Prologue
This year may have been the most exciting of all because I was able to feel these sensations I never felt before. I had a lot of first time like falling in love with the most unexpected person. Rhetorically speaking, I don’t want to fall in love. I curse fate for playing his tricks on me. I fell in love with someone that even having this thought is already a sin. I fell in love with someone I shouldn’t and to worsen things I don’t even find any logical reason as to why I am feeling this way. This is probably the most irrational thing I ever felt but as what the saying goes, “Love can be irrational at times especially with the most unexpected person.” I tried to suppress what I feel countless of times but it still haunts me even in my slumber. Everyday, the weight I feel in my heart grows heavier and all I could do is to cry. I tried to distract myself but I just could not forget that person. I tried to deny what I feel but it just grew stronger. Isn’t it ironic that you fell in love for the first time yet you couldn’t be together even if time permits? I didn’t even care about that before. That person was once a stranger but now? That person means the world to me.
Let’s just put it this way. The wind that feels sad and wished that the person the wind loves understands.
“Now the wind is depressed as it shivered by the feelings that devour it. The wind fell in love with someone it shouldn’t. If only you could understand how the wind felt, if only you could hear the wind’s cry, if only you could see the pain the wind contains in its heart then it would’ve been easier for the wind to express its feelings. But no, it’s something that the wind must hide for it might ruin everything. And so the wind cries out for help in a melancholic tone and because of the unbearable pain, the wind disappeared like a bubble. “
I wish it would’ve been that easy for me. If only I could disappear like the wind. I just couldn’t understand it anymore. Confusion strikes me. I’m lost in this dark horizon I’m into. The azure skies turns to grey and I was frightened by the horrifying scenery that I’ve witnessed.
I thought being close to that person would give me the answers I seek but I was wrong; the love I felt grew stronger and stronger that it was already too painful for me to bear. Can I really commit a great sin? Can I really commit this taboo? I was weighing things but I just couldn’t think straight. I don’t even care about the existence of this person before but now why does this person means everything to me. Still, I’m seeking for answers but let me tell you a story on how I met this person again.
I was on my way home from school very happy for some unknown reasons. I arrived home and was singing loudly until I opened the door and saw this person. I was shocked on how everything has changed. This person does look attractive and I admit I was stunned. I went inside my room and turned red. I just can’t … Why? Why am I feeling this way? I didn’t care about that before. I went to the living room and this person played a certain online game together with my cousins. The game looks attractive and fun to play so this person introduced it to me. My heart skipped a beat and I cursed myself for it.
Then probably weeks after, this person had a sleepover here in our house. We were on the same bed and this was the time I have come to realization that what I feel is strange and different. My heart beat raced like a chariot in a battle arena and I could not sleep.
After that, I feel this heavy stone in my heart everyday. I long for this person. I want to see this person and I miss this person. Then I grasped before I realize the horror I got into and I just could not fathom to accept it. My heart is too obvious on how I feel but my mind could not just comprehend and then with a sudden pang of realization that I could not bear to accept I knew that I have fallen in love. I’m in love with the person I shouldn’t.