Bee
I hadn’t planned on breaking down the way I did in front of Lola, but I had needed the support of a friend. It had felt that I was alone in my own hell of a world but then her laughter and jokes broke through the hazy clouds and I held onto her. She had held me tight as I cried my eyes out, not caring that I was staining one of her favorite shirts. She had just held me and in that moment it felt that everything would be alright. Then we had to head back to the school and I tried hard to act like it was what I wanted to do.
The truth is that I wanted to run the moment we got near the school. I wanted to run and never turn back, but I couldn’t. Flashes of my crying mother and worried sister had invaded my mind and I kept on walking along with Chrissie and Lola. As we neared the gates and walked to the janitor’s lounge, I kept thinking that I could make it. I could escape and just forget everything. I was tired; tired of faking a smile when all I wanted was to curl up and cry my eyes out. I glanced at Lola and she smiled at me sweetly.
Okay Bee, you can do this; I told myself.
When I saw Memo from a distance I remembered that Lola had thought that it had been him who slapped me. She had gotten so mad that for a minute there I actually was scared. In the months that Lola and I have been friends I have never seen her that mad. Then again she has never seen me cry the way I did today. Anyway, when I saw Memo I thought it would be best for me to walk ahead and avoid an argument between the two. They were already in the dean’s list for arguing during classes and disrupting the peaceful environment. I waved ‘bye’ to Chrissie and Lola and walked on ahead.
Memo was standing in the middle of his friends with one arm around Tammy’s shoulders. Did I mention that she hasn’t talked to me since I slapped her that day Lola had been called to the principal’s office? I knew she could hold onto grudges and to be honest I didn’t blame her. I did attack her without a reason, well at least a good enough reason.
“Where you been all day?” Memo asked as he dropped his arm from around Tammy’s shoulders and draped it around my own.
I shrugged and glanced back to see Lola and Chrissie walking the opposite way. How I wished I could have gone with them, but I knew that Memo would throw a fit if I had just done that. At times it felt that we weren’t in a real relationship since I had to walk on egg shells most of the time just in case Memo found anything annoying. It was a pain in the ass, but he loved me; in his own way at least. Lola’s words ran through my mind and a smile covered my lips. She had asked to be strong for the both of us and it had felt right, perfect in fact. It had felt that I could open my soul to her and I wouldn’t be cast out for heaving too many demons in the closet. I looked at Memo, who was talking about cars with his friends, and I frowned.
If he was my boyfriend, then why didn’t I feel the security Lola made me feel with Memo? We have been together for a bit and in all this time I have never questioned Memo’s ability to make me feel secure and confident in myself… until now.
“Is something the matter?” I heard him ask and I shook my head. Memo shrugged and continued talking with his friends. If it had been anyone else, they would have noticed that nothing was fine with me. They would see that I was cracking bit by miserable piece.
“Can I get a ride home?”
“Sure,” Memo said to whoever asked the question and he began pulling me towards his truck.
I stopped on my tracks and pulled him off of my arm. He looked at me with a raised eyebrow and reached for my arm again but I flinched away. I could almost see the vein on his forehead throbbing and I tried to think of a quick excuse. The truth was that if he was already heading home, then he would drop me off. If he dropped me off right now the house would be empty except for Raul. My mom would get home until the evening and my sister would be with her, which meant I would be all alone in that house with him.
The mere thought of it made the lump in my throat come back and a chill run down my spine.
“I need to talk to my English teacher since I missed class,” I said with an apologetic smile, praying that he would buy the lie.
Memo stood there with his arms crossed over his chest and nodded, “Alright, call me when you’re done so I can come pick you up.”
Without a warning, he reached for me and pressed his lips hard against mine. I could already feel the bruises forming. He stared at me for a second longer and I noticed a frown replacing the hard look in his eyes. His thumb caressed under my eye and I remembered that the bruise from the slap would still be visible. I closed my eyes and opened them again, staring into my boyfriend’s eyes. For the first time in a really long time, I saw the old Memo in those eyes; the Memo that stole my heart and was so caring and loving.
Believe it or not Memo hadn’t always been an asshole.
“What happened?”He whispered and I touched his hand, feeling the tears pricking my eyes. I was about to answer when Tammy interrupted me.
“Come on, Memo, I have to be home right now!” It had been her who asked for the ride home, figures.
Memo looked at Tammy and nodded, but when he turned back to look at me the loving gesture in his eyes was gone. I cursed Tammy in that moment because she had ruined a moment that hadn’t happened in half of my relationship with him. I looked at Tammy and she rolled her eyes at me. I shook my head and walked away from Memo and his friends. I could still hear them laughing and joking as they made their way to the truck and I stopped before crossing the gate into the school. At this moment I could care less about my English class, all I wanted was to stall my going home until my mom was home.
Once I saw that they had left the school’s parking lot, I made my way over to the library. The librarian looked at me funny and I remember screaming at Lola inside the library. Sorry, I mouthed and walked over to the fiction section. The tales of love even after thousands of obstacles were my favorite. Half a book later, I looked up and cussed under my breath. I had gotten lost in the book that I hadn’t noticed the time. It was starting to get dark and I still had to walk home. I thought about calling Memo as I rushed out of the library but decided not to. He would have questions to which I didn’t have answers. I thought about calling Lola to see if one of her dad’s could pick me up and give me a ride home, but thought it was too selfish so I just began walking towards my house.
The walk home wasn’t long even when I slowed my pace to match a snail. The thoughts that had invaded my mind during the silent walk were of self hatred and disgust. Just thinking about walking into that house and seeing his smug face, the disgusting look in his eyes, and the smirk that seemed to be forever plastered on his face made me sick to my stomach. I wish I could tell my mother about what happened and have her kick him out of our lives, but I couldn’t do that. It would be his word against mine; even though my relationship with my mom is good, I would be saying that the love of her life is a rapist.
The chances of my mother believing me are one in a million and I wasn’t feeling that lucky.
I shook my head for the billionth time today, trying to rid myself of such disgusting memories. But I couldn’t… because waiting outside my house, sitting on the porch like he owned the place, was my stepfather and his two friends. He was sipping his beer and I stopped by the bushes, tightening the hold I had on my backpack. They were joking about something I couldn’t hear but I knew it was crude and disgusting. Raul was vulgar and disgusting in the whole sense of the word; and like that saying goes ‘birds of a feather flock together’.
Taking a deep breath and biting my trembling lip, I walked down the stone path to the front house. I could feel my heart hitting my ribcage like a caged animal trying to escape. When Raul noticed that I was there, the smirk increased and he licked his lips. I felt cold sweat starting to form on my forehead as I tried to ignore him and walk inside.
“Your mom’s been asking for you, Beatriz.” He said in a calm voice, but I could hear the malice behind his words.
“Thanks,” I mumbled and trying to rush past them but he caught my arm in his filthy hand. His friends chuckled as one took a drink from his beer and the other rubbed his huge beer belly.
“I tried to stop you this morning but you took off, why?” The way he looked at me with malice in his eyes and licking his lips made me feel dirty… filthy.
“I had to go to school,” I pulled away from him and opened the front door. When he laughed and slapped my ass I felt something inside me snap.
I turned back to look at him, the smirk still on place, and before he could react I back-handed him across the face. I could feel my hand burn with the sudden force I had put into the slap but I didn’t care. My backpack was now on the floor and I was clenching my fists. I knew that I had bruised his pride in front of his friends, but he had robbed me of my innocence. Today I had needed Lola’s strength to hold myself together, and right now I needed that security I felt to stand up for myself. It would be the first time I ever knowingly hurt Raul without trying to escape, so I knew that there would be consequences. I tried to picture what would Lola do in my place and the sudden image of Raul in the hospital castrated flashed through my mind. I smiled a bit but it was gone when Raul slapped me, hard.
“Fuck!” I yelled and held my cheek, tears already stinging my eyes.
“Que esta pasando aqui?” I heard my mother’s firm voice and knew she was mad, which meant she would be royally pissed when she find out what I just did.
“Your fucking daughter attacked me!” Raul said, hiding behind my mother like always. He liked to act all macho like but I knew that in this house the one that gave the orders was my mom. The only stupid one to fear him was me.
“What?” My mom asked with wide eyes as she inspected Raul’s cheek. Nice one mom, I thought as I fought back the burning tears and rubbed my reddened cheek.
“I barely fucking touched him. He has done so much worse and now you’re going to defend him?!”
My mom turned to look at me, “Watch your language, young lady. Why did you attack your dad?”
I glared at my mom, “He fucking well deserved it and he’s not my fucking dad.” My mother returned the glare and I saw her look around us for a second. I did the same and noticed that our neighbors were outside their houses witnessing this embarrassing moment.
“Metete a la casa,” she said in Spanish so our immediate neighbors wouldn’t understand.
I shook my head, “so you can hit me and give this bastard the satisfaction? Fuck no!”
Damn, wrong choice for words. The force in my mother’s slap made me taste blood and almost threw me off balance. The look in her face was the ‘do not fuck with me right now because I will beat you in front of all these people’ look and I swallowed the metallic saliva. I stood up straight, grabbed my backpack and tried to go inside the house only to have my mother block my path.
“Take a walk around the block and don’t come back until you’ve cooled your head. I will not have my daughter disrespecting my house and the people that live in it.” She crossed her arms over her breasts and gave me the ‘do as you are told’ look.
I glanced at Raul and just as I thought he was smirking with a sickening look in his eyes. His friends were trying not to laugh at my expense and I glanced back at my mother.
“He isn’t the person you think he is, mom,” I tried saying. It was now that I needed to come clean whether she’d believe me or not.
My mother shook her head, “I don’t want to hear any more lies from you, Beatriz. Regresa cuando sepas comportarte como parte de nuestra familia.”
I fought back the tears as I left my mother on the porch, glaring daggers at me. I know I had embarrassed her and it hadn’t been my intention, but damn it I had had enough of that man’s abuse. He had taken my innocence and had tormented me for almost half my life. I had wanted to feel that security I had felt with Lola, but it seemed that I just wasn’t strong enough. I really thought my mother would have taken my side, but as I glanced back and noticed the way she cared for her husband I had guessed wrong.
I walked with no real place in mind. I needed to feel that security. I needed to feel safe. I needed to feel the support of someone. I walked up the steps and looked up to see Memo’s front door. I rang the door bell and waited. It was already dark outside but it wasn’t that late. I just hoped that Memo would be home. I needed that loving Memo I had seen today at the school’s parking lot. I needed the safety, the love, and most importantly I needed to not feel dirty anymore. When the door opened, Memo was in his basketball shorts and t-shirt. He seemed surprised to see me and I tried to smile a bit.
“Bee, what are you doing here?” He opened the door wider to let me in.
I shrugged, “I wanted to surprise you.” I lied. Memo smiled and I felt my heart throb inside my chest. There’s the loving guy I fell for.
“Well, I love surprises,” he said as he leaned down and kissed me softly. He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards his bedroom.
“I was playing video games when you rang the bell,” Memo said as he closed the door behind him and proceeded to sit on the rug in front of the T.V.
I dropped my backpack and looked around his room. It resembled a normal guy’s room with posters of cars, sports’ teams, and trophies. I sat on the bed and looked at him as he played his game. As I sat there I remembered my mother’s words, Raul’s actions, and the safety Lola had given me. It hadn’t been enough to face my fears, I thought as I looked at Memo. I stood up from the bed and knelt behind him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I trailed kisses on his neck and bit his shoulder, caressing his strong arms with my hands.
“Bee, stop teasing,” he said as he tried to get away from my kisses.
“I’m not,” I whispered in his ear and nipped his earlobe. Memo pulled me onto his lap and I straddled it, placing my legs to the sides. He dropped the controller and kissed me hard. His fingers caressed my lower back and I leaned more into him.
“Make me feel loved, Memo,” I whispered as Memo attacked my neck with bites and kisses, throwing my head back and closing my eyes to the world.