The next few weeks after we had all finished decorating the nursery were filled with buying the last few things I needed for the baby. This included gear like changing pads, a baby bath tub and infant nail clippers. Who would have thought you needed to get infant nail clippers? It was mainly me, my mum and Cory who went out and got these items so I rarely got time to see any of my friends. They kept me updated though by sending pictures of themselves out in town or if they go shopping. I'm starting to find it irritating. In fact I'm starting to find most things irritating.
I yelled at my mum the other day simply because she was vacuuming and I couldn't hear the television. I yelled at Cory the next morning because during the night he was snoring and I couldn't get to sleep because of that. I just keep yelling at people. I'm getting especially irritated at night though because no matter what position I try, I just can't get to sleep. I'm too big now to get comfy and when I do finally find a position that I think will work for me, the baby begins to start kicking and punching and just generally fighting me it feels like.
Tonight I have just been the same. I've been tossing and turning and nothing feels comfortable. I've thought about moving downstairs onto the sofa but I know that isn't going to help so I stay in bed. In my head I begin to make a list of things we have already got; crib – yes, bottle sterilisers – yes, clothes for the baby – yes. I do this for while which eases my mind but then I feel a strange sensation which is almost painful. It doesn't last that long, less than a minute but it is long enough to worry me. I contemplate waking Cory up but as the pain subsides I decide it is best not to. I go back to making lists but this time it's a list of things I don't have. I'm in the middle of doing this again when the pain comes back. I look over at my clock on the bedside table and notice how it has only been ten minutes since the pain first begun.
"Cory." I shake him a bit to try and wake him up.
"What?" he mumbles at me.
"Something doesn't feel right with the baby." I tell him while rubbing my bump. He looks at me for a moment while he processes what I said and then once he realises he sits up straight away.
"What is actually wrong?" he says though this time he sounds more awake. I tell him about the pain and I can see how concerned he is. "We should probably get you to a hospital. Hopefully it will be nothing but it is better to be safe than sorry. I'll go wake your mum." He tells me while rubbing my back trying to comfort me. I nod him along because the sooner I get to hospital, the better!
My mum rushes me straight into the car after Cory explains to her what is wrong. I can't help but worry that the baby is coming and I'm not ready for that at all. I still have four weeks until my due date and I know I don't have everything I need.
"Mum, what if the baby is coming now?" I ask my mum but I have never felt this small or scared before. My voice was more of whimper.
"We'll cross that bridge if we come to it. Hopefully that won't be today and even if it is, well they can do marvellous things with medicine these days. Everything will be fine." She says trying to calm me down.
"I hope so." I say back though my voice is barely a whisper. I'm not sure if anyone heard me.
The drive seems to take hours when in reality it didn't even take us twenty minutes to get to the hospital. Thankfully it doesn't take long for me to be taken into a room with a doctor to explain what is wrong. The doctor nods while I speak and scribbles notes down on a clipboard. The pain is still every ten minutes and because the intervals haven't become closer, the doctor says that is a good sign.
I am then told that an examination needs to be done so they can find out what is wrong, whether I am in labour or not. The whole experience is rather uncomfortable but I understand that it needs to be done.
"You're not in labour. You are experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions though. Very mild ones at that. It is nothing to worry about; it's a positive sign because it means your body is getting ready for labour. A lot of women don't feel them until the late stages of pregnancy, like you. If you experience this again then take advantage of them because they can be a useful opportunity to practice your breathing exercises which can help you prepare for the real thing. You should hopefully be able to distinguish a difference between Braxton Hicks and actual contractions so now you'll hopefully be able to realise when you are in labour." The doctor informs me after the examination.
I feel relieved to know that I won't be having a baby today and slowly I feel the panic begin to fade away. I tell my mum and Cory what the doctor said and both of them look relieved as well. By the time we get home it is close to five in the morning and a part of me wonders if there is any point getting sleep at all.
"Yes you should get some sleep. You'll only regret it once the baby actually does arrive because then you'll be wishing for sleep." I must have wonder out loud about getting some sleep because that is what my mother told me.
I make my way to bed and for once, I actually feel comfy when I lay down and I seem to get to sleep straight away. I only wake up when I hear raised voices from downstairs.
I get up to see who my mother could possibly be yelling at before it has even tuned midday. How I wish I had stayed in bed instead.
"Has it really been six months already since the last time we saw each other. These twice a year visits just keep coming round a lot quicker." I sarcastically say to my father who is stood in my kitchen. I see my mum look over at me with a warning look in her eyes and Cory is stood over in a corner as if he trying not to be seen. "What are we yelling about today? The price of fuel, the presideintial election, Brexit? Seriously there are so many things we could be upset about which leads to yelling the way you two were. Fill me in; I want to be a part of this." I say hoping to wind my father up.
"Kristen." My mum says sharply in a warning tone at the same time my father says "you."
"Me? Well that's my favourite subject to talk about. Are we talking about how amazing I am because I can gloat about that all day." I know it is working because I see my father clench his fists.
"Not quite. We were talking about the fact that you're keeping the baby. How stupid can you be?"
"Obviously very because I've just spent the last two minutes wasting my breath talking to you." I lash out at him. "Don't think you can come over here and start offering me fatherly advice because I'm not going to listen."
My mum shakes her head at me and I know I shouldn't have said it but it is true. He only gives out fatherly advice when there is a possibility his reputation could be ruined which is funny because I didn't think he had one to begin with.
"I don't understand why you are doing this. You've gone and ruined your whole life now. Having a kid while you're in your teens is just damn irresponsible and in less than a year's time you'll regret the whole damn thing." My dad doesn't yell when he says this to me which makes it worse because it sounds like he cares. I've always preferred it when he yells.
"You had me when you were in your teens. At least now I understand why you've never been there for me. It's because you 'regret the whole damn thing.'" I say to him, trying to make sure that my voice doesn't break.
My father doesn't say anything in return, no 'of course not darling' or 'you're something I could never regret'. Instead it just confirms that I'm the biggest mistake in his life.
"Darren you need to leave." I hear my mum say though it barely registers in my brain.
"No I don't. She needs to pull herself together and realise that keeping this baby will be the biggest mistake of her life. She should put it up for adoption."
"Why do you even care? You've never helped me while I was growing up other than send some money every month. Never came to visit me and never wanted me to come see you at your house. I would see other kids in the school playground with both their parents and it made me wonder why you didn't love me. You've always pretended that you cared though by showing up at parent's evenings as if that mattered. It doesn't. It makes you a fraud in my eyes because I'd rather you be out of my life completely. You don't get to have a say on what I do with my child, only I do and I don't want you anywhere near it." I don't yell at him, in fact I stay relatively calm which makes the ordeal scarier.
No one says anything but everyone is looking at me; my mum stares at me before putting her head into her hands, Cory looks stunned as if he can't believe what I just said and my father looks taken a back.
"You may be the spitting image of your mother but we all know that deep inside you are more like me. You don't hold back your words; you let everyone know what it is you are thinking. And Kristen, I am sure there is a part of you that keeps debating whether or not you should keep this baby."
"I'm sixteen and having a baby, of course I wonder sometimes if I am doing the right thing, who wouldn't? I do know that I am going to do everything I can to make sure that this baby knows it is loved and well cared for. But one thing is for certain, I am nothing like you. Please will you leave now?"
I walk out of the kitchen because I don't want to say another word to him. I hear footsteps behind me so I know that someone has followed me.
"Well it seems like your dad hasn't changed much since the last time I met him." Cory says to me, trying to make me laugh. I manage to crack a smile.
"I'm shocked he didn't try to kill you." I put my arms around him and lean into his chest. He holds me close to his body and I feel myself start to relax.
"He did but that was while you were still in bed. No, he did yell at me and then yelled at your mum saying she shouldn't have let me moved in, which he had only just found out, and then went onto say how once we have had this baby we'll be popping out another in no time. And then you came down."
"Trust me; I'm not making that mistake twice. Why did he even come round though?" I ask because it was pretty random of him to come round.
"I think your mum let him know about last night. It came as a bit of a shock to him, finding out that you are going through with the pregnancy. Anyway, I've not had chance to ask yet, how are you feeling this morning?" For a moment I had no idea what he was on about and then I remembered about last night.
"I feel fine. I had almost forgotten about that after this morning's drama." I tell Cory who pulls me in closer though it doesn't really work because of how big my bump is. When I finally pull away, I decide that it is probably a good idea to get dressed, and by get dressed I mean squeeze myself into something.
"I can't believe he did that." I say to my mum later on in the day.
"I can't believe the way you spoke to him. Ordinarily I would tell you off for speaking to someone like that but he deserved it. On the plus side you only have a few more weeks left of actually being pregnant." I smile back at her unable to believe how quickly the last few months have gone. That Halloween party seems like another lifetime ago now. Even the London trip is starting to feel like a distant memory.
Next month I'll have a baby. Next month I'll be a mother. Next month my life will be turned upside down.