I dropped Scott and Maggie off at her small town house, where he would be spending the night and then drove Hazel and I back to mine where Ben and Daisy were both already waiting for us in the driveway. The moment I stepped out my car, I could feel how thick with tension the air was and judging by the steely look on both their faces, they had had some kind of argument or disagreement on the journey home.
I opened my front door and everyone piled in, making their own way to the sitting room without needing me to guide them. I shouted up the stairs to Mum that we were home and went to join my friends in living room. Ben and Daisy were sat at opposite ends of the sofa and their bodies were turned sharply away from each other.
What the hell happened in the car?
I put a movie on but I knew noone was really focused on it; we were all just pretending to be deeply engrossed so we didn’t have to confront the unease that was ripe all around us, from whatever had gone down between the two. When the film was over, Hazel hurriedly made her excuses and left and I was alone between the two disputing lovers. Not my dream position I had to admit.
Everyone was meant to be sleeping over tonight but somehow it had ended up this twisted threesome, where I felt like an intruder in my own home. I needed to get out of there and so I made my own excuses and went up to shower.
I turned on the water, leaving it to run hot, as I discarded my damp clothes into the washing basket. I stepped inside the shower, gasping at the sudden sensation of heat on my skin.
Then I let the water immerse me, like I had done in the sea. I showered off the salt water and the sand and then the dirtiness I felt, knowing Daisy knew and then the shame I felt, for what I had said to Ben.
How could I have been such an idiot? How could I have just come out with it like that?
I didn’t even think it was true!
But it was... Fuck.
I was in love with Ben.
But how could I be in love with him? He wasn’t even mine. He never really ever had been.
How did I let this happen?
How did I let things get this far?
I should have never...
What should I have never done?
Was there time to go back through all the mistakes of the past year and correct every one where I had fallen that little bit deeper into loving Ben?
I wouldn’t. I knew I wouldn’t. Even knowing that this acknowledgement of my feelings was now going to consume me and kill me everyday little by little; chipping away at my existence. Knowing that it would be a constant reminder that I had given my heart to someone who wasn’t going to accept it – I wouldn’t have traded this emotion for the world.
I understood why they called it falling in love now. It’s because you don’t choose to fall. It just happens, you’re tripped, you stumble or maybe you are even blown over by a strong gust of wind that knocks you flat on your face. You don’t decide to fall... I wish you could control who you fall in love with but honestly, I think the outcome would have been the same. I’d of still chosen Ben. Because yes, he wouldn’t love me back, but to love Ben is like a force I’ve never known before. It’s like a reality better than my dreams.
Only that is silly. Because this is reality and in reality emotions take a back seat to hard fact, and in this reality; the hard fact is: I’m on my own here.
My skin was raw pink and I felt like I’d scrubbed every inch of my naked body possible to prolong the shower. To prolong the imminent moment from coming, where I would have to go back downstairs and sit like everything was normal, with the guy I loved and his dying girlfriend. I turned off the faucet and wrapped my big fluffy towel around myself, breathing in the still present aroma of jasmine and camomile from my shampoo. The touch and smell was comforting and I sat on the side of the bath for a moment; just thinking.
It’s all I seemed to do now. Think.
I thought until it felt like my brain could implode.
I made my way to my room and put on some clean underwear. I found a big baggy top and threw on some sweatpants. I brushed through my hair, before piling it lazily into a wet top knot, knowing and not caring, that in the morning it would be a nightmare to control. I looked such a slob but I failed to care. Mr and Mrs Sulk downstairs wouldn’t care what I looked like. They didn’t seem like they cared much about anything tonight.
I considered what they could have been arguing about. I considered if it would have had anything to do with me... With the confession... With Daisy’s admission... Those thoughts made me more uncomfortable and I considered the outcome if there was a sudden confrontation when we were all downstairs again.
Fuck.
How had I let this go on for seven months?
Had it really been that long? Had I honestly known Ben now for over half a year?
It didn’t feel real. It was like the past year had flown by and not stopped to let me keep up or to question my decisions. I hadn’t had time to decide if I wanted to be in love with Ben.
Life.
But then a sudden epiphany was also clear to me. As clear as anything else in my mind... I hadn’t realised the time go so fast because I had been living my life. I wasn’t merely standing on the outside looking in, observing my life like a passerby as I watched the world go on, contemplating if this was all there was. I was in the driver’s seat for once and I had decided my path and choices. There had been so much hurt but there had also been joy too. The big things might have ended badly but the little moments were great... And in the end it’s the little moments that matter, right?
I went back down the stairs and saw them before they saw me. They were together on the sofa again now. He was crying and so was she and they were embracing so tightly it was like the other was going to evaporate if not under this constant hold. They were so in love. But I was in love too...
I guess you don’t truly know love until you watch the one you love, love someone else and this was what was happening right now as I watched how he drew away and looked deep into her eyes. But if you love someone truly, you let them go. And that was what I had to do now. I had to let him go.
I didn’t want to storm in and intrude their moment and so I coughed loudly from outside, clearing my throat, allowing them time to pull apart and wipe their eyes before I came through the door. They both looked at me, they were staring hard but I couldn’t read their faces, their tears were making them unreadable.
Daisy beckoned me to sit by her on the sofa and I did. Tonight I’d do anything she asked of me.
“Thanks for letting me stay tonight Lucy; it’s really kind of you. I had a great day at the beach.” And then she hugged me.
She hugged me firmly but it felt like feathers around my body. I hugged her back, a sense of confusion at the back of my mind. The hug seemed to go far deeper than just for giving her a bed for the night and a trip to the seaside.
Was she just trying to further evoke the guilt that was already encrusted into my soul?
“I’m going to go to bed now... Goodnight...” Daisy stood to leave the room, turning around once she reached the door and giving us a little wave, before a faint smile crossed her lips and she headed up the stairs.
The room was silent but for my heartbeat which was thumping to its own jungle drum that I was sure magnified around the room.
I didn’t turn around but stood up to go, “Well it’s getting late so I think I’m going to-”
“NO!”
I gasped as I felt my hand being firmly grabbed from behind and I turned to see Ben looking at me from the sofa imploringly. “No... Please... Just stay for a little bit longer... Please...”
I hesitantly sat slowly back down, never taking my eyes off of him; I still couldn’t read his face.
“We need to talk about earlier, when you said-”
I felt myself flush, “There’s nothing to talk about I-”
I went to stand back up again but Ben’s hand, which he pressed lightly onto my legs, was enough to paralyse my limbs so I could not move.
“Lucy...Just let me speak, ok?”
I nodded slowly. I wanted to be sick. I wanted to cry. I wanted to do anything I could to relieve the knots inside my stomach.
He took his hand off my legs and it found its way nervously instead, to my own hand. He took it in his and lightly brushed his fingertips over my skin, letting out a little laugh as he gazed down at our suddenly entwined fingers. All my breath left my lungs.
“You know, when I was a kid... Before I became the horror from hell, I had this crush on my school teacher. I was a five-year-old boy and was convinced I was insanely in love with Mrs Brown... I went home one night and I sat down next to my Dad and told him I needed his help. I asked what you did when you thought you were in love with someone. He suddenly went really serious and – erm – he said you give them a gift.”
He cleared his throat but still didn’t look up to meet my gaze; he just kept his eyes on our hands. I didn’t move. I didn’t even flinch.
“So, I asked if one of my toy cars would be a good gift and he... He put his hand on my shoulder and he said, ‘Son, when you’re in love with a person you give them a far greater gift; you give them a piece of your heart”, I told him I’d rather get the car.”
He laughed now and then finally, he looked up to meet my eyes. I wasn’t ready for their force and I could feel my own eyes becoming moist, then I felt the dampness on my cheeks.
Why was I crying?
“It wasn’t till I met Daisy that I got what my Dad meant. I gave a piece of myself to her because I loved her and I can’t get that back, I know I can’t. But what my Dad didn’t tell me was that there are times, unexplainable times, that mean your heart isn’t just going to belong to one person. He didn’t prepare me for what happens when there is someone that deserves your gift but you’ve already given it away to someone else.”
What was he saying? What was he trying to say?
He brushed away the tears on my face with his fingertips before taking both of my hands in his.
“You dared me once... You dared me to do the one thing I was the most afraid of doing above anything else.... And I didn’t do it. I didn’t do it because I was scared. I wasn’t doing it because I was a coward. I didn’t do it because I selfishly thought I could keep everybody happy. But I can’t. By being a coward I’m just hurting people I...”
He took a deep breath. What was happening right now? I was crying, the tears were falling freely, silent and inaudible and I didn’t understand why. Did my heart know something was coming that I didn’t?
“So, finally here I am accepting your dare... Lucy Ryder... I need to tell you that I am head-over-heels, one-hundred per cent, ridiculously and stupidly... In love with you.”
“W...What?” The sound of my voice breaking from my throat, finally, was horse and croaked from my tears.
“I said,” Ben broke into a sad but beaming smile that lit up his entire face, “I’m in love with you Lucy Ryder, is that alright with you?”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or smile or hurt but my body took on a mind of its own instead and I flung my arms around his neck and buried my head deep into his chest.
“But what about...?” I said coming back to stare him in the face, my hands on his shoulder so as not to break our contact, as I bit down on my lip. He had just told me he loved me... It didn’t mean anything was going to change.
“I’ll explain tomorrow... But right now, if you don’t say what you said earlier was the truth and kiss me this instant, I think I might die...”
“Ben O’Shaunessy, I am head-over-heels, one-hundred per cent, ridiculously and stupidly in love with you, too!”
And then I kissed him. And he kissed me back. I tasted his salty tears and I felt my heart soar higher and higher as it slowly began to comprehend this was finally happening. I loved a boy who loved me back. Only it wasn’t just a boy – it was Ben.
Maybe if I hadn’t been so absorbed in the boy I loved I would have heard the footsteps outside the door. Maybe if I hadn’t been so absorbed in the boy I loved I would have seen the pale girl in the shadows. Maybe if I hadn’t been so absorbed in the boy I loved I would have sensed a heart breaking where mine was fit to burst.
Maybe if I hadn’t been so absorbed in the boy I loved I would have thought about Daisy.
***
I hadn’t slept at all that night. I just kept tossing and turning in my bed replaying the moment Ben had told me he loved me over and over in my mind.
Was it legal to be this happy?
I was unsure what the situation was with Daisy still. I could have sworn someone was watching us last night but that might have just been my own paranoia and I pushed the thought from my mind.
I walked quietly down the stairs, as I still heard loud snores coming from inside my Mum’s room. I went into the sitting room and smiled, as I saw Ben still sleeping on the couch. I decided not to wake him either and instead went into the kitchen and flicked on the kettle to make myself some strong coffee. A part of me was relieved Daisy wasn’t awake yet either, I didn’t think I could ever look her in the eye again.
Coward.
“Something smells good...” I smiled and glanced around to see Ben behind me, his hair stuck up in random directions which looked ridiculously sexy.
He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before shrugging apologetically and pointing upwards to where Daisy would still be sleeping and I understood. It wasn’t right whilst she was still in the house.
God I felt sick.
“You want one? And how did you sleep?”
He sat down at one of the high chairs around the island and put his head in his hands and yawned, “Awful, so yes, I would love one...”
I felt a tingle down my spine as I heard the word love. It wasn’t even directed at me this time but just hearing it spoken in Ben’s voice brought back the similar rush I had gotten when it had been.
I place a mug in front of him and sat down beside him, as we sipped the hot coffee in silence. It was then I spotted something.
I noticed my name on the little piece of file paper before I registered that Ben’s name was also on there too. I reached over for it and the sinking feeling dropped like an anchor in my stomach, before I’d even enfolded it. The small, neat scribbled handwriting bore no more than a couple of sentences.
“You’re going to make a really good couple. Please, don’t try and contact me. Respect that I don’t want to hear from either of you again. However, thank you, for everything. D. x”
I read the two lines over and over again as if they were going to suddenly change to read something else... But they didn’t. They just stayed the same.
So it must have been her presence I felt last night.
I was retched.
Ben looked at me quizzically and I handed him the note, expecting it to shatter him. But he just read it, maybe twice, then pursed his lips and nodded before putting the note back down on the counter.
“What - that’s it?” I said angrily and confused, “You’re not even bothered? We have to ring her! We have to make sure she’s-”
“No. We have to do what she wants...” Ben looked defeated and I softened my tone.
“Ben... Why were you guys arguing yesterday?”
Ben looked at me tiredly and sighed, “On the way home she kept trying to get me to admit that I liked you but I wouldn’t, I thought it would kill her, but each time I denied it she was just getting more and more aggravated. But then when you went for your shower, she turned to me with this look... I can’t even explain it... But she asked me again and I couldn’t lie to her... I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. Then she started crying but she was smiling too... It freaked me out and I was waiting for this switch to flip that never did... Then she... told me something and we hugged and then you walked back in and well, you know the rest...”
“What did she tell you?”
“She said... She said, in life we don’t get second chances and why was I choosing something with no future that made me unhappy, instead of picking something with the potential to be great and which clearly did make me happy. She said that I didn’t owe her anything... That was bullshit but she wouldn’t listen to me. She said she knew I loved her... But I wasn’t in love with her anymore. She said that she wanted me to let her go...”
“I’m sorry Ben...”
“What are you sorry for?”
“This...”
And with that I reached forward and planted a tender and loving kiss, firmly on his lips.