I immediately recognized Teta's handwriting.
My dear Dunya, it read. I wish I could be with you right now, but if you've received this letter, then it has been ten days since I've passed away. I need you be strong Dunya. For yourself, for Adam, and more importantly, for your mom. Stay with her, support her. You know she has a temper, and doesn't deal well when she's stressed. Hold her close, never leave her, and reassure her it is going to be okay. Please. As for you, I'm going to put you on a mission. Don't be worried, just clear your mind and follow my instructions. I love you Dunya. Forever and always. Never forget that.
Yours forever,
Teta.
With my eyes swelling with tears, I held the note to my chest and looked at Cameron. He motioned to the second piece of paper, which I then carefully opened.
My dear Dunya, onto my first request from you. Head to your old high school and read my next note when you arrive. I stared at it, confused as to why Teta would be sending me on a goose chase. Cameron opened the door to our house and called for Adam to come. Adam came with his set of keys and winked at me, to which I responded with open perplexity.
The entire time in the car, I was ranting off questions to both Adam and Cameron, my mouth never ceasing to stop functioning. "Dunya, would you stop with the interrogation," Adam huffed in frustration. "Would it kill you to wait until we get there and find out on your own?"
"Yes, it would kill me," I replied sassily.
" You've been quiet for so long, and now you won't stop talking. It's too much," he shook his head laughing and I shot his a look. I was staring out of the window observing all the colours of the world around me whirl together into a psychedelic façade, until the car pulled into a halt.
"We're here," Cameron looked at me giddily, and I gave him a half smile, still uncertain about the entire situation. We headed up the main stairs of the school building only to see Mr. Meyer waiting for us. My mind was spinning when Mr. Meyer opened the school building for us, allowing us in. "Thanks Meyester," Cameron said, giving him an ol' friendly slap on the back, causing Mr. Meyer to lose his balance and forcefully smile. Cameron led us to our old economics class where he opened the door, letting me in. As I walked inside, nostalgia hit me, and I immediately located my old desk, where a box was placed. I went up to it, hurriedly, and ripped the note off which was attached to it.
It read, My dear Dunya. On your first day of school, it was your father who took you and got to experience the first days of your education with you. On your first day of high school, it was I who took you to school and brought you back, taking place of your father. None of us will be there physically to take you to your first day of university, but we both know someone who can. At this very desk, you met a very handsome boy, and at this very desk, our lives changed. Open the box and you will see a gold bracelet that used to belong to me. It was your grandfather who gave it to me, and I am now passing it on to you. Head over to the Sweet Shoppe so I can give you your next gift.
I opened the box and held the gold bangle in my hand, its cold smooth finish causing me to shake. It was one of Teta's many gold accessories given to her by my grandfather when they got married. And now she was giving it to me. I looked at both Cameron and Adam who were staring at me inquiringly. I grabbed Adam's hand and began pulling him out. "Hurry let's go, we have to go to Teta's shoppe!" Both him and Cameron burst out laughing at my sudden outpour of adrenaline.
As soon as the car stopped, I quickly opened the door and jumped out. Racing to the store with Cameron and Adam behind me, I walked in only to smell the sweet fragrance of sugary snacks surrounding me from all angles. On the counter was another tiny embroidered box with a red ribbon attached to a card. Flipping the card open, it read: My dear Dunya. Knowing you, you probably haven't stepped foot into the store since my passing. Well I sure hope you keep up the store in my legacy. How else is the town supposed to get its daily fix of delight and diabetes? ;) Anyways, ever since Cameron first walked into this store, I knew this boy was going to be both trouble and a blessing. I know he's a good boy, and I know he has a heart of gold, and I know that he would do absolutely anything for you. He loves you Dunya, even though he may not have said it yet. Please don't dwell on my death and let it block you from seeing the beauty left in this world. There is still so much for you to discover. There is still so much love out there waiting for you. Leave my fate to God, pray for my soul, and honey, know that everything is in God's will. His plan for you is so much greater than anything you can imagine. Have trust in Him, and trust me, everything will all work out. You're a smart, strong girl Dunya, I'm sure you'll make amazing choices in your life. I love you, sugarbug.
I stood there holding the card, as I was balling. Adam rushed over to me and hugged me. "Please don't cry after every card you read Dunya," Adam laughed, trying to lighten the mood, but Teta's words were still ringing in my ear. For the past ten days I felt as though I was left on a cliff, looking out into a mirage, trying to grasp something that wasn't really there. I wanted to talk to hear, hear her voice, tell her how I scared I was so continue off my life without her. And here she was holding my hand telling me it was going to be okay. Here she was conversing with me- the one thing I've been longing for. And then it hit me that she said Cameron loved me. Even when her body isn't with us, she's still here trying to hook us up. I shook my head, letting out a chuckle as the tears at the brim of my eyes trickled down my face.
Taking the box off of the counter, I peeled the red satin ribbon off, unraveling the insides of the container. It was gold necklace with a stunning gold pendant in the centre. Another gift to Teta from my grandfather on their wedding day. Another gift to me on the tenth day of her passing. I pressed the heart shaped gold pendant into my palm and noticed it was a locket. I opened it to see a picture of Cameron and I on graduation. He was looking down at me and I was staring down at the flowers Teta surprised me with. On the other side was a picture of Teta, blowing a kiss directly into the camera. My eyes began to swell with tears once again.
"Dunya," Cameron cleared his throat and I looked up at him, almost forgetting his presence. "Please don't cry," he said with a tinge of sadness in his voice. I quickly wiped away my tears, taking deep breaths in. "Dunya I have to tell you something," he started. My heart rate suddenly picked up and I could feel my head spinning. There was a boulder in the pit of my stomach and I was mentally begging for him to hurry up in what felt like eternity. "I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past couple months and I've never known exactly how to tell you this," he chuckled. "To be honest, I've never been this nervous about anything before, and that scared the hell out of me. But anyways, I've also never been this sure of anything in my entire life." I suddenly was incapable of breathing. " From the minute I met you, I knew you were a tough cookie, but it took me a while to realize that it was that cookie I want to spend the rest of my life with." He cleared his throat once again as a blush arose to his cheeks and I could feel myself internally melting.
"Dunya, I'm in love with you and have been for a long time. And I know this may not seem like the right time, but before Teta left, I told her that I loved you and she was determined to make the moment perfect. And she wanted to be there with you when it happened. Hence all her wedding jewelry she's passing on to you. It was her dying wish to see us get married in front of her eyes, but it's too late for that, so she helped me set this up the moment she found out she had cancer. I know you're still grieving Dunya. But I want to be able to grieve with you. I want to be able to hug you and squeeze the life out of you and reassure you that it's okay and that I'm here for you. I'm gonna be a pain in the ass, I'm not going to lie. I'll irritate you and annoy you every day for the rest of your life, but I'll love you, so, unbelievably much. I want more than ever to be by your side through everything, and more than anything in this world and the next, I want to ask you to be my wife in front of God, and through His mercy. Dunya, I've wanted to say this for a long time, but, you're my dunya" He took a deep breath and I stood there staring at him, my chest rising heavily, and my mouth unable to move.
I could see a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead as he patiently awaited my response, and truth be told, I was too dumbfounded to even realize that I did not yet respond. "Dunya, yallah, answer him, haram he's waiting," Adam stood from the side beckoning me to reply.
"I uhm," I stuttered, a shy smile erupting on my lips. "I would love to," I nodded, my heart expanding to at least three times its size. I felt a euphoric type of dizzy and his face instantly glowed. Then he smacked his forehead and cursed.
"I forgot the ring," he pulled a tiny box out of his pocket and opened it up for me. His hands were shaking. "I know the other gifts were from Teta but this one is from me. I showed it to her and she said you would like it, so I went for it. Oh, uhm, it's white gold by the way." I gawked at the silver band bedazzled with tiny diamonds in the middle.
"It's beautiful," I said breathlessly.
By the time we went home, my mind was spinning and I still couldn't recollect all the events of the past few hours. My mother was in on the surprise after he asked for her and Teta's blessing. We all sat down in the living room to have a formal discussion as one big, dysfunctional family.
"I don't want a big wedding," I blurted out instantly. The entire room stared at me and Casey gave me a look of awe. "I mean, like, well you know not now, cause like, yeah. We could have some sort of party after though but I don't really want a big wedding." For the first time in my life, my perspectives on marriage completely changed. Gone was the girl who dreamed of a fairytale ball gown to wear on her wedding day. Gone was the girl who dreamed of a five-tier cake, fog for the entrance, a debke group upon arrival, loud music, and lights. Gone was the girl who thought her happiness laid in putting on a show. It wasn't that I suddenly changed my mind one hundred and eighty degrees, but after Teta passed, I realized that there was no point in having such an extravagant celebration if the people you really want there can't be. "I do, however, want everyone to be there when we do the kitbit al kitab (official marriage)."
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A lot can happen in a short period of time. That is something I never will doubt. In a short period of time, I lost my grandmother. In a short period of time, I gained a fiancé and a husband, and in a short period of time, we had made plans to move to California and transfer acceptances to instead Berkeley University and Lincoln University. We had an apartment ready for rent in Emeryville, right in the middle of both universities, so to each it would be about a ten-minute drive. I had planned to move to California with Teta, but I guess Allah has different plans in store. Mama decided to stay in Faycrest and tend to Teta's shoppe with Adam and Sumaya. Adam found co-op work in Faycrest so he'd be in and out of the town, between university and the store.
All of these life altering moments happened in a span of under a month, and needless to say, it was a hell of a lot to take in.
My mind was circling all my future possibilities as we were headed to the mosque to perform our kibit al kitab, the Islamic marriage contract. We parked the car and got out, heading into the imam's office. It was there and then that Cameron and I both signed our lives away, in front of the people that meant the world to me, and those who were with us spiritually. The imam said a few encouraging words about marriage and the rights of both the husband and the wife to one another and cracked a few jokes along the way. He then got down to the nitty gritty details of the ceremony. I had asked Adam to give me away for marriage seeing as he was my closest male blood relative, and he did with such a gracious smile. We signed the marriage contract and in front of witnesses, Adam gave me away, Cameron and I agreed to marry each other according to the Shariah Law and it came to an end. I was both numb and on fire at the same time. Cameron looked over at me with such pride in his eyes, and with a sly smirk on his face only I could see. I internally laughed, knowing that some things about him would never change. I hugged my mom and Adam gave Cameron a bro hug and we thanked the imam for his service.
We asked the imam if the prayer space was completely free for Cameron and I to pray in it alone together for the first time. He agreed and we went over. Cameron started the prayer and I prayed behind him for the first time ever, as his wife. As he went down in sujood, he stayed there a while, and I as well made extra prayers for Teta's soul while we were there. I knew he was doing the same.
As we were leaving the mosque, I promised everyone that we'd be back at home in a little bit. In the meantime, there was one thing I wanted to do to start off our marriage. We said our goodbyes and Cameron and I sat in his car and drove off. We arrived at the cemetery where Teta was buried and Cameron parked the car. He took my hand and held it in his for the first time, and the butterflies in my stomach were doing more than just somersaults by that point. He gently caressed my hand with his thumb, and leaned in to kiss my forehead. "My Dunya, my love, my life," he said gently, biting his lip. "You're finally mine," he said flirtatiously with a wink.
We left hand in hand to Teta's gravestone. The dead leaves that I crushed as I stepped on them pierced my heart, and my heartbeat quickened as I approached the stone that hovered over my grandmother's body. I stood there, staring at it, my body trembling. Cameron wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear, "it's okay Dunya, imagine how happy she must be right now. You fulfilled her dying wish." At that I lost it and turned around to hug him. He wiped my tears away and looked at me with a serious face. "Dunya, read Quran for her soul. Pray for her. That's all we can do, my heart."
And that's exactly what we did. We stood there, overlooking her grave and my father's grave in a sea of deceased bodies, reading Quran for them, reading prayers for them, and praying for our future. We prayed for a future to which we knew nothing but gratitude towards. Like Teta said, "Remember it, cherish it, and live for it."
A/N
So guys, this is it. The end. I know I owe you all an apology for delaying the end for so long, but I hope you all enjoyed it regardless. Also, you can follow my personal instagram account @samaakabbar. Keep in touch and thank you all for the amazing memories. I will be editing the book big time, because in the early stages of the book, I have to admit my writing sucked. I'm not sure exactly what will come out of it then, but yeah! Thanks again for everything! I love you all so very much <3