CHAPTER TEN
TASTE OF REALITY
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The following week was probably the longest week in Adrian's entire life. Granted, he hadn't been alive that long, but still, it was a very long week anyway. With Hodge gone, the Clave had been scrambling trying to figure out who was going to run the New York Institute. Adrian had heard rumors that Maryse and Robert Lightwood would be sent back to New York to replace Hodge, but he hoped that wasn't true.
Alec seemed to be having an existential crisis already, Adrian didn't want to know how he'd make it if his parents were back to breathe down his neck.
With a sigh, Adrian finished the coffee in his mug and glanced at Clary and Isabelle. They had met up at Taki's for breakfast. It had been silent for five minutes now, but not an uncomfortable one. They all seemed to be thinking about their problems, their thoughts consumed with separate people—Clary with her mother, Isabelle with her parents, and Adrian with Alec. Clary and Isabelle had both already shared their problems over stacks of pancakes, and now it was Adrian's turn. The girls were simply waiting for him to speak.
Adrian sighed again.
"I think Alec knows I'm in love with him," he told them, setting his cheek against his closed fist, his elbow on the table. After he said those words, he raised his hand and signaled for the check. The waitress that served them walked past and slid him the bill. He dug out his wallet and dropped down enough money to cover all three of them before he got to his feet and started for the diner door. Behind him, he could hear Clary and Isabelle rushing to catch up with him.
Adrian pushed open the diner door, and he waited on the sidewalk for Isabelle and Clary to reach him. He shoved his hands into his jacket pocket, working at his jaw and wondering what he would say once Isabelle and Clary started asking their questions. It was why he had hurried out of the restaurant ahead of them. He needed more time to gather his thoughts.
"Why do you think that?" were the first words out of Clary's mouth when the two girls finally caught up with him. Both of the girls were hurrying to put on their jackets. He waited until both of them were settled before he continued.
"Ever since he woke up," he explained, moving a little bit down the sidewalk so that they weren't in front of the diner door, "he's been acting weird around me. Especially ever since he found out I spoke to him while he was unconscious." He felt sick just thinking about it. The exact thing he was afraid of happening had happened, and Adrian could do nothing but watch as Alec went out of his way to avoid being alone with him. Bitterly, he added, "I'm pretty sure he's freaking out."
Which was his right, he had to remind himself. Alec could barely deal with his own feelings, let alone his best friend's. Adrian wanted to cut him some slack, but it was hard to do that when he felt like his heart was being shoved through a paper shredder each time Alec avoided looking at him.
"Why don't you just ask him if he remembers what you said?" Clary asked. "It kind of sounds like you're avoiding him, too." Adrian grimaced, and then decided to ignore her last sentence.
"I can't ask him," he said with a sigh. "If he does remember, I don't want it to seem like I'm cornering him for an answer to a question I didn't even ask, and I don't want him to feel like he owes me anything. I want him to come to me, when he's ready. It's just torture waiting." Isabelle hummed thoughtfully, leaning her hip against a metal bike rack.
"So did confessing your undying love for my brother at his bedside help in any way, shape, or form?" she asked. Adrian scowled at the tone of her voice.
"You don't have to sound so...so..." He couldn't seem to find the correct word for it. Isabelle watched him wave his hands around as a means to communicate his thoughts, smiling when he gave up and crossed his arms over his chest.
"I don't sound like anything," she drawled, raising an eyebrow when Adrian scoffed.
"You kind of do," he pointed out. "Like you were right about something, even though at the time, you told me I had your full support." He only stopped when Isabelle raised a finger to silence him.
"And you still do," she reminded him, voice hard. "You'll have my support until the day I die and then wherever we are after that." Clary gave a small sound at her words, raising her eyebrows.
"That's some serious dedication," Clary commented when Isabelle and Adrian turned toward her. Isabelle grinned, twirling a lock of dark hair around her finger.
"You either give all or nothing," Isabelle told her. "That's my motto."
"I thought your motto was something about seven inch heels," Adrian said, voice dry. Isabelle shrugged.
"I have more than one motto, Dri."
"That literally sounds like the most exhausting thing ever," Clary drawled, eyes still glued to Isabelle.
"That's because you have a habit of being lazy," Isabelle told her, shooting a quick glance at Adrian right after. "Both of you do, actually."
"Why did you add me to that?" Adrian demanded, momentarily forgetting his problem with Alec. Being around Clary and Isabelle always did distract him from things he didn't particularly want to think about.
"I added you because you agreed with Clary when she said having two mottos sounded exhausting. I could tell by the look on your face." Adrian raised an eyebrow.
"You mean the bored, blank look?" he asked, voice dry again. Isabelle snapped her fingers.
"Precisely," she said. Adrian and Clary shared a look. Clary shook her head, fighting back a smile.
"You're ridiculous, you know that?" Adrian asked, turning back toward Isabelle, who just shrugged. It wasn't news to her. Clary shook her head again and started digging around in her bag, pulling out her phone and checking the time. Her face immediately twisted into a frown.
"Are you going to the hospital?" Isabelle asked, seeing her look. Clary bit her bottom lip, nodding. She had been developing the same tired, defeated look ever since she had found her mother.
"Are you all going to come later?" she asked, sounding hopeful. Isabelle answered before Adrian could.
"I would, but I have to get back to Alec," Isabelle said, sounding a bit guilty. "He's been going stir-crazy sitting in the Institute. I can't leave him alone for more than a few hours, otherwise he starts digging around in places he shouldn't because he's so bored." Clary nodded, face dropping even more.
"I'll come with you," he decided, smiling when Clary's face brightened, even if it wasn't by much.
"Thank you," she whispered. Adrian just shrugged. He would do anything to help Clary in any way he could, especially since she always seemed to be there to help him.
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Jocelyn Fray—or Fairchild, though Adrian had a feeling the woman didn't like that name anymore—had the same vibrant red hair as Clary, and the freckles to match. She was pale in the hospital bed, completely still save for the small rise and fall of her chest. Adrian searched her face, trying to find even a little bit of Jace inside her. He knew it would mean a lot to Jace if Adrian told him he looked like his mother. Unfortunately, Adrian couldn't find a single thing. Jace Wayland—now Jace Morgenstern, regrettably—looked nothing like Jocelyn Fray.
Adrian thought Jace didn't look anything like Valentine Morgenstern either, but Jace himself had said Valentine had raised him under the name of Michael Wayland, and Clary had even said that her mother thought her first child, a son, had died. All of the pieces fit together.
If only the pieces actually looked similar. Maybe Adrian wouldn't have been so suspicious. Valentine could have kidnapped Jace, for all anyone knew, and Adrian didn't want to see Jace bond to a woman who could want nothing to do with him when she woke up. Jace felt things so strongly, Adrian didn't want to think of what he would do if Jocelyn took one look at him, claimed he wasn't her son, and then just walked away.
Adrian shot a glance out of the corner of his eye at Clary.
"She looks..." He bit his lip. She was staring at him, waiting. He let out a small sigh. "Alive. Very alive. And healthy." Clary closed her eyes briefly and pressed her lips together. He could see her searching for a kind thing to say. Adrian kind of felt like he deserved to have his head bitten off by her, considering what he had just let tumble out of his mouth.
"Adrian," she said at last, "please just...don't say anything?" Adrian blushed.
"Sorry," he muttered, throwing his elbow into her arm. A small smile flitted across her mouth. She went to say something else, but the sound of the door opening behind them made them both turn. A man around the same age as Jocelyn came in. He paused when he saw Adrian.
"You...do not look familiar," the man said. There were dark circles under his eyes. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. "I don't think I've met you before. Have I met him before?" The man was looking at Clary now, who looked at the older man with concern.
"Luke, if you would actually go get some sleep, you would know that you have never seen this new friend of mine in your life," Clary told him, forcing herself to sound amused, mainly for Luke's benefit. She turned toward Adrian with a small, awkward smile. "Adrian, this is my dad, Luke Garroway." Her voice hardened when she said that Luke was her dad, and Adrian understood why. He knew from personal experience what it felt like to have a disappointing father. Clary was lucky that she managed to find a better one. "Luke, this is my friend, Adrian Dieudonne."
Luke looked at him sharply as soon as Clary said Adrian's last name.
"Dieudonne?" Luke repeated, eyes narrowing. Adrian shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. He could see the distrust in them. "Are you Malachi's son?"
Luke didn't like Adrian's father very much, judging by how his mouth twisted when he said his name.
"From the way you just said his name, I take it you aren't fond of him," Adrian said, speaking slowly. Luke arched an eyebrow.
"That's an understatement," Luke said dryly. Adrian just shrugged.
"I don't like him, either," Adrian said, voice small. He hadn't meant for it to sound like that, but Luke's face softened slightly, and Clary took his hand when she turned back around to watch her mother. Luke circled the hospital bed so that he could look at Jocelyn as well, and Adrian could tell the second Luke locked eyes with Jocelyn that the man was head over heels in love with her.
"How is she?" Luke asked, taking Jocelyn's hand. Clary sighed.
"The same."
The solemn atmosphere was cut short when Adrian's phone started ringing. Wincing, he quickly dug it out and answered, apologizing to Luke and Clary as he moved out into the hall. It wasn't until he heard the voice on the other end that he kind of wished he had ignored the call.
"Where are you?" Alec asked, not bothering with greeting Adrian. Adrian frowned. He felt Alec was a tad bit out of line, asking him where he was when Alec had been the one ducking out of the room when Adrian entered. Still, Adrian felt a lightness in his chest at the sound of his voice. He had missed it.
"At the hospital with Clary," Adrian answered, biting back all of the snide remarks he wanted to make. He didn't want to fight with Alec. "She didn't want to come alone."
"That's nice of you," Alec said, stumbling over the words. Adrian raised an eyebrow and leaned his shoulder against the wall, glancing down the hallway. There were only a few nurses. One of them, a woman with dark skin, winked at Adrian as she passed, and Adrian realized with a start that it was Catarina. He wasn't used to seeing her without her blue skin. He waved at her as she passed, knowing she wouldn't stop to talk when she was working.
"So have you stopped ignoring me?" Adrian asked Alec once Catarina was out of earshot. He had already told her what was going on, and he knew that she would take the phone from him and talk to Alec herself if she knew who Adrian was on the phone with.
"I wasn't ignoring you," Alec argued, voice weak. They both knew that wasn't true. Adrian pressed his lips together.
"Right." Alec stayed silent, but he didn't hang up. Adrian sighed. "What did you need, Alec?" Alec sucked in a sharp breath.
"I actually really need to talk to you," he said quickly, the words slurring together. A ball of anxiety settled inside Adrian's stomach. He chewed on his bottom lip.
"About what?" he asked. Alec didn't answer, which was an answer in itself. Adrian swallowed. "Right, um...I don't know when I'll be home."
"I really need to talk to you, Adrian," Alec said once again, sounding more relaxed than before. "It's driving me insane. Can you just...please?" Alec ended the call right after that. Adrian, with a shake of his head, went back into the room. Realizing that Clary had Luke with her now, he took a deep breath and decided Clary had been right earlier. He had been avoiding Alec too, and it needed to stop.
"Hey, Clary?" She shot him a look over her shoulder. "You good here? Alec and I need to sort a few things out." Clary's eyebrows rose to her hairline when he said that. She offered him a kind smile.
"Good luck," she whispered. Adrian nodded, pulling her into a brief hug in a poor attempt to comfort her about her mother. When he pulled away, he gave Luke a two-fingered salute.
"Nice to meet you, Mr. Garroway," he said.
"Call me Luke," he corrected, copying the salute Adrian had given. Adrian grinned.
"Sure thing. Call me if anything changes, alright?" he asked, looking at Clary now, who did the same two-fingered salute that Adrian and Luke had done. Adrian laughed softly.
"Will do, Dri. Give him an earful."
"I plan to."
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Church was waiting in the foyer when Adrian entered the Institute. Adrian crouched down and scratched the cat behind the ear, making him purr and push against his hand. Adrian was one of the few people Church seemed to like, but that was probably because Adrian never seemed to insult him because of his grumpiness.
"Hey, Church. Where's Alec?" he asked. Church blinked at him once, pressed his head once more into Adrian's hand, and then turned and started walking down the hall. Adrian rose to his feet and followed him. Church led him to the library, where Alec was sprawled out on the couch, a book in hand. His broken leg was propped up on a pillow, and his crutches were lying at the foot of the couch. Adrian reached down and scratched Church once more behind the ear before he left.
"You called?" Adrian drawled, watching with slight amusement when Alec jumped, the book slipping out of his hands and hitting him on the chest. He hurried to sit up from his slouched position, a cute blush coloring his cheeks. Adrian bit back his smile, moving forward to sit on the table in front of the couch. "How's the leg?" he asked, knowing Alec wouldn't speak first despite calling him home specifically to talk. It was just how Alec was.
"Good," Alec breathed, pushing his hair out of his eyes. "It's almost healed. I only have to wear the cast for another week, maybe." There was a pause. Adrian wasn't really sure what to say. He knew what was coming, he could tell just by how nervous Alec seemed to be, and he didn't know what he would say. "How's Clary?"
"As good as she could be considering the circumstances," Adrian said. Alec nodded, fiddling with the book just to have something to do with his hands. Adrian watched him, and suddenly he wasn't all that anxious anymore. The truth was bound to come out eventually. "Alec, you didn't call me here to talk about Clary."
"No," Alec sighed, still twisting the book around his hands. "No, I didn't. I just don't know where to start." Adrian nodded and remained silent. This was more for Alec than it was for him. Adrian reached up and ran his fingers through his hair, locking his hands together and leaning forward, letting his clasped hands fall between his legs. There was a feeling in his chest that he couldn't quite describe, a mix between anxiety, excitement, and a hollowness that always seemed to be there no matter how hard Adrian tried to get rid of it.
"Start from the beginning then," Adrian offered after a moment, eyes glued to his clasped hands. Alec sucked in a deep breath.
"When I was unconscious, I heard you say something." Adrian closed his eyes and brought his hands to his mouth, glancing at Alec after a moment. Alec was still staring at the book. "And for the past week, I've had no idea if what you said was a dream or not. I thought I could figure it out on my own, but I can't, and it's driving me crazy. I wanted to just ask you about it, but...another part of me thought that it was a dream, and I shouldn't bother, and—"
"I said that I was in love with you." Adrian hadn't thought over what he was going to say when he interrupted Alec. He just knew Alec was beginning to ramble, and he would continue to ramble until someone interrupted him. Now that the words were out, though, he couldn't seem to stop. He had been holding it in for so long. It felt good to let it out when Alec was actually awake and Adrian knew he was listening. "That was what you heard, right? That I'm in love with you."
"What?" Alec whispered, eyes blown wide, dilated so much that the blue was barely visible. Adrian smiled. Despite the situation, it was genuine.
"I'm in love with you, Alec," he whispered, and it felt like a huge weight had lifted off of his shoulders. Like he could breathe easier, though he knew a new weight would be added to his chest as soon as this conversation ended. "I've been in love with you since I was fifteen. Before that, even. Fifteen was just the age when I realized what the feeling was."
"I—" Alec was so shocked. Adrian was once again reminded just how oblivious he actually was. Alec shook his head. He didn't seem to feel anything other than shock at the revelation. "Why—Why didn't you tell me?"
Adrian laughed then. He just couldn't help it. It was such an Alec thing to say, an Alec thing to focus on.
"You love Jace," Adrian told him, voice going shaky. The different kind of weight he had been expecting had finally fallen down on him. He could feel his throat tightening. "I didn't tell you for the same reason you haven't told Jace. You don't love me. You love Jace, and that's okay." Alec's face had gone pale as soon as he had mentioned Jace, and Adrian let out a small sigh. "God, and now you feel guilty, don't you? Please don't feel guilty, Alec. You don't owe me anything, I just..."
"Adrian—"
As soon as Adrian heard Alec's voice crack, he was on his feet and moving away by a couple of steps. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides. Something was building up in his chest that he didn't want Alec to see. He needed to get out of that library.
"Please don't say anything," he begged. Alec was staring at him, eyes still wide and dilated. He had moved into a sitting position when Adrian had stepped away from him, but because of his broken foot, he couldn't follow. He didn't seem to be willing to look away from Adrian long enough to grab his crutches. Like Adrian would make a run for it as soon as he looked away. Maybe Adrian would. "Not right now, at least. Not when things are so...emotional. You'll end up saying something you don't mean, and I don't think either of us want that." Alec was already shaking his head.
"No, I wasn't—I won't—"
"Please," Adrian whispered. Alec pressed his lips together. Then his eyes went to his crutches.
Adrian was out of the library before Alec could even reach out for them.
He roamed around the city for hours after that, thinking about too many things and feeling too much. It was no surprise to him when he ended up on a familiar doorstep, the echo of the doorbell ringing in his ears. When the door cracked open, Adrian gave a small smile.
"Hey, Oliver."
"Adrian?" Oliver pulled his apartment door open wider, staring at Adrian with wide eyes. His curly hair was unruly, like he had been in bed before Adrian had knocked on his door. He probably had been. There was a full moon the night before. "What are you doing here?"
"Did I wake you? I'm sorry," Adrian said, feeling slightly guilty. He hadn't thought about how much of an inconvenience it would be to show up at Oliver's home the day after a full moon. He was surely exhausted, and he needed the rest. Oliver didn't seem concerned by that, though.
"Have you been crying?" Oliver asked, reaching forward to pull Adrian inside. Adrian blinked slowly and let himself get pulled across the threshold. Confused, he reached up to wipe at his cheeks. They were wet. He hadn't even realized he'd been crying.
"Do you remember, at Magnus's party, when you said your door was always open if I needed a friend?" Adrian asked. Oliver nodded, closing the door behind them. "That offer still stands, right?"
"Of course. Did something happen?" Adrian nodded. Oliver sat down on the couch and pulled Adrian down with him. "I can make us some coffee and we can talk about it, if you want?" Again, Adrian nodded, and Oliver got up to make them both a cup of coffee.
When he came back, they talked so long that Adrian ended up falling asleep there, and ended up waking up with just a little bit of the new weight in his chest gone.
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edited: 7.21.19