~Natalie~
When I woke up, Jeff was gone. I don’t know why I had expected him to say. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and glanced over at the clock on the wall. It was just before six, which would explain why I was hungry.
I stood up from the bed and rearranged my clothing and shook out my hair with my fingers. I wanted to at least look like I hadn’t just slept in my clothes.
I left the room I had fallen asleep in and crept down the hall to the kitchen.
David, and Jade both looked up when I entered the room. They stared at my red eyes for a moment before covering up their concern with pleasant smiles.
“Just in time Natalie, dinner is almost ready,” Jade told me getting up to stir whatever was cooking on the stove.
I smiled weakly and swiped my fingers under my eye again to get the last of the sleep. Jeff looked up from where he was writing something and his face softened immediately when he saw me. His grew glassy with concern and his lips formed a small ‘O’. But he didn’t say anything.
I sat next to him at the table and looked over at what he was doing, it was just homework.
At dinner mostly Jeff and his parents spoke, they didn’t even seem to mind the fact that I wasn’t.
I could talk to Jeff fine now, it was just when other people asked me questions that I choked up. I just kept thinking about how the worst beatings has always come when Scary Man hadn’t liked an answer I had given him.
All through dinner I kept dabbing at my eyes, no one let on that they noticed. I had called all the numbers I had for Dad a little bit after we had gotten home from school. He always picked up when I phoned. Always. Or he called me back within an hour.
I had waited that hour. It had come and gone. Then I had just broken down into tears. Last night I was able to convince myself that Dad missing was just a misunderstanding, but now it was the truth. He was actually missing and I couldn’t hide form that fact anymore.
Now I know how Dad had felt when I had gone missing. It was my fault he was missing. I should have stayed in that house, I should have never left with Jeff. If I had stayed, Dad would be safe.
Possibilities of how things could be different ran through my head as I thought about what would happened if I had changed the way something had happened. I desperately wished I could go back and see if they would work or not. But this was life, not some project or something.
As I sat in bed sobbing by my lonesome, I had gotten scared. Scared of being left alone. Mom was gone now, there was nothing I could do to change that fact. If Dad was gone as well, I would be sent to another orphanage, somewhere I did not want to go.
I was proud of the fact that I had found a family that loved me and accepted me as their own. I was proud that I was chosen to become part of their family so soon. I didn’t want to be all that was left of said family. I wanted them to be with me.
Alone was something I had gone for at school because I had not known any different from my time at the orphanage. But alone at school, and alone in the world were two completely different things. Alone in the world was one thing that everyone could agree that they didn’t want.
I sat on Jeff’s bed and cried. Cried for my mom, my dad and my predicament in general. I wanted to be with them, I didn’t want to be alone.
Then I realized that there was no reason I should be. Jeff had looked pained the last couple of days each time I pushed him away, but he had stayed away nonetheless.
I had been stupid not to realize how I needed him. He could make me feel better, take my mind off of things and comfort me; he was my friend, that’s what they were supposed to do. I think, I was new to friendship.
So with my new realization fresh in my mind, I had left his room and gone to the one he was staying in. Moving was difficult because tears blurred my vision, but I had managed the small voyage.
I held my hand to my mouth as I moved, a habit I had had forever. And one hand over my stomach like I was hugging myself, another old habit.
I didn’t see Jeff’s face as I entered his room, I couldn’t even see him. I just hoped that he would still accept my plead for help.
I ran into the bed sooner than expected and collapsed onto it. I curled up instinctively and curled my arms around me to hold myself. I heard him calling me, but I sobbing too hard to even thing of answering. Surely he would realize that and come to me.
When I started to fear that Jeff wasn’t going to try and comfort me at all, I started to sob harder. I wasn’t sure how to ask him for help, I had expected him to offer it.
But a moment later, the bed sunk next to me and I knew he was there. I reached out for his hand but I couldn’t find it right away. When I finally did, I pulled it to my cheek, and held it there with mine. I was ready for his help now, I wasn’t about to let him refuse.
Jeff started to pull his hand away and I tensed and started to cry harder. No, no. I need him. But then his hand was back quickly and everything instantly felt better.
It had felt weird to have Jeff holding me in the small way he was after so many days of pushing him away, but it felt good.
I realized how silly I had been to push Jeff away. He had been trying to help me all those times.
Whenever Scary Man had touched my cheek much like Jeff was now, it had always been before he slapped me, or to ‘play’ with me. Not the most pleasant things. But with Jeff it was just that, pleasant.
His simple touch was enough to calm me down, and soon I had been sleeping. If this was all it took to gain my sanity, I was defiantly not going to fight it any longer.
After dinner I tapped Jeff’s shoulder, but I didn’t speak. I didn’t trust myself to in front of his parents. I knew they were able to tell I had been crying, but I didn’t want to be breaking down in front of them.
Jeff seemed to understand my silent plead and followed me back to my/his room.
“Are you okay?” he asked closing the door behind him. It was the first thing he had said to me since I had discovered my need for his help earlier.
I reached for his hand, but the fact of actually holding it scared me. So I just took his little finger and the one next to in in my hand and took him over to the bed.
“Are you okay?” Jeff repeated.
I tucked my legs under me so I was sitting cross legged and turned to face him. “I’m scared,” I told him.
Understanding flooded his face. “Of what?” From the way he said it, it didn’t look like he wanted to say those words, more like he was forcing himself.
“Being alone,” I admitted shyly. I bent my knees so they were no longer crossed and I could rest my head on my knee. I looked down at the comforter and watched as my finger traced circles over the material.
Jeff made a noise like he was cooing. “You’ll never be alone,” he said sympathetically. I went to protest but he continued. “I’ll always be here.”
I know.
“What do you want me to do?” Jeff asked when I stayed silent for a couple of minutes. I mentally slapped myself. I had promised myself earlier that I wouldn’t close myself off to him. This was just the opposite. I had brought him in here to talk, not ignore him.
“Help me,” I whispered, I was scared of him saying no.
“How? How can I help you?” he asked his voice thick with emotion.
“What have you been wanting to do since you found me at that house?” I asked him instead of answering. Confusion flittered across his face but he did answer.
“Protect you, comfort you, hold you,” he rattled off easily, not the least bit embarrassed like some guys would be.
“Jeff,” I said. Confidence swelled up inside me and I took his hand from where it was sitting on the bed, pulling it closer to me. Then instead of tracing patterns into the comforter, I traced the lines of his palm. “Protect me.” I said running my finger across his palm once. “Comfort me.” I ran my hand across again. “Hold me.” I stopped tracing his hand, but continued staring at it so I didn’t have to meet his eyes. “If you still want to.”
Jeff didn’t move, didn’t speak, didn’t do anything. My confidence faltered immediately and I prepared myself to pull away from him.
But then Jeff’s fingers started curling up. I watched as his fingers closed over mine, capturing my hand in his.
“I still want to,” Jeff told me. “I was waiting for you to let me.”
I smiled down at our clasped hands, still too nervous to actually look at Jeff properly.
Jeff slid his hand from mine, and then his hand went up my hand, so lightly it was barely touching me. I watched the path of his hand with my eyes, I didn’t risk looking at him in case that broke the moment.
His hand crossed my back and then came to rest on my opposite hip. I was still looking at it, grateful for the hair that had fallen down hiding my face from Jeff.
“Is this okay?” he asked his voice surprisingly close to my ear. I hadn’t realized he was so close.
I nodded, unable to speak, but for different reasons this time.
Jeff used his hand on my hip to pull me into him. Since my knees were still bent in front of me, I had no stability on the bed and fell right into him. He didn’t seem to mind.
“Is this what you want?” he asked his other arm circling around me to complete the embrace.
“Y-yes,” I choked out.
We stayed like that for a couple of minutes. Neither of us made no move to move at all.
“You can cry, I’m here for you,” he told me.
I closed my eyes and slowly the tears made their way out.
Except this time, I didn’t feel pity for myself or dirty for crying. This time I felt like it was actually a release of emotions. I knew that Jeff would be there to smile at me when I was done.
So I did what he told me to and cried.
I cried for all the things Scary Man did to me and the things he is probably doing to Dad right now. I cried for how Dad –and hopefully Jeff- had felt when I had gone missing, because now I knew exactly how they would have felt. I cried because with everything that Scary Man had done to me, I had lost my mother’s ring that I had worn on a chain around my neck, it had been my last connection to her. I cried for what Shawn did to me and how Dad must have felt seeing me afterwards. I cried all the tears I had been too scared to cry in front of Shawn at my mom’s funeral. And finally I cried for how those other children who never found families to call their own and grew up unloved and neglected.
But I cried for happy things to. Not super happy, but happier than everything else.
I cried for the fact that we had managed to start a new live for ourselves here, without letting too much remorse enter our lives since before the kidnapping. I cried because I had been lucky enough to have someone as amazing as Jeff befriend me that first day. And I cried that there were people in my life I knew cared for me and would help me through anything.
Tears were good for everything bad and everything good.
Scary Man was my bad right now. But Jeff was my good.
Without what happened with Scary Man, I would have never looked at Jeff the way I do now. I would have never seen him as a good friend instead of a possible threat.
With all things bad, something better comes out of it.
Something wonderful.
And in my case, it was my first real friendship.
~Jeff~
Natalie had actually asked for my help. I wasn’t able to wrap my brain around that fact. She had asked me for help.
I had agreed immediately. I have been wanting to comfort her for days. Now I had the chance, I was not going to risk losing that.
As I put my arm around her, she never looked at me. I couldn’t help thinking that this wasn’t what she wanted. So I kept asking her to make sure, I didn’t want her to feel like I was pressuring her. I knew what those people had done to her had messed her up in some way, I didn’t want to take advantage of her while she was broken.
But every time I asked her, she assured me she was fine with it. So I continued on. And then finally I had her in my arms, where she fit just perfectly and seemed as comfortable there as if she had been doing this for years.
Slowly tear by tear, Natalie started to cry after I gave her permission to. I think she was scared of scaring me away with tears. It would take a lot more than that to scare me away.
It hurt to see her cry. I didn’t want her sad enough to cry, but I knew it was something she had to do. And I preferred her crying with me to comfort her, than on her own with all kinds of crazy thoughts racing through her mind.
I hadn’t forgotten what she had tried to do with the light bulb at that crack house. I don’t know if she had planned on killing herself, or just seriously injuring herself. In the condition she had been in, it was possible for either to happen.
The injuries I had found Natalie with were now slowly fading. Her gorgeous face was no longer black and blue, and her arms were red with angry cuts. She still had the injuries and they were still clear to see, but I didn’t want to throw up any more every time I saw them.
When Natalie had stopped crying, I went to release her. I didn’t want to push the new found trust she had in me.
But her hands clutched my arms, not with very much strength, but enough to stop me.
“Stay,” she whispered barely loud enough for me to here.
“For how long?” I asked. If she wanted me to stay in here with her for a while, I wanted to get her into a more comfortable position, I was kinda leaning on her right now. I didn’t want to crush her fragile little body.
“Only if you want to,” she said tilting her head up so her bloodshot brown eyes met mine. “I need you.”
I need you. Those were the words that got me. I couldn’t leave someone who needed me enough to admit it, I could leave my friend, the girl I was falling for, when she was begging me to stay.
“I want to,” I told her. I tried to put as much emotion into those words as I could so she could see I was serious.
Natalie’s face relaxed, not a smile, but she was defiantly happy with my answer. She lowered her head back to my shoulder and pressed her face against my neck.
My breath caught in my throat at how good it felt to have Natalie’s breath blowing down my back. I shivered slightly at the feeling, but not because I was cold.
“Angel, I’ll be right back, I’m just going to go get changed,” I told her. Natalie tensed in my arms and nodded the smallest amount.
I reluctantly pulled away from her and laid her down on the bed. Then I went back to Brandon’s room and looked for a pair of sweats. I was about to go back to Natalie when I realized there was something I should probably do first.
“Mum?” I asked hesitantly.
She looked up from the book she was reading and smiled that far away smile which meant her mind was still in the book.
“Yes honey?”
“Can I stay in Natalie’s room tonight. She is really upset and she needs me. She says she is scared to be alone.” Saying those words hurt, because it just made them all the more real.
Mum sobered up quickly from her dream state. “Oh honey of course you can. Did she tell you she needed you?” I nodded. I still couldn’t believe it. “Just as long as you don’t try anything on her, I don’t see why not.”
“Mum! I’m not Brandon! I wouldn’t even dream of that!” I said. Okay so maybe I had dreamed of it, but of course I wasn’t going to try anything on Natalie when she was as upset as she is.
“I know. But I’m your mother, I have to say those types of things anyways.”
I nodded. “I’m going back to her now.”
“Take care of her,” Mum told me seriously.
I nodded again and quickly went back to Natalie.
She was still lying where I had put her down on top of the covers.
I went to the other side of the bed and pulled back the covers. Then I went around the bed again to Natalie, and picked up her small frame in my arms. She seemed to curl into me instinctively.
After going around the bed again, I placed Natalie in the spot here I had peeled back the covers. She was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt so I figured she would be comfortable enough to sleep like that.
I went to the now empty side of the bed and slid under the covers as well. I reached for Natalie and brought her to my side, I felt like dancing around when she didn’t resist me at all.
“I thought you had left me,” Natalie whispered, her voice husky with sadness.
“Never,” I told her. “Is this okay?” I asked her, meaning the new sleeping arrangement.
“Perfect,” she whispered sleepily as she pressed herself even closer to me.
I watched her sleep. I was still too awake to sleep myself yet. She just felt so perfect in my arms that I wanted to savour the moment for as long as I could. I wanted her in my arms forever.
Natalie was my angel. I hoped she continued to let me be her guardian.
***
I was going to upload this a lot sooner, but then I had to leave right before I finished so I wasnt able to. The last little bit I wrote on my phone and then copied into word when I got home, so sorry if it's a little awkward.
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