the first time it happened, we were on our way to a friend's party.
i remember walking up to the venue, flashing her a lopsided grin and telling her:
"don't flirt with any of the other guys, okay?"
"i don't flirt." she giggles then reassures me, "besides you're the only one i want, jongdae."
but it happens everyday, i want to tell her. but she's already staring at some other guy.
"i know, it's just that..."
i get so nervous.
is what i wanted to say.
"hmm?"
seyeon's attention finally returns to me.
"your shoe's untied."
i notice lots of little things about her.
"oh."
"just stay close to me, alright?"
i say, kneeling down to tie her shoe lace.
"yeah."
we continue walking and she wraps her hand around mine; lulling me into a false sense of security.
a few hours - and a few drinks - into the party and already: i see seyeon touching another guy.
i hear her giggle. and i feel sick.
i pull her into a secluded area. outside, concealed by the night and a few birch trees. i lean against one of the trees, i don't think i could stand up on my own. and i confront her.
"you must like that guy better than me, right?"
"don't joke-"
"i'm not joking."
"don't get mad."
"i'm not mad."
her eyes well up with tears.
but i know they're not real.
fake smiles... fake tears... she never really cared about me.
she'd put on a façade:
she'd tell me she loves me.
she'd tell me that she'd do anything for me.
but she doesn't love me.
i know she doesn't.
and then i get mad.
everything from that point on was a blur.
i was only snapped back into rationality
after hearing her voice.
in pain.
i couldn't comprehend what just happened.
i slapped her.
i beat her.
i kicked her.
i think she's crying but she won't look at me.
i reach my hand out to her.
she flinches.
and my heart breaks.