CHAPTER ONE
HOLD ON
Well, I don't want this to be some typical 'oh, my life sucks and I want to kill myself, blah, blah, blah' story, but every story has a start, a middle, and an end. And I am truly sad to say, that my start is sad. Now normally, I don't really ever let anyone know how I really feel. I always have a smile caked on my face to please those around me, because I don't feel like letting them have to worry about me. I hate when people have pity on me. It makes me feel weak.
Anyway, my story starts a week before Christmas. I found out weeks ago that my grandmother had diabetes, but it wasn't dangerous or anything. There wasn't anything to worry about. So, why not just focus on school and try to study for my finals, right? Exactly! But, unfortunately, as always, fate had other plans for me.
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I sat in my Spanish class, eyes eagerly darting to the clock. Soon enough, my mother would be here to pick me up so that we could go to Chicago and see my grandmother on my father's side. All I knew was that she was in the hospital, nothing big. There was a knock on the door and the security guard, Mrs. C, was there when Ms. Lopez opened the door. "Samantha, take your things," Ms. Lopez said. I already had my stuff packed, so I threw my bag over my shoulder and scurried out of the room and to the office, escorted by the female security guard. Though, all my eagerness evaporated when I spotted my mother in tears in the office.
"What happened?" I asked hesitantly as I thanked Mrs. C and left the building with my mom. She choked back the tears and shook her head, but I wasn't going to have it. If something happened to my grandmother, I don't know what I would do. She was a daily factor in my life, even when we moved to the suburbs. "Mom, what's going on? Tell me." She stopped and turned to me, eyes swimming in tears.
"It's your grandmother." She wiped her tears as she looked at me. She was really starting to freak me out. "She has cancer." She turned and walked to the car and hopped in. I followed quickly behind her, stunned. Cancer? How could she have cancer? She was just about the healthiest woman I knew, and she wasn't even that old! I felt my heart pound my ribs as I tried to control my breath, my eyes stinging. "Really?" I had to ask myself. Cancer? Of all things. I climbed into the back, seeing as my younger brother was up front. I placed my head against the window as students began to pile out of the school. I didn't care if they saw me, I began to cry.
My breath was jagged and I struggled for air, though I cried silently. In my head, I cursed God. I yelled at him, 'Why?! Why again!? What did she ever do to you!?' But I told myself, 'I'm not angry with God. I mean, I know that he's got a plan, but he's not taking her. He's not taking her without a fight.' And the whole hour drive to the city, I sat in the back, crying by myself. But why was it that every other chance I wasn't thinking of something to distract me 'She's going to die' kept popping into my head? Was it out of fear? Out of the fact that history does in fact repeat itself?
You see, this isn't the first time. This is the SECOND time this has happened. My grandmother from my mother's side was diagnosed with breast cancer and passed away three years ago. So you could see why I was so paranoid. I had calmed down by the time we entered the city, only because I allowed myself to space out, trying to ignore the fear that nibbled at my heart. But when the hospital was in view, I had to bite down on my lip just to make sure I didn't cry.
Cook County hospital.
The same hospital my other grandmother died in. The smell of hand sanitizer stung my nose as I made my way to the counter with my mom and brother. "We're here to see Amelia Crow," my mother said with a shaky voice. The woman behind the counter looked up at us and gave a soft smile.
"ID's." My mother took out her ID, and our military ID's. The woman nodded and copied the names onto a colored index card, handing them to us. "She's in room 456."
"Thank you," I mumbled as my mother quickly walked to the elevators. I figured she texted my aunt, because my aunt was already there, waiting for us. She was short and stout and was still in her work clothes. Her eyes were red and puffy. It was obvious she had been crying. My mother, feeling her pain, rushed over to her and embraced her. The sobbed together as my brother awkwardly stood to the side. I walked over and wrapped my arms around them both and failed to hold back the tears.
"How is she?" My mother asked, wiping her tears. My aunt forced a weak smile, accompanied by a shrug.
"She's being strong for everyone. She's scared, I can tell." I frowned at this. It wasn't like my grandmother to be scared. I motioned to the bathroom doors, looking at my aunt and mother.
"Why don't we freshen up?" We talked about how harsh the doctor was when he told my grandparents that my grandmother had pancreatic cancer. After we washed our faces to make it seem as if we didn't cry, we headed back out, and I saw my dad. He looked terrible. I walked over to him and hugged him as tight as I could. He needed the comfort more than I did. Though, now that I remember, later on, everyone was always telling me 'I know this has got to be hard for you.' Was it because I already went through it, or was my close relationship with my grandmother obvious?
My aunt and father led us to the room my grandmother was occupying and I went in first, taking the vacant seat beside her, smiling softly. "Hi," I managed to choke out. She pointed a finger at me, and with a weak grin and teary eyes she said, "Don't you dare cry."
I blinked and looked at her, but nodded nonetheless. "I won't." I didn't feel like crying, but I could have just been fooling myself. I got up and reached over, hugging her. "I love you."
She smiled and looked at me as I pulled back. "I love you too."
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The months went by and she only seemed to get worse. She was getting weaker and chemo wasn't helping her at all. It only made things worse. She didn't want to do anything anymore. The woman who loved the outdoors and hated being inside wished to do nothing but stay in bed - was the cancer wining? Every night, friends and family would come to the house and we would pray.
And it seemed like she was getting better. I mean, we went to Wisconsin for a week. Though she didn't do much, she was moving around.
Then she went into coma two weeks later.
Thing is, I didn't know. We arrived at her house, and I was a bit happy. Things were going well. I walked passed her room and glanced in to see my grandfather at her bedside, crying while she lay in bed motionless. Now tell me, what does that look like to a seventeen year old girl who's already had one grandmother die?
Bad.
I clamped my jaw shut and held back the tears as panic pricked at every nerve in my body. I walked up to my tearful aunt. "Is everything okay?" I was surprised to hear my voice sounded even. My aunt nodded.
"Yeah, yeah, everything's okay." I looked around the kitchen to see at least three more crying figures.
Now, why didn't I believe her? I made my way back to her room, where I saw my divorced parents hugging and crying. My breath hitched in my throat and I started to cry.
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At the end of the week, she was at the hospital and the doctors were very skeptical about her living much longer. One by one, we went in and said out goodbyes. When I went in, I told her everything - that I was the way I was because of her and that she was the greatest gift God had ever given me. I also told her that she was my bed friend and the haircut I got in fourth grade wasn't stupid, that I really didn't hate it.
"I got it because it was what you had. I looked up to you. I wanted to be pretty like you are," I admitted through tears before getting up, kissing her warm cheek, unknowingly for the last time, and telling her, "I love you," before walking out.
A few hours later, I walked back into the room to see if my dad needed anything. He was at my grandmother's side, holding her hand. For some reason, I kept my mouth shut and stood behind the chair next to my dad, clutching the back of it. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my stepmother's face turn to panic as I felt my heart drop to the floor and shatter. Staring out at Lake Michigan midnight was beautiful, wasn't it? As I stared blankly into the darkness, a tear fell down my cheek and I turned to look at my grandmother. Everyone entered the room in a panic and they called a doctor.
The whole time, I just stood there, staring at her, dazed. I was begging that no one came up to me saying, 'I'm so sorry' or 'Are you okay?'
Pity. It wasn't something I wanted then.
I just wanted her back.
I wanted my best friend back.
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A month later, I got a call from my best friend. "Sam," He said.
"Yeah, Josh?" My voice was flat, almost dead like. He groaned on the other line and cursed under his breath.
"Listen, I want you to think about this, okay?" He waited for a response, but when he got none, he groaned and continued. "Listen, idiot, do you think your grandma would've wanted you to stop living life and just be sad all the time?" I winced when he mentioned my grandmother. It was like throwing salt on a fresh wound. "I didn't think so. So what've you gotta do with life? Hold on, that's what. Look, I was surfing YouTube the other night and I found this song.
"I know you don't listen to Jonas Brothers, but this song has got heart... And I think you otta listen to it. Maybe it'll help you. It's called 'Hold On.'" He sighed. "Well, I guess I'll see you around." And with that, he hung up. He was right. My grandmother would have hated what I was doing. Just living life like a zombie. Sighing, I pushed myself out of bed and stalked over to my laptop. I flipped it open and turned it on. While I waited, I bit my lower lip. Hold on? How could I when the most precious thing in my life left me for the better life?
Pressing my lips together, I opened a browser and typed in YouTube. I searched the song and waited for it to load before hitting play. I leaned back in the chair and watched as the three Disney princes sung their song:
"We don't have time left to regret (hold on)
It will take more than common sense (hold on)
So stop your wondering take a stand (hold on)
There's more to life than just to live (hold on)
'cause an empty room can be so loud
It's too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
One single smile a helping hand
It's not that hard to be a friend
So don't give up stand 'til the end
There's more to life than just to live
'cause an empty room can be so loud
It's too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
When you love someone
And they break your heart
Don't give up on love
Have faith, restart
Just hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
When it falls apart
And you're feeling lost
All your hope is gone
Don't forget to hold on, hold on
'cause an empty room can be so loud
It's too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
When you love someone
And they break your heart
Don't give up on love
Have faith, restart
Just hold on, hold on
'cause an empty room can be so loud
It's too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
When you love someone
And they break your heart
Don't give up on love
Have faith, restart
Just hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on."
My eyes were wide as I stared at the screen. I restarted the video again and searched Google for the lyrics. After reading it about ten times and playing the song over, I stood up and dressed, leaving the house as the brothers sung, "Don't give up on love, have faith, restart, just hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on."
Author's Note:
Whoa. This took a while to write. Though I don't feel like it was good. :/ What do you guys think? Let me know!
What was your reaction? Were you happy, sad, depressed, touched, moved, unnerved, upset? Also, I'd like to thank DinosaursGoRawr Because she gave me the strength to write this, and I hope she knows that. :D