The weeks rolled by, the air got crisp and soon Christmas was about to rear its head; and along with Christmas - came my birthday. I’d always hated it as a kid, having a birthday a mere two days before Christmas, because it usually meant that I only got one set of presents. That never seemed fair to me as Tess and Scott – both summer babies – got two. But as I grew older I learnt not to care. The past few in fact had just gone by like any other day. I’d had noone to share them with and my family was barely in the mood for celebrations; hell, we didn’t even have a tree last year.
“So what are we doing for your birthday?” Daisy asked eagerly as she sprawled out across my bed.
“Don’t even bother!” came Hazel’s quick reply.
The three of us were in my room one cold Saturday afternoon, watching a marathon of Christmas films and drinking Hot Chocolate after a busy morning decorating the house with Daisy delegating from the couch. “I tried so hard to get her to do something last year but she was having none of it – she wouldn’t even let me buy her a cake!”
Daisy stared at me open mouthed, “No cake on your birthday? That’s positively criminal!”
I just shrugged. The truth was this year, I thought I might actually like to do something. I guess it wasn’t every day you turned eighteen...
As if reading my thoughts Daisy continued, “No you absolutely have to do something! It isn’t every day you turn eighteen! We’re going on a night out!”
I pretended mock refusal but then relented. A night out though? That sounded... Messy.
“Are you sure you’d be up for that..?” I probed Daisy cautiously. I didn’t want to tread on egg shells with her however there were some things I still didn’t know how to ask bluntly without appearing rude. This was one of those times.
Daisy gave me a disparaging look, “For god sake Lucy! I’ll be fine! I just won’t drink. I’m dying – I’m not dead yet!”
I bit my lip and didn’t probe further; worried I was going to induce greater irritation.
“So that’s settled!” Daisy declared. “So who is coming; you, me, Hazel, Ben, Scott... And Maggie?” I winced at her name, cringing for my brother and not for myself.
“Yeah, what’s going on now there?” Hazel questioned me.
I’d begun to fill her in bit by bit of the missing pieces of my life she had failed to be informed on, over the past few months. I’d delicately approached the subject of Ben and she had been both shocked and disappointed in me – I think she even had an issue with him for a good while – but she’d been a loyal friend and never brought it up again. It did make me feel awkward in situations including just Daisy, Hazel and I however; like there is some private joke not everyone is included in. Maybe I was just thinking too much.
“Eugh.” I began, rolling my eyes and grimacing, “Basically after that night he took her home, they’ve been super awkward with each other. It’s obviously that they like each other but between my brother’s condition making him socially awkward around other people and confronting his emotions without drugs and then the fact she’s ridiculously shy without alcohol in her system, they can’t seem to... Do anything. They’re texting all the time and she comes around sometimes to watch films but it’s uncomfortable to watch them! They just sit side by side, legs on the floor, hands in their laps and flinching every time the other makes a sudden movement, like their a wild animal about to attack. Someone just needs to bang their heads together!”
I really liked Maggie. Despite the fact her and my brother hadn’t done anything about their obvious feelings, she was proving to be really good for him. He was making more effort than ever to clean up his act. Although the further away from drugs he got, the more he began to go back to his old ways. It was milder now, I think he’d had enough life experience to know how to deal more with his behaviours and could control it. The planet obsession was back though; only this time – I didn’t mind it. The stars really are fascinating, if you think about it.
“Well then that’s perfect!” Daisy exclaimed, “We can get them together that night and do a little match making!”
“I don’t know...” I began, “Scott might not want to be in that kind of... environment...”
“Oh shoot... I didn’t think about that” Now Daisy bit her lip, “Let’s ask him anyway – SCOTT!”
Scott strolled lazily into my room, “You yelled?” he teased.
“Next week do you want to come out for Lucy’s birthday...? Maggie will be there.” Scott visibly reddened, it was cute. He contemplated it for a second but then his face fell.
“I’m sorry I just don’t think it’s a great idea for me to be doing that yet... Sorry Lucy.” His face fell and he looked genuinely upset as he walked out the room.
“Well I guess that’s settled that then,” I sighed defeated.
“Yeah...” Daisy countered but her eyes glinted like it was anything but...
***
I slicked on a smear of ruby red lip gloss and touched up my lashes for the millionth time; sighing shakily as I feared for the night ahead. As if on instinct, I fingered at the gold locket around my neck. It had arrived in the post this morning with a postmark stamp from Greece. I had opened it apprehensively, not knowing what it could contain. The delicate royal blue velvet box that held it was exquisite and I knew just by that, that it had probably been ridiculous expensive. The design was simple, a small filigree rose pattern that encased the fastening. I had opened it, expecting it to be empty, but saw instead a picture of my dad, looking much younger and sporting a fashionable moustache, holding a little baby me on the day I was born. There was a note inside the box too; it read:
You may now be a beautiful, young woman, but inside you will always be my baby girl. I love you my darling. Happy 18th Birthday! Dad x
I’d stuck the note to my dresser and this was what I stared at now, as I ran my hands through my loosely curled hair and down my new velvet teal skater dress. Hazel had given me a gorgeous pair of black wedged boots earlier too and I sat down on the bed, putting them on to complete my look.
Finally I felt ready and descended the stairs, only to be met by a devilish smirk from the sofa, “Well don’t you look lovely!” Scott said matter-of-factly and I blushed at his kind words.
“I’m sorry you can’t be there tonight...” I started.
He just shrugged, “Sorry I didn’t buy you a present!”
We laughed as mum called out from the hallway, “Sweetie, your friends are here!”
I went through and opened the door, to which I was bombarded by a huddle of Daisy, Hazel, Ben and Maggie, who all in unison screamed at me, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”
Daisy shoved a gift bag into my hand and Maggie handed me a parcel. Ben gave me a quick hug and Hazel pounced on me as we did a little happy dance together. I was feeling wonderful.
“Open your presents first, then the four of us will go!” Daisy instructed.
“Wait... Four of us?” I questioned and then seemed to take in Maggie’s appearance for the first time. She didn’t look bad, she just wasn’t dressed for going out...
“Yeah...” She began, “I thought I’d stay and keep Scott company... If that’s alright with you?” She asked worriedly, turning to Scott, who was practically the shade of a beetroot by this point.
“Well... I... I mean...” He struggled. “You don’t have... But...”
“He would love to!” I blurted.
God I hoped they weren’t this awkward once we’d gone.
Maggie smiled sheepishly and went to sit next to him, but they both instantly opted for their usual sitting pose. I perched on the edge of the chair and opened Maggie’s parcel first. It was a gorgeous black clutch bag and I loved it. I gave her a hug and emptied the contents of my current faded tan bag into it. Next was Daisy’s gift bag.
“This is from the both of us!” She said placing her hand on Ben’s knee, sending a ripple of jealousy through my core and knocking me sick.
“Thanks...” I said, trying to control the shake in my voice.
No it was my birthday, I wasn’t thinking about Ben tonight.
I reached into the bag and pulled out a brand new set of exquisite paintbrushes and a leather bound canvas sketchbook. I let out an audible squeal as my eyes began to water.
“So you like them then?” Daisy said grinning ear to ear.
“Like them? I love them! This is potentially the most beautiful paintbrush I’ve seen in my life!” I exclaimed, picking up one in particular, that was shaped in such a way I knew it would achieve the effects I had struggled to gain with my usual set.
“Just something to remember us by when you’re off being a famous artist in London!” I smiled at Daisy’s joke, but like it was going to be possible to ever forget the people who had had the biggest impact on my life for the past eighteen years.
“Well, are we ready then?” Ben exclaimed standing up and clapping his hands together.
“Ready as we’ll ever be!”
“My baby...” Mum said, grabbing me into a hug and beginning to cry for the hundredth time that day, “Just be safe – and be home by midnight!” She said with a wink.
We both knew I wouldn’t be home by midnight.
***
“SHOTS!” Daisy screamed, as we perched on the silver bar stools and tipped the vile green liquid back down our throats. What were we on now – six? Seven? I didn’t even remember. I was definitely a little bit more than tipsy by this point.
The irony of the evening was however, Daisy seemed the drunkest of us all, when not a drop had passed her lips. She was merely high on life and riding on clouds invisible to the rest of us; yet the further I drank my way down the vodka bottle, the faster I was joining her.
The evening had been a great success so far. We’d settled on a nightclub called “Cheeky Monkey’s” which was a new venue to have just opened up in the adjoining town. The cocktails flowed and the place was electric; with house music blaring from the speakers and the bodies of a hundred or so guys and girls partying like their lives depended on it.
The only hiccup of the evening was when a man had approached Hazel (who with a little Fairy Godmothering from Daisy, looked exceedingly pretty) and had offered her a drink. She had majorly freaked out and run to the bathroom, locking herself in one of the cubicles. I had managed to coax her out eventually, but it took another good hour to get her to relax again.
Damn Antony and stupid Jason, you always find a way to ruin the good in my life.
The speakers blared as the opening bars of Beyonce’s Single Ladies started up. My eyes widened. I may not have been a massive fan of pop music but this was my jam! I dragged Hazel up to dance and I motioned to Daisy to join us, but she just shook her head. Suddenly she looked very tired.
“You go... I’m just going to sit this one out!”
“I’ll stay with her...” Ben said and another pang of jealously flared up.
Screw it. This was my birthday and I was damn well going to enjoy it! Our nearly kiss the other month wasn’t even a kiss, so I need to just forget about him and there are more than enough replacements in this place!
I strutted out onto the dance floor and although awkward at first, I got Hazel to grind to the music with me.
What is it about clubs that make all girls suddenly think they’re pole dancers?
I allowed myself one look back at our booth. Daisy and Ben were looking at each other, deep in conversation and she was brushing his hair out of his face.
They weren’t even looking!
That was it, I grabbed the nearest guy I could and pulled him to me, before kissing him hard on the lips. The guy responded and I felt his hands tighten around my waist.
This guy wasn’t bad at kissing!
I pulled away and turned to the booth. They were both looking now. Daisy had an open mouthed grin but Ben had adopted a more ‘if looks could kill’ expression.
Ha. That will teach you to screw with my head Ben O’Shaunessy!
I turned back to my mystery kisser whose hands were still around my waist and my eyes widened till I was sure my eyeballs were out of my head.
He was gorgeous! His skin was like chocolate and his eyes a piercing coffee. He was tall too and his black hair was cropped tight against his head. I was momentarily stunned that I had hit such a jackpot with my petty point scoring.
“Urm... Hi?” I offered.
“Hello...” He said grinning and looking apologetically back at his friends, who were grinning and high fiving each other.
We both just stared at each other and laughed awkwardly. I’d never been so forward before, I didn’t know the social protocol of where to take this situation.
“Lucy” I stated offering my hand to shake.
“Chris” he took my hand and I gasped at the firmness of his grip.
Man this guy had to work out.
“Do you want to get a drink?” I said timidly.
“What?”
“I said, do you want to get a drink?”
“Sorry, I can’t hear you, the music’s too loud!”
“I SAID, DO YOU WANT TO GET A DRINK!” Of course, this outburst had to be when the music went quiet and I felt the burn of eyes turn to me and giggle.
Kill me now.
He laughed too and motioned to the bar. We paid for two Vodka Cokes and took them to the booth, where Hazel had now joined Ben and Daisy, who were all sat eagerly waiting to pounce on Chris. I introduced them and when he shook hands with Ben I could feel the tension, as they seemed to size each other up. Chris was an inch taller than Ben but Ben was straining to disguise that.
“So, Chris...” Daisy began, “Tell us about yourself! Need to make sure my friend hasn’t just made out with a psycho killer or something!” I could have strangled her as I felt my cheeks flare.
“Well, not a psycho killer for starters!” Chris chuckled, “Urm, well, I’m twenty-one, just home from Uni for Christmas break. I’m studying Economic at the Central School of Economics down in London and I guess that’s as exciting as my life gets!”
“Lucy is going to study in London next September!” Daisy exclaimed, shooting me a pointed glance, widening her eyes for me to continue the conversation.
“You are?” He said turning to me, the faint flicker of a smile crossing his lips.
“If I get in... I want to study art but I’m a bit of a flop at the more academic subjects, which could hinder my results and the likelihood of me getting in...”
“Of course you’re going to get in! Your canvases are fabulous and you’ve been for the interview already and they love you so stop doubting yourself!” Hazel chimed in and I was momentarily stunned that she had offered up so many words in the presence of a guy she didn’t know.
“Maybe you’ll have to show me your work onetime...” Chris said, giving me a cheeky grin and running his tongue over his bottom lips. I blushed coyly.
Ben, who had not so far engaged in the conversation, now piped up;
“So Chris, Economics? Where do you want to go with that?”
Chris looked sheepish for a second and rubbed the back of his neck, “I don’t know to tell you the truth. I love being at Uni but economics... I don’t see my life revolving around that...”
“Why did you take it then?”
“I was just good at maths and thought it would be fun I guess...”
“You guess? Bit of a waste of your money and the governments don’t you think?”
I shot Ben daggers, as Chris laughed uneasily, “Alright Ben enough of the interrogation!”
“Whatever, I’m going out to get some air.” Ben replied with a bored, vacant tone to his voice as he got up and walked outside.
Daisy gave me a miffed look and I just shrugged my shoulders and tried to match her expression. Inside however I had felt my heart sink.
He didn’t care. He wasn’t bothered.
I sighed defeated and turned to Chris.
“You fancy another dance?”
“I don’t know... Will it live up to the last one?” he said with a wink and I laughed and tapped him playfully on the arm. He took my hand and led me to the dance floor. I slid my arms around his neck and his found their way around my waist, as we grinded to the music; yet I found my thoughts drifting.
Maybe he had been bothered. Had I pushed him too far? Where had he gone? Was he alright?
Focus, Lucy you have a beautiful uncomplicated guy in front of you. Concentrate on that!
But you thought Ben was uncomplicated at first, didn’t you?
Stop gazing at the door and focus. Focus Lucy.
I pulled away from Chris and placed my hand on my head which was now beginning to spin. He looked at me concerned.
“Are you alright?”
“No... I think I’m just going to go and use the ladies then get some water... Will you be alright?”
“Sure, I’ll go back to the guys for a bit! See you later...”
He trailed off but I was no longer listening and I wasn’t heading for the bathroom. I was heading for outside.
He was stood gripping a railing in front of the club, looking out into the distance. He turned when he heard my footsteps, but then turned his head sharply back when he saw me. I took in a breath and went to join him, my steps getting heavier the closer I got.
“What the hell was that back there?” I asked exasperatedly.
“I could ask you the same question.” His voice was stony and cold.
“What? I was talking to a guy. I didn’t realise that was a crime. I’m single; it’s my birthday – what right do you think you have to tell me that’s a problem?” I was frustrated now. He wasn’t going to make me feel bad about this, even if it was killing me to see him so pent up.
“So that kiss wasn’t to make me jealous?”
“No! But what would you care anyway? You have a girlfriend!”
“You think I don’t care? You think it doesn’t feel like a fucking stab in the heart when I see you with another guy? You know why I can’t be with you right now Lucy!”
“”Exactly. So maybe I should be with Chris.” I didn’t mean it. I wanted to reach out and hug him and apologise and make the anger dissipate from his voice. But I couldn’t. I had to stand my ground on this one.
He let out a rough growl and hit the railings before turning to me and looking me dead in the eye, “Yeah, I guess maybe you should.”
With that he turned and began to walk away before stopping and turning to walk back to me.
Was he going to take it back? Was he going to apologise? What was he going to say?
His face still displayed a seething anger and I could tell he wasn’t turning to make up for the past five minutes. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled something out. He stopped a few meters away from me and stared down at the thing in his hand.
“I debated whether to give this to you or not. But whatever, I don’t care. Happy fucking Birthday Lucy. I hope it was everything you wanted... Tell Daisy I’ve gone home and I’ll call her in the morning.” His voice was drained and emotionless as he chucked whatever was in his hands haphazardly at me and I scrambled to catch it.
I watched him disappear off into the night. I wondered about calling him back but I was too drained to. We were just going round and round in circles and I didn’t know what to say anymore to make things better. So I let him go. Not because I didn’t care – but because I cared too much.
I stared down at what was in my hands. It was a box. A little black box tied with a silver ribbon. I sat down on the railings and cautiously undid the satin tie. Opening the lid, I gasped and I felt tears sting fresh in my eyes.
Stupid idiot. I hope you’re happy with yourself Lucy. You’ve royally fucked this one up.
I carefully lifted out the silver charm bracelet, toying with it in between my fingers, as I pulled it up to my face, to get a closer look at the two little charms dangling gracefully off it. One was of the London Eye and the other was a small silver paintbrush.
I lied earlier. This was the most beautiful paintbrush I had ever seen in my life.