Starfire's room was dim and quiet. The soft sound of a piano played from her stereo, and it soothed the tension from the shattering conclusion of today's battle. The sound of explosives and ear ringing shots still haunted her as she sat by the dressing table, staring into her pale reflection.
She had never minded the roughness of violence, how it pushes adrenaline through her body, sending her mind into an emptiness that only allowed her to act in a moment of self-defense. But today's battle had been different, and Starfire hated it. The feeling of being powerless and lost in such a moment she could not afford to be.
Starfire shook, then sat her brush with a loud thud. Swiftly she hung her towel to dry then laid on her bed. As she closed her eyes, the memory of today's battle came in an uninvited wave.
_It was blinding and confusing as Starfire flew through the smoke. As the heavy layer of dust and particle parted, she caught sight of Robin as he flung himself high with his metal staff. She had floated still when he brought his feet down with force, breaking the jaw and teeth of the man. A snap followed as the man's head bounced back to the hard pavement. _
_ It was oddly satisfying. Starfire thought when she began to move towards him. "Robin," She called out to him. _
_ Robin turned to her, and then it happened; a sudden flash of red sent her to temporary blindness; for a moment, she couldn't see anything but hear Robin's cry of pain, a loud thud that sent shivers through her spine. When she opened her eyes, she almost could not breathe._
_ The red-ish ammo, whatever the liquid was, had a force so strong that Robin flew against the hard brick wall, landing on the sidewalk. licking blue flames spread around them, dust particles falling like gray snow, and the sound of battle close still. There, between all of that chaos, he lay still. _
_ Robin. Who had never cried out in pain, who always staggered to his feet, who would never give up in a fight, who could always stand up again no matter what was awfully still. _
_ Starfire felt her body lose power as she landed on the cold ground, blood drained from her face as she ran across the street towards Robin. Around her, people cried, running for cover. Their faces were a blur as Starfire knelt next to the boy she had come to care for very much. Amid her shock, Starfire heard Beast Boy crying out to them, turning from an Antelope into a greenish boy. She could not speak, did not dare to move him, her hands physically shaking._
_ "He is not moving," Starfire said to BeastBoy, who seemed shocked himself. He stood by her, his expression was grim. With doubt, Beastboy knelt, carefully turning Robin to lie on his back. There, just above his hip, was a gaping red wound where the gun had torn his skin. A blackish-red puddle widened around him, the smell of copper strong in the air, sweat on his pale skin. She had never seen him so pale._
_ "Dude... those bastards," Beastboy said under his breath, his voice strained. Starfire could not think clearly, but she knew the greenish boy long enough to know he was angry. She thought Beastboy would stand and then march at the masked criminals left standing, as he always did, but instead, he peeked over his shoulder, eyes darting around; searching._
_ "Starfire, take Robin back to the tower. We'll finish up here then we'll be right there." Beastboy gazed straight into her eyes as he said it; the sounds of explosives nearly drowned his voice. Starfire opened her mouth in protest, not sure what to do with an open wound like this, but before she could say it, Beastboy dashed away; turning into a lion. _
_ Starfire knew what she needed to do, to take Robin to a safe place but still, she knelt there clueless. When she reached the tower, and then what? She wished she knew how to heal like Raven, or know anything about counting pulses like Cyborg and his amazing machines, but she doesn't. Starfire looked around; the men around her had red eyes covered with masks of gray and silver. She opened her mouth, eyes darting, searching for a familiar purple cape, the beautiful shade of blue circuits of a strong robotic arm, or the pointy ear of a greenish shape-shifter, to tell her what to do with such a wound._
_ Beast Boy was clawing his way through a group of armed men, Raven sent a wave of black tar, throwing them into the river; her eyes black, and Cyborg blasted them until their bodies crashed against the thick walls of the city._
Ash fell like gray rain that stuffed her lungs; her body half wet from sweat, the ground hard and sharp under her touch. Robin gave no sign of gaining consciousness when finally Starfire slipped her hands under him.
_Starfire braced herself, praying to the Gods who held the sky together and held him in her arms. Robin weighed nothing; she thought sadly and then shot to the sky. _
_ The chilly wind of the night seemed to abandon her in her most time of need. Starfire felt her body hot and heavy, she was afraid she would lose her power now and then they would both fall. From everything that she felt, fear was something she had dealt with regularly, but none like this._
_ "Oh please Robin, please be alright." She whispered._
Starfire pushed herself up to sit, the memory still made her shiver all over. The proof of that event still lay in front of her bathroom, covered in dirt, gunpowder, dust, and blood. Starfire stared at the pile then looked away almost instantly. Robin's blood. Has the thought of blood ever shaken her this much? Starfire shivered, hugging her teddy bear while her memories came flashing back once again.
_ Starfire laid Robin on the infirmary bed, weak and pale. She felt nausea wash over her when she saw his blood-stained everything she touched, covering the tips of her finger, on her clothes, the smell of it strong and fresh. With shaking hands, Starfire began to dig in the small drawer by the bed for a towel, some bandages, alcohol, and cotton. It was something you looked for when you were injured, she thought, but it didn't give any assurance.
This might be the death of him because she had let him slip from her hands; Starfire thought with horror. In Tamaran her people did not die like this. They did not have fatal injuries with blood and torn flesh. They were strong with hard skin, and if there was anything that could penetrate their strength it was long destroyed after the Great War. Frustrated, Starfire cried out, "Please Robin, please don't go," She could feel her eyes watering, and she shook them off brutally. No. It was no time to panic, it was no time to shake like a child when Robin is laying there dying._
_"Get hot water." Raven's sudden arrival snapped Starfire out of her panic. Raven's hair looked like a mess of a bird's nest; tangled and sweaty. Her bare legs were covered in blotches of sand and dust. Her boots were wet and muddy. Starfire nodded, "I shall return," She said as she flew out of the room. There was no sign of Beastboy or Cyborg anywhere. Only the quiet dark corridors as she went to the kitchen. _
_ It was dark and the night lights of the city cast shadows inside the room, stretching out on the floor. Starfire's silhouette danced almost in a frantic rhythm as she scanned the kitchen and tried to remember where she had left the silver basin. Pulling every drawer, opening every cabinet door, she finally found it between two boxes of cereal and then filled it with hot water._
_ "Robin!" She looked up, suddenly cold. It was Cyborg calling from the distance, Beastboy ran right behind him when they passed the main sitting room; fast, just a silhouette before vanishing._
Restless, Starfire took her nightrobe and left the room. The corridor at night was pitch black with cold gray walls, once it had made her homesick. But then there was also where she had stood at night talking to Robin when she could not sleep. There was where she felt him touch the tips of her fingers as if he meant to hold her hand. Sometimes she could not help but think it was just her imagination.
They were now seventeen and Robin grew taller than her; body broadening, muscles thickening, and voice heavy, husky, and somehow soothing. He had grown to be a slender teen, his jawline sharpening over the years.
Starfire stared at the gray door, for a moment in doubt. She felt her chest tightening into a painful knot. But why? She wondered. This was Robin after all; there was no reason to feel this sensation of... fear?
Resting her hands on the flat surface of the door, Starfire braced herself as it beeped. It slid to the left; revealing the room she left a few hours ago. There, on the bed was Robin, still lying on his back. Head held by a white pillow, a heavy blanket over his body, and his hands rested below the chest. Rising and falling in a tempo.
It was so peaceful inside and rather cold. Starfire sat beside Robin, enjoying the calm and at the same time breathtaking sensation she always had when she was alone with him. Though Robin was just an ordinary human, she noticed, he could make her feel safe. He could lead them all, through danger, through doomsday; when Raven's father had come to pay them a 'visit', through Slade, through countless enemies, through Terra... Starfire's eyelids fell, her sight blurry as the memories of the blond-headed girl invaded her mind.
Careful not to wake him, Starfire followed the lines of Robin's face with her fingertips. Half of it was covered by a mask of black and silvery gray. And yet, she still thought he was handsome. He had a perfectly shaped nose, down to his full mouth where now it looked paler than it usually does. His jaw was rectangular, narrowed from his high cheekbones. Like Batman, he had an elegant face despite his mask.
What does he look like without his mask? A small voice whispered inside. Starfire bit her bottom lip, her hand hovering in doubt. She couldn't, could she? Not now. He was so defenseless in his sleep, she thought with an aching heart. If she lifted his mask now, she would betray his trust. The trust that she would never try to find the boy behind the Boy Wonder.
She never felt like this before, the pain of not being close enough to someone is maddening. It was strange how she yearned to know more about him as if standing behind a glass wall. And today she had almost lost him and lost him without truly knowing him.
But this was Teen Titans, and he is Boy Wonder. There was no life outside of crime-fighting for them. A world where she was the girl who knew who Robin was behind that tough exterior.
Words echoed in her mind, a familiar voice she had heard. She remembered; Robin's secret identity is the most important thing to him, he'll never let anyone know who he is.
Starfire swallowed. Does she dare? With a racing heart, Starfire lifted her hand to dismiss his mask before she could change her mind.
End of Part 1