This is for us.
And only us.
I smiled while twirling a loose, chocolate curl around my finger. Glancing at the mirror, I giggled. I felt, and look, beautiful, finally. I've never looked or felt this beautiful.
My usual straight, mousy was alive and radiant again. My sister spent hour upon hour reviving the strands, and then the lengthy process curling section by section with a straightener. Which I had never know that you can do.
My pale skin had gotten darker in the past few months. It was Niki's goal to have me tan for tonight; her whole goal was to make me beautiful for this wonderful night. She had also done my make up wonderfully. The only color on my skin was from my lips, a pale rose color lipstick was applied only thirty minutes before.
And, the most amazing part of my body, was my scars had disappeared in time. All of the deep gashes, dark bruises, and discolored burns had faded away from my arms, legs, and torso. And what hadn't faded was covered with foundation, which was sort of awkward on my legs.
But what made my whole look complete, was the dress. The white, long dress was altered for my body, and my body only. A sweet heart neckline allowed as much skin as I was comfortable with, and there was a layer of lace covering my arms and part of my cleavage. The bottom of the skirt was wide, and princess like, the whole dress being made of satin. Little piece of lace covered the skirt, making it look older and vintage. All in all, I loved it.
I smiled into the mirror again. The whole room was lit by the large bay windows, which opened to English country side. And the older, Victorian styled church's parking lot, but that was a minor detail. The room though, had been painted a crisp white many years ago, as the paint was now chipping away. The room held a changing screen, an worn out couch, and a vanity table. Niki and I had been in this room for a while now, her exclaiming that she couldn't believe that her little sister was finally getting married.
I glided over to the window as I heard the chatter of people arriving. Many people wearing softer, pale colors flooded into the doors below me. I could tell a few of them apart; Austin, my adoptive mother and father, and his parents. They walked into the church talking with one another, I couldn't hear what they were saying though, but I assumed that they would have been talking about the up coming events of the night.
I looked up at the night sky, it was a beautiful night to get married. I know that I keep using that word, but it's the only one that seems to fit. Beautiful. Even the word by itself describes everything in this moment. The sky was already dark and the stars danced above. The moon shone brightly down onto the earth causing everything to have a blue tint to it. Beautiful.
"Hannah!" Niki exclaimed as she ran into the room, "The flowers just arrived. You, stay here, and I'll go get them! Don't let anyone see you!" Niki then left the room. I smiled, who cares if the flowers were late, it didn't matter, they were only a minor detail.
I sat down on the bay window seat, and gazed at the stars. They were so breath taking. But to think, this wasn't even them, only what was left of them. It had taken them years and years to get here, to make this breath taking light show, and they couldn't seem even brighter. It was almost if the stars knew that I was getting married and should shine the brightest that they could.
"You need to do this," a dark, low voice whispered from outside the door, "You can't do this now."
"I have to," The feeling of butterfly wings erupted in my stomach, it was him, "Marcus, I need to. I love her with all my heart, she's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. She helped me with our type of life style, being an output for my thirst. She's kept me alive and fought for me through it all. I need to do this."
"Okay," Marcus whispered to Richard, "Do whatever you need to, Brother. But I'm not going to be here for the water works." I could hear his shoes tapping against the marble floor as Marcus left. This left Richard standing outside all alone. I wouldn't hurt to see him for a second, I thought to myself.
I crossed the room, and opened the heavy wooden door, slowly. Richard stood at the end of the hall, leaning against the wall. I walked slowly, picking my skirt up, and could see that his eyes were closed. Thankfully, I had not put on my heels yet, so I didn't make a sound as I walked down the candle lit hallway.
When I got to him, I walked in front of him and stood on my toes. For I was at least a foot smaller than him. I lightly kissed his cheek, wanting to save our kiss for the ceremony. Richard didn't even open his eyes, there wasn't even his signature smirk playing on his lips.
"Hey, love," I whispered while wrapping my arms around his neck. Richard's dark and brooding eyes bored into my own pale gray ones. I smiled, not even trying to hide my emotions. I was so happy, but that didn't even cover half of it. I was ecstatic, energetic, joyful, carefree and so much more right now. I was basically bursting at the seems with love for this one man.
I love him.
Not something that I say often to anyone. If I say "I love you", to anybody, I mean it.
"Love," I nuzzled into his neck, and inhaled his cologne. Just this smell alone made me crazy, "I can't believe that we're getting married in an hour. I love you. Nobody has ever made me feel this way. I don't only love you, but what you've done for me: You made me finally love myself, scars and all. I'll never be able to repay you for all your love, tenderness, emotions, just everything. I love you."
I just kept rambling on and on. I had to tell him this; I was just so over come by emotions that this felt right. Not just telling him, but being in this moment with Richard. This was our little moment, in an old Victorian church, on this night. Everything in my life was finally right for once, and I didn't have a care in the world.
"Hannah," Richard whispered, "We need to talk." He unwrapped my arms from his neck and took a step away from me. I suddenly felt cold without him. I shivered, not only on the inside did I feel cold, but physical I was cold without him. He was my sun, my warmth, even though we were the same temperature.
"I can't marry you, Hannah." Richard stated. Inside my heart, I felt something snap.
"W-what?" I stuttered. No, I was screaming inside, no, he can't leave me! "What do you mean you can't marry me? Richard, if you need time that's okay, we can post-pone the wedding till-,"
"Till nothing, Hannah." Richard interrupted. He had never interrupted me before, never once in the three years that we've been together, "I don't love you. How could I ever love you? Look at yourself. I deserve better."
"What?" I cried, "What do you mean, Richard? You always tell me that I'm beautiful, you made me see myself as beautiful finally. You- You can't do this to me..." I sobbed the last part. How could he say after all this time, all of these memories that he didn't love me?
"Because," He started, glancing down at my dress, then staring me straight in the eyes, "Who could love a girl with scars?"
The dress became very heavy, were as before I couldn't even tell that I was wearing it as it was that light. I looked down and a sob raced through me. The dressed was soaked crimson, pain raced through my body in every spot where I had ever harmed. I cried as the dress vanished, and a mirror had appeared on the wall next to me.
I screamed as I caught a glimpse of myself. Gashes, cuts, bruises, and burns covered my body, from my ankles to my chest. Everywhere hurt to touch, physical, and mentally, it hurt to look at. Blood poured out of the cuts and dripped to the concert floor, leaving me drenched. I cried into my hands, and it felt like my stomach was twisting.
I looked back up, and bit down on my hand to keep myself from sobbing. You could clearly see every bone in my body. The horrible after taste that you have after you purge came rushing into my mouth. It almost made me want to purge again.
I pushed myself up against the church wall, and curled into a ball, tucking my head into my knees. I cried, the hot tears mixing with the still flowing blood. I could feel myself almost shrinking.
When I looked back up again, I sighed. I was back in my childhood room, and looked how I did when I was thirteen. An awkward haircut replaced the beautiful curls, the magazine worthy makeup was now cheap drugstore mascara and nothing else. I was shorter too. Back to my normal five two height. I was myself again.
There had been no Richard, no wedding, Niki was still thousand miles a way, and I was still alone. The horrible after taste of purging remained, and the cuts didn't pour out as much blood now. But everything still hurt.
I laid there on the hardwood floor of my room, staring into my mirror. Looking down, I had a choice to make.
A gun, razor, rope, pills, lighter, and a note laid on the purple rug in front of me. The note was a poem though,
"The music stopped working,
And so did her heart.
She tried different bands,
But she still fell apart.
With the gun to her head,
She whispers,
To all my lovelies. I hope you fall apart"