Sehun
The taste of Luhan's lips tastes like beer. I pulled him closer to me to deepen our kiss. He's responding to my kisses with the same intensity, hunger, and greed. His soft lips, I always want to brush with mine and mine alone. His actions sets me at ease. I know, I could feel I still have a place in his heart. I know it, and I can see it in his misty eyes.
"No.. no.. no," Luhan whispered before he pushed me. Napahawak sya sa braso nya at hindi magawang salubingin ang tingin ko. I tried to get near him but he wouldn't let me.
"Luhan," I called his name.
"Go home, Sehun. Please."
I hesitated.. yet Luhan, pushed me.
Wala na akong nagawa. I won't give up on him. Not now. I yanked the car keys out of my pocket. I stopped before I reached the gate and lifted my gaze. Our eyes met, his eyes mix with confusion and guilt. At nang makarating ako sa bahay ay sinalubong ako ni Hanse nang may malapad na ngiti sa labi.
"Appa, mom ith wollied."
"Ganun ba?" Napatingin ako kay Yna na nakatayo malapit sa may hagdanan. Yung totoo, I thought we could make it work for Hanse. I thought I can forget about Luhan. And I gave it a chance. I asked her out for dinner, sinunod ko ang sinabi ni Chanyeol but in the end, no. Luhan is tattoed in my head, in my heart and in my whole being. And no one could ever replace him. I don't have anything left to offer to Yna but only a name to our kid, it's all I've got in my sleeve.
"Pinuntahan mo ba sya?"
Ginulo ko ang buhok ni Hanse, "Go to your room first." utos ko na sya namang sinunod nya, "And so, what if I did?" I told Yna. She was taken a back for what I said. I know I'm being such an asshole to her when she only wanted was to have a happy family, and for Hanse to be one happy kid with us around.
"Why can't we just live how we are now? Ito ang pinili mo at yun ang pinili nya. Ito ang pamilya mo at yun ang pamilya nya." Yna held her tears threatening to spill from her eyes. Her eyes full of pain. "Don't look at me as if this was all my fault!" she said. Why am I giving her a cold shoulder? Hindi lang sya ang may kasalanan. I'm responsible for that. I'm at fault too. Kasalanan namin 'to.
"I know," I whispered.
"You said, you'll try."
"I did."
"No, you did not, Sehun. You only use it as an excuse to forget about Luhan. How can you do that when you look at me like I'm a big blot in your life?" Yna said with a brittle tone, and accusations underneath, "Don't do the same thing to Hanse," she continued as she wiped the tears from her cheeks, "Don't hurt him, please."
He's my kid so, why would I? I wanted to say this to her, but I decided to stay quiet. Yna's loud cries filled the living room, our empty house that even if we're living together, we are more like strangers to each other. I took a step forward and gently tapped her shoulder then she hugged me. I only let her. Her arms wrapped around me as if she's damn afraid.
Afraid to be left out again.
When I lifted my gaze, I saw Hanse peeking at us with his expressive rounded eyes. He's giving me those innocent smiles again, and I feel guilty. Why do I always give him a sight of a lie? I'm the baddest father ever lived for I can't put my children first before me. I just don't want Hanse to suffer, to go through the same thing I did. Seeing my parents endless fights, my Dad's rejections and mom's tears.
So I kept running... I don't want to go home and lie. All these years we've been living a lie. Such lie, that his mom and I are... okay.
Luhan
"I'll take that as a yes."
Nasapo ko ang mukha ko. My thoughts are digging deep, and burying me in this black hole of confusion. Hindi mawala sa isip ko yung nangyari. Sehun kissed me not once but twice, no, I don't know. At ang malala, this time, nagkiss back ako! What the hell happened to me? Naambunan? Nasinagan kasi ako ng buwan? I feel so guilty and I'm pretty sure, Sehun won't leave me alone..
Hindi nya ako titigilan.
"Earth to mother Luhan?" Narinig kong banggit ni Kyungsoo. Nagtaas ako ng tingin at napansin kong nakatingin silang lahat sa akin, "Mukha kang baklang dinatnan sa unang pagkakataon. Teh, wag ng umasa. Let go mo na yan." Napairap ako. Speaking of letting go, bakit kaya hindi nya muna ilet go ang kepkep short ni Ziyu? Mukhang kay Asher naman ata ang suot nya ngayon. Tsk.
"Anong problema?" Baekhyun asked.
Dumako agad ang tingin ko kay Hansol na tinitignan lang ang mga isda sa aquarium nila Baekhyun kesa makipaglaro kela Ash. Hansol is not that playful, he prefers books and watching TV rather than playing toys. Though sometimes, he fools around in the house with Kharin. Nakakatuwa pa naman syang tumawa. He smiles like Sehun a lot.
"Shh. Wag ka ng magsalita. Alam ko na ang sagot. Nabavibes kong si Sehun ang problema mo. Shh. Shh! Manahimik ka, Luhan. Wala kang maitatago sa amin ni Kyungsoo! Shh! Shh! Manahimik ka na!" binatukan ko si Baekhyun. Ni isang salita, wala naman akong sinabi. Shabu pa more. Papahuli ko na 'to kay Duterte sa susunod.
"Baliwag ka na naman. Oo, si Sehun." I confessed with a frustrated sigh, "He.. he kissed me.." dugtong ko na pinandilatan nilang dalawa ng mata, "I kissed.. back." Napasabunot ako sa ulo ko. Hindi ko kasi maintindihan ang sarili ko. Bakit ko kasi ginawa yun? Hindi ko rin alam. Masyado akong nadala nung yakapin nya ako. His strong arms, and his good smell, right at there, I dunno. I love Kharin at tapos na kaming dalawa ni Sehun.. tapos na. Shit.
"OMG! Isa kang salawal!"
Kyungsoo hit Baekhyun's head, "Oh tapos? Nacoconfuse ka? It's either, you are still not over him, or it's just purely lust." he said, "Pero.. alam kong alam mong hindi lang yan basta libog lang. Hindi mo lang maamin sa sarili mo pero sya pa rin, 'di ba?" he continued with a questioning eyes. Yung tingin nya, tila pinapaamin nya ako. I stood up not saying a word. Napatingin ako kay Hansol tsaka napayuko.
This is not just because of us but the people around us, the kids, and our own family. Oo siguro nga, may natitira pang pagmamahal sa dibdib ko para kay Sehun at gusto ko ng patayin yun bago pa ako kainin nun ng buo. Dahil sa ngayon, parte ko na rin si Kharin. I will do anything just to give him happiness.
"I love Kharin." I said.
"Sinasabi mo ba yan dahil totoo o dahil gusto mong paniwalain ang sarili mo?" Kyungsoo asked with his usual expression. Oo munggago tong BFF ko pero may sense naman syang kausap. "Wag mong ikulong ang sarili mo sa salitang yan, usa, dahil baka hindi mo mapanindigan." he added.
"Penguin, uy, wag serious."
Tinignan tuloy ng masama ni Kyungsoo si Baekhyun, "If you can't sort your feelings out, don't say anything. You might end up sharing a commitment just because you don't want to violate it." he lectured that left me wordless, unable to defend myself. Makes sense?! Tama naman kasi sya. Kahit baliw tong si Kyungsoo, may sense kausap.
"Bakit ba si Papa Sehun--"
Napatigil si Baekhyun sa sasabihin nya at pare-pareho kaming napalingon nang may marinig kaming malakas na kalampag mula sa kusina nila. "What? Papa Sehun?!" sabi ni Chanyeol sa tonong bakas ang pagseselos. Wagas naman kasi maka-Papa Sehun tong si Baekhyun, maboboombayah tuloy sya ng 'di oras but knowing how stubborn Baekhyun, hinawi nya lang ang buhok nya at wapakels.
"Maglaro ka nalang ng pokemon go dun! Mas importante pa ang pokemon na yan kesa sa tetemon on the go ko! Taena mo! Wag mo akong kausapin!" sigaw naman ni Baekhyun pabalik. Nagtatakang napalingon tuloy ang mga bagets sa kanya. Bwiset talaga ang bunganga ng hayop, wala pa ring preno.
"Balik na naman tayo sa paglalaro ko ng pokemon go? Nakahanap ako ng pokemon sa underwear mo ah?" sabi ni Chanyeol. Boset tong dalawa.
"Buti pa underwear ko may poke --mon. Manahimik ka! Makakahanap din ako ng mas MALAKI." ani naman nitong si Baekhyun na nagpaasim sa mukha naming dalawa ni Kyungsoo.
"BAEKHYUN!" sigaw ni Chanyeol.
"Ano?" sigaw pabalik ni Baekhyun.
"I love you!" Napairap kaming dalawa ni Kyungsoo. Wagas din maglandian. Simple lang pero kilig. Kunwari namang hindi pa kinikilig si Baekhyun. Nagtaas lang sya ng kilay nya. Sure ako, may session mamaya.
"Oo na! I love you too!" sagot ni Baekhyun while tucking some strands of hair behind his ear. Kalandian ng gaga. Simula book one, Chanbaek lang ang nanatiling matatag. They trust and love each other so much. Sa anong hirap at sakit, pinaghahatian nilang dalawa. That's what married couples supposed to be. One don't take all the pain, but two of them. One don't decide on his own but the two of them. Byun Baekhyun found an amazing guy.
"Bago ka muna lumandi, Baekhyun, bakit hindi mo muna turaan si Jesper maglakad ng maayos?" entra ko pa at napatingin kami kay Jesper na naglalakad na akala mo signal number 5 ang balakang at pasway sway pa. I snapped my forehead. Kendeng pa more ah. Tinake ba nya ang pills ni Baekhyun? He's so like him. Hindi mapagkakailang magina sila.
"Hayaan nyo na yan. Oh nak, simulan mo pa dun sa kanto sa kabila para maperfect mo." sabi ni Baekhyun at binatukan ko tuloy.
"Hoy Jes, ano yan?" tanong ko.
Napahinto agad si Jesper, "Nagprapractice po ako para sa graduation namin." sagot nya at napa-eh ako. Speechless na ako nang maglakad ulit sya na kumekendeng kaliwa't kanan. Hindi ko kineri! Si Chanyeol na ang pumigil sa kahibangan ng anak nya. Umalis na rin ako pagkatapos, iniwan ko muna ang kambal sa kanila. And I just hope, intact pa rin ang sanity nila kapag binalikan ko sila.
Pinuntahan ko ang venue na sinabi ni Appa. Biglaang nakipagkita sya sa akin dahil may paguusapan daw. And I have no clue about that. Maybe si Sehun, alam nya, but I'm too lazy to call him. As if. All I ever want to do right now is to avoid him. Nang makapasok ako sa Italian restaurant, feeling ko gumuho ang mundo ko. Earth is just too small for us.
He's sitting in an outdoor table. There are also lights strung in the tree branches. The place is just too beautiful and cozy and yet, I'm seething with nervousness. No matter how much I tried to get rid of that kiss, it's still stuck in my head. I just can't get it out!
"Why are you here?" I asked.
"Can we eat first?"
Hindi na ako nagprotesta. Umupo ako at lumapit sa amin ang waiter. Pagbigay ng order namin hanggang sa makarating, ni walang salitang lumabas sa bibig naming dalawa ni Sehun. And because, the silence seems annoying, I broke it. "Speak while we're still eating. I don't have time for coffee after this." I told him in flat voice.
"Dad is getting married." he said.
"What? Paano? Kanino?"
"To a woman much younger than his kids. He wants us to organize the wedding. But more like, pay for it?" Sehun said, leaving me dumbfounded. I have no clue that dad is seeing someone? Tapos mas bata pa sa amin ni Sehun? What's with Dad? And why all of the sudden? I don't know that he's thinking.
"He's too old for this."
"Who's too old to get married?"
"I know but----" I paused, and stared at my plate. The moment, I hefted my head up, it was too late to avoid Sehun's thumb, wiping the sauce out of my lips. My eyes widened. I was too nervous and shock at the same time to avoid it. Meeting Sehun's eyes, glancing at his chin and neck, smelling his good scent is only adding speed to my heartbeat. Damn it.
When your body tells you the truth and you refuses to accept it. As they say, denying is a psychological defense to protect oneself, for they don't want pain to get in the way. Yes, I should know it better, but just like everyone else, I'm struggling to figure out what to do.
"Let him do what he wants and eat your food. I bet Appa is aiming for the church in the island near the resthouse. Do you have any ideas?" Sehun asked. Alam kong marami pa syang sinasabi pero parang wala atang pumapasok sa isip ko. It seems like all his sentences is filled with, wedding. Boset.
"Why are you staring at my lips?"
Natilian ako sa sinabi ni Sehun. Hindi agad ako nakasagot. Why am I staring at his lips absentmindedly? "About the kiss." I said.
Sehun placed the fork back in its place, "If you want to push me after kissing back like that, that won't do, Luhan." he said.
I sighed, without saying a word.
Sehun reached for my hand, squeezing it. His warm hand convincing me to let him back into my life again, but this is wrong. Naalala ko bigla yung sinabi ni Hansol sa akin, and it's more like a warning to me.
"I missed you." Sehun professed.
"I'm sorry but I don't have time to miss you. I was too busy loving someone else and that is not you." Binawi ko agad ang kamay ko, but then those words stabbed me right back in the chest because the truth is..
I missed him too.. so much.