"You don't get it, do you? Society nods its head at any horror the American teenager can think upon itself. Nobody is going to care about exact handwriting on a suicide note." ~ J.D. from Heathers.
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After another long lazy lunch on Devil-May-Care Island my next class is US Govt with Drone Strike, or Striker for short. It's only the third day of real"classing" and I'm already hating the Government hardcore. For all the obvious reasons and a few that are individually irritating to me personally. First and foremost, this class comes after a nice long lunch with May. And no thanks to Captain Midnight's running of the freshmeat flocks in the morning on time, I am already tired, full, and ready for a nap. And as if all that wasn't already enough put me down for a little timout? Striker is boring as all Hell, as he softly sings me to sleep.
This is History, and he is gonna tell His Story his way, as humanly slow as possible. The mind-numbingly painful attention to detail as he drones out the ancient American history stuff, word for painful word, in excruciatingly agonizing articulation is literally killing me. Like sitting in this class, I can actually watch the remaining minutes of my life just evaporating away, right before my daydreamy vision. But instead of drifting slowly away to a better place, I decide to do something useful with what's rest of my life. Try to think through the latest turn in our talking topics on Devil May Care Island lunches.
After what feels like several lifetimes later, I am still eternally entombed in history, when suddenly Striker pauses in his dreamy droning. We are halfway into the grave when he flips the next page in his tome over and suddenly stops talking. Only to discover a full centerfold spread of G. Wash paddling out on a surf safari to the Jersey Shore for Christmas Vaycay circa 1776. The picture placement of this particular piece of propaganda seems to momentarily distract him from serenading us to sleep. Not only has he's lost his last sentence strand, but now he has to flip back a page and start his sirens song all over again. Then in a slight of hand, deftly flip-read-flip-flip past the propaganda to the end of the last thought, so as to keep reading onward to page 17 of the first chapter. But to Striker's deadly credit he is finally able to string together this sonata, Then he continues crooning towards the next crescendo, slaying us softly with his sirens song.
And all I can think of this is ...thank the stars we finally finished the introduction movement to this the slow march towards 'Merica's Manifesto just yesterday. Which of course is right about time for me face my own destiny, as I receive my first death threat of the new school year.
The memento mori message meant for me flies through the half-open backdoor via leatherhead named Boomer, coning around the halls of Hell on a free pee pass. Boom deftly drops the death threat kite onto Not'to'hot Nicole in the prime corner spot in the back. Who Boom banged on a dare at a victory party last year, and once more again a month later because he was bored and wasn't looking for a challenge. Not'too'hot Nicole reads the name on the kite and shrugs it off over to a Not'got no-name boy, who really wants to ask her out sometime, but is afraid that she will laugh at him. Which she absolutely will, because he's a Not'got kid, and she will never go Dutch again. As that is another one of low self-esteem issues that her last therapist told her she's got. So Not'got who doesn't know who "Deens" is gives the note to Adam, formerly of Adam and Steve. Because Adam makes it his business to be in the know, and knows everyone and everything worth knowing.
So Adam takes a chance and slides it over to Guys Mike. The super skinny Jeans guy from Orsir's English, who Adam would very much like to hook up with again on the sligh. But Guy's Mike is in the midst of his own dramada with a grim girl he once burned to crisp, but is now rising up like a phoenix from the ashes looking to burn him back. So Guys Mike reads the note because he thinks it must be his, but because it's not the first after-school skinny swimming pool party invite that he's received and ignored from Adam, formerly of Adam and Steve.
Guy's Mike glances up from the droning to see that Striker is well immersed now into his stirring rendition of the Ode to Merica's Manifesto Destiny. Guys Mike does kinda know who "Deens" is, but doesn't talk to him because he thinks he might be cool with The Butcher Boy. But as he is already bored to death with History, he decides to add a few of his own afterthoughts to the death threat. Probably because this is the most interesting thing happening in history so far, besides the suicidal plants and killer pee pass kids.
It's always amazing to me, what a little kite can see when you fly it through the back door of History. So with that said, the death threat is finally dropped onto my desk, interrupting my mental surfing session off the outer reef of Devil May Care Island.
I frown down at this first kite addressed to "New Guy Deens", with it's suspiciously misspelled bold blocky script.
NEW GUY DEENS-
U AND ME NEED TO SETTEL SOME SHIT AFTER SHCOOL. MEAT ME AT DA FROST AT 330 - AND DONT RUN - OR EVERY BODY WILL KNOW.
F.U.
BUTCH B. #69
I peer curiously down at the almost legible death threat from the "shcool" sociopath. Trying to parse out how is it that we have come to have "SHIT" that requires a settlement parlay at "Da Frost"...wherever the hell that is at? Personally, I'm guessing that it could be any number of the things that swirl around the polluted pond that is any high school everywhere. But without a clue otherwise, I just shrug it off into the category of "Probably just because it had to be that way".
Maybe just because I'm new and he's The Butcher? Ergo he needs to know, that I know, that he's The Butcher? But thanks in no small part to May's insights, it's become increasingly clear to me that Butchy Barnes is the local loco psycho title holder in this asylum. So if you're looking to take a shot at the Greater Insanistani Shit Settling title, The Butcher is obviously the local champ.
The big question is can I take the monstrosity known as The Butcher? Yeah, maybe on a good day, from behind in a dark narrow with the ol' ancestral baseball bat in hand. But I really have to ask myself, do I even want a shot at the local loco title? Honestly, there is a dark part of me that does want that title shot, just to set the record straight in San Fall. Cause I know full well that if we were back home in Sunset? I would definitely want a go at breaking that thick brick headed all American frat boy face at some point. Just not the first-day fight, but maybe the third or fourth fight of the year? After I get a couple warm-up bouts in under my belt, work out, train hard, and eat right for a month or two? But here and now in San Fall? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that this is not going to end well ...for me.
"No bro, you can do it! You just have to draw first blood fast! Remember to go for the eyes. No matter if they're big or small, short or tall. If they can't see you coming ...you beat them to blood and bones all day long! And then we get can all go home!" The chorus of dark voices start savagely screaming their sage secrets in my mind. And as much as I hate to admit this ...the voices in my head can be really unhelpful sometimes, as they share all their ancient Insanistani war wisdom. But then our wardroom strategy session in my head is rudely interrupted from another "love note" from another.
New Guy Deens?
So sorry I went ahead and read your little love note from The Butcher Boy. WTF did you do to him ...math? Gawd damn, I am sofa king bored with this yay 'Merica bull Shiite propaganda blah blah blah spewing out from the Angel of Death's more boring brother. Anyways ...in case you were wondering the answer is ...RUN!
Seriously guy and with all due respect, take some advice from someone who has had a lot of run in's with Butcher over the years ...and fuq'in RUN! Trust me no one in Hell will think any less of you. Because everyone knows that The Butcher likes to hurt people ...a lot. And I don't just mean on the football field either, I mean everywhere. It's like his twist ...if you get my drift?
So for God sake's don't let him start a fight with you at The Frost. Usually, if you can just avoid him for a week or two, he might forget about you completely and find someone else to get pissed off at. Which trust me, he will always find the next someone to hate.
Also, the best time to apologize to him for whatever you've done to piss him off, is the Monday morning after a big football win. When he's generally oblivious and/or too hungover from all the after partying all weekend long, to remember why he wants to kill you. FYI The Butcher has a hard time remembering why he hates you after a while and will just let it go by ignoring you. It's another one of his many "dam bramage" things. Unless you're me of course ...then he knows exactly why he hates you. Oh, and never ever talk to him after they lost a game ...not unless you don't like your face the way it is.
RY: Respectfully yours,
Mike T-
In some ways, Guys Mike's little love note is actually a lot harder for me to comprehend than Butcher's death threat. I can overlook Butchy for not spelling my name correctly a lot easier than I can overlook this guy for signing off with "Respectfully yours". I mean seriously who the hell does that in high school, and doesn't expect RY: to be taken the wrong way? But then I remember what May said about the Others being friendlier to her, and by the looks of it, this guy is pretty Otherwise. So I just chalk his respect up as another Other thing. Like maybe this Mike guy is just really into proper penmanship stuff, as part of his Other side?
I can clearly see exactly why this Mike guy would be a natural target for an obviously homophobic football bullyboy like Butchy. He just seems a little too fashionable and stylish to survive high school. Not to mention this guy pridefully adorns every one of his scholastic accouterments with what kids at my old school referred to as "fag bag tags" leitmotif. From the sparkling prism pride notebook, right down to his multi-color matching rainbow unicorn pen and pencil set. All of which is out in the open for the whole world to see.
But the dead give away is Otherwise engaged is his obvious obsession with Sal Mineo. Just judging from his iconic "New Adam" lunch pale, with Sal's private parts barely pixellated to blurry. I can merely speculate that this homage must have cost more than a few pretty pennies on the Pals of Sal retro scene, and pretty much seals the Other deal.
So of course, I feel obligated to write him back a nice thank you note of my own back at him. Thus opening the most illuminating correspondence since the Declaration of Independence. Something that apparently Striker is now going to read to us word for word in its patriotic entirety.
Mike T-
Thanks for the thoughts, but I don't run. It's a me "thing". Do you know where "Da Frost" is at? Like from here to there? Also...do you know May Grimm?
D-
One glance up at Drone Strike and see that he is well immersed into his stirring rendition of the "No Mas Por Favor Manifesto" on the Old English for their manly teabag loving ways. So I fly the kite back sideways on Mike, and watch him nod along while reading and then begin to write back again. Right about the time Striker has really worked himself up into a lather over early Americana's revolutionary revulsion regarding the Old English penchant for "invading manly firmness" on other folks against their will. I get another kite blown back at me from my new Pal of Sal pen pal.
D-
Okay, your funeral guy. "Da Frost" Butchy is telling you to meet him at is the Frost & Freeze, off Vine at the corner of 10th in the "bad part" of town. And by "bad part" I mean because the all the "delinquents" hang about at Da Frost ...if you see where I am going with that? The Raisins hate that place with a Wrath, just because it draws "that sort of young delinquent element". So watch out for the swine rolling past. And a bunch of kids chanting "fight-fight-fight" @ 330 on a school day? Please ...that the same as shooting up a flare for the local swine squad. Just to see what all the "flocking kids" are in a tizzy over at Da Frost.
But if you are seriously committed to this insanity, there are plenty ...and I do mean plen-T of Other "hook up/lookout" spots back in the back hills above the park. That would do nicely for you two to wrestle around in the mud ...if that's your twist.
Hell, I might go to that just to see Butcher look uncomfortable with me watching him have a "BoyxBoy wrastling"match. But then again, he might kick my ass instead of yours, just for being there "looking at him wrong". And trust me, the last two years with that psycho in school was bad enough. Cause I've had about all of him and his Cromag friends for two lifetimes. So for what it's worth I hope that helps. Oh and make sure you have a ride to somewhere afterwards ...like to the Emergency Room? (Not kidding.)
And yes I know Maybe. Her parents belong to the same country club as my Grandmamma. So we see each other regularly enough to have had a few conversations now and again. Why do you ask???
Ry: -M.T.
Just a glance at Guys Mike note lets me know that "Da Frost" is exactly my kind of cool. I am wondering how I've missed out on this spot to hang my crown, and look for a little more local misadventure when the death wish takes me away. Looking over my mental map of Death Valley, Da Frost sounds about a mile and half from here give or take. While I am not very familiar with the exact part of San Fall? I do recall rolling past a mini-mart park lot or two, going from here and there with my own Blazing Raisin, while running various bran collecting missions with Aces.
MT-
Thanks for the heads up on swine situation at Da Frost, and the kind offer to hitch a ride to the hospital later.
And I asked you about May, cause know her a little bit. And don't take this the wrong way ...but is there a not weird way to ask you what aftershave do you wear? May said that you wore something "scent friendlier" that smelled better than normal? So I was wondering what that was? I know that's a seriously strange question from the weird "New guy" right? But the reason I am asking is that I usually eat lunch with May ...and she said because I am in the pool a lot lately I smell like ass dipped in bleach. But not as bad as other guys, but still not cool. If that makes any sense?
D-
Sitting diagonally behind Guy Mike, I can see him read through the note. Then shift to the side and side eye back at me with a furtive frown. So after a deep breath cleansing breath and a seriously slow head shake, this guy starts scrawling out a blazing novel of a note.
A-
Okay...so "Don't take this the wrong way?" Seriously guy? Just about everything you said after "Don't take this the wrong way" could be taken in the way wrong way. Starting with "Smelled better than Normal". A Normal what? And smelled like "ass and bleach"? Shiite I won't even touch that one with Butcher's shrunken roid rage little baby brain. And when you say "other guys" and I say "Other Guys" are we talking about the same "The Other Guys"? Or are you just sorta super new to San Fall, and have no idea what the local lingo is Otherwise?
Cause I know at least two girls in English class alone, that are going to be somewhat disappointed, if you turn "Out" to be one of "The Other Guys" ...if you get my drift?
So I have to ask ...are you trying to get in good with Maybe to get a shot at her sister? Because if that's your big Evil Master Plan? I can almost totally assure you're going about that in the worst way possible. Cause FYI April has already been asking around about "New Guy Dean". So you should probably skip the sister dramada and just get to the point. Cause if you're playing with May like that to get to April? That's sorta cold and very very not nice.
:(
MT-
I almost choke trying not to laugh outloud about the mixed metaphor mix-up. Not to mention, what May will say about how badly this exchange has gone for me, when I tell her all the sordid details. Right up until I get the last part, regarding hooking up with April, which is seriously not cool at all. Cause the only interest I have in asking Ape anything about is directions to the nearest Fake Bitches'R'Us store. Where she bought that discount personality skinsuit she's been wearing around like real person since I met her. And I already have enough on my 'Settle Shit Schedule' with Butchy to deal with, without adding any more of Apes shit to the to-do list. So now it's my turn to write a novel.
MT-
I'm cool with May, because May is cool to me. And I got nothing to do with Little Ape's at all, other than "Hi-Bye". So I have no idea why April is asking around about me to anyone around here? Seeing the only people I know around San Fall are Maybe ...and now Butcher? And I know I am new here, but what makes that Cheerio think she is such hot shit in this zoo? Cause from where I'm sitting she just looks like nothing more than another a fake ass little wannabe witch, with an attitude adjustment problem over having Maybe as her sister. Which between you and me ...of the two Grimm sisters, May is ten times cool over Ape's massive "me'me'me" malfunction.
And while we are at it ...WTF is up with the whole Jockstraps and Fear'leaders rule the roost thing going on around here in Hell? At my old school, all that "popular people" bullshit was dead and done about a decade ago. We moved on along into real people problems, not this played out old story from a Saved by the Degrassi marathon.
And yes ...I guess I am really lost in the local lingo for surez. Hell, I only just started saying San Fall instead of San Fallcon last week, thanks to May. And no offense to anyone "Otherwise" but not a Pal of Sal's ...if you get my drift? But not a hater either. Don't ask, don't tell? ...but my version is more 'Don't know, Don't care'. As in I do not care to know anything at all about anyone. Or what they do on they're own time, with their own kind. But I am not down with hating on anyone because of who they like to love, cause clearly I got plenty of better things of my own to hate on than that particular parade. So sorry if anything I said came out wrong ...that's mah bad for mixing metaphors.
So I hope you "don't take this the wrong way" either ...but May told me The Other's around here were more decent to her that most. And I'm sorry to hear that you had your issues with Butchy and the boys. I'll try to give him a nice boot kiss to the face for you ...if I get the chance?
D-
Now its Guy Mikes turn to almost choking to death trying not to laugh outloud. He turns bright red and even starts hiccuping like a squeaky chipmunk, until Striker finally stops droning long enough to frown down.
"Mr. De'Levine are you having a problem?" Striker drones dryly.
"Hick...Ups? Auga?" He reaches into his stylish satchel and pulls out a Fu-Fu water bottle to show Striker. Striker merely shrugs and then goes right back to droning on about how bad the Beatles really were for the American Indigians. After what seems an eternity hearing the long list of issues about why we revolted from the Old English, class is almost over when the last kite of the day lands on my desk.
D-
First...Good luck today! And do I dare ask WTF is a "boot kiss to the face" is? And as far April being 'hot shit in this zoo'? That's easy. Because she's a cutesy rich Queen B, that's got the all the little Freshmeat Fearleaders on lockdown since Cheerio camp this summer. She also never dates down, so lots of upper-class guys want to take a shot at her. And of course, all that goes to her head big time. So what's not to like, right? And by "rich" I mean like old money wealth, not San Fall nouveau riche.
But you didn't hear any of that from me, ok? Cause I've already had my own fair share of Ape'shit moments over the years to last a lifetime. And even though she is currently being nice to me because she is Freshmeat? I know her well enough to know that probably won't last too much longer.
Now, as far as Maybe goes, you're right she is cool ...sometimes? So I say this with all due respect to May, but she can be a little "difficult" at times. And I don't mean just because of the obvious blind thing. I mean that May has a tendency to ...how do I say this nicely? Completely shut everyone out for no reason, like for months, and years even? So take my word for it, blind or not ...Maybe is one tough twist. So don't be surprised if one day she just shuts you out for no reason at all.
When we were younger, May was always tracked into Special Ed all the way until junior high school. So I never really saw her outside of the country club circuit, and even that was rarely. But freshman year she was in a couple of my classes and she was pretty social for the first couple of months. Then one day she just stopped talking ...for like the entire rest of the year. I mean in class she would only answer a direct question from the teachers. But other than "yes, no and I don't know" ...not a huge conversationalist.
Towards the end of last year she was a little bit better, but only in terms of being more "assertive". Which is just a nice way to say a little bitchy when she didn't get her way on something, or if someone got in her way. Which when you think about it sounds about right. Anyways ...I just can't say everything in words I think is going wrong with how Maybe goes about getting along. Cause I don't know ...it just feels way to much like picking on her and that's just way too mean, even for me.
The other thing that is sorta strange with her ... is since the middle of freshmen year May used to hide out in the 'special' restroom at the end of D hall all by herself. Last year, I heard from my senior sister, that she'd just sit in their all the time when she could get away with it. Before school, after school, and during school...she would just sit in there, not talking to anyone, just tapping her stick on the tile floor for hours? I heard she even ate her lunch in the bathroom, every day.
Maybe having April here with her will change things for the better? But then again maybe not? Which is something else strange about the Grimm sisters? In the country club kids scene those two were always thick as thieves. But at school, they act like the other doesn't exist, save to irritate. Which is very strange, to say the least ...even for them.
RY:MT-
O..PS/FYI - One last thing ...The Grimm Girls are some seriously twisty sisters. Bone that ...so watch your back.
This last part gives me pause because there is something in that "Been there done that" sign off at the end that is lost on me. Hell's bells finally save us just in time from learning G.Wash's fate at the hands of evil English overlords, after the Winter of his Discontent at Forge Valley.
"Don't forget to give Butchy and extra boot kiss for me?" Guys Mike snarks on the way out the aisle towards freedom.
"Consider it payment in full for all the FYI's." I smirk back.
"Done deal. And good luck at the Frost today ...you're gonna need all you can get." His smirk evaporates as he pauses out in the hallway. "And I wasn't kidding about the ride to the hospital thing. I might stop by if I can get away ...but seriously make some solid aftermath arrangements for yourself."
"That would be cool of you to do, but I won't hold you to it." I nod him off and I let this dog slip away into the fog of war. Because now I am fully focused on the battle before me with The Butcher.
Maybe for the first time since I started school here in Hell, I actually feel like I am in high school again. The comforting sense that I am finally back at a real school with real rules once more. This fight I am facing has finally woken me up to the age-old reality. That school is for getting an exciting education and learning new skills, just not the sort of lessons found in classroom walls. But in the hostile halls and cool spots like 'Da Frost'. However there is a huge downside of all this renewed positivism. Because of all the damn demons in Hell, it just had to be The Butcher for my first fight. No time to train, no undercard fights to warm up to, just start right at the top of the flock with the local loco title fight.
"Flock it, why not?" I sigh with a savage smile.
"There ya go kid, it's kill or be killed! Ride or Die, Devil!" The dark voices in my head start laughing along.
So after my day in Hell is at an end, let's fly down to Da Frost real fast and see what's what with today's special. Da Beats with The Butcher Boy. After all what could possible go wrong with running into this fight ...instead of away from it?