There’s a Jock in My Bed!
Chapter 21 – Santa Baby!
Song of the Chapter: Oh Santa! By Mariah Carey (2010)
This chapter is a stand-alone BONUS. You can literally skip to the next one and you will miss absolutely nothing. At all.
Evelyn was restless, moving up and down in the living room, walking back and forth with an unknown anticipation. I glanced at the clock. “You’ve been going in circles for the past thirty minutes Ev, Christmas isn’t going to come any quicker.
She stooped and peeked out the window through the blinds. “Why isn’t there any snow?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you go on the roof and shake your head and see what comes out?”
She stopped and looked at me for a second. Her eyes widened and then narrowed when she caught on. “You’re not funny, asshole. Why do you always have to such a Grinch during Christmas?”
I stopped reading the magazine and peered at her in shock, “I’m not a Grinch.” The doorbell rang, causing me to stop and answer.
Opening the door, there stood three men, all dressed in some type of gold cloak. “We’re the Three Wise Men and we’re here to tell you about Christmas.” The short, pudgy one in the middle said, with a cheery enthusiasm.
Before he could speak again, I raised my hand, “I’m sorry, I already know Jesus.” Slamming the door and grunting at the inconvenience they caused, I walked back to my space in the living room and sat, watching Evelyn and Kimmy decorate the tree for tomorrow.
They were so into it. Giggling, laughing and humming Christmas tunes all the way. Kimmy, dressed in a red dress with socks on and a Christmas hat, smiled as she placed stars and those round balls all over the authentic green pine tree that Bobby, Chris and I had cut down the day before. Kimmy peered over at me from the tall, decorated tree and picked up the star.
“You would like to put on the star Evan?”
I snorted. “So it can be torn down tomorrow? I don’t think so.” She frowned a bit and held it close to her chest.
“Be careful,” Chris said, entering the room with a box full of more decorations, “You don’t want to deflate those babies.” He joked, squeezing his chest and shaking them wildly. Bobby, beside him chuckled until Kim gave them a hard stare.
“The both of you shut up, Evan doesn’t want to help.”
Evelyn came in from the other side, “Yeah, he’s being a real Ebenezer tonight.”
I narrowed my eyes on the girls before shifting my gaze to the boys, “It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that…oh, wait, that is the reason.”
Chris rested the box near the tree and came over to me on the chair, “Dude, why not? It’s Christmas.”
“Yeah, yeah, Jingle Bells, Happy New years, bite me.”
His face went blank. “Sheesh, you’re worst than Scrooge, what’s next, you don’t believe in Santa?”
I stared at all of them for a moment. A collective gasped echoed through the house, over the lightly playing, annoying Christmas music.
“You guys cannot be serious. Don’t tell me high school kids still believe that fat man climbs down a chimney that he probably can’t even fit in and leaves presents?”
Evelyn clutched a paper bell until it cracked under the pressure of her grip. “Who else leaves us presents then?” Bobby, usually the rational one asked.
My eyes fellow open wide in shock, “Your parent’s hard earned money.”
“Damn Evan, you never had a single encounter with Santa?”
I stood. “No, but let me tell you all the story of Christmas. Sit.” Hesitantly, the all sat down.
Since they wanted to be treated like four year olds, might as well go the full mile with this.
“Okay, once in the magical land of, um, San Francisco, Land of Magic. There lived a little girl by name of…Selena. Now Selena was wonderful, beautiful and unique, she wanted to be an actress and a singer, though she should have stayed away from the singing part if you know what I mean.” I giggled.
Their faces on the other hand were straight and stone like. I coughed and cleared my throat through the awkwardness, “Okay then. One Night Selena asked Santa for a new cell phone because she was a good girl and all the kids in her preschool class had them and of course she didn’t want to be the only toddler without one. She would have spiraled into depression and eventually-.”
“Evan!” I jumped out of my thoughts and lowered my gaze to Chris, “Can you get to the Christmas part?”
“Fine.” I huffed, outraged. “One the night of Christmas Eve, she heard a sound down stairs and being the badass ninja she was, she got up to investigate.” I raised my hand to the sky, they followed them.
“Picture it, a man, tall and in a red suit way too tiny and tacky for him standing there. Why, she was terrified!”
I stopped for a moment to look at their gazes; they were so deeply enthralled in what I was saying. “Finish...” Bobby said softly.
I nodded and smiled gently, “Okay, so she was afraid at first but when the man gave her a gift, her eyes shined- shined like the star that led the wise men to Baby Jesus. But, upon opening the gift wrapped ever so wonderfully in green and red paper, she frowned. The gift was only a little doll. She had dolls, enough to build a Barbie army. The man in the suit explained to the melancholy, brunette girl that she had lived in a big house while others were homeless; she had loving parents while others were abusive. He explained that he had much more work to do for those people than her and that he would be happy if she accepted this little gift for being a good girl. She, with her heart of pure gold, smiled and took the gift in appreciation.”
I stopped and looked at them; Chris leaned in, “Well, what happened next?”
‘Oh yeah. She didn’t have any cookies or milk so he slit her throat and burned her in the furnace. The End.”
Their smiles, hopeful gazes and undivided, childlike attention shattered like glass. I started to laugh hysterically from the couch as they stood, outraged and upset.
“It’s not funny Evan.” Ev said, heading back over to the tree with Kim right behind her.
“I’m sorry,” I wheezed out, trying to stop laughing, “I’m sorry guys; it’s just that the best thing about Christmas is spiking the eggnog and watching Aunt Maryanne pretend she’s a reindeer during the Christmas dinner. Not some fat dude who doesn’t exist.”
They all stared at me with disappointment. What was there problem? Haven’t they heard of a joke, besides, they were high school kids, they shouldn’t still be day dreaming that Santa is the one who buys them all these expensive crap.
Chris sits down again, pulling Bobby with him. “We know Santa isn’t real Evan, it’s just that it’s nice to have a little imagination. Obviously you lack it.”
Bobby nodded, “Yeah, dude, why don’t you like Christmas?”
“Well since we’re playing twenty questions here’s one for you guys. Did I just get super smart or did you guys just get super stupid?”
The both of them scoffed. I chuckled, “I’m just playing boys. Look, tomorrow, we’ll have a great time and I’ll try to be more in the Christmas spirit I swear.”
We all when to bed, Kimmy slept in Evelyn’s room and Bobby in mine. Chris decided to crash on the couch downstairs and I didn’t argue with him. The less people in my bed the better.
During the night, I woke up after hearing a loud crashing sound down stairs. I rose and shook Bobby. He opened his eyes, rubbing them until the sleep had fully disappeared out of them. However, they were replaced with annoyance.
“Bobby, I heard something downstairs.”
He groaned and rubbed his eyes again, “What’s your point?” he growled.
“What if it’s a killer?” I stressed but he showed no kind of concern.
“Good. Maybe he can shut you up.” he dropped back against the pillow and drifted back to sleep. I rolled my eyes and got out of the bed.
Tiptoeing out the room, I grabbed the silver, metal baseball bat by the door and silently crept out.
A jingle like noise, followed by several low pitched grunts came from the living room where the girls were decorating. “Chris?”
There was dead silence. “Not a good sign…” I whispered through my shivers that were brought on not only by the chill of the December nights but by my fear that someone was indeed in the house.
I slowly crept into the room, holding my breath until my face was surely blue. Then somebody sneezed…sneezed?
I cut on the lights near the entrance and rushed in. “Okay, fucker. You picked the wrong house to rob!”
He pivoted around and I coked my head. Standing there, with a beige colored sack in his white gloved covered hands, red suit and all was…“Santa?”
“No, Marilyn Monroe.” he retorted with sarcasm, dropping the bag at his feet.
I backed a bit, “Okay, freak. I don’t know what kind of dirty fetish you’ve got going on but the costume is freaking me out. I prefer to get robbed by a normal human being.”
“What are you talking about, I’m really Santa.” His deep, husky voice spoke again.
“Yeah, and I’m Queen Latifah,” I pointed to my chest and squeezed a nipple, “and these are my perky, chocolate bosoms.”
He came closer, I raised my bat in defense but he only chuckled like only Santa could. “Oh, Evan. You make me laugh.”
I held my position and look at him with squinted eyes, “How do you know my name?”
“Santa knows everything.” He cheered, coming closer until we were at arms length.
“Okay, well if you really are Santa, what’s my favorite color?”
“Aqua.”
“Favorite Song?”
“My Heart Will Go On.” He shivered afterwards.
I let the bat fall and backed up. “Oh My God, y-you’re real?”
He smiled, grabbed his big stomach and laughed. “You know Evan; I’ve been watching you from afar, waiting for the chance to meet you.”
“That sounds overtly How to catch a predator.”
He chuckled again. “That’s why I wanted to meet you, that wit and sense of humor.”
Okay, either I’m dreaming, been drinking or…I looked around, “Is this some sort of joke?”
“Nope. I suck at jokes, Cher always tell me that I’m not funny.”
I made a face. “Cher?”
“Mrs. Claus.”
I gasped and grabbed my chest, “Cher is Mrs. Claus?”
He placed a finger over his lips, and shushed me. “She doesn’t want anyone to know, why do you think she keeps coming back again, and again.-.”
I cut him off, “And again, and again, and again-”
“I get the picture smarty, no wonder why you were supposed to get coal this year.”
“What?” my eyes went soft and I was the one who stepped up this time, “Why me?”
“You didn’t believe in me and spread false stories about me, that’s blasphemy.”
“Who are you, God?”
“To every child in the world, I am.”
“Doesn’t that make you a pagan?”
He grumbled and under his breath called me names. “Look, the point is, be nice to others and you won’t get coal.”
I folded my arms over my chest and raised an eyebrow, “Maybe I like coal.”
“I’m trying to teach you a lesson!” he stressed and tugged at his red and white hat.
“Okay, lesson learned. Don’t you have someone’s wife you should be making out with,” I gasped, “Do you use tongue?”
He pointed to the gift on the floor with a bored face, “Open that gift when you wake up, it has some great advice you can use, besides the one about, you know, cutting out your tongue.”
*
My eyes jumped open and I screamed. My heart was racing so fast that I thought it was going to spring out of my chest. Bobby got up immediately and grabbed me. “Evan, what is it? Bad dream?”
I calmed down once I noticed I was in bed, “God, I hope so.” I murmured, bewildered and got up from the bed. Both Kimmy and Ev came running to the room but before they asked any questions I ran down the stairs into the living room where the tree was sitting.
My eyes immediately went to the gift – that green trimmed with red gift that had my name on it. I snatched it form it’s stationary position and began opening it.
“Well, well, look who’s suddenly in the Christmas spirit.” Chris chuckled entering the room and standing next to the others.
I wanted to roll my eyes but I was too caught up in the moment to do so. Once I ripped it only had a note.
Pick Alex.
“What does it say?” Bobby asked, coming closer to me.
Oh my God, Santa does exist…and he’s getting involved in my love life. This Christmas could not get any weirder.
“You guys, I learned the true meaning of Christmas.”
They all smiled and nodded, that was until mom came rushing down the stairs and turned on the TV.
“Mom, what’s up?”
She didn’t answer but turned the channel to the news. A woman, blonde and perky looking with her balding partner sat in two chairs with the station’s symbol behind them.
“This is Dianne and Peter coming to you with breaking news. A burglar, dressed as a Santa is on the prowl and breaking into the homes of unsuspecting victims in town. We encourage you to lock your doors, your windows and hide all of your presents.”
My mouth’s hinges broke and my jaw dropped to the ground as my eyes, blew up ten times earth’s size. “Do you guys…no. Couldn’t be…right?”
Out of nowhere a voice, jolly and merry and seemingly far away started laughing like only Santa does. And a hearty “Merry Christmas, Evan!” rang through the ears everyone present.
I turned around and faced the others who were Justas shocked. “I've got to lay of the eggnog.”
Question: What is your favorite Christmas Story?
Mine is A Charlie Brown Christmas!
AND that was my CHRISTMAS SPECIAL. Woot!
Unfortunately, this is the last chapter until after Christmas. Sad. But The Finale is next, which is broken up into 2-3 parts. I haven’t decided how many yet.
Don’t forget to comment and VOTE! Also I’ve been nominated o boyxboy writer of the year! Go and vote for meeeee as a Christmas present :p Link on my page!