Chapter 15: Letting Go
*if you haven’t noticed, all my chapter names start with ‘a’ or ‘an’. The fact that this one does not means it’s a special chappie ;)
Melanie
I walk into Mariah’s house, on account that her door is unlocked. It annoys the fuck outta me when she does that, it’s not safe! She comes from out of the kitchen. “Hey girl! What’d you wanna talk about?”
I follow her to her dining room and take a seat at the table, throwing my purse on the ground. I put my head down on the wood. Dear God (I say that a lot, don’t I?) it’s a lot. “Life.”
She chuckles and sits down too. “What about it? What did Roc do now?”
I sit back up and rest my head on my hand. “Chresanto didn’t do anything wrong, to be honest. It’s not him that’s the problem, it’s me.”
“Ok, what’d you do now.”
“Well- you already know I have major trust issues.” Mariah knows a lil bit, but she doesn’t necessarily know any details about my father or the others.
“Yep.”
“And when Chris proposed to me I didn’t say no- because I love him and I guess marriage is something-“
“WAIT. WHAT.” She yells, interrupting me mid-sentence.
“What???” I reply.
“HE PROPOSED???”
“Didn’t I tell you??”
“NO!!! MEL!!!”
“I’m sorry I’m sorry! A lot has been going on the past few-“
“THAT’S NO EXCUSE. YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU’RE FREAKING ENGAGED AND YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME!” She squeals.
“I’m sorry, ok? But yea. He did.”
“Holy shit. But didn’t ya’ll just start going out?”
“Well- I mean it’s complicated. We technically just got back together. It’s not like a rushed thing, because we’ve known each other for years.”
She fans herself. “I mean… holy shit. You’re gonna marry Roc Royal from mindless behavior.”
“Well that’s a might. If you let me finish my story.”
“Ok, ok. Continue.”
“Like I said, I accepted it, because marriage is something that I’m a little okay to do with him because I love him enough to do it. This is what I’m sure of.”
“So what’s the issue?”
“The issue is,” I sigh. “I can’t let the past fucking go. I’m trying so hard to just forget about it and just trust him and stop pushing him away because in the back of my head, I know that I do. But I can’t. I have no idea why. I mean,” I hold my head in my hands out of frustration. I love him so much, so why can’t I do it? “Jesus Christ. It’s like as soon as we get closer I push him farther away. And I just don’t know why.” I find myself choking up. Lawd. I’m not even a crier, but the emotions that man can make me feel are strong as fuck.
“Ok. I understand what you mean.”
“Yea, and it’s killing him. He knows that he doesn’t have all of me and I can see the constant disappointment in his eyes. I wanna give him what he wants, my full love and trust and commitment, but I’m struggling. And I don’t want to. Plus he keeps going lighting fast with all this marriage stuff. It feels like he just proposed and now I’ve quit my job and he wants to start packing up my house and start planning the wedding and I’m just like,” I throw my hands up in a wtf pose.
“Have you told him all this?”
“Of course not. He’s not a sensitive person, but when I tell him things like ‘I don’t wanna go as fast as you’re going, Chris’ his feelings get hurt. And he keeps telling me that I’m selfish so I don’t want to be even more selfish and hurt his feelings.” My plan is to fix myself so that I don’t have to try and stop the engagement. He’s so excited about it, I mean.
“Okay, but the fact that you’re feeling all this and he doesn’t know it is really sad. I mean, he thinks you’re just as into it as he is.”
“I know. That’s why I’m trying to solve my problem so I can be into it like him.”
Mariah’s eyebrows draw upward and she blows out air while sitting back in her chair. “Damn Melanie. I wish I could help you, but I mean, I don’t know everything. I can’t tell you what’s going on inside yourself. But I do think you should tell him. You should get it all out in the open with him, and then maybe you’ll find your solution that way. Keeping things bottled up inside is never good.”
“But it’ll seriously hurt his feelings. Think about it. I tell him I’m not actually ready to get married and he will be crushed. I can’t do that, Rih. I really can’t.”
“Well then tell him you need a little time. Or maybe space. So you can think all by yourself and really, really understand what it is that you want. I think that’ll help you.”
“He’s not going to like that either.”
“Well okay, then just keep it all inside and then wait til your wedding day and at the altar be like, wait, babe, I’m not actually ready to get married ok I’m freaking out I need more time sooo bye. Then run out in your wedding dress and pack up all your things from your house and move to Kentucky.” She says sarcastically and I roll my eyes. “Mel. Tell him.”
“I can’t.” I will not hurt his feelings. I will not.
“You have to.”
“No.”
“What the fuck are you trying to talk to me for if you aren’t going to actually take my advice??”
I sigh. I hate this. I really hate this. What the hell is wrong with me?? I wish I could be normal. I wish I wasn’t this way. “Ok. I will talk to him.”
After a little moment of silence, “So, whose gonna walk you down the aisle?” She smiles. I can tell she’s excited about this too. Why is everyone more excited than me?
“I don’t know. Probably Jacob.” I can’t help but smile. I can smile when I think about it, but when I realize it’s actually happening, I tend to hyperventilate.
“Why don’t you ask your dad to do it???”
“You’re kidding right. We don’t speak.”
“Mel.”
“Stop saying my name like that. I don’t want anything to do with him.”
“Damn girl. You really can’t let anything go, can you?”
I shrug.
--
When I return home, it’s late in the afternoon. Jacob and Isabella still aren’t home, and no one’s in the living room. When I walk upstairs I hear a toilet flush. Chresanto steps out of the hall bathroom, dressed in loose clothes looking sexy. I give him a smile, but I feel like it’s a weak one. He follows me into my bedroom.
“Hey.” He says and closes the door behind us.
“Hey.”
“How was your day?”
“Good.” I nod.
“You’re keeping something from me.”
I look away from his eyes, which I should have known was a big mistake.
“You’ve been acting weird. What is it that you’re hiding?” He steps forward and, of course, softly guides my face to meet his eyes. I feel the familiar leap in my chest. Will I ever be able to get over this eye contact thing?? He’s forcing more than usual because I know he wants to break it, but. It ain’t helping. “Please tell me. You know you can tell me anything. Please tell me.”
“I know I can tell you everything, Chresanto.” I tell him. “I know.”
“Then what is it? It’s not the fight is it? Are you still mad at me?”
I smile sadly and shake my head. No baby, it’s really not you. It’s me.
“Is it because of the way I handled you? I promise I won’t touch you that way again. I was angry. I promise I’ll be gentle. Is that it?”
I shake my head no again. I can’t find the words I want to say. Damn I need Mariah. I should have asked her before I left what to tell him. But then again, he’s not her fiancé. He’s mine.
“Tell me.” He says and lightly presses his lips to mine in a slow, sweet kiss. He pulls away, “Please.”
“I just,” I begin. I really wish he’d let me look away. I don’t wanna see the look on his face when I tell him I need space from him. “I just think you’re going too fast, Chrissy. Too much is happening all at once for me. I just need some time… and I need some space.”
He waits before answering. “Ok. We can go somewhere if you’d like. I can take you back to San Antonio. Or maybe if you wanna go somewhere else. Anywhere else. I’ll take you, and we can just relax.”
I shake my head. “I need some space from you.”
His head jerks back in surprise and he gets this look of chresanto-hurt on his face. Then he looks away.
He. Freaking. Looks. Away.
He never breaks eye contact with me ok. When he does, I know that what I said really hit him.
“So… what? You don’t want me to be here?”
“No, no. I just think I need some time to-“
“You don’t want to get married do you? Damn it, Melanie. If you weren’t ready for it why’d you say yes??” He hisses at the floor. He won’t look at me. Please don’t let this be another fight. I refuse to fight with him anymore.
“I do want to get married, though! I love you. It’s seriously not you, Chresanto. It’s me.”
He snorts to himself and shakes his head.
“Look, I’m not trying to call it off. There’s just a lot going on with me and I’m trying to get rid of it all before I start doing this, so I can stop being selfish and I can stop pushing you away and all this shit can just stop and we can be happy. That’s all. It’s hard for me to do that with you always-”
“No I get it, I get it. I thought we were on the same page. I don’t have to think about being with you, but you have to think about being with me. I swear to God Melanie I thought we loved each other the same. But it becomes clearer and clearer every day that I’m the sucker. I obviously love you more than you love me. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before-“
“Chris, that’s not true. Please don’t try to turn this into something it’s not.”
“Well I mean, that’s what it sounds like to me. You have a hard time being around me all the time, right? You want space from me. Meanwhile, I’m over here wanting to spend every waking hour with you. That’s what you’re saying right now.”
“No, I’m really not.” I try to save myself, but he just can’t understand. “Please, I’m not saying any of that.
“It’s ok baby girl.” He says. He gives me a little kiss on the cheek. “Take as much time as you need. I’ll just grab some stuff and I can stay over a friend’s house. It’s no big deal. I still love you alright?” He says and starts rummaging through his clothes.
“I don’t want you to stay somewhere else, babe, I just wanted us to-“
“Mel. It’s okay. I asked you to tell me what was going on so I could help fix it. If you need space, I will give it to you. Just call me when you want me to come back, and then we can start talking about grown-up stuff again. I’m not angry, I promise.” He’s such a liar, cause he’s still not looking at me.
I’ve hurt his feelings. But what the hell else was I supposed to do? UGH. I never know what the right thing to do is. I never fucking know. “Chresanto. Don’t leave. I’m not asking you to leave.”
He stops packing and looks at the ceiling. “Then what do you want Melanie.”
“Well first I want you to really understand what I’m saying here. I’m not saying I’m not ready to marry you. I’m not saying I’m tired of being around you. I’m just trying to tell you that I have to figure out some things before we really start doing this, because if I don’t everything’s just going to end in disaster. I promise you. It’s not you, it’s really, really just me. You aren’t doing anything wrong.”
He shakes his head at himself again and I wish he would stop. “Soooo what? What should I do?”
“Let’s just… slow down. And just give me some space. That’s all.”
“Ok.” He nods and finally his eyes meet mine again. This time, I don’t look away. He marches towards me and backs me up against the wall. He leans in close to my face, almost kissing me but not quite. His eyes run up and down my face carefully. “Ok.” He says again and leans in, aggressively kissing me. His tongue quickly invades my mouth and his hands arm on my waist, pushing me up against the wall more. He comes as close as possible, pressing the front of his body on mine and I’m covered in warmth. When his hands roam all over me I moan softly in his mouth. He removes his lips from mine and plants multiple kisses on my jawline. Letting out a deep sigh, he rests his head on my shoulder and I wrap my hand around his neck, the feeling of his curls tickling my fingers. “Anything you need, I’ll do it.”
“Thank you, Chris.”
He looks up and nods solemnly. I can still tell he’s kind of hurt. “You know I love you to death but you’re killing me, baby.” He says quietly.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
He walks out and I softly shut the door behind him and plop on the bed to pull out my laptop to maybe take away some stress. I’ve done enough thinking for today.
--
Chresanto
I walk calmly down the stairs and head straight for the kitchen to grab whatever liquor is in there. Should I be doing that? No. Am I going to? Yes. Don’t worry, it’s not an addiction problem anymore. But I still use it when I’m stressed out. It’s something I’m still working on.
I pour some of her vodka in a glass and drink it. The fucking stuff I have to go through with this girl is unbelievable. No matter how hard I try, there’s always a problem. We just can’t catch a break. Maybe this wasn’t really meant to be.
I drink more to stop myself from overthinking it, because last time I overthought and that was why I broke up with her. I know in the back of my head I should stop, but I just can’t.
I sit on the couch and turn the t.v on and Rocky comes and jumps on the couch next to me.
At about 1 o clock in the morning I decide to turn in and head upstairs. I open the door to my room, because I want to give Mel her stupid ‘space’. I yank off my clothes so that I’m left in my boxers and angrily pull back my sheets. After putting my phone on it’s charger, I turn off my lights. Then my phone beeps, indicating I got a text message.
From: Baby Girl<3
was that you walking around just now?
I shake my head and smile a little bit.
To: Baby Girl<3
yes. Why?
From: Baby Girl<3
Watcha doing?
To: Baby Girl<3
What is it that you want, Mel?
It takes her a little longer to reply.
From: Baby Girl<3
Can you come in here?
To: Baby Girl<3
Had enough space already?
I smirk to myself.
From: Baby Girl<3
*rolls eyes* I can’t stand you. But this bed feels empty without you in it, so come in here and hold me, chris. You know I don’t like sleeping alone.
To: Baby Girl<3
ok. Coming.
From: Baby Girl<3
And wipe that stupid smirk off your face
I laugh and get out of bed. I creep into her room without turning on the lights and get on my side of the bed. As soon as I’m in, her arms wrap around me and I wrap mine around hers and we fall asleep without another word.
--
I don’t really have anything to do during the day, since Mel’s staying holed up in her room. So I sit on the couch, angry at the world. I should have known I was pushing it too much. I mean, I just thought that since July was going to be over soon and we were set to leave mid-August we needed to start planning now. I should have known I should have given her more time. I should have fucking known.
My phone rings and its Mariah. “Hello?”
“Hey Roc.”
“If you’re looking for Melanie she’s currently hiding in her room, she’s probably not taking calls so I won’t bring the phone to her.”
“I didn’t call for Mel. I called for you.”
I raise my eyebrow. “Um, ok? What is it?”
“So she’s told you about her space right?”
I swallow harshly. “Yea.”
“Well when she came over to talk to me about it, I mentioned her father walking down the aisle.”
“I don’t really see where you’re going with this, Mariah.”
“It gave me an idea. A really, really good one. One that could really change things for the better.”
“Are you going to tell it to me?”
“Don’t sass me, boy.” When she says that, I smile. It’s amazing how similar Mel and the people she hangs around are. Even Princeton has picked up some of her habits, and vice versa. What Mariah just said sounds exactly like something that would come out of her mouth. “She once told me that she would talk to her dad again if she had a little push-“
“Hm.” I say. I don’t see what this has got to do with anything.
“Do you not see what I’m getting at here?”
“No.”
“I’ve never had enough influence over her to get her to go talk to him. But I think you can. And I think maybe if she can squash that grudge she’s been holding for so long then it’ll be easier for her to squash the one she has with you.”
I sit back on the couch and think about this. Ehhh I don’t know. I do this, and she could end up being even more pissed off at me. “I don’t know about that.”
“Trust me. I really, really think it could help.”
“I’ll think about it. But even if we do this, it’ll have to wait til she’s ready to start being my fiancé again.”
“When do you think that’ll be?”
“I don’t know.”
“Ok. We can talk more about it later- let me figure out the details first.”
“Okay. Bye.” I say and hang up.
Just then, Princeton comes out and sits on the couch next to me. “You have been spending an unusual amount of time on this couch staring at that t.v, my friend.”
I shrug.
“Melanie?”
I nod.
He laughs. “I’m going out to buy lunch. You should come with me.”
“Gladly.” I run upstairs real quick to grab my shoes, but the ones I want are in Mel’s room. I softly knock on the door, but I don’t wait for her response. I walk in and grab them, but our eyes meet right as I’m about to walk out and I stop. I want to say something, but once again I’m speechless. I figure it’s just best if I don’t say anything so I quickly walk out. “Where are we going?” I ask Prince.
“Umm I don’t know. KFC.” He says. Yea buddy. Luv me sum fryed chiken ;)
--
A week later, Isabella suggests a double date. Bowling, like we always used to do. Melanie agrees, but she’s still giving me the cold shoulder. Although I still sleep with her at night, we literally have not said one word to each other for an entire week. It’s depressing me.
We all take the same car, and I drive while Melanie sits in the front. When well pull out to the alley, she waits for me to open her door for her, which I guess is a good thing. Then she grabs my hand as we walk in. I can’t exactly tell if it’s for public or not. I order both of our shoes and we go to our assigned alley while Prince and Bella order theirs. When she sits down, I get down on my knees and slide her Jordans off and begin putting the old bowling shoes on. I look up at her and she kind of smiles at me, and then Princeton and Isabella come over and our moment is ruined.
While Prince puts our names in the monitor, we sit on the chairs and wait. Suddenly, I hear her voice. “So, I think I’ve had enough time, Chresanto.”
I look in her direction, legitimately surprised. “Really?”
“Yea.” She nods. “I’m still having a hard time letting what happened between us four years ago go, but I definitely feel like I can breathe again. And I’ve had time to register what’s about to happen.”
I should probably be happy, but I’m not. It’s just… I mean it will always bother me that in order to be able to move forward, she had to freaking spend time away from me. She claims I’m not the problem, but it just doesn’t feel that way. “Cool.”
“Cool?” She says.
“Yea.” I say simply. “I’m happy for you.”
“Chris…” I look at her and she’s looking at me confusedly.
“What??” The main problem for me is now I’m going to be tip toeing around her even more, never knowing when to stop or go. She’s so sensitive to everything. Dammit. “Mel, I think that’s great. I’m happy, really.” Whatever. I’ll keep it to myself. I’ll get over it eventually.
“Alright.” Prince claps his hands loudly. “Let’s do boys against girls this time. Roc- you’re up first.”
--
When we return home from the bowling alley and getting dinner, it’s late.
“Baby boy, I’m really sorry if you’re still upset about me wanting space. I can’t express enough how it’s not-“
“I know, it’s not me it’s you.” I reply as we both get ready to go to sleep.
She sighs. “Chresanto. Please tell me that you’re okay and that you understand.” She waits for me to get in the bed with her.
“I understand, baby girl.” I get in and kiss her forehead. Of course I don’t understand. But like I said- I’ll get over it.
“You sure? I mean, I know I took a whole week from talking to you and that-“
“I understand. I’m just ready to put all this drama past us so we can get on with our lives.”
“Yea.” She says quietly. “Me too.”
“In fact, I have somewhere I wanna take you tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
I nod and reach over to the dresser to text Mariah real quick.
To: Mariah
Im gonna do it tomorrow. Text me his address.
And turn off the lights.
--
“Ok. And he knows we’re coming, right?” I ask her on the phone the next day. She texted me the address- it’s not that far away from here. But I’m kind of freaking out. I really hope this is the right thing to do.
“Yep. I called him and talked to him- I pretended to be Mel. You have to make sure she goes in there, Roc.”
“I will. I just hope you’re right about this.”
“Me too.” She says and hangs up. Jeez, yet another habit she’s probably developed from Mel. Neither of them say goodbye properly on the phone- they just hang up.
“Who was that?” Melanie says, suddenly behind me.
“Oh, uh just Mariah.”
“What’d she want?”
“Nothing. It’s a surprise. Are you ready to go?”
She looks down at her outfit. “Well I think I am. I’m not really sure if I’m dressed correctly, considering how you won’t tell me where we’re going.” She smiles.
I smile back. “You’re dressed fine. Now go wait in the car, I’ll be out in a minute.”
I walk past her and softly knock on the master’s. Bella answers it. “Hey is Prince in there?”
“Ya.” She says sleepily.
“Tell him we’re about to leave and I’ll text him what happens.” I told him about it, and he thinks it’s a great plan. Me? I’m still on the fence about it.
“Hmmf mf.” She mumbles and shuts the door. It’s like 1 o clock, why the hell are they still sleep??
Anyways, I run out to the car and quickly pull out the drive way.
“It must be something big cause your knee keeps bouncing up and down.” Mel says, looking at me. I quickly glance her way.
“Put your seatbelt on.” I demand. She never wears it *rolls eyes*
She sighs but puts it on anyway. “Seriously, where are we going??”
“You’ll find out. Relax boo, I gotchu.” I send a wink her way and she laughs.
Thankfully, she falls asleep in the car before we can reach our destination. When I pull up to the house, she doesn’t stir. “Mel, hey. Wake up.” I softly shake her leg. She murmurs something and sits up. She doesn’t recognize the house immediately, so she looks around “Where are-“ She starts, but then it clicks and she looks at me with wide eyes. “This is the house I grew up in.”
“Yea. Your dad’s in there, waiting for you.”
“Wha-I-“ She looks back and forth from me to the house, then shakes her head. “What???”
“Mariah told me that you once said you’d try talking to your father again if someone pushed you hard enough.”
“I-I-I said that like a year ago.”
I shrug. When she doesn’t say anything after that, “Babe, I love you and I want you to be happy. You know that right?”
She nods her head apprehensively.
“Well I think this’ll be good for you. Kill whatever this tension you have with your dad and just let it go. Maybe then things will be a little easier for you.”
“Chresanto, It’s been years-“
Now you can’t baby her, Roc. You know she’s gonna refuse the hell out of it but you have to push her. Mariah told me earlier. “I know how long it’s been.”
She just keeps shaking her head. “Pull out. You can’t make me do anything I don’t want to.”
“I’m really not asking Mel. I’m telling you to go in there.”
“I can’t.”
“Look at me.” I say and when she does her eyes are big and scared. I hold her cheek with one of my hands. “You and I both know you gotta do this. You can’t hold all these grudges forever. That’s what you can’t do. Trust me. Don’t you trust me?”
She slowly nods yes. “But what am I even supposed to say??”
“Tell him how you feel.”
“Chresanto I can’t.”
“Yes you can, and you will.”
She breaks away from my stare and stares at the house. She looks like she’s about to cry. “I can’t go in that house again.”
I sigh. I’m about 10 seconds from apologizing and pulling out of the driveway and taking her home, just so she doesn’t cry. I didn’t even realize how much I baby her until now. “Stop saying you can’t. Yes. You. Can.”
“You don’t know what it was like for me!” She suddenly snaps at me.
“You aren’t the only one who lost their mother at a young age and their father bailed on them! I do know what it’s like to be abandoned by both parents, Mel! Have you forgotten that quick??” I snap right back.
She leans down and cradles her head with her hands. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“It’s fine.” I say, annoyed.
We sit in silence for a good ten minutes, then she takes a deep breath. “Will you go in there with me?”
“Of course I will.”
“Ok.” She says and slowly unbuckles her seatbelt and opens her door. When we walk up to the front of the house she doesn’t ring the doorbell, so I do it for her. A tall, brown skinned man who doesn’t look a day past 50 answers the door. Mel’s parents must have had her at a young age. He doesn’t even acknowledge me, he just stares at her and she looks up at him.
“Hi, glad you decided to finally stop by.” He says awkwardly. She just looks at him, jaw clenched, not saying a word. “Come in.”
I can see the resemblance between the two. I mean, she looks just like him. I wonder what her mother looks like. All I know is that she’s white, but Melanie’s complexion is closer to mine, so I don’t see how she could possibly look like her mother. When we walk in I immediately scan the room for pictures of her, but there are none.
“Who’s your friend?” Her dad asks, looking at me suspiciously. I sort of laugh to myself at the fact that he still has the fatherly instinct even though he hasn’t been in her life for such a long time.
“He’s not my friend, he’s my fiancé. His name’s Chris.” She says flatly. I look at her and she’s looking around the house too, her eyes still sad. It probably brings back all kinds of memories- good and bad. Her dad reaches out to shake my hand and he squeezes just a little too hard. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Brown.” I smile slightly. We all take a seat on the couches, Mel and I on one and he on the one facing ours.
“My god, Melanie, you’ve grown up.” He sort of smiles at her, but she’s not giving into it.
“Yes I have. No thanks to you.” She spits bitterly at him.
He sighs and looks embarrassed for a quick second. “You’re still upset about what happened-“
“How can I not still be upset??” She hisses. “Do you have any idea what that did to me, Dad?”
I shift awkwardly on the couch and I feel like I’m an intruder. I really shouldn’t listening to this.
“Pumpkin,”
“DON’T call me pumpkin.”
He swallows hard and looks at the ground. “Melanie, I know what I did was wrong. I’ve been trying to reach out to you for years,”
“It wasn’t just wrong. It was awful. I was naïve and young and when I needed you the most you just… you..” Her voice cracks. Oh lord. I can’t sit here and watch this.
“You don’t seem to understand that she left me too. I loved her and she just disappeared out of the blue. I didn’t know-“
“That doesn’t justify what you did!”
“Please don’t yell at me,”
“No! Stop! Don’t ask me to do anything for you! You just-“
“You’ve always been so stubborn.” He shakes his head. “I can’t apologize enough-“
“No, dad, you really can’t.” She cuts her eyes at him.
“If I could take back what I did I would I was in pain, and I was too young to know how to handle it properly. Not a day goes by that I’m not thinking of how badly I messed up and I regret it every single hour. And no matter how many times I apologize or how much money I give you I know that I’ll never be able to make it up to you. But I’m just asking you to forgive me. Please.” He looks at her with solemn eyes.
She looks at the ground and looks at me.
“Melanie, come here.” He stands up and opens his arms. “I’m begging you to forgive me. Isn’t that why you came here?”
She stands up and he hugs her. He holds her tight, just like I do. They hug for a really, really long time and I’ve never felt more awkward in my life. I silently thank God that mel didn’t end up crying.
Moments later, we’re sitting in the kitchen at the table while Mr. Brown starts making us something to drink. Melanie states she has to go the bathroom and gets up, leaving me alone with him.
“So, you’re my daughter’s fiance?” He eyes me.
“Uh, yes sir.” I gulp.
“When did you two meet?”
“We met a little more than four years ago.”
“I see.” He sits down and squints at me. “When did you propose?”
“Uh I, uh, I proposed at the beginning of this month.”
“Interesting.” He takes a sip of his coke and sets the glass back down at the table and glares at me. Melanie comes back in the room, breaking the silence.
“I think we’re gonna leave.” She says quietly as she leans against the kitchen door frame.
His attention goes to her. “Leave? You don’t want to stay longer? I thought you might want to fill me in on everything that’s been-“
“I’d really rather not. Not today, anyway.” When she sees the sad look on her dad’s face, she seems to soften up a bit. “It’s just being here is a lot. That’s all. It’s a lot for just one day.”
“No, no it’s okay. I get it.” He stares at his glass and I feel sorry for the poor guy.
“Dad.”
“Yes?”
“Did you ever find out where Mom went?”
This time, he gulps. “Uh yes, I did.”
She looks down at the ground. “Do you know where she is now?”
“Pumpkin,” He hesitates. “Your mother died a few years ago.”
I can see her gasp slightly and tears begin to rim her eyes. She closes them for a few seconds and then comes and sits down at the table. When she sits, she clutches on to my hand for dear life. “She… died?” She bites down on her lower lip.
“She was sick.” Her father breathes. I can tell it’s hard for him too. “I have something for you. I’ll be right back.” He gets up and disappears into the living room and she starts biting her nails. I turn her face toward me (but she keeps her eyes down) and wipe her tears away with my thumbs. “Hey, look at me.” When she doesn’t, “Look at me, baby girl.” Her eyes meet mine and I hold her stare. I don’t know what to say, so I just hold her face in my hands and look her in the eyes, trying to communicate through them. I know we used to be able to do that before, however, that connection hasn’t been there lately.
Her father comes back and we quickly regain our original positions. He hands her an aging envelope. “This was from her. Before she died.”
“She wrote this to me??” Melanie says, her voice almost a whisper.
“Yes. I would’ve given it to you sooner, but,”
“I ignored you. I know.” Shakily, she takes the envelope from him and stares at it. “Well, like I said. We’re gonna go.” She grabs my hand and leads me towards the front door. He follows behind us.
“Melanie, promise me that you’ll visit me again. Please don’t start ignoring me again.”
“I won’t.”
“Ok.” He gives her one final hug. “Love you.”
“Love you too Daddy.” And with that, we’re out the door.
--
Melanie
I stare down at the letter in my hands while sitting on my bed. I haven’t opened it yet. Although I’m extremely thankful for Chresanto pushing me to go talk to my dad, I asked him to leave me alone for this part. This part is private.
I do feel like just a little bit of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel ridiculous- holding such a large grudge over something that was just easily forgiven in one day. I feel like I was always ready to let it go- I just never gave any effort to it.
But there’s still weight. There’s still weight on my shoulders from my mother, and I feel like it’ll be lifted if I open this letter but I can’t bring myself to do it. What if she says awful things in it, like she’s not even sorry for leaving us like she did? What if she tells me that she left because of me, or because she didn’t want to be a part of our family anymore? Or even worse, what if she doesn’t explain why she did? Then I’ll never know. I won’t know because she’s dead now.
Just the thought of her being dead makes me tear up. I mean, I hated her for a long period of time, but at the end of the day, she’s still my mommy.
I swallow and choke back my tears and rip open the envelope. I immediately recognize her handwriting and I can no longer can control my sobs. How am I gonna read this??? I put the paper to the side so my tears don’t mess up any of the words. I get myself under control and pick it up again and read.
Dear Melly Belly,
By the time you read this, I’ll probably already be gone. Goodness, darling, there’s so much I want to say to you but so little time. I have no idea how old you’ll be when you read this, but hopefully you’re old enough to understand.
There were some things that came up in my life after having you. I cannot stress enough how difficult it was for me to function. Truth is, your father and I started too early. Ive never been good with words, so I’m not sure how to exactly phrase it, but I was going insane. You probably won’t remember this, but there was a time when I pushed you and you fell. Hard. We had to take you to the emergency room and you had to get stitches. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I did know that I had to leave before I hurt you again. I figured that you both would be better off without me, so I left.
I have to put the paper to the side again, because the tears just keep flowing and no matter how hard I try to emotionally detach myself- I can’t.
I know that was a mistake. I was being selfish and foolish. There’s nothing more I want in the world than to turn back time and stay with you all. I’m so sorry for just leaving you, Melly. I thought it was the right thing. I had no idea that it would affect you the way it did. Please know that I’m not trying to make excuses. I just want you to truly know how I feel. I hope you don’t still hate me. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I don’t think I’d be able to take it if you didn’t.
Sometimes people hurt the ones they love without trying. It’s human, Melanie. I’ve done it, your fathers done it, your future husband will do it. It’s just a part of life. But you can’t hold on to it forever. Although I didn’t know you very long, even at a young age you held grudges for the longest. You have to forgive and forget, because you love them and that’s what people who love each other do.
I’m sorry that I missed your life. I wish I could’ve been there for your graduation, or your first crush, your spelling bee, seen you off to college, gushed over you in your wedding gown. But unfortunately I can’t, and that is my biggest regret. Don’t end up like me. Don’t miss out on the good things in life because you’re afraid of the bad. This is the very best piece of advice I can give to you.
I love you, Melly Belly. I hope you still love me too. Hopefully I’ll see you again someday in heaven.
Mommy
I cover my mouth with my hand and lie down and start bawling. I can’t control it, it all just flows out of me like a waterfall. Chris rushes into the room as if he was waiting for it all along, and picks me up and sets me on his lap. I grip on to his neck and cry into his chest. He rubs my back while holding me. I love him. I love him so much. I can’t keep pushing him away because I’m scared. I have to let go.
I really do forgive you, mommy.
“Chris,” I cry. I feel like a big fucking baby, but I can’t even think straight. It feels like I can’t breathe.
“It’s okay.” He says softly.
“Chris,” I start talking in between my crying. “Chris,” sob
“I” sob
“forgive” sob
“You.”
And just like that, it feels like the rest of the weight is off my shoulders.
--
Blerggg how was it?
COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT
-SierraRAWR