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Who is going to have this chapter dedicated to them? hmm? (:
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Chapter 8
They say that time heals all wounds; however, I’m here to say that whoever ‘they’ are, they got that fact all wrong. Time doesn’t heal wounds; time is the big bully pilling apart the stitches that close a wound.
Time only makes things worse.
This is what I learned in the coming weeks at the skinny boy house. At first, I thought that I would get used to the insane ways, the shoving food and constant weigh-ins. I thought that time would help me accept where I was and help me get over my problems.
Boy, I was wrong, very wrong.
I found myself entangled in a series of strings, each pulling me in a different direction. One string, the one attached to my waist, pulled me into the kitchen. The string around my neck pilled me into each and every therapy session. The tightest string, the one wrapped so fiercely around my chest pulled me into Steven’s welcoming arms.
A thousand other strings pulled me through each and every activity until I no longer felt like I had even the slightest bit of control over my life.
I was nothing more than a puppet.
At first, Steven served as my shoulder to lean on, and it was a wonderful shoulder; however, somewhere down the line, it slowly dwindled away, losing its effectiveness almost entirely. The other boys tended to stay away from me since my rise in the skinny boy ranks.
Somehow, gaining the freedom to eat unsupervised made me the newest social outcast. Rich didn’t speak to me.
It wasn’t like I missed talking to him; it just stung to be so… ignored.
Geoffrey seemed a bit more forgiving. At least he still made eye contact with me.
Steven told me that they were just jealous. He informed me that Rich would probably never have the luxury that we had due to his past reckless behavior, He also let me in on the fact that poor Geoffrey remained in such a jumbled mess that he probably wouldn’t be stable enough to handle the freedom without abusing it.
“You’re the strong one,” he would whisper to me when he snuck into my bed past lights out. “They know that you’re the strong one; they know that you’re going to get out of here.”
I didn’t feel strong. Hell, I felt like a leaning tower of Jenga. All I needed to crumble over was a stiff wind to puff me into the wrong direction.
That puff came all too quickly.
Winter hit hard and fast, covering the grounds in the thickest blanket of pure white snow. Most people in Ohio hated the snow. It came too often and made the roads dangerous. People were late to work.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
I loved the snow. It covered everything, made it the most perfect shade of white. It felt as if the snow was natures way of fixing its imperfections; it felt like the worlds own band aid, covering the things it wasn’t quite ready to face yet.
After class dismissed, the boys and I disbanded, each going our own ways. As usual, Geoffrey and Rich were the exception. They giggled together and slipped away into Rich’s room. Steven seemed a bit distracted as he made his way to his own bedroom.
I plopped down onto my bed and immediately curled into a ball, pulling my thick comforter around me like a cocoon.
As the silence settled over me, I thought comfort would soon follow; however, my body ached, and a small headache bloomed behind my eyes. My mind decided at that exact moment to recite everything it wrapped its fingers around.
In one corner of my mind, I heard my mother’s cruel whispers. “You better get fixed, Maximus! You’re broken, worthless. You better not come back until you’re better, not broken, ruined.”
I pressed my eyes closed and mentally whispered a series of la-la-la’s to drown out my mother. Surprisingly, it works; however, it didn’t work the way I wanted. Instead of drowning out all my thoughts, it just silenced one part, paving the way for other thoughts to slip out.
Next, I heard Ruth’s voice praise me. “You’re doing so well, Max; you’re improving so much. I wouldn’t doubt if you’re doing the best out of all the other boys. Whatever you do don’t let me down.” The voice in my head was so cheerful, yet it held a seriousness that made my stomach wrap around itself in a tight knot.
I didn’t want to let anyone down; I just wanted to be better.
You’ll never be better, the voice in my head joined in the party, and you know I’m right.
Before I could retort, Steven’s voice slipped into my consciousness. “You’re the strong one, Max. You’re going to be ok; I know you’re going to be ok.”
“You’re the biggest disappointment!”
“You’re doing so well!”
“You’re falling apart!”
“Oh, Max, you’re so strong!”
“You’re never going to make it out of here!”
“You’re improving so much!”
Everyone’s words mixed in my mind until they were shouting from all angles around me, sucking the air from the air and filling my lungs with darkness.
I didn’t realize I was screaming until strong arms wrapped around my body. My screams molded into sobs as I buried my face into Terry’s uniformed chest. I dug my nails into his outfit’s thick fabric, latching onto him as if my life depended on it.
“Shh,” he cooed in his richly, deep voice. “Calm down.”
Doing my best to control my breathing, I cracked my eyes open to find my fellow skinny boys standing in the doorway. Steven’s face was painted with concern. Geoffrey had his hand over his mouth in actual surprise. Rich, my favorite, had a smug smile painted on his lips as he leaned against the doorframe. I swear I even heard him laugh as he turned his back and walked away.
“Max,” he began softly, “what’s wrong?”
I met Steven’s eyes and felt the embarrassment of my situation boil the blood in my face and ears.
Terry, noticing I didn’t meet his eyes, turned around. “You two, get out of here. Give the boy some space.”
Geoffrey turned away automatically, but Steven hesitated. “Are you ok, Max?”
For whatever reason, I couldn’t speak.
Terry stepped in. “He’s going to be fine, just give him a minute.”
I sighed as Steven finally walked away allowing me to relax in Terry’s arms. Despite what everyone thought, I didn’t think I would be ok; I didn’t think I could ever be ok.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong, Max?” Terry spoke my name so softly, and I wanted to tell him how messed up I felt; I wanted to ask for help. I needed someone to talk to who would be unbiased, who wouldn’t tell me how well that I was doing. My sanity rested on that fact.
I knew at that moment that I couldn’t get better on my own; I needed help, or I would lose it.
“I’m going crazy,” I began, “I’m losing my mind,” I whimpered honestly. Tears continued to fall down my cheeks as I spoke. “I can’t handle much more of this.”
Terry pulled away just enough to meet my eyes. The brown of his own eyes seemed to shimmer. “Max…”
Just as he opened his mouth, another voice broke through the silence like a wrecking ball through a window. “What is going on in here?”
Terry shot up quickly, pulling away from me completely. “He,” he gestured down at me, “just needed someone to talk to.”
Ruth shifted her stone glance between Terry and me a few times before locking onto Terry. “That isn’t your job, nor is it your place. Need I remind you that you are the security guard, or have you forgotten what security guards do?” Her voice was flat, dangerous.
“No, ma’am.” He stepped aside as Ruth entered my room.
“What did you need to talk about so badly that you couldn’t contact me or Dawn?”
I wiped my eyes and put on my best smile. “Nothing important,” I lied. “I was just wondering if we, the boys, were allowed to go play in the snow.”
Ruth lifted her brow. “You were crying because you wanted to go play in the snow?” The way the words left her mouth made me know that the blasted woman knew I was lying.
I shook my head. “I just got a little emotional because Terry said that we weren’t allowed. I just thought that we could all use some fresh air.”
Ruth turned her attention back to Terry, who straightened his back when she spoke. “Is this true?”
Terry met my eyes long enough for me to shrug helplessly. “Yes, ma’am. Max knows that they aren’t allowed to go outside and play.”
Ruth’s eyes darted between us once more. Her eyebrow darted up once more, telling me that she didn’t believe us one hundred percent; however, at least a part of her believed us. “Well,” she began, lifting a finger to her lips, “I think that as long as the boys are closely supervised, a few minutes in the snow couldn’t hurt. You all deserve a little fresh air.”
Her attention snapped back to Terry. “You are to keep them under your constant supervision. Make sure they are not doing anything too extraneous, and no exercising is allowed under any circumstances. Do you understand?”
Terry nodded.
“Make sure the boys dress warmly.” With that, she turned and left.
After her footsteps faded, Terry plopped back down onto my bed and sighed deeply. “Guess you better throw on some thicker clothes.”
“I don’t really want to go outside,” I grumbled as I stood up and began throwing on some extra layers of clothing.
Terry laughed lightly as he watched me dress. “I guess you should have thought about that before you decided to lie.”
I shrugged. “Look, she believed it, right?”
“Maybe.” Terry paused. “Do you want to talk now?”
I shook my head and smiled. “I actually feel better. Maybe we can talk later?”
Terry shrugged. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. You should talk to Ruth or Dawn. They can help you.”
Sighing once more, I stepped into my shoes. “I don’t want to talk to them; I want to talk to you.”
Terry met my eyes once more before standing up. “I’m going to pass the message onto the other boys, ok?”
I nodded.
As Terry walked away, I sat on the edge of the bed. “Hold yourself together, Max. You can do it.”
“Are you sure?” Rich asked suddenly.
“What the hell!?” I snapped, startled.
Rich laughed cruelly. “You need to stop pretending that have everything under control and admit to yourself that you’re just as messed up as the rest of us.” He pulled gloves from his jacket pocket and stuffed his hands into them. “Come one. Let’s go play in some snow!”
My mouth hung open loosely as Rich bounced away. One on hand, I wanted to smack the living hell out of him. On the other, it was nice seeing rich act like a kid.
I still wanted to smack him more than anything else.
When I say that it was cold outside, I mean that it was bone-aching, can’t-see-through-your-own-breath cold. As soon as we stepped outside, I began to shiver.
“Ok, boys,” Terry began as he stuffed his bare hands into his pockets. “No exercising and stay where I can see you. Understood?”
We all nodded, and of course, Rich took off like a lunatic. He was laughing as Terry began to chase him. We all watched as Rich stopped, knelt down, and made a snowball.
“Don’t you even dare,” Terry threatened with a smile on his face.
“Too bad.” Rich hummed the snowball at Terry’s face.
Terry moved at the last second and made his own snowball. Rich’s eyes widened as he took off running once again.
Geoffrey laughed quietly to himself as he tightened his black scarf around his neck. “That’s not something you see everyday, huh?”
“I know, right? It’s weird seeing Rich so out of character.” Steven automatically wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him.
I smiled as Terry chased Rich around the courtyard. “We should join in,” I said without really thinking about it.
“No thank you. This scarf is Versace. I’m not about to let it ruined by you peasants.” Geoffrey winked at us both as he made his way to the bench. He delicately waved away the thick mound of snow and plopped down.
Smiling wickedly, I yanked away from Steven and scooped up a handful of snow.
“Oh, come on, Max,” Steven begged. “It’s too cold for all that.”
I lowered my hand and pretend to lull the decision over. “Oops, sorry. Your face needs some lovin’.” I lobbed the snowball at him, hitting him right smack in the middle of his forehead.
Steven wiped the snow away slowly and squinted his eyes at me. “You have a five second head start.”
It was weird letting go of the woes in my life so easily. As we all ran around laughing, throwing snow at each other, I forgot about how confused I felt.
I forgot about how conflicted I was about being in the skinny boy house. I no longer cared about gaining weight; I no longer cared about trying to get healthy.
For a brief moment, I wasn’t plagued with the constant need to please everyone around me. I was free, free from the negative thoughts.
We were just regular boys running around having a snowball fight. None of us were calculating how many calories we were burning. Our minds weren’t on the amount of food we ate or how much weight we’ve all gained.
Terry fell to the ground as the three of us attacked him with our snowballs. “Ok. Ok. Enough, guys!”
“Yeah,” Rich mumbled breathlessly. “I’m pretty tired.”
“I’m cold,” Geoffrey shouted from afar.
Steven wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Let’s go get some hot coco or something!”
“Sounds great,” I chimed happily. Everything felt so perfect. I even forgot that my mother abandoned me at a clinic as we all made our way into the house.
I felt great, invigorated. Nothing in the world could get me down.
Steven held the door open for me. “After you, sir,” he grinned.
I pretended to tip my hat as I stepped through the doorway. The air was much warmer, and it automatically made me sniffle. “Where is that hot chocolate?”
We made it about two steps into the house when Terry’s voice cracked through the air like a strike of lightning. “Get Ruth; call a doctor!”
Just like in the movies, when I turned around to face the white stretch before me, time slowed to just above a complete stop. Terry knelt over Rich’s motionless body. The other boys ran back outside, all falling into place around Rich. I could see their lips moving, but I couldn’t hear even the slightest sound.
Ruth pushed past me, pushing me hard into the doorframe; the nurse followed closely behind. Dawn ran out just as quickly as her fellow coworkers. They waved away the boys and gathered around Rich. The nurse stepped right into action, checking his vitals and doing other nurse things.
I didn’t realize my heart was pounding uncontrollably until my senses snaked their way to their proper places in my body. The nurse pulled a cell phone from seemingly thin air. Time suddenly moved too fast; the people before me seemed to jump around as if time were moving so quickly that I was missing chunks at a time.
An ambulance arrived, red lights dancing across the glistening snow like burning embers trapped inside an icy prison. All too quickly, two men clad in solid white uniforms scooped Rich’s unmoving body into a gurney. Terry quickly ushered Geoffrey, Steven, and I into the house as Ruth slammed the door shut behind us.
When she turned her attention to us, it felt as if the fire burning behind her eyes burned with enough intensity to not only burn the house down, but also clear the entire state of it’s fluffy white snow. “Dawn,” Ruth snapped, “get the boys into their rooms.” She spoke with enough authority to make Dawn straighten her back automatically.
Dawn went to work quickly, leading us away from Terry and Ruth. “Come on, boys.” She kept her voice low.
Before we crested the staircase, Ruth’s voice boomed through the silent air. “I told you to watch over them! I told you nothing too extraneous. Did you take nothing from our conversation?”
“They were all having a-”
Ruth cut Terry off as he attempted to speak. “I don’t care what they were doing! I gave you specific instructions, and you obviously don’t posses enough brain cells to follow simple directions.” Ruth’s voice was cruel, sharp. I could almost imagine Terry’s face filled with shame.
“I didn’t think anything of it,” Terry’s voice was almost inaudible as we were quickly led away.
“That’s you’re problem! You don’t think! Because of you, one of our own-”
“Boys, get into your rooms,” Dawn began, purposefully speaking over Ruth.
Steven automatically began walking into my room, but Dawn placed a hand on his shoulder. “Everyone into their own separate rooms.”
Steven sighed and nodded his head, adding a small apologetic smile my way. I couldn’t find it in myself to react in anyway at all. Instead, I simply turned away, walked into my room, and shut the door behind me. Safely inside my own shell, I leaned against the door and tried to gain a grip on my shaking body. Slowly, I slid down the door, and fell into a puddle.
Closing my eyes, all I could imagine was Rich’s lifeless body lying in the snow. What happened to him?
Was he going to be ok?
Was I going to be ok?
No.
I’m still not exactly sure why I began to hyperventilate, but I found myself completely unable to breathe. No matter how many times I gasped, my lungs never seemed to fill. Tears fell down my cheeks as I huddled into a ball and broke down. I don’t know why, but all I wanted to do was give up, to just stop existing. Everything around me became too much to process; I didn’t want to process it anymore.
What happened to Rich was my fault. If I would have just told Ruth the truth, we would have never been outside, and Rich would still have been fine. Everything was my fault.
“If I could just be better, I wouldn’t even be here. I would be safe and sound in my bed with a loving family.” I thought to myself.
“I’m never going to be better,” I mumbled.
I don’t know how long I stayed in that same huddled position, but when I finally slowed my breath, I found my mind on Steven, the boy with the kind eyes.
I didn’t deserve to have such a nice person beside me; I didn’t deserve to have someone like me. He deserved someone who could hold himself together, someone who could love him properly.
I didn’t even know exactly how I felt about Steven. Sure, he was great to have around, but I found myself wondering if there was anything deeper beyond that. Was I even anywhere near the right state of mind to allow myself to like someone? Would I let them like me?
All my life, all I ever heard was how worthless I was, and here, in this prison, I was lucky enough to find someone who actually seemed to care about me, and instead of being happy, I was lying in a puddle of my own tears, completely and utterly confused about all of my feelings.
My stress level seemed to reach its max as I finally pushed myself to my feet. As much as I never wanted to see my mother again, all I wanted was to go home, to sleep in my own bed with all my own things.
I couldn’t even do that.
Tears filled my eyes as my stomach seemed to climb into my throat. A darkness crept into my mind and began dripping through my veins like a thick sludge that sapped all the feeling from my body. The darkness grew until my whole body went numb; however, just as my body numbed, the darkness seeped into my subconscious, taking over my thoughts.
“Do it,” the darkness cooed.
I pressed my eyes closed, rested my forehead on the door. “No,” I whispered. I didn’t want to do it; I wanted to get better.
“You’re never going to get better.”
“Yes I will,” I sobbed. “I can.”
“No you can’t. You said so yourself.”
“No.” I cupped my ears in a desperate attempt to shut the voice out.
I swear, I could hear the darkness chuckle. “Give in. You know how much better you will fill after you empty your body.” The darkness laughed and then whispered, “You need it, Max.”
I cracked all too easily, believing the darkness pulsing throughout my body. There was no point in fighting the darkness; he always won.
Always.
No matter how much I tried to fool myself into thinking that I was on the road to recovery or what ever the adults around here were shoving down my throat, I knew deep down that I was in a total state of disaster. The only thing that would make me feel better would be to gain control over myself once again.
Just under my skin, I craved that control; I didn’t even have to give the darkness that part of my body; that was all me.
Slipping out of my bedroom was too easy. Not a single adult could be found. Poking my head out, I double checked to make sure all the other boy’s doors were safely shut.
They were.
I shot another look down the hallway to the top of the stairs. Listening carefully, I could hear the adults talking to themselves.
More like yelling.
Quickly, I stepped out into the hallway, pulling my door shut behind me as to not garner any unwanted attention just in case an adult walked by. As I tip-toed to the bathroom, a greedy anticipation shoved the darkness from my body. My heart raced as I slipped into the bathroom.
The lights flicked on automatically; however, I slapped the sensor’s shut off bottom. Feeling my way through the darkness, I found the first stall and slipped inside.
The tall walls were like my own castle. Inside, I was safe; nothing could hurt me. With shaking hands, shaking because of excitement, not because of nerves, I knelt down in front of the toilet.
“This is my decision,” I mumbled to myself. “This is what I need.”
I opened my mouth and slid my finger down my throat. It took a few tries due to my overused gag reflex, but when I finally purged everything from my stomach, I leaned up to flush away my secret and sat with my head pressed against the toilet.
A part of myself felt so proud, so happy, so in control; however, an even larger part of myself crumbled in on itself, screaming out in utter pain.
Rocking back and forth, I did my best to calm my nerves. “Why do I feel so guilty?” I asked as I drug a hand down my face. “This isn’t right; I’m supposed to feel better.”
In reality, I felt the complete opposite. As I sat on the floor, tears began to drip down my eyes. Even in my darkest hour, the one thing that used to make me happy did nothing for me. I was lost.
I covered my hands over my mouth to soften my sobs. Suddenly, I was happy the lights were off because I couldn’t bare to even catch the slightest glimpse of myself.
I hated myself for being too weak; I hated myself for giving in to the darkness.
For once, I didn’t hear the darkness taunt me; the voices of the ones around me slipped from my mind. Instead, all I could hear was my faint sobbing echo off the walls that once used to protect me.
They no longer protected me; they were my prison.
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