Tears cascading down my face, I stepped into the empty art classroom.
I slammed the door behind me and leaned against it, pain weighing me down like an anvil. So intense, I could feel pressure in my chest that wouldn't give up.
Why did everything have to fall apart as soon as Bobby comes around?
The tears began falling harder, and they seemed to have strings attached to them. They dragged me to the ground as slow as they fell. I could feel myself collapsing within myself, breaking, crumbling.
I shuddered vigorously as I relived what had transpired hours before.
*****
I approached Megan's doorstep, scared out of my mind. I was reluctant to talk to her and try to mend the fissure I had so foolishly created. The way her house towered over me didn't help with the nerves either.
I looked at her driveway. Her parents weren't home.
Was that good or bad?
I took a deep breath to calm my nerves, then rapped against her door slowly.
Soon after, the door creaked open, revealing a very puffy-eyed, despondent-looking Megan.
I felt horrible.
"Leave," she growled before I could speak, and she tried to slam the door in my face.
I placed my foot in the way, and the door stopped with a soft thud. Thank heavens I wore boots that day.
The door slowly reopened. Megan didn't look too happy to do it.
I gazed at her, feeling so guilty that I wanted to fall to my knees. I stood my ground, and took one more deep breath before attempting to speak. When the words didn't come, I cleared my throat and shuffled nervously. Her hard gaze pierced through my confidence and stripped me bare, leaving me vulnerable.
This was gonna be harder than I thought.
"I came to apologize. What happened yesterday was completely uncalled for and I understand that," I told her, the words spilling out desperately. It seemed as though they wanted to reach Megan as fast as possible, get her to listen, but my mouth wasn't working fast enough. "I wasn't even thinking."
"Apology rejected, now go," she flashed an angry smile before trying to close the door.
"Megan, please, I'm trying to fix this!" I cried, reaching out to stop the door from closing again.
"How? How can you fix this? I ask you to help me find out what's wrong with my boyfriend and I discover that he's been seeing you behind my back? How can you possibly fix that?"
"We weren't seeing each other," I desperately tried to explain, "It was just one stupid kiss and I regret it completely!"
"No you don't, Caleb! I see way you look at him! You are just as in love with him as I am."
Her words made me falter. I did love him, of course. I didn't realize that I had made it so obvious. But what really stopped me was what she had said before that: did I regret it? It was probably the best kiss I had ever experienced, and to finally learn that he had true feelings for me made my heart jubilant. But did I have to lose a friend because of it? It didn't seem fair.
"Megan, I'm sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am. I don't want to come in between you two."
She scoffed and spat, "Well you did a bang up job, considering how we aren't talking. I've tried texting him, calling him, asking him just what he was thinking, but nothing. We're over, and I can't help but place the blame on you."
Her words punched a hole in my heart, making me feel raw with guilt and pain. I was starting to hate everything, hate myself especially. It was my fault; I wasn't thinking. This was the price I paid for letting my feelings rule for even a minute.
"Megan, I'm not talking to him either, I'm trying to fix all of this before I lose both of you," I pleaded, tears escaping my eyes now. I was trying to say the right things, but nothing I said seemed good enough. It all left me feeling miserable and deflated and just plain upset.
"No, we're done here. I refuse to try and be friends with someone who won't take time to consider my feelings. So go run to Bobby, I'm sure he's dying to hold you right now."
I was breaking down right in front of her, and her face was cold, devoid of any emotion. I was crying, begging for a chance, and she refused. I was beginning to lose all hope for the situation.
Before she closed the door in my face I exclaimed, "I do care, I told him I didn't want to come between you guys!"
She didn't even seem to care about what I said, she just continued, "You know, I might have expected this from Bobby. But you? Goes to show there's really no one you can trust."
With that, she slammed the door with concussive force.
Leaving me shattered.
*****
I cried inside my hands, shaking from the fit of agony I was going through. I couldn't take this at all.
Was I really cold-hearted?
Selfish?
Unconcerned with others?
I wanted someone to say, No Caleb, you're extremely caring and attentive and a total sweetheart.
But no one was around to tell me that.
Morgan had went to Fresno for her weeklong family reunion.
Megan just shut me out.
And Bobby and I were too complicated to speak to each other.
How alone could I be?
I couldn't think. Couldn't process anything. I wanted to fix everything, but my crushing defeat ultimately left me crushed.
Part of me wanted to talk to Bobby, expressed my frustration.
The other part wanted nothing to do with him.
It was him.
He drove me crazy, made me do things I'd never normally do.
Made me completely and utterly lovestruck.
He was a drug.
I was addicted.
And once I had finally got a taste of the good stuff, it came at a cost.
And this was my withdrawal.
I shook my head back an forth, trying to shake all of my thoughts away. My feelings.
Bobby had admitted to having feelings for me, and it was amazing what followed.
So why wasn't I in his arms like Megan had said?
What was stopping me from talking to him?
It's destroying people around you, and you aren't even together.
I suddenly felt my breath hitch at a dangerous rate, and I fought to catch my breath before I hyperventilated.
I can't put myself into this, I thought, I don't want to hurt anyone else.
Or get hurt.
I knew that I couldn't be good enough for him. The whole time, I figured he liked girls, and then suddenly things changed.
But he was in love with Megan at some point, and that changed fairly quickly.
Who was to say someone else would come along and fuck it up for me in the same way I had done to Megan?
We weren't good for each other, and it was becoming pretty evident.
And, according to Megan, I was selfish. So, how is that good for him?
I'm not good enough.
I thought I had a handle on things, but it all fell apart under my watch.
What was I thinking?
I was tempted to bang my head against the door repeatedly, to get every confusing thought to leave my head. It would be so easy. . .
Just stay away from both of them.
The solution came so fast, I almost forgot that I was searching for one.
Megan wouldn't have a problem with me leaving her alone.
And I had grown accustomed to ignoring Bobby on numerous occasions.
Would it solve everything?
The tears stopped falling long enough for me to open my eyes. I rubbed at my lips, remembering the kiss that Bobby and I had shared. It was surreal what had happened, but just how much could that one moment decide what I do?
My selfish side tried to make the decision for me:
It's simple. He likes you. You like him. Take a chance.
But I kept thinking of what else I'd encounter:
These feelings for you may be a weird phase.
You might get hurt.
And you'll hurt others in the process.
I could not take the uncertainty anymore. I stood up quickly, rubbing the tears out of my eyes. I didn't need to dwell on the negative, but rather search for a positive.
I went to Universal Studios.
It was fun up until the detonation of the bomb that the kiss had planted.
Does it still count as a positive?
I huffed a large breath and walked to Mr. Patterson's desk. There wasn't a note, but there was a ticket.
The art gallery opening is tomorrow night.
I smacked my forehead, angered by my own stupidity.
I shoved the tickets in my bag and turned around just as the door was opening.
I thought it would be Mr. Patterson, but a head of curly blonde hair came into view.
"Piper," I breathed, trying to wipe my face rather quickly.
Piper was a student of the "Intro to Art" class. She sat in the front, which led to us having interesting conversations. I enjoyed talking to her, and I especially enjoyed her art.
Her skinny frame slipped into the classroom and shut the door. "I had left my journal here earlier today, I came to get it," she said softly.
I looked down and said, "Yeah, go ahead."
I heard her feet shuffling to the back, and I figured she found her journal. She started to leave, but her footsteps stopped.
"What's wrong?" she asked, worry in her voice.
"Nothing," I lied, only then realizing that tears were coming again.
Piper stepped over to me, her tennis shoes making their way into my line of vision.
"Caleb, what happened?" she asked with a little more force.
I finally managed to look up, her eyes worried and soft. I couldn't help but want to talk to her.
"There's a lot going on, and I just don't know what to do," I spoke softly, my voice rough from the crying.
She sat on a stool and kept her eyes trained on me. "What's the matter?" she asked as she sat patiently.
I looked at her, unsure at first. We weren't strangers, but I was definitely wary about disclosing the details of my personal life. But as I thought about it, and looked into her deep hazel eyes, I knew I could trust her.
I told her as much as I could, from the moment I started feeling differently about Bobby. She didn't interrupt, didn't lose focus. She just listened, and it made me so grateful to know that I was being heard.
Once I was done, she paused before asking, "So, what do you plan to do?"
I sighed heavily, feeling tears begin to build once more from talking about the situation. "I honestly don't know," I whispered, "I think I may have lost both of them."
She finally stood face to face with me. I felt her hand slip into mine, but my eyes were entrapped in hers.
"He sounds like someone who is really special. More important than a girl who doesn't understand," she spoke softly, making sure the words didn't slap me, but rather caress my conscience.
"You should talk to him," she smiled after a long pause, "Or at least think about it."
With that, she grabbed her journal and walked out of the classroom.
I was left alone once more, in the room that seemed to be my safe haven, but was marred by memories of Bobby.
Bobby.
Correction: the drug.
Should I take another chance?