I couldn't tell you the exact moment in time I realised that I loved him.
Finn Thompson. The single most infamous boy who went to our sixth form with a mess of spun gold hair sitting atop his head, the warmest hazel green eyes that could make you question everything you were so sure of and a set of full lips, pink and slightly parted to reveal a set of straight white teeth that astonished me bearing in mind how many packets of cigarettes he smoked in a day.
I would find myself just looking at him from time to time in awe, wondering how a human being could be so ordinary yet invoke me to feel such extraordinary things at the same time. Maybe it was because however much I tried to deny it, I was really a closeted hopeless romantic just waiting to get out. Or maybe it was entirely my friend's fault. Well, one of my friends. Hanna Saunders, Han for short and what pretty much ninety percent of people she knew called her. She was that typical head-in-the-clouds, stuck-in-having-her-own-fairy-tale-ending kind of girl you would expect. She was also one of my closest friends and because of her, sadly, I was warming to the idea of falling in love.
After all, I had been in denial about harbouring a crush on the boy I had secretly been lusting after for the past two years. Well, not just lusting, but like was there too. But now, I realised, it was inevitable. I liked him. Not that he knew, even though we used to talk on a daily basis on account of us sharing two of our lessons together. Chemistry and Maths, two of the sciences I used to be ever so enthusiastic about but had come quite quickly, because of A-Levels, to grow to dislike.
Finn Thompson used to be a taken man, until a few months ago, when I learned his now ex-girlfriend had broken up with him. And from then on, there seemed to be an invisible queue of girls who would laugh at his every word, take him in at his every sentence, just sit and gaze at him as though he was as intriguing as the concept of the wonder of the stars were to me. And Finn Thompson, well, he was a wonder to pretty much everyone. He was quiet, reserved but at the same time, a foul-mouthed, irritating, arrogant and typically selfish seventeen-year-old.
And I was just an acquaintance who he had no idea liked him, and soon enough, as we parted ways after sixth form to leave for university, I would become a distant memory as he met more people, graduated a few years later, started at work, maybe fell in love, got married, had children and just continued to live his life. And I was fine with that. Or so I thought.
"I am fine with that," I insisted now to my counsellor as we sat in her office, fiddling with a hangnail on my finger as I tried not to maintain eye contact in fear of it giving me away.
"Are you really?" she checked with a dubious yet comforting smile. Her name was Rose and she reminded me too much and too little of the flower at the same time. Her cheeks were flushed pink like always, thanks to the blush she donned from her make-up bag and yet her hair and eyes were dark, like coal, almost too dark, darker than mine which was saying something. Her skin was like mildew, pale and wearing down but still managed to illuminate her features. She was another woman who had managed to be such a mystery to me, which was in her job description, but she was one woman I sensed, much like my mother, who had her demons which she was continually trying to suppress.
"Well, yeah," I replied, trying to convince myself more than I was her, "It's over. It's been two years and I said and did nothing to let him know I liked him like that. I like him like that. He has no idea and thinks I hate him and...I – I can't believe he does but I'm going to have to make my peace with that."
"Why does he think you hate him?" she inquired, dark eyebrows arched as her eyes quickly flicked to the recording device on top of the table between us. "Do you know?"
"Mm," I hummed thoughtfully, "Something happened in Maths yesterday. Apparently."
"What happened?" she prompted. "You don't have to tell me, I just think it might help you. You're not yourself today, you seem...distracted, on edge, like you're going slightly mad."
I chuckled at the irony. Seemed like she knew me better than I had wanted to let on, "I'm going out of my mind," I joked but the funny thing was, that sentiment may not remain a joke for too long, "Well, um, yesterday, in the Maths session, I heard he was messing around with a girl in our glass, taking her pen and keeping it away from her, stuff like that. The other teacher thought they were flirting and started saying it. Then, our teacher walked in and she told her about the whole pen throwing thing and she just said 'Oh, Finn, that's weird. I thought you liked Indira.' And then he blows it off and laughs. Then another girl in our class just said 'No, I'm pretty sure she hates you.' She meant me – that I hate him and...I don't."
"I know that," my counsellor assured me, before asking, "Does he know that?"
Tears were pricking my eyes and I quickly blinked them away, "No," I said in a whisper, "He said to her, 'I know.'" And with a deep sigh, I tried to steady my nerves.
"So he thinks you hate him?" she placed the words bluntly out in front of me and I could almost see them hovering in the thick air before floating away, probably towards Finn as he sat in a free period.
"Yeah," I said with a nod, "And I don't. I definitely don't hate him. I'm scared that I might, you know...but how could he think like that? I'm just so...frustrated. I'm so...oh, I don't know. How can he not know me at all after these two years? What makes him think I could possibly hate him?!" I was starting to get angry now, channelling my growing feelings of dejection and hopelessness into irritation and annoyance.
"Yes, how dare he?" she joined in, "How dare he not be telepathic?" I let the words sit with me for a moment before speaking.
"What do you mean?"
"You're asking something impossible from a seventeen-year-old boy," she said gently, "Well, not impossible, but it's damn difficult. You're asking him to know how a eighteen-year-old girl thinks. That's something not even forty-year-olds have figured out yet. He can think like that because you haven't given him anything else to think about. He doesn't know how you feel because you haven't told him. He has no clue."
"No," I said slowly, "I guess not."
"But it's not fair," she added, "Because you might...love him and he thinks you hate him. So you've done a stand-up job of making sure no one else knows about your liking him but you've done such a good job that people now think you hate him, including him. I can't tell you what to do, but the ball is in your court now. You're in control here. Whatever you do next is up to you."
"Okay," I mumbled as I looked down at my lap, my gaze fixed on my clasped hands as they grew clammy, despite it being late May now. It was the twenty-seventh of May to be precise, or as it would be known in years to come, The Day I Would Regret Most.
As well as the clammy hands, there seemed to be a thick lump knotting itself in my throat, rising further up until it reached the back of my mouth. I swallowed once, twice, to get rid of the sickly feeling building in my throat, as well as in my stomach, and slowly the bile seemed to travel back down my gullet.
"Well, seeing as this was our last session, I won't get to find out either way how it all works out," my counsellor told me with a warm smile, "But I will wish you the best of luck with your exams and tell you to just ask the guy out already. I mean, he already tried once and you turned him down, out of fear. It was like a trigger response because it was the first thing you could think of. So, don't be so scared and at least tell him you don't hate him. And that was all off the record, by the way."
I laughed, "Okay. I'll see what I can do. Thank you for everything."
And with that, we bid our goodbyes as I walked out of the counsellor's office for the last time that year since starting to see her last October and down the corridor without a second glance, knowing the rest of my life, on my own, was going to start from now on.
That evening, I was at home and deciding what to wear when I would go out clubbing with my friend, Alice O'Kelley, later that night. It was the last official day of Year Thirteen sixth form, so most of our year group were going out to a local club on the High Street, called Zeus. The fact it was named after a Greek God was ironic, bearing in mind none of the male species who went to the club looked remotely as chiselled or proportionate as the Greek population were. But it was for a final get-together until our A-Level exams began, so I had been easily persuaded by Alice to go. She was meeting up with a few of her friends at a pub down the road for pre-drinks so I was going to meet her outside the club at half past ten.
Meanwhile, as I debated between a black dress with plunging armholes and a crop top with a leather skirt for the more racy outfit in order to work up the courage to talk to the boy, I started text messaging Hanna Saunders, who knew all too well about my little, not-so-little crush on a certain Finn Thompson.
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:03 PM : Im gonna do it
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:03 PM: Im gonna try and talk to him
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:03 PM: Tonight
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:04 PM: Go for it
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:04 PM: Do you think its what I should do tho
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:04 PM: Im bricking it
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:04 PM: You know me with my feelings
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:05 PM: I think you should see how he's reacting to you
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:05 PM: If he's talking fine then yeah
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:05 PM: If he's mucking about don't
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:05 PM: Coz he'll tear you apart
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:05 PM: I know
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:05 PM: I think Im gonna wait until hes drunk
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:05 PM: He tells the truth when hes drunk
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:05 PM: Phahaha
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:05 PM: Im so scared tho
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:05 PM: I didn't think there would ever be a day id be able to be upfront about this
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:06 PM: literally this has been a firm no since year 5
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:06 PM: Give it a go
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:06 PM: how far do I go
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:06 PM: im sorry to be asking you about all this stuff but youre the only person who knows
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:06 PM: Depends on how willing he is to listen
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:06 PM: Dw babe
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:06 PM: Don't say that to me
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:06 PM: I'm always here for ya
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:06 PM: Haha I know
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:06 PM: And I love you for it
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:06 PM: Aw love you xx
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:07 PM: I think I will actually end up crying today
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:07 PM: either way
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:07 PM: seeing Liv at school's really scared me tho
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:07 PM: Like a bad omen
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:07 PM: You don't believe in fate but you believe in omens?
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:07 PM: Awhhh
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:07 PM: Just let it out
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:08 PM: I believe in a bad sign
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:08 PM: Seeing his ex-girlfriend around school again's like a huge red warning sign
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:08 PM: But my counsellor asked me how would you feel if you left it like this, if you never talked to him again
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:08 PM: and my face just crumpled up and I was like I don't know, Id hate it and Id blame myself until I forgot
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:08 PM: She was like that's not an easy way to live
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:08 PM: And I just went I don't make things easy for myself
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:08 PM: She was like I know
INDIRA MISTRY FRI 27TH MAY 18:08 PM: She said youre very good at hiding and youre very good at persuasion
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:08 PM: Yeah she's right
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:08 PM: Hmmm
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:09 PM: But you're not very good at being upfront and emotional
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:09 PM: And that's ok
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:09 PM: Yep
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:09 PM: but some people wont hurt you for it, they'll love you more than ever and you have to ask yourself is he one of those people
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:09 PM: and I have no idea
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:09 PM: Yeah that's true
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:09 PM: You'll never know until you ask
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:09 PM: I don't think Ive got it in me
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:09 PM: If it goes wrong again, like the first time
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:09 PM: Awhhh, well just think about if you didn't ask
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:10 PM: I mean imagine if you said this stuff to Nikhil
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:10 PM: You'd hate yourself more for not asking
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:10 PM: And you liked him longer than I liked Finn
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:10 PM: Yeah but it wasn't real
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:10 PM: I was a kid
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:10 PM: Im clearly mental
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:10 PM: close enough
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:10 PM: Not really
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:10 PM: Apparently
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:10 PM: but she asked me something really scary today
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:10 PM: What
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:10 PM: something I was actually terrified of even saying out loud
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:10 PM: ...
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:11 PM: She just went its very deep-rooted isn't it
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:11 PM: These feelings you have for this guy
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:11 PM: Yep
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:11 PM: Theres something in counselling they call sublimation
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:11 PM: and she brought that up when I said ive dated other people in between me and him starting year 12
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:11 PM: and she asked me why those relationships ended
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:11 PM: oh I know why
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:11 PM: and I just went well bc one of them told me they loved me and the other one had another girlfriend anyway and was cheating on her with me and another was just a fling and I needed time out for exams
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:11 PM: And she just said correct me if im wrong, but that's not the reason
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:11 PM: I agree with her
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:11 PM: the closest thing to the truth is the reason with the person who said I love you
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:11 PM: You broke up bc you didn't feel the same way
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: Hmm
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: And it's not bc youre emotionless or detached or you have no feelings or bc you're just stringing people along
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: But its bc you've already committed to someone else
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: I agree
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: Yes yes yes
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: and that is you as a person through and through
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: You don't lie to someone else and tell them you love them when you dont
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: And she just went I don't know if you love him, do you think you love him
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: And I just went dear god I hope not
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: And she said I don't think youre in love with him, but I do think you love him
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: The reason you ended it with those other people was bc it was getting serious and you cant commit to them bc you've already invested so much time and energy on someone else
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: and no one would compare
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: but you still look for other people as way of distraction bc either you cant have or you wont let yourself have what you really want
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: Makes sense
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: I told you
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: And that in counselling terms is what they call sublimation
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: She wanted me to promise myself Id to what was right and I promised her that
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: Yeah that's good
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:12 PM: I wish you could see what we can see
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: And what is it that you can see
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: That youre stronger than you think, you don't need to worry about showing your emotions, that doesn't change the person you are. You should be comfortable without using this persona. Youre amazing the way you are
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: No joke
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: Aww babe
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: And what is the persona?
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: The I don't care about anyone even tho I really do persona
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: The one I don't like
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: Well ill message you and see how it goes
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: if he's even there
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: Ok that's fine
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: Im kind of hoping he wont be
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: So I can chicken out and it wont be my fault
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: Who knows
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: He'll probably turn up
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: Nah it's not meant to be
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: Fuck off
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: Don't think that
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: It's just chance
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: Yeah I guess
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:14 PM: I'm kind of hoping he's not there tonight tho
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:15 PM: Just go and have fun
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:15 PM: You kind of want him to be there at the same time too
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 18:15 PM: Idk what the hell I want anymore
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:15 PM: Phahaha
HANNA SAUNDERS, FRI 27TH MAY 18:15 PM: That's emotions for you
Two hours later, I put my phone on charge so it wouldn't switch off halfway through the night as I still had to text my mum at least once every hour after midnight to stop her from worrying until I reached Alice's house where I would be staying over until the morning. I pulled out the sheer black dress from before and pulled it over my head, turning this way and that as I admired it in the mirror. This look wouldn't work with a bra, I realised, as there were low slung armholes for the sides of the body to be shown. I unhooked the clasp with my fingers and pulled the straps out through the armholes, pulling off the bra and throwing it onto my bed. Luckily, my breasts were small enough to be able to get away with not having to wear a bra for one night, well, as long as it wouldn't get too chilly.
With that, my attention turned to my make-up bag for when I would start doing my look for the night. I went for a simple and muted pink look, light colours on the eyelids with a brown transition shade that was only a few shades darker than my skin tone. A light application of bronzer powder on my cheekbones and along my jawline, blush on the apples of my cheeks and highlight on the high points of my features, and I was done. But not before I applied a coral shade to my lips and a dark pair of irises glanced at my smiling reflection in the mirror; ensuring that I looked like a girl who in a few hours could be standing in front of a boy, telling him that she didn't hate him and in fact very possibly, imminently, had feelings for him. My dark hair had been straightened for the occasion and it fell past my shoulders, almost reaching the arch of my back.
"Tui kokhon bari ashchis?" 'When are you coming home?'
I spun around from where I had been trying to figure out what was missing or what there was a lack of on my facial features as something had seemed...incomplete, undone. My mother was hovering by the door and upon noticing my black dress-clad body and made-up face, she had started to worry again.
"Kalke shokale, Alice-er tuition ache tho attar moton eshe jabo," 'Tomorrow morning, Alice has tuition so at eight-ish I should come back," I replied, "Kaj kamon chilo?" 'How was work?'
"Same to same," my mother lisped out in her thick accent. I smiled to myself upon reminding myself that that was the only words of English she might have picked up in her eight years of living in England.
"Ora keu tomar shathe kotha bolchena?" 'None of them are talking to you?' I asked as I picked up two gold-plated hoop earrings from the bookshelf, each of them with a heart block through the ring, and tried to push them into my earlobes.
"Kokhon kotha bolte shuru korlo?" 'When did they start talking?' she asked me, her voice filled with regret and melancholy, "Ami tho kotha bolte pari na, oder prio Inreji te." 'I'm the one who can't talk, in their beloved English.'
"Tumi cheshta korte paro," 'You can try,' I told her with fervour as I picked out the ring I wanted to wear and slid it onto my left hand.
"Ahahaha," 'Oh,' my mother snapped, "Tor jonne tho sahaj, tui tho ekhanei boro hoichis." 'It's easy for you, you grew up here.'
"Ami akhon akta jogra bathate chaina," 'I don't want to start an argument now,' I pulled my black bag onto my shoulder as I checked the time on my phone. Quarter to ten. If I left now, I could meet Alice at wherever she was pre-drinking and that way, not initiate a bigger dispute between me and my mother, put some space between us. "Okay, ami akhon jachchi, bhalo theko." 'Okay, I'm going now, take care.'
"Tui bhalo thakis," 'You take care,' was my mother's reply, "Jodi tui tor bondhur barite na jash, bari chole ash, ami jege thakbo." 'If you don't go to your friend's house, come back home, I'll stay awake."
"Ami shokale eshejabo," 'I'll be back in the morning,' I insisted, "Tumi ghumote jao." 'Go to sleep.'
"Bhalo thakis," 'Take care,' she repeated with a firm nod, "Amar shudhu tui ar Norah achis. Amar ar keu nei." 'I only have you and Norah. I have no one else.'
"Ami jani," 'I know,' I said with a warm smile as I headed out of my room and down the stairs to pluck out my set of keys from the closet, "Love you."
"Love you, Indira," my mother doted, opening up the front door for me.
That was the other bit of English she knew – how to say 'I love you'. She had taught herself from romantic comedies, no doubt. My mother was prime bait for everything rose-tinted, light-hearted and as far from reality as could be imagined. She used to joke that seeing as she had endured so many hardships in her life, she didn't need any more drama since she was already practically living in one. It took me until I reached about eleven years of age, the year everything fell apart, for both me and my mother, to realise it wasn't a joke after all.
"Bye, Norah!" I shouted up the stairs to my younger, six-year-old sister, my voice immediately flicking back to the English brogue, "See you tomorrow!"
"Bye, didi!" 'Bye, sister!' was her all-too-Indian reply, no doubt to appease our mother. She had been complaining how I had forgotten my roots entirely and that Norah was her saving grace, knowing more about our culture than I did.
A few seconds later, a brown-haired child appeared at the foot of the stairs as she eyed me up and down, noting that I was wearing clothes to go out and that I was mere inches from the front door, "Where you going?" she asked in a sing-song voice as our mother watched the exchange between us, none the wiser since she barely spoke ten words of the language.
"Out." That was my terse reply. I had spent almost a week persuading Ma to let me go out, adding the fact that Alice would be coming and I would be with her for the whole night and how everyone in our year group was going to be out and did she want me to be the social pariah of the school for effect. I wouldn't have it be ruined by a six-year-old in her pyjamas who should have been long asleep by now.
I walked out into the cool summer evening, not feeling more or less than lukewarm in my natty leather jacket that an aunt had gotten me for my fifteenth birthday and the black dress I had bought online a few months ago to wear out on a special occasion.
"Ami ki toke pouche debo?" 'Shall I give you a lift?' my mother checked, although I had reassured her a hundred times already I would be fine simply walking half an hour down to the High Street and that I would text her as soon as I reached Alice and her friends in the pub.
"Na, baba, ami theek achi," 'No, God, I'm fine.' I told her with a subtle roll of my eyes.
"Ami jani je tui theek achis. Ami janina jodi tui theek thakbi." 'I know that you're fine now. I don't know if you'll stay fine.' She said pointedly, with a raise of her dark eyebrows.
I threw a look to Norah, a look that said it all, a sort of see-what-you've-done-now? look, to which she responded to by chuckling to herself. "I hope it's funny now, Nor. Because it won't be when you're in hell for screwing up my plans too many times to count." But I didn't really mind. Norah had already been through too many ups and downs for a regular six-year-old that meant she was now no longer regular, but rather irregular. That just made all the things she did, all the typical six-year-old things, like laughing at her older sister's misfortune, all the more rare and all the more enjoyable.
"What's hell?" came her stupendous reply and I shook my head. Maybe she wasn't as far off from an ordinary six-year-old as I had thought. Maybe there was still time for her.
"Tui abar tor bon ke baje kotha shekachis?" 'Are you teaching bad words to your sister again?' my mother checked when she finally caught on to another word she had managed to learn – hell.
"Na, o jeegesha korche," 'No, she was asking,' I informed her, "Ami kichchu bolini. Theekache, ami akhon jai, kal dakha hobe." 'I didn't say anything. Okay, I'm going now. I'll see you tomorrow.'
With that, I began walking down the road as I fumbled through my black shoulder bag, searching for my phone and the pair of earphones I had tossed in here before. Pulling them both out, I stuck the earphones in and slid the phone back into the bag. Five minutes later and once I was at the end of my road, my phone began to ring.
"Hello?" I spoke into the mic of the earphone piece when I had checked the caller: Alice O'Kelley and the screen of the phone lit up with a photo she had taken of herself, all blonde hair and green eyes, preening at the camera as she stuck her tongue out and closed one eye.
"Hey, babe, how far are you from the pub?" she asked all at once, "You left yet? Don't tell me your mum didn't let you out again? Did you manage to sneak out or what?"
"About half an hour," I said, checking the time on my phone, "Yes, yes, no."
"Yes, yes, no?" Alice echoed, confusion showing through her tone.
"Yes, I've left. Yes, I won't tell you my mum didn't let me out again because she did. No, I didn't have to sneak out because she knows I'm going," I established with her, quickening my pace of walking when I realised I was supposed to meet Alice in less than twenty minutes.
"That's good," she said and I could practically hear her grinning down the line, "Oh, I'm so excited about tonight. It's going to be so good. I'm absolutely buzzing. And just to let you know, I'm here with my vodka coolers, waiting for you. Magda's with Zawe. They're all over each other and I'm feeling more like a gooseberry by the second. Oh, and Kiera and Lewis are here too."
"Oh, okay, can't wait," I said hurriedly, "Should be a great night. I mean, it's the last night at school. Can you believe we never have to go to school again? Well, unless it's for our exams. Speaking of which, I still have eight exams and I've already failed the three I've done."
"Oh, hon, I have eight in total," Alice shamelessly boasted, "And don't worry, that Chemistry paper was hell. I'm pretty sure I did worse than what I got last year and I ended up with a C."
I rolled my eyes, "Don't even get me started. But you'll have aced it. You always do, Liss. You come out of an exam complaining about how horrific it was and then on results day, you miraculously get a good grade."
"Not last year," she countered, "Last year, I got a C. This year, I don't know, I'm thinking it might be a D, or worse. And anyway, that's not me. That's all you. I seem to remember a certain someone coming out of Psychology last year insisting she'd tanked it and was going to fail. Come results day and you ended up with an A. Explain that one, Ind."
"Can't, I'm afraid. That was an act of God," I said with a shrug, although she wasn't right there to see me, "Or whoever the hell it is that's in charge of education up there."
"I was going to say," Alice began, "I didn't think you believed in God."
"Don't," I said briefly, "I can't. Not really. Not after everything but there's no point getting that all up today. Not on a day we're supposed to be having the best night of our young lives. Hey, can I ask you something?"
"Is it how long I've been waiting for you?" she cut in, swift as ever, "Because it's been bloody ages. I'm on my third vodka cooler. At this rate, I'll be broke and kicked out of the pub by the time you get here. You know, Zeus are having a themed night tonight. It's masquerade."
"Masquerade?" I checked, "Where are we, America? Why masquerade? And I don't have a fancy ball gown or anything. I'm wearing a little black dress, for crying out loud, with side boob on show."
"Ooh, nice," she purred, "Anyway, you can't go wrong with a little black dress. And I think they're going to be giving out masks by the entrance. Just like a little plastic one. I've seen people roaming around with them already. I think it makes the whole club scene easier. You know, get off with a stranger and you don't even know what their face looks like because half of it's covered. No face, no regrets."
"You should get that printed on t-shirts," I said with a smile.
"I know," she replied with a soft laugh, "I'm just a genius like that."
I licked my lips for courage before continuing, "Anyway, I was going to ask, do you know if Finn or James or any of that lot are going to be out tonight?"
"Finn Thompson and James Carter?" she mused, "I don't think so."
And with that sentence, came a crushing feeling in my chest and the depths of my stomach, as though my insides suddenly had a mind of their own and were coiling in on themselves, knocking all of the air out of my lungs and causing my abdomen to feel sunken and hollow.
"Oh, okay," I said eventually, "I see."
"No, it's just that I heard Olivia was going to be there tonight and I doubt Finn would come out if there was a chance of him running into his ex-girlfriend," she said, "At least, I don't think he's coming. James might be though, unless he has work. I guess you're asking because you're finally thinking of making a move on him?"
"James?" I asked incredulously, before remembering the last thing I had told her about liking him, "Oh, yeah. Well, maybe, if he's even there."
"He'll be there," she said in an all-knowing voice, "I don't know, Ind, I think tonight could be the night. Tonight could be when you get your man."
I was, in fact, hoping tonight would be the night I got my man. But Alice was wrong about which man it was that I wanted. It was only a few weeks earlier that I had let it slip to her that I liked someone at our school and knowing Alice, she wasn't going to let it rest until she found out exactly who that someone was. So she began guessing, Thomas, Kyle, Benjamin, Curtis, Samuel, Regan and finally she got to Finn, giving a little laugh when she said the name. My expression had dropped and I wondered, what if I just told her I did like him? What would happen? She was one of my best friends, surely she wouldn't hold it against me. And her face just sort of changed. Her eyes widened and a look of realisation dawned upon her, as though she had hit the guessing jackpot.
"Oh my God," she had breathed, "It is him, isn't it? It's Finn. You like Finn. I can't say it's a surprise, I mean, you have two lessons with him and you two do flirt a lot—"
"It's James," I had cut in with a lie, "It's James. I like him. Not Finn. That's why I couldn't tell you. It's weird. We're just friends and I know that but he's got a decent personality."
"Decent personality," she had repeated, "Ah, young romance. Are you going to tell him?"
"No," I had said with a fervent shake of my head, "I can't tell James. If anything, he has to come up to me first or else it just looks desperate."
So it had been easier than I thought to conceal the truth with a lie. A small white lie that instead of having feelings for the one boy I hadn't let myself have, I liked his best friend in that way instead. His best friend, who was five inches shorter, slightly overweight and I had only spoken to a total of five times. I didn't know enough about him to like.
"My man?" I repeated her words now, the feeling of them in my mouth feeling heavy and all too real, "I don't think so."
"Hm, well," Alice said down the line, "We'll just have to see."
Suddenly, the call cut off and I was left listening to a ring tone. I stared at my phone, blinking for a few seconds, before looking up to see I had reached the park about ten minutes from the High Street. A car driving down the road sounded its horn to catch my attention and I rolled my eyes, slightly flattered from the cat-call, as I carried on walking.
My phone screen lit up a moment later with a message from Alice.
ALICE O'KELLEY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:13 PM: What the hell happened
ALICE O'KELLEY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:14 PM: Are you okay???
ALICE O'KELLEY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:14 PM: The call just cut off
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:14 PM: Yeah that was strange
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:14 PM: But Im fine
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:14 PM: And only 5 mins away now
ALICE O'KELLEY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:15 PM: Okay good
ALICE O'KELLEY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:15 PM: Do you want me to be on the phone with you until you get here
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:15 PM: Nah Ill be fine
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:15 PM: See you soon
ALICE O'KELLEY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:15 PM: Okay
ALICE O'KELLEY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:15 PM: Stay safe
I made my way on the five minute walk, which actually turned out to be an eight minute walk, towards where Alice was sitting at the pub with her friends.
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:24 PM: Im here
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:24 PM: Where are you
ALICE O'KELLEY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:25 PM: Left the pub
ALICE O'KELLEY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:25 PM: Come to the cash machine
ALICE O'KELLEY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:25 PM: We're all here
A few seconds later and I had found Alice and her friends waiting by the cash machine as other people took out spending money for the night. Alice was swaying a little from side to side in the cool late summer night breeze, her eyes widening when she noticed me and a smile tugging her lips. She reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me into the queue. She looked stunning, wearing a red, lacy jumpsuit, her blonde hair also straightened and almost reaching her waist, her green eyes hooded and minimal make-up on her features, only eyeliner, mascara, bronzer, highlight and lipstick from what I could see.
"Hey," she greeted warmly, "Finally managed to get here then."
"Ten out of ten for observation," I replied cheekily, to which she rolled her eyes and huddled up closer because, unlike me who was warm in her leather jacket, she wasn't wearing anything over her bare arms and was probably feeling a little chilly from all the alcohol she had knocked back.
"It wasn't that bad walking down, was it?" she asked.
"No, got cat-called a few times, one wolf-whistle," I noted, "Made me feel great but I think I've lost an earring."
"Maybe it fell into your bag," she chuckled, digging into it herself and producing one gold earring in the palm of her hand, "And I should think so too. You look hot."
"Shut up, babe," I told her with a laugh, shaking my head, "Says you."
It was then that I remembered my promise to my mother before I left that I would text her as soon as I met up with Alice and her friends. Her two friends, Magda and Kiera, as well as their partners, Zawe, who was Magda's girlfriend of two years, and Lewis, who was Kiera's on-off boyfriend of five months.
INDIRA MISTRY, FRI 27TH MAY 22:28 PM: Ami eshe gechi, Alice-r shonge achi, tumi chinta koro na [I have arrived, I'm with Alice, you don't have to worry]
MA, FRI 27TH MAY 22:29 PM: Ami shobshomoi chinta korbo, ami tor ma, Norah ghumote gache ar amio shudhu TV dekhchi. Bhabhji je ami ektu Inreji bola sheekte parbo. [I will always worry, I'm your mum, Norah's gone to sleep and I'm just watching TV. I'm thinking that I'll learn how to speak English.]
Alice glanced over curiously at my phone and her eyebrows rose at the contact name as she gestured to it with a nod of her head. "Who's Ma?"
"It's Bengali," I told her, "Bengali for Mum."
"Ah, I see," she said with another nod, "You taking any cash out?"
"No, I've already got thirty on me. Can't really afford to get any more for now, I'm broke as is. There are some upsides to being a complete lightweight, you know. You save some serious money for one."
The next thing I knew, we were queuing up in the line to Zeus, hair tousled, lined eyes wide, eager with excitement, both of us having previously drunk a little alcohol to steady our nerves. Alice had had drink because according to her, duh, it's Friday night and I had had a bottle of cider and three shots of vodka in the line already, to ready myself to bare myself to the boy I had directly-but-indirectly been trying to tell I liked for the past one and a half years. Bare myself in the sense of it being more emotionally than physically, but hey, if it was going to be physical, I wouldn't object to that. As we approached the front of the line, a pair of bouncers stood by the door, eyeing us up and down.
I handed over my driving licence as form of ID and the bouncer glanced from the picture on the little plastic card to my face, trying to find similarities. Eventually, he gave me a nod and ushered me through the ropes. Another bouncer checked the contents of my bag before nodding and I walked through to the ticket counter, handing over seven pounds in exchange for entry and the cashier slid a plastic black mask across the counter, where I picked it up and held it over my face, tying the strings at the back over my hair.
And we were in.
Alice took my lower arm as she and her friends effortlessly glided into the main dance floor. Immediately, Magda and Zawe went into the toilets together so the four of us, Alice, Kiera, Lewis and I headed towards the bar to order a drink.
"Double vodka and Coke, please!" I shouted over the music to the bartender once we had managed to capture his attention.
He gave me a slight nod and turned his back, starting to mix the drinks as Alice sipped on her Malibu and pineapple juice beside me, "It's not really packed yet!" she hollered into my ear as she looked around, "Going to get a lot busier later on!"
"I'm alright!" I replied to her, grabbing my drink from the counter and handing over four pounds to the bartender, "Where did Kiera go?!"
"I think outside!" was Alice's response, "Lewis wanted a smoke and she wanted to talk to him about something. They're having some problems, I don't know."
"Oh," I said more to myself than her, "Is it just us two for now, then?"
"Maybe," Alice said with a shrug as she sipped on her drink through a straw, "Mags and Zawe have been in the toilet for ages. But, you know, they're a couple," and she rolled her eyes, "We need a pee is probably code for we want to get off with each other in a bathroom stall because we've spent more than ten minutes not holding hands. And you just know what 'holding hands' really means." She gave me a pointed look, all arched eyebrows and a half-smile painted on her ruby lips.
"Hmm, well, they're in love," I hummed thoughtfully. "Let the couples be couples and let the singles drink enough for the both of them."
"Amen to that," she said, raising her glass as our drinks clinked against one another, "I'm happy though, that they've got each other. Everyone needs someone from time to time." Alice threw me an all-knowing glance and her eyes wandered over to the dance floor, where two girls were making their way towards the bar, "Hey, is that Calla?"
I looked up from where I was swishing my drink with my straw, trying to blend the vodka in more with the Coke so the taste wasn't as strong to see the two girls, one with blonde hair, the other with black, as they weaved their way through the dancing crowd to order their drinks. I recognised them both almost instantly. The raven-haired girl was called Lucy someone, I didn't know the surname for definite since she went to another school, and the blonde with her was Calla Nordstrom, a girl who went to our sixth form and I had never talked to before for longer than ten seconds.
"Yeah, I think so," I replied, "Calla and Lucy."
"Oh, I know Lucy. She used to be in my Spanish class for GCSE and she used to come over to our school once a week to do ICT," Alice said, "Let's go over and talk to them."
Alice led me through the crowd around the bar, demanding drinks in exchange for coins, five pound and ten pound notes, towards the girls, who were leaning with their elbows on the counter as they waited for their drinks. Calla had her blonde hair down, fanning her face, the length reaching just past her shoulders. She had on a tight grey crop top and a pair of black jeans with a denim jacket tied around her waist. Her blue eyes carefully observed the large room before landing on us with a relaxed smile.
"Hey!" She stood up straighter, pulling Alice and I into a hug, "Didn't know you guys were going to be here."
"Yeah," Alice replied, "I think most people from school are out tonight. Who are you with?"
"It's just me and Luce tonight," Calla replied, her eyes quickly flickering towards me, "Hey, Indira. So, who have you guys come with?"
"Mags and Zawe, oh, and Kiera and Lewis are here too. We met up with them outside."
"Right, yeah," was her half-hearted reply before Calla and Lucy grabbed their drinks, each other's hand and made their way over to the main floor where they began to dance, arms draped over each other's shoulders.
It was twenty minutes later and Alice and I were now too on the dance floor, swaying in time to the music and trying to appear sultry with Magda and Zawe when Alice looked over my shoulder and past my head, which wasn't that hard really, since I was five foot one, five foot three in the black heels I had on, towards the entrance.
"There's James now," she said, gesturing her head towards where I turned around to see no one other than James Carter, stood there in his five foot seven self, holding a beer in his right hand and patting his friend on the back with the other as they hugged. "Are you going to go up and talk to him?"
I frantically searched the room for a long-legged blonde boy with hazel eyes, in other words, looking for Finn Thompson, to no avail. He appeared to be a no-show tonight. Not that I was complaining. I couldn't bear the thought of pouring my heart out to anyone, let alone a real-life, breathing human boy who, there was a possibility, wouldn't return my feelings in the same way.
"Not yet," I told her, bobbing my head in time to the song lyrics playing through the speakers up on stage, "Haven't drunk enough yet."
"I get that," Alice replied, with a laugh.
The next thing I knew, I was slowly edging my way out of consciousness as I ordered another double vodka and Coke from the bartender and made my way back to Alice, who was twirling around with Zawe on the dance floor. Ironically, the song 'I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor' by Arctic Monkeys started playing and they jiggled their hips, giggling together. Magda smiled towards me and asked, "A dance, Ind?" to which of course, I agreed and we moved around together, me trying to balance my drink from spilling and Magda, wide-eyed, pupils as large as saucers and I knew she hadn't gone into the toilet before to have some private time with her girlfriend but rather to buy drugs from whoever had set up their stall in the ladies' toilets that night.
Before I realised what was going on, Alice danced her way over to me and pulled me into a close embrace, whispering, "Oh, look, there's your best friend," into my ear. It took me a few seconds to realise a male presence from behind me. I slowly turned around, my drink still in one hand, to see Finn Thompson himself standing only a few feet away from me. He was clad in a pair of jeans, a plain t-shirt, a coat for some reason, as well as a dark masquerade mask over his hazel eyes, making them all the more prominent.
"Fancy seeing you here," were the first words I spoke.
"Black masks," he noted, his eyes wandering over mine, "Looks like we're a match."
"Mm, well," I said. "We didn't get to talk to each other a lot today. And you never asked if I was going out, so I thought it might add to the surprise."
"I'm not surprised," he let me know gently. "You're here pretty much every weekend with Alice. What is it, like a second home to you now?" Finn was joking, I knew he was, but I still couldn't help the warmth that bloomed in my stomach, spreading over and towards my chest, where it caused my lungs to slightly constrict as I caught my breath and prayed he wouldn't notice the effect his mere presence had on me.
"No, don't be a twat," I chuckled, "That's school." I said, before correcting myself, "That was school."
He allowed his mouth to crack a small smile as his hands travelled from the back pocket of his jeans towards the pocket of his coat – who wears a coat to a nightclub in early summer, I don't know – and I let my curiosity get the better of me. I tracked the movement of his arm with my gaze until it reached a stop.
"What is that?" I asked, and for some reason, probably down to the amount of alcohol I had already consumed that evening, I tried to grab the thing from his grasp.
Understandably, he looked considerably surprised and confused, but then another emotion came into play. He very nearly appeared amused as he tried to keep his belonging out of my reach before slowly taking the packet out of his coat pocket and showing me a carton of Amber Leaf cigarettes.
"Oh," I said in a breathless whisper, "Sorry, I don't know what's gotten into me."
"I do," Finn said with a light chuckle, holding his enjoyment right there on his features for a few moments before he nodded at the drink in my hand, "A lot of alcohol."
I rolled my eyes, my eyelids drooping as I pursed my lips at him, "Bingo."
That was the last I saw of Finn Thompson for the next hour or so. I don't exactly know what happened or who walked away first but the next thing I knew, I was back dancing with Alice, Magda and Zawe when they announced they were opening the doors to upstairs. There was a huge uproar as the crowd began to push us all towards the doors in an attempt to get the party continued, only this time, it would be upstairs as the lower floor was going to be used as a strip club.
"You are stunning," I was telling Calla when we were at the bar again, and that was the next thing I could remember, "I mean, seriously, just look at yourself."
She laughed, pushing a strand of hair back behind her ear, her fingers brushing against her red masquerade mask as she did so, "Thanks. So are you," to which I rolled my eyes, "Seriously, Indira, you're one of the prettiest girls I know. You have so much going for you. I just know you're going to make something amazing of yourself."
I furrowed my eyebrows, an expression of doubt crossing my features, "Really?"
"Really," Calla echoed the sentiment, a look of relief settling over her features when she glanced over my head. It was Finn coming over to us and he stopped when he reached Calla, throwing an arm lazily across her shoulder. "Finally. Thompson, I've been looking for you all bloody night. Where the hell have you been? Chatting up some random girl, asking her if she comes here often, I bet."
"Oh, come on, Cal," he said, "You know I only have eyes for you."
"Ever the charmer," she rolled her eyes, "And it's Calla. No nicknames, ever. Not for anyone."
"But you have to make an exception for me," he insisted, dropping a kiss on her hair as he pulled her close, "I mean, how long is it that we've known each other now? Since we were about five, so that makes...thirteen years?"
"He thinks just because we grew up together, we have so much in common," Calla told me, before turning to him, "I don't think so, Finn. I have my best mate, it's Lucy, and then I have the Nightingale lot. That's Alice, Kiera, Mags, Zawe, all of us that are going away on holiday to Malaga together." Then her gaze fell upon me, someone who was neither a part of the Nightingale group of friends – Nightingale was just the name of the form group the girls used to be in at our school – and nor was I going away on holiday to Spain with them, "And, of course, Indira's an honorary member."
"You two know each other quite well then?" Finn asked, his gaze switching between the two of us.
"We talk, sure," I said with a nod, "So, are you two friends or something else?"
I had hoped to ask that question so casually, so effortlessly, as though it was just passing through my mind in the spur of the moment and I prayed it sounded just like that, even though the way the rest of the evening would play out depended on the answer.
"He wishes," Calla said with a laugh, digging him in the ribs with her elbow, "No, but Finny had a crush on me when we were little kids. That's all over now though. He doesn't like me anymore. I missed out, big time, apparently." She widened her eyes at me, as though to let on she was evidently joking.
I stifled a smile as I sipped on my fourth vodka and Coke of the night and my memories from earlier that night blurred themselves in the back of my thoughts.
"Don't you know it," Finn raised his eyebrows as he leaned over her short, but still taller than me, stature of five foot four towards the bar, ordering his drinks of two more beers, one for him and the other, I presumed was for James.
A few minutes later, and I was back on the dance floor with Alice. She had found a relatively empty space for us to dance along with Magda and Zawe. It was then that Kiera and Lewis came up to us, with hugs all around, from where their skin was cold to the touch and they each had the strong scent of cigarette smoke and lager on their breaths.
Kiera pulled me into a hug and then, when Lewis did the same from the several times I had met him before, he murmured into my ear, "You look good." I could only put the friendly greeting down to an unquestionable amount of alcohol he had already consumed and probably a good deal of weak drugs too.
"Sorry we took so long," Kiera huffed out, "Lewis took fucking ages smoking his packet of cigs and then deciding he needed to go out and buy another packet because apparently, lung cancer just isn't a problem anymore."
"Is this what they've been having problems about?" I asked Alice discreetly and she just rolled her eyes, blowing out a sigh.
"Don't get me started." Then louder, she added, "Well, it's fine. Both of you are here now."
We reformed our dancing circle, only this time with Kiera and Lewis standing on opposite ends of each other and let ourselves dissolve back into the music. One thing we all had in common but slightly different too, was how much we had to drink and just how intoxicated we all were. Magda, Zawe, Alice, Calla, Finn and I.
Magda, who was partly drunk and partly putting it on in an attempt to convince herself she was drunker than she actually was, and Zawe, who was designated driver, so she was taking her sweet time with her second and last bottle of cheap beer for the night. Alice was still pretty much sober, being the polar opposite of me and someone who it took a lot of alcohol and a variety of different kinds for her to get drunk. Calla, from what I had seen, was pretty much out of her senses after the first two drinks she had had so far at the club and Finn, also, was slurring his words a little now from earlier this evening, when his language was so sharp, it could have cut through glass. I, on the other hand, was quite in my senses but at the same time, I had gaps in my memory from small things that I was forgetting, small snapshots of time that just kept escaping me.
Like what happened next.
It was half past midnight and I had managed to unlock my phone through my intoxicated state for long enough to open up my text messages and start a text message to my mum.
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 00:27 AM: Im ok, you don't have to worry, still at the club.
Oh, shit. My mother wouldn't understand that. I released a slow sigh, rubbing my eyes with my fingertips and cursing when I realised I was wiping off my eye make-up, before pulling up my phone again and beginning to translate English to Bengali.
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 00:29 AM: Ami theek achi, tumi chinta koro na, ami akhono baere achi
When I looked up next, it was only Lewis and I dancing together as Alice had gone after Kiera, who was a lot drunker than she had been letting on and had disappeared to meet with one of her friends, who she had spotted earlier. Lewis and I danced for a while in time to the 'Wolves' track that had been sweeping the charts all month. That was until he came closer and let me know that he was going up to get a drink and did I want to come with him. I did, bearing in mind Alice and Kiera were now nowhere to be seen and the last thing I wanted at one in the morning was to be dancing alone in a nightclub, so I accepted the offer and started to follow Lewis up to the bar.
On the way to it, weaving through crowds of people and friends gathered together and dancing on a typical Friday night – well now, Saturday morning – I saw numerous people from our sixth form, particularly our year, as well as alumni who used to attend our school a year or two ago. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Calla and Finn dancing together in a small group with their friends. Her hands were slung around his neck and his were draped around her waist and the only thing I could think to do was, this look harmless enough; it's fine. They're just dancing. That's something friends normally do, to convince myself there was nothing going on between them.
And I could have guessed the next thing that was going to happen, albeit my denial. Even I, through my drunken stupor, blearily making my way towards the bar from the middle of the dance floor, could see it when Finn reached down, cocking his head towards Calla's, who was looking up at him as she threw her hair behind her shoulders. I blinked and as my eyes opened, Finn and Calla were kissing, their mouths intertwined as her hands travelled up to his blonde curls and his hands drifted to around her hips, pulling her body closer to his so she rose up to the tips of her toes.
I eventually tore my eyes away, a dry taste lingering in my mouth despite that I had tossed away the straw for my drink and was now downing the alcohol like my life depended upon it, eyelids dropping closed, even if it was to dissipate the rather unpleasant image forming in the back of my mind. The image of Finn Thompson and Calla Nordstrom, both single, both friends, both kissing, each other for that matter, while I hurried to keep up with Lewis as he reached the bar.
So, still, I couldn't tell you the exact moment in time I realised that I loved him.
It could have been when he knew it was me from behind, although we were both wearing masquerade masks, when I was dancing and he was just stood there, when Alice had told me 'oh, look, it's your best friend' earlier that evening and my heart did this strange thing, where it stuttered in its pace as I was turning around, before my eyes fell on him.
But now, I realised it wasn't. It was now, this very moment. The point in time I saw him kissing one of the most gorgeous girls I had ever met in person. Calla Nordstrom. A girl I wouldn't ever be able to match up to. A girl who had everything I wanted, including the boy.
"Where's Kiera?" I managed to rasp out to her boyfriend once he had ordered our drinks and even paid for me although I had insisted I could pay for my own sixth double vodka and Coke.
Lewis shook his head, "She could be anywhere," he said, offering a shrug, "Doing anything, with anyone. It's shit."
I didn't fail to miss the hint of resentment in his tone, a slight, sharp edge of bitterness as he debated the faithfulness of his girlfriend was and I thought to myself just how stressful it must be for those in a relationship. What was I doing rushing to get into one of the same thing?
"Hmm," I hummed, "Well, at least you didn't see the guy you're crushing on kiss another girl. That's what's really shit."
Lewis pulled a face in sympathy, "Sorry, Ind."
Then again, maybe it was a friendly kiss. Was that even a thing? A kiss between friends. More so, a kiss between drunken friends. Yes, I knew it was. It had been done before. There had been more than one occasion when I had gotten drunk where I had kissed a few of my friends from school, namely, Samuel once and Regan more than once. Maybe that was what was going on between Finn and Calla.
So, with that thought in mind, I pushed their shared kiss out of mind and continued the night with my friends when Lewis and I found Alice and Kiera again, as well as Magda and Zawe returning from wherever they had gone off to as we all started dancing together again. It was when I was into the third song after being reunited with my friends that I decided to plough on with my initial plan, the plan to tell Finn how I felt about him and how I had been feeling since two months into sixth form. I had to do this. I had to correct what he thought of me. I had to rectify what he thought I thought of him. I deserved that much to allow myself some closure. Once and for all.
And that was the last thing I remember thinking until I got back to Alice's house at around ten past four o'clock in the morning. Thankfully, her parents were on holiday somewhere, leaving her older brother, Fred, to look after her, both of them home alone for a few days. It was then, for some reason, through my drink-induced state that I thought although I hadn't managed to gather up the courage to talk face-to-face with Finn tonight, maybe it would be easier to text message him.
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:17 AM: I don't hate you
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:19 AM: Good
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:19 AM: That's what I like to hear
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:20 AM: Really?
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:20 AM: Yeah, it's nice to hear
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:20 AM: Okay
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:20 AM: Good
This was going well. He seemed to want to listen, to comply. He hadn't delivered a half-hearted reply or some sarcastic comment yet, so that could only mean good news. I thought back to what Hanna had been telling me only a few hours ago as I pondered what to write next. Then, due to just how intoxicated I really was without even having realised it myself, I accidentally pressed the 'Call' button and just as quickly, cancelled the action.
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:21 AM: Ay piss calling
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:22 AM: Didn't mean that
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:22 AM: Im quite gone
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:23 AM: You what now
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:23 AM: Im very drunk
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:23 AM: I know, me too
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:24 AM: Listen
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:24 AM: Don't get back together with your ex
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:24 AM: She doesn't deserve you
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:25 AM: Not that I do
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:26 AM: I won't she's a bitch
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:26 AM: Who Olivia
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:26 AM: Yh
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:26 AM: You deserve so much better
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:26 AM: Just don't get back with her
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:27 AM: I won't mush
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:27 AM: Are you at home
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:27 AM: Yeah
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:28 AM: Already?
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:28 AM: Yh ages ago
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:31 AM: Im gonna ask something risky
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:31 AM: But Im wasted
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:31 AM: Go on
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:31 AM: Can we meet at some point during the summer
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:31 AM: typing...
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:31 AM: typing...
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:32 AM: I like Calla
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:32 AM: Oh
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:32 AM: Did I tell you about what happened when I was younger
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:32 AM: No
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:32 AM: Well one of my friends told me she liked the same guy I liked
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:32 AM: So I told her to go for it and ask him out
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:32 AM: Which she did
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:32 AM: And I didn't tell him how I really felt
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:32 AM: Bc my best friend liked him too
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:33 AM: Why are you telling me this
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:33 AM: I don't know
FINN THOMPSON, SAT 28TH MAY 04:34 AM: But Calla man
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:35 AM: Go for it
INDIRA MISTRY, SAT 28TH MAY 04:35 AM: Be happy
And with the last sentence, I stared back at my phone as he read the text message but gave me no reply. I clicked the phone off, staring at my wild-eyed reflection in the vacant screen as I clutched the device in my grasp, the buttons digging into the palm of my hand, making small grooves in the skin. I took a deep, shaking breath and closed my eyes, not daring even one tear to spill out from where I was trying so hard to cover them.
So, now, I could tell you the exact moment in time I realised that I loved him.
It could have been when he knew it was me without having to look at my face, since we were both wearing the same black masquerade masks, when I was dancing and he was just stood there, when Alice had pointed him out and my heart didn't just slow its pace, it didn't stutter, it fucking stumbled and fell down as I was turning around, my eyes immediately finding him.
But then, I realised it wasn't. It also wasn't what happened back at the nightclub. The second in time I saw him kissing one of the most gorgeous girls I had ever seen in person. Calla Nordstrom. A girl I wouldn't ever be able to match up to. A girl who had everything I wanted, including the boy.
It was this moment. This devastating, soul-crushing, knocking all of the air out of my lungs moment so I had to fight for every breath I took to steady myself from keeling over. Drunk from the alcohol so the pain was dulled, almost numbing, and yet, sober enough to read and re-read the words on my phone, the final dropping point that said it all really, the one that punctuated why I never dared to bare my soul to anyone, least of all a boy who was never going to be feel the same way about me as I did for him.
And yet, that was when I knew...I loved him.
a/n: yet another story but it's the summer so i have all the time in the world to write so that's just what i'll do! i hope you enjoyed the first chapter and it's so long, so i apologise for that but i got a bit carried away and there's a certain point where i wanted to end it so it got away from me a little bit. but i think i'll make all the chapters this kind of length from now on (or at least try to) because it's better than stopping and starting every couple of pages.
thank you for reading and hopefully you enjoyed the first chapter! there's more to come, i have about 5-10 chapters to write for this story but we'll see. oh, and about casting, i feel like i should clarify, yes, indira is of mixed race (indian and portuguese), and i was looking at indian actresses to represent her and i couldn't find one that stuck. then i stumbled onto lindsey morgan who is a poc but not necessarily indian, but she looks exactly what i imagined indira to be. i'm really sorry about that but hopefully i'm forgiven.
thank you so much for all your support (on this story and my other ones) and please vote + comment! thanks a million!
- paige xo