‘So, you’re going to ask Levi?’ Jamie asks me, the next day.
‘Why does it have to be me?’ I lament, even though Matt’s told me about a bajillion times.
‘Because you’re the reason he left, babe,’ Eddie says. ‘Nice, that, isn’t it?’
‘Which is why I shouldn’t be asking him to come back!’ I protest. ‘I shouldn’t even be involved!’
‘Zo, where’s your bravery?’ Jamie asks me, scoldingly.
‘Can’t you at least come as a back up team?’ I beg, looking at the pair of them with puppy dog eyes, which they can’t seem to resist. It doesn’t work on Matt though, who merely folds his arm and gives me an expression which seems to say ‘don’t try that on me.’
‘Alright, alright,’ Jamie relents. ‘We’ll come. But you have to do the talking, Zoey, okay?’
‘Fine.’ I decide to surrender, which seems to please Matt, who looks rather relieved that I‘ve stopped making such a fuss.
‘Good good, that’s all sorted then,’ Eddie says, rubbing his hands together. ‘Shall we go now then?’
I bite my lip. ‘Uh…’
‘Come on, Zoey, we might as well get it over and done with, don‘t you think?’ Jamie says, persuasively. ‘Otherwise, knowing you, you’ll be worrying about it all day, won’t you?’
I laugh. They really do know me too well. ‘Alright then, let’s go.’
We walk along the corridors together, making our way to Levi’s tutor room. I used to go here a lot when we were together; it’s close to my locker, and so I used to combine trips with nipping in to see him.
But that was a long time ago. As we walk along the familiar route to get there, I feel butterflies pounding my stomach as I desperately try to think up the best way to ask him without making an idiot of myself. Every way I think up sounds stupid and silly and I’m wondering about running back and just giving up on the whole idea of making a band… but then the door to his tutor room is there, and I’m going through it, propelled by Matt, who has given me a big shove.
There seem to be countless numbers of people in the room. I search for Levi, as everyone stares at me, but I can’t see him. Then I see baby blue eyes, his hair as tousled as it always is, and he’s looking right at me.
‘Uh, Levi?’ I say, my voice shaky. ‘Could I talk to you for a sec?’
People cat call and cheer as he nods, looking puzzled. Oh no, don’t cat call! That just makes things even more awkward. They always used to cat call us when we were together- I was dating a popular boy, and that just seemed to mean that I was liable to be cheered and called at by all of his rowdy friends. Levi used to tell them off, realising that it bothered me, but that made them jeer all the more. Boys. Sigh.
He steps out of the tutor room, and as he sees Jamie, Eddie and Matt, his expression softens. ‘Oh, that’s what you want to see me about,’ he says, and then he folds his arms, leaning against the wall.
‘Well, yes,’ I begin. ‘We were planning on reforming the band, and er, well, we can’t really have The Something Somethings without you.’ I smile hopefully, but his expression quells it immediately.
‘Really?’ he says, sarcastically. ‘Judging by the audition posters I’ve seen around, you seemed to think otherwise.’
He doesn’t look at me as he says this, his eyes not meeting mine. Oh this is horrendously awkward. What on earth am I meant to say?!
‘Er, yes, we did hold auditions,’ I reply, nervously.
‘And so I’m your second choice, am I? When the other options failed, you come crawling back to me?’ he retorts.
I bite my lip. ‘That’s not what it’s like!’ I protest.
‘That’s what it looks like to me,’ Levi says, his tone harsh. ‘It looks to me like you’re using me.’
I look wildly round at the others, wanting them to back me up, but they all look equally as tongue tied as I am.
‘Well, we’re not,’ I tell him, confidently. ‘We just want to get the band back together, and we realise now that you’re an irreplaceable part of it. We need you.’
He looks up, and for the first time during this conversation, he meets my eyes. I’m filled with a sense of familiarity as I look into the blue depths, seeing all the different shades. ‘You need me?’ he repeats.
I open my mouth, but I can’t say anything.
‘Yes, yes, we do,’ Jamie fills in, quickly. ‘Remember all those times we had? Those gigs, those songs you and Zoey wrote- don’t you remember?’
There’s a heartrending pause.
‘I’ve moved on from The Something Somethings,’ Levi says. ‘I don’t want to go back.’ He looks at his hands, absently, as if he’s not even bothered by us. ‘And to be honest, none of you want me back either, do you?’
‘Ye-’ Jamie starts to say, but Levi cuts him off.
‘Zo?’ he asks softly, looking at me. He must see the answer in my eyes, because he nods, as if to say point proven, and turns away.
Eddie opens his mouth, Matt adjusts his glasses, both as if they’re about to say something. But I know all is lost, and so I nod.
‘Okay, we respect that, Levi. Thanks for speaking to us.’ Pulling the others away, I head off, not looking back. That was mature, wasn’t it? Certainly not how Levi and I usually ended arguments back in the old days. Usually one of us would storm out and slam the door or something.
‘Well,’ says Jamie, when we’re out of ear shot. ‘That sure went well.’
‘It was absolutely terrible,’ I reply, wearily. ‘He really is set on not joining us, isn’t he?’
‘I told you the auditions were a bad idea,’ Matt rebukes me. ‘I think he was seriously pissed off about that.’ I sigh, not even bothering to respond. Matt loves to be right, and so when he is, it’s best just to let him gloat.
‘You heard him, mate, he says he’s moved on,’ Eddie says, running one hand through his hair. ‘I think that means it’s a no whatever happens.’
Hearing that Levi’s ‘moved on’ still couldn’t fail to send a little shiver down my spine. Yes, he’s moved on from the band, but he’s also most definitely moved on from me. Otherwise, he would have jumped at the opportunity to get back in the band, wouldn’t he?
I always knew he’d move on very fast. So when he started dating about a month after we broke up, okay I was quite hurt, but it wasn’t a surprise. I’d been expecting it.
I never did the same as he did, though. Of course, I got over him, but I haven’t dated anyone since. I just don’t think I could. I mean, it all went so horribly wrong with Levi- is there any reason for another relationship not to be the same as that? Whose to say that I might end up doing the same thing if another boy came on the scene? I can’t deal with the pain and heartbreak of breaking up with people in such a messy way. So it’s better that I stay single.
‘What are we going to do, then?’ Jamie asks. ‘We have no guitarist.’
‘Well, I do play the guitar,’ I say, slowly. ‘Why don’t I just try to take Levi’s place, and we’ll see how it goes?’
Matt shrugs. ‘Well, I don’t think we’ve got any other option at the moment, have we?’
Eddie shakes his head, tugging a hand through his light hair. ‘You’re right. We’ll just have to make do with our shoddy guitarist,’ he adds, teasingly, and I elbow him, pretending to be cross.
‘Excuse me! I happen to be the shoddy lead singer too, you know!’
‘Mm, but can it really be called singing though, babe?’ Eddie asks, with a cheeky smile.
I shake my head at him. ‘Watch it, mister, or you might find yourself kicked out of the band.’
‘I don’t think we could afford to kick Eddie out of the band,’ Jamie puts in, scratching his facial hair. ‘We’d probably end up with no band members at all if we kept that up.’
‘Fair enough, fair enough,’ Matt sighs. ’Band practice tomorrow then? Shall we go for lunch time?’
I nod. ’Yeah, that’s fine.’ Quickly scribbling it on my hand (terrible habit, but otherwise I’d forget) I smile optimistically at them all. Whose to say that this won’t work out, after all?
*
‘No hot guitarist then?’ Tasha asks, as I sit down at lunch.
‘Sadly not,’ I tell her with a grin. ‘Or I’d have brought him along for you to lust over, Tash.’
‘You know me too well,’ she says, licking her lips cheekily.
‘You do have a boyfriend, remember?’ Ben tells her, rolling his eyes. ‘What would he say?’
‘It’s not what he’d say…’ Tasha says, suggestively, leaving the sentence hanging and us all groaning and covering our ears, just in case she feels the need to spill any gruesome details.
‘Enough, enough!’ Willow says, scrunching up her nose.
‘I wasn’t going to tell you!’ Tasha exclaims, indignantly. She flicks back her dark hair, defiantly. ‘I was merely leaving you all to guess what he’d do instead of talking, it’s much more fun.’
Ben nudges me. ‘She so wants us to ask her what the thing is,’ he says. ‘Make sure you don’t give in.’
‘I won’t,’ I assure him, and Tasha narrows her eyes.
‘I don’t! Leave me alone, bullies,’ she whines, sticking out her bottom lip and then laughing. ‘Okay, okay, change the subject, enough on Kieran and I.’
‘Still no luck with the guitarist then, Zo?’ Willow asks, as ever the considerate one who diverts the attention away from Tasha’s saucy private life.
I shake my head, deliberately not looking at a surely smug Matt. ‘Nope. I even asked Levi if he wanted to rejoin-’ Willow and Tasha gasp ‘-but no such luck; he said no.’
‘Really?!’ Willow’s eyes are wide. ‘You actually spoke to him? Oh goodness, that was very brave of you.’
‘Mm,’ I say. ‘It was kind of humiliating, really, he was pretty much disgusted by the idea of rejoining the band- he really does hate me.’
‘He has no reason to!’ Tasha says, indignant on my behalf. ‘You’re absolutely lovely, Zoey, and if he can’t see that, well, he’s the fool.’
I wrinkle my nose. ‘Thanks, but, well, after that messy break up, I don’t blame him.’ With a sigh, I shrug. ‘It’s probably for the best anyway. It would have been so awkward if he was in the band; imagine all the scenarios!’
‘And I don’t think Imogen would be very pleased,’ Willow says. ‘She’s quite protective of her man from what I’ve seen of her.’
‘Ah, but who wouldn’t be when their boyfriend has such heartbreakingly blue eyes?’ Tasha teases. ‘You’ve got to admit, he is one sexy bit of-’
‘How many times, Tash?!’ Ben says, giving her a shove. ‘And you’re dating his brother too! That’s practically incest!‘
‘Is not!‘ Tasha protests. ‘Clearly, both brothers share the same good looks gene!‘ Her eyes light up. ‘I guarantee you Levi has other areas which are good looking too, if Kieran’s-‘
‘Oh god!‘ Matt mimes vomiting. ‘What would Kieran say if he knew what a lusty girlfriend he had?!’
‘He already knows,’ Tasha says, with a wink. ‘Believe me, he knows all too well what a lusty young woman I am.’
I look at Willow in mock despair. What on earth should be done with Tasha is beyond me, but she is far too scandalous for her own good.
*
‘What’s that noise?!’ Orla shouts from her room.
I sigh, looking at the guitar miserably. My attempts to play lead guitar haven’t gone well, to say the least. I think I’ve probably permanently damaged Orla’s ears.
She pokes her head around the door. ‘Are you alright?’ she asks. ‘Your guitar sounds like it’s poorly.’
I laugh. ‘Sorry Orla,’ I tell her. ‘It’s my fault; I can’t play it very well.’
‘You can usually,’ she says, with a frown. ‘What’s going wrong?’
‘You remember Levi?’ I ask her, reluctantly. Orla’s face lights up, so I take that as a yes. ‘I’m trying to play like he does.’
‘Why don’t you ask him to teach you?’ Orla asks enthusiastically. ‘Then he could come round to our house all the time again! I love Levi!’
It’s true, Orla was totally head over heels in love with Levi when we were together. He used to ruffle her hair and pick her up, swinging her around, and wasn’t at all bothered by her consistent worship of him which lead her to follow him wide eyed around the house, asking him questions in a tone that seemed to speak of her complete and utter awe.
She thought he was the best thing in the world, and was beyond disappointed when he stopped visiting our house. It was quite awkward to explain to her that we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend anymore, as she didn’t really understand. She even offered to be Levi’s girlfriend instead, which made him laugh, and gently kiss the tip of her nose .
‘I don’t think Levi would want to teach me,’ I tell her. ‘We’re not friends anymore, I‘m afraid.’
Orla gasps. ‘Not even friends? Not at all?’ She tips her head to one side. ‘Did you have another fall out?’
‘We haven’t really talked much since our last fall out,’ I tell her.
‘Why not?! At school, we have to shake hands and make up if we have a fall out. Why don’t you do that?’
‘It’s a bit more complicated than just making up,’ I settle for, not sure what else to say to her.
‘I don’t see why,’ Orla says, with a frown. ‘I suppose it’s something older people have to do, is it?’
I nod, and so she plonks herself down on my bean bag, propping her head up with two hands. ‘Zoey, I don’t think I want to grow up.’
‘No?’
‘Nope. I want to be like Peter Pan, and just fly around forever and never get all wrinkly like Grandma.’
As I look at her, sat there gravely on the bean bag, I can’t help wishing I didn’t have to grow up either. All these decisions that I have to make are so intimidating, so daunting. Part of me likes the idea of more freedom and choice in my life, but the other half wants to run away, back to the days when everything could be sorted out by shaking hands and making up, and choosing the colour crayon to use was the hardest decision to make.
I fiddle with the guitar a bit, strumming a few random chords, trying to do those little solos that Levi pulls off with such ease, attempting to stretch my fingers into a more complex chord and trying to pluck the strings. Nope, it’s not working.
Orla frowns. ‘I think I’ll go now, if you’re going to play some more,’ she says.
I laugh. ‘Is it really that bad?’
Orla nods. ‘Sorry Zoey, but I think you need Levi to help you with it.’
I raise an eyebrow at her, to which I get a cheeky look as response, and as she scampers off, I turn back to the guitar, pinging the strings firmly as if that will force them to do my will, and not thinking about Levi at all.