"If he was any dumber we would have to water him twice a week." ~ James Carville
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After I make my escape from Old English with Or'sir, I head outside into the fresh air for my last class before lunch, Physical Education. Another problem with my transcripts from my old school Seaside High is that I've never actually had a regular P.E. class before. Seaside counted surfing for our P.E. credit and seeing I've been in the water since I was seven, that was a no-brainer for me and the rest of the Setters.
Unfortunately for me, Hell on the Hill doesn't recognize surfing as an extracurricular sport. So without a "real sport" to credit, I've been stuck in Level 1 PE with a bunch of the flocking freshmen. So out into the fresh air I go, towards the blacktop basketball courts, and a large flock of clearly lost freshmen kids.
Typical freshmeat, are just lingering around the blacktop and looking all kinds of "stupid new". Truth be told, other than lunch this one class I've been even slightly looking forward to ...right up to the point I spot none other than my two least favorite Plungers.
Brad Weston and Chad Collins, colloquially known around the Plunge Pool as "Brad 'n' Chad". The two former Plungers are lounging in the shade of a covered golf cart, sitting Shiva over the herd of scared and confused freshmeat.
Brad was my direct supervisor for the entire week I worked the Plunge guarding the kiddie pool, right before I got fired for saving the wrong kid from drowning. A former San Fall Hills High swimming star turned mediocre collegiate swimmer, turned swim coach, and summer lifeguard for life.
Honestly, I actually respected Brad's water skills to some degree. He definitely knew his home water well enough. He had a pretty quick eye for trouble, and always kept his cool under pressure. Oddly enough for a Plunger, Brad was actually a pretty decent dude, all things considered. Save for the fact he was close comrades with Captain Midnight, and his eternal wingman was a whole nother story altogether...
Chad Collins, aka Captain Midnight, was the lifeguard least likely to give a shit if you drown ...unless of course, you were a "smoking hot babe". Chad was your basic complete misogynistic douche bag, who probably practiced strutting in his speedos to ensure his stuff has just the right amount of "sway for the ladies". The kind of clown who always wore mirrored shades at the pool, in order to check out the new talent on the bikini rotunda, instead of the water. The douche bag was also partly responsible for getting me fired from the Plunge after only a week, and being moved down to the Annex for the duration of the swimming season. So in partial retaliation for that slight, I jacked Chad's cushy winter job guarding lappers at the Annex at night. Suffice to say, that the Plungers and I have some highly uncool history with each other ...as will soon become all too evident.
Of course, as soon as I spot the Plungers they spot me right back as well. So there is no escaping the hostile exchange on the horizon now. Instead, I head right at the conflict that is clearly waiting for me to start the show.
"Holy crapoli, Brad! Check it out, Princess Beach Boy is back." Chad nudges Brad and points me out.
"Hey Dean, over here man." Brad waves me over like we are friends. "What's going on man? I thought you were only here for the summer?"
"Yeah, what happened Princess? I thought you were too good for us." Chad smirks savagely.
"Hey Brad, still plunging Chad I see?" I nod over to Brad but keep ignoring Chad, mainly because he is utterly ignorable.
"I heard you're still working with Special Olympians down at the Annex Pool?" Brad smiles sagely. "That's a tough gig man, but absolutely worth the effort in my opinion."
"Yeah, that's the perfect place for you Princess, down with the rest of the retards, giving mouth to mouth to the Raisins." Chad has to add, which sets me off all kinds of wrong. Because after a summer of working with the Special Olympians, I've come to respect them a hell of a lot more than this idiot.
"Yeah, Old Joe asked me to stay on for the winter, because of the obvious lack of qualified candidates for the throne." I nod down to Chad. "So is this idiot still trying to kill kids in the pool? Or is Buzzard making Captain Midnight here, actually wear condoms all the time in the water now?"
Brad shakes his head and fails to suppress a smirk at the dirty dig on Chad. It was common knowledge around the Plunge pool during the summer that Chad made a habit of inviting his pool pickups to his "private midnight swimming lessons". His lame code for skinny dipping after pool hours with sloshy single moms. What all the other lifeguards at the Plunge referred to as "Captain Midnight killing kids in the pool again".
"Don't hate the player hate the game," Chad snorts this piece of stupidity out as justification for his addiction.
"So what are you doing roaming around out here dude?" Brad tries to change the subject away from Chad's summer glory stories.
"I go here now." I shrug him off. "So they stuck me in P.E. L1 to pick up the credit for graduation."
"Holy shit on a stick up your butt." Chad sits up straight and starts laughing, swinging his shiny new whistle lanyard thru his fingers. "You know what Brad? I think I suddenly love my new job."
Based on the swing lanyard and the sheer glee on Chad's face I have a sudden sinking feeling in my gut as to where this is headed. I cannot possibly have this flocking idiot as my gym teacher? I curse my karma, cause this crap is so wrong, it's not even funny.
"One guess as to who is most likely to fail PE this year and have to take it all over again next summer? You know ...instead of stealing jobs from more qualified people?" Chad sneers snidely.
"You've got to be blazing kidding me, they actually let someone like you around children ...without supervision? Damn dude, this place is way more desperate than I thought." I retort back with a snort. "Oh, and super nice tight bike shorts by the way Chad. Did your boyfriend pick those out special for your first big day teachering up all the hot young bodies of tomorrow? So are you officially out of the closet yet? Or still living the lie of the love that must not be named?"
"I'm not a homo stupid." Chad snaps back a little too fast for Brad's comfort. "Everyone knows I have more girlfriends than you ever will."
"Oh right, your girlfriends?" I drone back at him dryly. "Sure'sure Cap't, and you keep telling yourself that. But yet no one's actually ever seen any of these supposed girls have they? But hey I get it, don't-ask-don't-tell, right? No worries, your secret identity is safe me ...Captain Midnight."
I watch all the Ha-Ha-Ha hostility in his eyes evaporate, replaced by the sullen surly stare, I know only too well. Thing is I know Chad isn't actually orientated like I've been insinuating. It was pretty much common knowledge that Captian Midnight was a manwhore, who would jump on anything moving with a pulse. Just so long as it is halfway decent and almost single, and better yet if she was blonde.
"I could write you up a suspension for saying that kind of shit towards a teacher." Chad glowers sullenly, but then quickly reverts back to his mean smirk. "But then I'd lose the pleasure of making you my new top dog. The last dog died when I ran him right into the ground. Oh yeah...I think you're gonna be a great new dog for me Beach Boy. And don't even think about pulling any of that fake injury crap with me or I'll tell Mrs. Saint C I think you're on drugs. Then we'll see who laughs last, little Princess."
He forces a hard fake laugh, thinking that he has the upper hand being empowered with a whistle. I know from past experience, that I only have two options at this point. I can just shrug this threat off as "whatever", then do everything I can to get the hell out of this psycho's class as fast as possible. Or take it up a notch and turn a bad situation worse? Wanna guess which way I roll?
"Shit, maybe you're right? Maybe I should go right up to the main office and snitch like a little bitch." I muse to Brad. "While I'm there I can ask Mrs. St. Clair why Chad keeps threatening to fail me, unless he can call me his special Princess? So is this Princess fetish yours a special code for ...please come by the pool at midnight and touch me all over because I am so super pedo for you?"
"Then when I tell them how every time I turn around in the showers, that somehow you're always just suddenly right there?" I muse meanly, mostly for Brad's amusement. "Always just standing there staring at me, licking your lips and grinning like a psycho. How are you gonna explain all that away, Chod?"
"That just shows you how stupid you are Princess. Mrs. St Claire won't believe your stupid shit for a second, cause she's Buzzy's mother-in-law dumbass. So she's already heard all about you and your bullshit this summer." Chad seethes back. "See there, you're not as smart as you think you are stupid beach boy."
"Neither are you, bro. So take your best shot and let's see how far you can get when you go down in the gutter with a student." I counter coldly. "Especially the one who took away your cushy winter gig down at the Annex? Oh, and let's not forget Old Joe Blake passed you over for a good reason, no?"
"Hell, if I asked him to Ol' Joe would probably throw in that he couldn't trust you around the all Special kids anymore. That you made all the little boys in the locker room feel ...highly uncomfortable. Which is why he decided not to take you back for the winter." I muse meanly. "So how much do you think it would take for Ol' Joe to back me up? I'm thinking just the vague promise I'll stay on at the Annex, so he never has to deal with you again?"
"Princess? I'll see your Princess and raise you one pedophile." I snort in the local custom to drive my point home. "It's the one thing to say where they always give the kid the benefit of the doubt over the douche bag, like you. And like you said, this is your first year teachering up the impressionable youth of tomorrow? So you got zero history to rely on when it comes to my word over yours? So what do you say Chad? So you wanna keep playing this game with me, so we can turn your life into a nightmare of rumors and innuendo?"
"Screw you, beach boy," Chad starts stupidly.
"Oh, you want to screw me now too? Right in front of your entire class, who is watching you trying to push up on me and wondering ...just what is your interest in me?" I roll my eyes over to the herd of poor dumb freshmeat, just standing around looking all kinds of stupid new.
"Yeah, you should definitely try to make an example out of me. Make sure you show all the other kids just how "special" I am to you. Oh, and you should totally keep calling me Princess ...in front of witnesses." I nod back to Brad, who lost his smile a while ago. Who is looking increasingly uncomfortable at the hostile direction this interaction has taken. "Your turn Capitan kid killer."
I sway back, smiling my killer smile slices right into his fear eyes, just waiting for him to do the next stupid thing. I can see that this idiot is halfway to believing that I am insanely capable of blazing his world over with false accusations. I can also tell see that he is about to lose his shit and wants to pound me into pieces. Based on his slightly psychotic nature, I know he won't be able to help himself for long. All he needs is a little push in the right wrong direction before he throws a punch. A hit I will gladly take with a smile. Because I know regardless of what he claims the confrontation was about ...a teacher punching a student in the face? In front of no less than fifty witnesses? Yeah, I'm betting that he'd totally getting fired for that.
"Okay, that's enough guys, let's take it down a notch." Brad finally comes in for the save, rescuing his wingman before things can get really interesting. "Both of you need to put aside all that bad blood from summer, and just go about your business."
"Don't look at me, I'm not the one who started this stupid shit." I counter back evenly.
Okay, maybe I am a little responsible with that "killing kids in the pool" comment. But seriously this is Captain Midnight we are talking about? This idiot shouldn't even be in charge of himself, let alone a whole class full of impressionable freshmen boys.
"I think you made your point, Darren." Brad sighs. "So can you just do me a favor, and go get those freshmen lined up for roll call?"
"Sure sure, Brad." I drift slowly. "Oh, and while I am doing your dirty work for you. Maybe you can take a moment and explain to Captain Midnight here, why you don't start shit you can't finish by yourself?"
"You better watch your ass, Beach Boy." Chad reverts to all he has left, vague threats as lame as he is.
"Isn't that what you're here for?" I retort. "Seriously dude, do you even know how pedo you sound to normal people anymore?"
I shake my head, as I drift away towards the cluster of freshmeat, who are apparently my new classmates. I swear I can feel Chad's hate on the back of my neck, trying to burn me to ash.
After Brad apparently calms Chad down enough to pretend to be in charge of this clusterflock of freshmeat. I don't bother to help get the freshmen lined up at all, so Chad has to yell at them to line up "in long lines" for roll call. Which makes about as much sense to the freshmeat as anything else they've heard so far today. After which Chad stands smugly in his super skin-tight bike shorts before the herd of poor freshmen and proudly announces tomorrow's agenda.
"Okay Ladies, listen up. Tomorrow we are in the pool for our mandatory aquatic fitness evaluation. So bring your swim gear and goggles, because we are going to get wet ladies." Chad smirks at his own innuendo. "Now with that being said is there anyone who doesn't know how to swim ...besides Dean? Okay, great and moving right along to..."
One hand in the back of the class raises high and stops Chad short in mid stupidity.
"Are you kidding me?" Chad snaps back. "What's your name?"
"Kenny Lee." Replies a lanky Asian kid wearing a baseball jersey over an oversized hoodie.
"And you don't know how to swim?" Chad gapes at the lone holdout.
"Nope." Lee sighs apologetically.
"Why the hell not?" Chad disparages the kid. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Ah...never learned?" The kid shrug mumbles, clearly embarrassed at being outed.
"Well I hope for your sake, you learn how to swim between now and senior year, or you won't get a diploma." Chad lies his ass off idiotically. "So you sit out tomorrow and don't let me see you anywhere near the water. Cause if you fall in and drown I am not going to give you mouth to mouth." Chad leers over at me. "Dean here will have the honor of french kissing your corpse."
All the freshmeat immediately look over at me in abject horror. So I just roll my eyes at this stupidity and just wait for it to get worse. Cause this is The Captian Midnight Show now, so I already know it has to get worse from here.
"Okay so now that's over with, let me introduce you to your gym lockers and the showers. Where come tomorrow you all will get your first chance to scope out the big boys to compare and contrast." Chad starts laughing psychotically, at what I can only assume is the thought of all these kids uncomfortably showering naked together for the first time.
I eye bone Brad hard and see him wince away like he's been punched in the stones. When Brad finally chances a glance in my direction, all I can do is just sadly shake my head back at him in disgust. Because I can't believe he doesn't hear how seriously pedo Chad sounds.
Personally, Captain Midnight has always reminded me of a really sick Tom Cruise wannabe. Just jumping on the couches of life and laughing maniacally at his own inside jokes, not giving a crap that everyone else thinks he's batshit crazy. While the rest of us just feel seriously sorry for his kids.