◇ [D E L E T E D **** S C E N E] ◇
• AN: This is the first deleted scene I have added since publishing my 9 other chapters. This isn't necessary to read, and the story will still make complete sense if you skip this and continue onto the next chapter. This is purely so that I can still upload frequently and it just an extra bit of information and story that I left out in the first place. ALSO: PLEASE NOTE THAT IF YOU DO CHOOSE THAT READ THIS SCENE, THERE IS TRIGGERING PARTS TO IT AND I'D RATHER YOU SKIPPED FOR YOUR SAFETY IF YOU TRIGGER EASY. AGAIN, YOU DO NOT NEED TO READ THIS PART FOR THE REST TO MAKE SENSE. THIS IS JUST EXTRA STORY. •
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"I'm 1000% sure I'm pregnant, Alex. I keep throwing up, it's been three months without my period and I just know I am. We need to tell our parents soon so I get get an ultrasound and such, because I'm really worried."
I felt exhausted. Not badly, but enough that I didn't want to move. Or do anything, really.
My stress level had been pretty high. My father was the one who bought my tampons and pads, and I haven't asked for any in three months. I was worried he would get suspicious.
"I know. We'll tell them eventually."
"I need them to know soon. If I calculated this right, and I think I did, I should be almost 11 weeks. I need am ultrasound."
"Fine. Soon. Relax."
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For the next two weeks, Alex seemed on edge and off. I shrugged it off but eventually it got to a boiling point and I decided to bring up telling our parents again.
"Tara, when we tell our parents, you should tell them you don't want to keep it. It'll be easier."
"W-what?"
"I think you should abort the baby."
Tears sprung in my eyes.
"We're both so young Tara, and I don't want to grow up so fast. We're not even finished highschool, honey. And besides that, your mental health is too unstable for a baby, and I don't want to lose you."
I felt hurt. Betrayed. Useless.
"But Alex, you DID this. You PUPOSELY came in me for a year. You waited for this. You agreed to this and you wanted this. Why change your mind?"
"I'm just not ready."
The words stung like a slap to the face.
"Are you fucking serious? After a whole year of us trying and you watching me fall apart over negatives and recurring periods, you decide suddenly, since I'm pregnant, you don't want this? You should have fucking thought about that before you came in me!"
My anger was flaring.
"You could tell them you're pregnant but don't want it, they should be very easy on us."
"Alex even if I was going to go through with this, I would probably fucking need sirgery because I'm too far along."
"Please. Just. We aren't ready."
"Well I am. You knew I wanted this. And now that we have it, you change your mind."
"You can't handle a baby."
Everything he said hurt.
"You want me to kill our daughter that we waited so long to get?"
He was silent.
"How could you want this?"
"I just can't do this."
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The next day, his father picked me up like usual, unaware of what was going on. To make things seem okay, I sat next to Alex in the backseat, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him or let him touch me. Everytime I tried, a lump formed in my throat.
I didn't speak for most of the ride, which Alex knew was odd for me.
By the time we got to his house, I had tears in my eyes and felt worse. I didn't want to be here. This isn't what I want.
We walked through the maze of halls, finally reaching his back room.
"So...do you want something to eat?"
"Sure."
Alex left the room to go get us something to eat, but I knew neither of us would eat it.
As soon as the door closed behind him, I layer back on his bed, pulling my knees to my chest. I felt shaky. I pulled his blanket over my body, my head and curled up more so I was hiding completely under it.
Then I started crying.
And that turned to quiet sobs.
After what felt like forever, the door opened to his room but I couldn't be bothered to hide my crying. Instead, I sobbed more until I couldn't breathe.
"Tara...Tara...shh...shh...it's okay...hey..." Alex quickly shut the door and climbed onto his bed, then proceeded to pull the blanket off of my face. "Kitten..."
I cried more and didn't move.
He pulled me against him and went quiet. "It's okay, I know it hurts honey. Let it out...I know you wanted her, but we just can't have her right now. You'll make a great mommy one day, just not yet."
I sobbed until my lungs couldn't get air, then proceeded to gasp and cry louder. Alex just held me against him and closed his eyes, listening to my cries.
"Please...." I choked out.
"Shh."
"Please...I want her...so bad..."
"I know."
We laid like that for hours. The TV wasn't on, the radio was faintly playing in the background and we just spent the day with him listening to my pain.
After about 3 hours, I managed to calm down enough that I could speak and act like a normal person.
"Can we just...please keep her?" He sat up and I crawled into his lap, placing his hand on my belly. "She loves you. You're her hero and she looks up to you. Can't you just imagine her little hand, reaching onto Daddy's finger? Then she looks up at you and smiles and giggles. Then falls asleep safely in your arms."
A small smile spread onto Alex's lips.
"Just image how cute this bump will be when she's bigger and wiggles." I pressed his hand against my lower belly. "Shell kick for you and you'll get to tell her you love her and she'll recognize your voice right away."
He listened to my words, and I tried my best to butter him up to change his mind.
"We worked so hard for her. She loves you. We made her. She's both of us. She's ours." I kissed his cheek. "I love you. And you love her, you know you do. She probably doesn't look like much, but she loves you and you love her and I love both of you."
His smile came and left throughout my whole pleads.
"Please...can we just keep her? We wanted this for so long and now we have her, and in a year or two we can get married, and I get to graduate early so I can take care of her and you can finish school and we won't have that much school to do before she's here...please..." He sighed a bit. "I have my job, I can pay for her and provide for myself and you could probably stay the night at my house for a weekend every once and a while to take care of her and I have my car and -" I kissed him. "Please? Please change your mind?"
He smiled a tiny bit and looked down at his hand. "Maybe."
"Maybe? Please? She loves you so much already, daddy."
"I know. I love her too."
"Can we please keep her?"
"We'll see."
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I continued pleading my case to him until I had to leave.
Not halfway home though, he messaged me.
"I need a drink."
"What?"
"I just...can't cope with this stress. I need a vice."
My heart sank.
I knew exactly what he was gonna do. He'd only ever did it once before.
He was gonna take all the booze he had saved for us to drink together, and he was gonna drink it all himself.
"Don't,"
"Finished one can. Now onto the other."
I felt heartbroken. Alcohol had always been a sore subject, due to my mother being an alcoholic and leaving me for the bottle.
"Two cans. Now a bottle." I ignored his text. "Finished...now the other."
It'd only been five minutes and he already inhaled what was enough for both of us.
"Done..."
I took a deep breath through my nose, careful to not let my father, who was right beside me driving, notice my odd behavior.
"I'm sorry..."
"You know what Alex? Text me once you've sobered up."
"I'm really sorry..."
I turned my screen saver on and turned my headphones up louder and closed my eyes.
He can't cope? With what? I'm the one with a baby inside of me that I have to kill. I can't even do aytjing to cope. I can't go back to self harm. I can't drink. I don't have any access to drugs. What was there for me? He was being selfish. Besides, he knew he cared. He wouldn't let me drink because he didn't want to hurt his baby.
My phone went off nearly 40 times within the next hour. I knew it was Alex, and I knew by now he was probably really drunk. I didn't want to see it.
I unlocked my phone and sighed, then scrolled through the texts. They were all saying how he wasn't ready, how he's extremely sorry, how he loves me and how I'll make a good mother when the time comes.
I ignored them.
"You get to be piss drunk to cope. I have to kill a child inside of my uterus for you, and what do I get to cope? I don't get to cut. I don't get a drink. I don't get to get high. What do I get?"
"...I guess...I could...give you a full week of cutting with no strings attached if you need it..."
I raised my eyebrow.
"You'd let me cut for a week without getting upset with me?"
"I'd really rather you didn't, but If you need to, then yes."
I bit my lip.
Something about this was making me feel scary.
"No rules?"
"Not too deep and tell me how many you do..."
I could feel myself smiling sickly.
"Sure."
"Please be careful...."
He didn't know what he was saying.
As soon as I got home, I frantically searched my bedroom for the blades I knew I had hidden. The idea was still fresh in my mind, and I didn't know how long the deal would last, but it triggered me too far to be able to think cousiously.
I smiled when i found the cold metal object.
How sweet.
"Please tell me if you do..."
I'd forgotten to reply, but at this point, I didn't care.
2.
I winced. It hurt. I hated it.
10.
It felt good. Why?
30.
It felt so good.
70.
He really shouldn't have let this happen.
100.
It was starting to sting now. How long had it been? A half hour?
130.
My thigh was swollen and burning, but I couldn't stop.
160.
"Babe?...please reply..."
170.
"Baby...did you?..."
200.
"I did."
"...how many?...it's okay..."
"200."
"Oh my god..."
"210."
"Please...Stop...that's enough..."
"I can't."
"No, please, we'll keep her."
I froze.
"What?"
"We'll keep her, I changed my mind."
"Why?"
"Because I can't stand to see you do this, I didn't think you'd do so many...I just want you happy."
"Is that the only reason?"
"I do want her, I was just being immature. Of coarse I need to grow up and get a job and stuff, I'm almost 18."
My eyebrow raised again in curiosity as I read the messages.
"I want to keep her, just please stop."
I pushed the blade away slowly on the bed and stared at my angry leg.
"We still need to tell them."
"And we will. Just please, no more, I'm sober now..."
"You really want her?"
"I really do."
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