As Jax and I sat on the swings in the park
I was trying to figure out a way
to ask Jax about himself,
about why he decided to be there for me
when he had no reason to,
about his family,
and lastly,
about his dislike for Christianity.
I didn't know why
but for some reason
Jax always managed to deflect any questions about himself
that people ask him.
He was a mystery
and yes,
I had to admit
I was intrigued,
but mainly,
I wanted to know
because he knew so much about me.
He still didn't know about Presley,
the bullying,
or how Daiha got in a coma in the first place,
but he knew about my panic attacks
he knew about my parents,
and he knew about Daiha's disorders.
But Jax?
All I knew about him
was that his mom married Grace's dad,
he had something against Christianity for some reason,
and that he was there for me.
Other than that?
nothing.
And I wanted to know more
because whenever I was with him
my heart beat faster
and that wasn't necessarily a good thing
because the last time I trusted a guy with my heart
he ripped it out
tore it apart
shattered it
and left me to pick up the pieces
and honestly?
I wasn't doing a good job of it.
It was more like
every time I tried to even touch a piece
that he left behind
I ended up cut
and bleeding
and crying
and not being able to breathe...
so maybe getting to know Jax
was a mistake
maybe he was going to break my heart too
but I didn't care
not at the moment anyways
because he was there
and I wanted to know more.
Then
before I even knew what I was doing
I gulped
and blurted out
"Why are you such a mystery?
you never tell me anything about you
and you know all this stuff about me
and I hardly think that's fair."
then I let out a breath
because it was good to say
even though I probably could've worded it better
and slowly led up to it..
I couldn't hold it in anymore though
because on the sleepless nights
when I wasn't thinking about Daiha
or drowning out my parents fights
or trying not to think of the nightmares,
I was thinking about Jax
wondering about his life
about the anchor tattoo on his arm
about the scars I've seen on his arms
not scars like Daiha
but scars like he's been in fights
and I just needed to know.
Jax looked down
and away from me
sighing before laughing slightly
"I was wondering
when you were going to start asking questions."
he paused for a second,
running his hand through his long blonde hair.
"I don't really like to talk about any of it very much"
I bit my lip
"I don't usually talk about things either...
I mean,
you found out from me yelling at my mom,
and the only person I've actually talked to
about everything
is Grace"
When I mentioned Grace
Jax shook his head,
and I could tell he was closing up.
"Please, Jax,
I want to know about you.
Whatever it is
that you don't want to talk about
I promise that I won't judge
or hate you because of it.
I mean,
look at my life,
at me.
I'm a mess"
I was rambling
I knew I was
but I was trying to get him to open up
to talk to me
to tell me anything
anything at all.
"Would you really not judge me?
Everyone else has.
God,"
he laughed scornfully
"everyone always says that.
they won't judge
they won't pity
they won't hate
they'll understand.
but they never understand
and they always judge
and pity
and hate.
So tell me
Delilah,
are you really
not going to judge me?"
He snapped,
running a hand over his face.
my heart stopped,
stunned.
I had to tell myself
that he didn't mean it
just so that I wouldn't cry
just so that I wouldn't stand up
and leave.
He was just hurt
he didn't mean it
he didn't mean it
he didn't mean it...
"I'm sorry"
he said,
kicking the woodchips.
"I just...
I never talk about--
about what happened,
to anyone,
and everyone always tries to get me to talk
but they never get
that I don't want to talk about it"
"I kinda get that
but I don't at the same time
because of my parents
and the way they are
ever since we moved here"
I said.
"Living here sucks.
I lived in Pennsylvania
before we moved in with Grace."
he said.
I didn't know
that he just moved here.
It might've explained
why I never really saw him before the hurricane though.
I just thought
it was because he was a junior
while I was a sophomore...
"Did you move
just because your mom
and Grace's dad got married?"
I asked
"Sort of.
It was also to get away
from everything that happened.
Living here does suck,
but I hate Pennsylvania more."
he said the last part
more to himself
than to me,
but it made me wonder
what happened in Pennsylvania.
So I asked him.
"What...
What happened in Pennsylvania?"
I asked
"You don't have to tell me"
I added quickly.
He shook his head
"I want to tell you
I really do.
But are you sure you want to know?
Because it's not rainbows and butterflies
and it sure as hell
isn't easy to hear
or talk about"
I paused,
because he was making it sound bad.
But how bad could it really be?
so I told him
that I wanted to know.
I told him
if he wanted to
he could tell me.
that I would listen.
Then,
he let out a breath,
and started to tell me
his story.
________
A/N
ahhhhhhh this is so mean of me, cause this is a major cliffhanger but hey, now I got you all hooked and waiting for the next chapter xD. the song attached is how I imagine Jax is feeling and yeah so you should listen to it^_^ don't worry, you guys will get to know Jax's story in the update! If I included it in this chapter, it would have been super super long, as in, way longer than usual, so therefore it will be in the next chapter! Anyways, you kinda got to see more of Jax and more of Delilah's thoughts about him when she isn't having a panic attack. let me know what you think in the comment section! I love reading all the comments:)
xox,
~Kim~