I got Chris’ number but after a couple of flirty texts back and forth it fizzled out to nothing more than what it ultimately was. A drunken pull. He was nice, he was funny, he was attractive... He just wasn’t Ben. Equally Ben and I remained frosty with each other. I still wore the bracelet though, I wouldn’t take it off, yet I made sure it was covered with a long sleeved top or jumper whenever I was in his presence. He wouldn’t know how much he occupied my thoughts.
Winter passed and the New Year came; Daisy meanwhile got weaker. The months turned to spring and as the blossom began to bloom pink on the leaves and new life sprouted their leaves from sprigs, the pink of health started to flicker out of Daisy. The sparkle was starting to fade. The light was going out.
I was attending more of her chemo sessions with her now, since Ben had picked up a few extra shifts at the pub; I told myself it was because he felt awkward around me but then I thought not to be so selfish and realise that it was because he found it hard to watch the girl he loved wither away. She went to a hospice to receive treatment instead of hospital now and sometimes spent a night or two there. The place smelt strong of lavender, overpowering and claustrophobic and it became a scent that began to knock me sick whenever it flared through my nostrils in an unsuspecting environment.
The place, ‘Hope Falls’, was surprisingly cheerful however, despite its painfully ironic name. Sunlight streamed in through the glass panelled walls on the East side and the place was vibrant with colour; mainly calming blues and pastel lilacs. It had a large courtyard out to the back too, where its in-house patients could relax, with vast grounds stretching for miles as far as the eye could see. It reminded me very much of the garden’s at the back of the retirement home Gram’s lived in before. Small daisies and dandelions covered the green and there was an abundance of new trees sprouting up around its boarder. I had enquired once about them and discovered to my sadness, that everytime one of their patients died, they planted a tree in remembrance which would live for thousands of years, where they could not.
Everything was pleasant here, the food, the staff, the patients... You wouldn’t think it was a place people go to die when it was so...alive.
Daisy didn’t like me being in the room whilst she was getting treatment and quietly I was glad; fearful as I was, that I would become queasy and be more of a hindrance than help to her. So therefore I had to find other ways of entertaining myself. One day I was strolling around the building, trying to find the ladies room, when I stumbled across the children’s wing that had fast become my favourite place to visit over the weeks. There were currently six children between five and fourteen who occupied the residence and it broke my heart how they remained so full of joy and childish optimism, when they were soon going to... Not that they were all old enough yet to truly understand.
There was one little boy, Jacob, who was five yet had the comical personality of an eighty year old man, with scruffy ginger hair and big bug glasses which magnified his pupils to the size of saucers; he was my favourite. When I walked in, he ran up to me and threw his tiny arms around my legs as he didn’t even come up to my waist.
“Have you drawn me a picture Lucy?” he asked eagerly.
We had been doodling one day and I had ended up sketching him. Since then, every time I came, he requested another picture and I was more than happy to oblige the little boys wishes.
“Actually,” I said, crouching down so that I was level with him, “I thought maybe you could draw me one today...”
“But Lucy, I’m no good at drawing!” he sighed and stuck out his bottom lip which would have been humorous if I knew his little heart wasn’t breaking.
“Nonsense! Come on! Draw me a picture of yourself to keep and I will draw you a.... Dinosaur!” I bargained and when his little face lit up, he hurried to the art table and busily began drawing away.
I was halfway through my own illustration, busily copying an image on the front of a children’s book called “The Land Before Time”, when Jacob announced proudly that he was done. I couldn’t wait to see how he’d represented his vibrant ginger locks.
He came to stand beside me proudly, putting the picture in front of me on the desk. He cupped his head in his hands and leant on the table, his back legs fidgeting. I looked down at his picture and I found no words to formulate as I looked at the chalky image he had drawn. Maybe it was just childish scribbles, but it was so obvious what he had tried to draw from a mile off. I saw the greens and blues circled round and round, the colours swirling messily together, to represent the earth and the many bright white firecrackers in the sky were his stars.
“I drew this because Daddy says I am his whole wide world and Mummy says that one day because I’m so special, I’m going to be a shining star. Do you think that’s true Lucy? Do you think I’m going to be a star one day?”
I felt the lump rise in my throat as I pulled the little boy to me and cuddled him on my lap, “Jacob, I know you’re going to be the brightest star in the whole sky.”
***
“You ready?” Daisy asked from the doorway. She stood slumped and looked awful; god only knows what she had had to go through continuously for the past few hours. She stared around the room tentatively; wringing her hands together and not passing the threshold. It confused me why she would never come in to the children’s ward. Ben has said she was so good with kids and spent most of her time with them when she was in hospital.
Why not now?
“Yeah, let’s go!” I said brightly and grabbed my bag, putting Jacob’s picture carefully inside so as not to crease it, making a mental note to stick it to my wall as soon as I was home. Then, I gave each of the children a cuddle before I planted a light kiss on Jacob’s forehead, as I scooped him up into my arms.
“Will you see me soon again please Lucy?” he asked innocently.
“I hope so Jacob...”
We made our way out to my car and I opened the door for Daisy who collapsed into the seat, shattered as she was. I went around and got into my side, winding down all the windows so the fresh air could circulate, so she wouldn’t catch a bug from the stuffy air which could damage her system further; I finally understood why Ben did it. It was strange; I never rode with the windows fully up now.
“How are you feeling?” I questioned, and then could of kicked myself as she turned to me slowly, arching one of her eyebrows.
“How do you think I feel?”
“I know, sorry... Stupid question.”
“God, no Lucy I’m sorry... You know I just get snappy when I’ve finished chemo... It wasn’t that bad today... I just feel tired and I’m ready to sleep now.”
“Daisy... Can I ask you something?”
She was lay against the car window, leaning out slightly, resting her head on the frame of the door. She simply made a sound which suggested I could continue.
“Why do you never come into the children’s ward?”
She didn’t look at me but averted her gaze down to her lap and closed her eyes momentarily, before bringing them up full force to my face, “Because it hurts. It hurts too much to be around things that I can’t have. Around things, which are no longer mine to have. Around things that remind me, that this isn’t going to go on forever. It hurts.”
I gave her a nod and reached out, tentatively placing my own on top of her frail, bony hands. She turned to look back out of the window and I noticed a small tear roll down her ash white face.
“I think I want to go to the beech this weekend.”
***
My bundle of candy floss was bigger than my head. The six of us were sat on a wall by the edge of the water, lost in our own thoughts, looking out over Brighton Pier. I reached over and stole a soggy chip from my unsuspecting brother who was huddled sharing a paper roll of fish and chips with Maggie; his new girlfriend. Hazel was cuddling a giant teddy she had won on hook-a-duck, whilst Ben was wearing a ‘Kiss Me Quick’ top and Daisy was sporting a pair of ridiculously oversized pink plastic glasses they had bought to get into the tacky spirit. We sure were a sight to the rest of the passers-by - a group of misfits out of the home for a daytrip.
The entire day had flown by in a whirl of amusement rides, seaside food and sandy fun. But we were happy. In this moment, I’d never felt more alive or content with my life.
What was it about the sea that did that to a person? Which made the world seem so vast and full of new and beautiful things to discover? It was a dangerous yet beautiful slice of unspoilt wilderness that gave and took, day in and day out, ever changing; shaping the earth.
“This is perfect.” Daisy stated and I felt she had been lost in a thought that mirrored mine. Ben pulled her into the crook of his arm and like dominoes we all fell onto the others shoulder and gazed out into the distance. If I could take a picture with only my eyes, it would be now; it would be a memory I would treasure forever.
The setting sun from behind was suddenly eclipsed however and we turned to see an elderly couple, hovering over us, looking lost and bewildered.
“Pardon... Parlez-vous français ?’’ The woman asked apologetically, whilst gazing at us emploringly.
‘’Oui ?’’ Hazel spoke out.
“Pouvez-vous m'indiquer le chemin du Pavilion Royal?”
“Allez tout droit et il est à votre gauche.”
“Merci! Au revoir!”
“Au revoir!”
Daisy turned to Hazel dumfounded and I looked shocked but I understood a little clearer than Daisy.
“What was that?” She asked, sounding impressed.
Hazel blushed red, “They were just asking for directions to the Royal Pavilion...”
“But how did you know what to say?” Daisy further probed and although Hazel was turning very pink, it was obvious she also was glowing with pride.
“I took French for A Level. I just think it is a beautiful language and I would love to one day actually visit the place...”
An idea suddenly struck me, “Hazel... Why don’t you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why don’t you actually go to France? You haven’t applied to University but are you really going to be happy working at your Dad’s shop for the next year whilst you decide what you want to do?”
Daisy joined in with me now, ideas alive in her mind, “Yes! Why don’t you do one of those Au Pair projects?”
Hazel suddenly went shy, “I’m not very good with kids...”
“Hm, well have a think about it...” Daisy said, reaching over and giving Hazel’s arm a quick squeeze.
We sat in silence for a moment before Ben called out, “Last one in the water is a stinky Donkey!”
Mature. But challenge accepted!
Ben, Hazel, Maggie and I all jump off the wall and hurtle towards the water. I nearly tripped over myself a couple of times in the process but I reach the water first, feeling its icy touch stinging at my bare ankles. The other’s caught up and began splashing at me; sore losers.
Before I knew it, it had turned into a battle at sea, every man for himself, as we kicked up the water spray, joyfully and blissfully unaware that the moment felt wrong and that two members of our group were just mere onlookers to the scene.
I splashed some water into Ben’s face, his features rose in surprise but then his face crinkled into a smile as the two of us engaged in a one on one water fight till the death, all our tension over the past couple of months dissipating as we became drenched head to toe.
He grabbed me round the waist and I tried to protest, unable to put up much of a fight through my howls of laughter. It really hurt to be this happy.
“No! Let... Let me go!” I squealed.
“Oh no! If I’m going down you’re going down with me!” He gave me a devilish grin and launched himself into the water, dragging me in with him. I was immersed but just as suddenly I burst from the water, screaming at the arctic chill that dripped down my spine.
“I’m going to kill you!” I cursed, wrapping my hands around his neck and pretending to strangle him. He began to play along and acted as if he was slowly starting to die. His face was hilarious. Funny, beautiful, perfect...
I love you.
“What?” his face suddenly became serious and I dropped my hands in shock as I realised I’d just said those three words aloud.
“I... We...” I stammered.
What had I just done? What had I just said?
“Lucy...” His face suddenly became sad.
I looked up then, back at the wall and saw both Scott and Daisy wistfully staring down at us. They were chatting vacantly to each other, the conversation seemed to be serious, but they were too far away to be audible.
Daisy.
“We need to get back.” I said sharply and waded out the water.
I feigned a sudden tiredness to the others and suggested that we make our way home now before it became too dark. Ben looked concerned as we walked back up but I told him it was alright and hurried on ahead.
Why had I just been so stupid? How did I let myself utter those words? ...Love? I don’t do love!
The six of us walked two by two along the narrow lanes back to where mine and Ben’s cars' were parked. I lagged behind and Daisy fell into step besides me. I felt a sudden new tension cloud the air that I wasn’t sure where to pin point its cause.
Probably because I’ve just told your boyfriend – your boyfriend – that I loved him.
The others continued ahead until we were far out of their earshot.
“Are you scared...about dying?” My own bluntness startled me, just as much as my earlier unplanned outburst but Daisy did not seem fazed.
“Yes... And no. It’s complicated. I’ve researched all sorts of theories of what happens when you die and I’ve considered them all. Whether I’ll rise to heaven, whether I’ll be reborn as an animal, whether I’ll just go and there will be...nothing. I think it’s the uncertainty that scares me. The not knowing what happens next. It’s the not knowing whether my existence on this Earth meant anything everlasting, or whether it will continue to be talked of even after I’m gone. I mean, we all want to feel like we meant something. It’s the not knowing that frightens me. Not actually the dying part – you know? But... then I think of the trees they plant at the hospice. It’s more than just a memorial I think. It’s a symbol. Those trees have seen generations of love and loss and hope and heartache and yet they’ve stood strong. Year after year they go through the seasons; the fall comes and they lose their leaves and then the spring comes and they grow new ones. They can let go because they know something great is coming soon, they just have to make it through the winter. That’s how I want to be, I want to be able to let go knowing, that after pain, goodness will follow.”
I didn’t know what to say. What could I say to that? What could I offer which would take away some of the fear she felt? So we were silent.
“I know you know...” Daisy stated bluntly.
I felt my heart rise in my chest, “Know what..?”
“How you feel about each other. Ben is a terrible liar when it comes to his body language, as well as his words.”
“Daisy... I... No... You don’t...” I couldn’t formulate my sentences; my heart had risen to my throat. Had she heard me? She can’t have... We were so far into the water... Oh God.
Daisy gave a little, dry laugh – really she was laughing right now – and then she touched my shoulder hesitantly, turning me towards her and stopping us dead in our tracks. Looking into her eyes was like being burnt in hell by an angel. I was the devil, wrecked with guilt.
“Lucy it’s alright... Yes I was pissed and hurt when I first realised, that episode at Christmas was enough to give the game away for sure. I didn’t get how you could look me in the eye. I won’t lie I’ve thought over and over again about confronting you about it but each time I chickened out. But the longer I left it, the more I thought about it and... I’m over it now... As over it as I can be. It’s kind of to be expected, I guess.” She motioned down at herself and my face felt hot, eyes misting with hurt tears.
She knew. She knew and she wasn’t tearing me to shreds.
I felt like hell itself at this girl’s compassion and acceptance.
“No, Daisy, you don’t understand. He wants you – you’re the one he loves. He doesn’t think of me like that – believe me.” I thought to my recent confession, how he had been shocked, how he had backed off. It had taken him by surprise, it had taken me by surprise too, but his reaction was enough to tell me he didn’t feel the same. “Anyway I wouldn’t act on my feelings, even if I... I...”
I was desperate now. Flapping about whilst Daisy stood calm, only the faintest flicker of sadness visible in her expression.
“If it had to be anyone I’m glad it will be you.”
She gave a long shrug of her shoulders and continued walking ahead, her shining head reflecting the moonlight above, my heart breaking anew.
Jacob might become the brightest star. But you will shine through the whole solar system.