T E N
I really have no idea how it happened. One second I was sitting down on the pavement, texting the last person I’d ever text, to just notice him the next second. It’s like, he was walking past the shops for a certain reason and I am sure it wasn’t food.
When our eyes met, he smiled but after noticing my red cheeks he hurried to my side and sat down. We sat in silence for moments, like we do each time. It’s like a little tradition of ours, we sit in silence and then we talk about nothing and everything at once.
His presence was also some sort of calming, for me. I didn’t really feel the pressure to move on and just grow out of every memory, when he was close. Niall had this little bubbly aura around himself that somehow allowed me inside and whenever I was with him, I felt at ease.
Maybe that’s why I didn’t mind him talking to me. On Friday, I remember being a little rude and back then I wouldn’t even consider talking to him. Especially when I wanted to push him away and now, that I am sitting with him in the motel cafeteria - which happens to be closing, for the night – I don’t even consider the idea of pushing him away.
“Here’s your tea,” he sits down across me and places a mug of steaming liquid in front of my hands. He didn’t ask, why I was sitting on the pavement at seven thirty; all that he did was sit silently and I needed that. Someone to sit with me in silence instead of speaking.
“Thank you, Niall.” I take the cup and smile at him.
“No worries.” He answers with a genuine smile. “Are you going home for the night?”
I look up, the mug against my lips, stunned by his sudden question. Maybe he understood what has happened, by my actions. But did I do something differently? Did I speak in a different tone? How could he possibly notice that there was something wrong between me and my parents?
“I probably should.” I answer him, looking down into the mug as it is still in my hands, warming them up slowly. I feel his eyes, focused on me but I don’t dare to look up, no matter what. Niall is a good guy and there is no valid reason for me to not look up, but like this, I feel more secure with myself.
“If you want to, you can try and talk it out?” He asks although it sounds more like a suggestion. And I want to look up, smile and thank him for trying to help, no matter how terrible I was at the beginning. The way I acted on Friday, makes me feel bad today, even though that was just three days ago. Weird enough, things did change quickly. But it is only because Niall pushes me to spend time with him. He finds excuses that intrigue me and without even knowing, I am a step closer to him than I was ever planning.
“It’s fine, Niall. There is no need.” I tell him, not lifting my head up.
Soon, he is going to leave Old Grimsby and if I ever get attached to him, I will be hurting at a point. I will miss the calls and the messages and even those small talks that made me forget about all the worries. And I can’t afford hurting. Not once more because of a guy.
“Eve?” He asks and this time, I do look up. I can sense that he wants me to look up; he needs me to look up into his eyes. And when I do, I notice a change in them. It seems as if the blond bloke is uncomfortable to ask me this.
“Hmm?”
“Do you ever feel alone in the crowd?” He asks me and that something in his irises becomes so unclear to me. It is something that I can’t put my finger on but I understand and it scares the living hell out of me. And then I remember the moment at the beach. The first time Niall actually spoke to me. He also asked me a similar question but then, I didn’t feel the need to answer it.
I still don’t answer this time, either. My mind is blank even though all the emotions inside of me are buzzing. They’re all over the place yet no words are produced. And just like that, I notice that we are practically strangers. Maybe we do have those talks, small talks that don’t involve enough information about ourselves. And all that I know about him, is his name and that he is in a band. Yet we do have something in common, that feeling which I can’t name but know.
Niall chuckles and looks down at his hands. Confusion floods my mind and all that I can think of is a question to understand him a little more. Maybe he isn’t a mystery, but he isn’t an open book either. His thoughts are unreadable to me and as random questions leave his lips, I notice how irrelevant they are to each other.
And then I remember something. A mystery that has led to all my nightmares. A mystery that left as quickly as it appeared. Leaving scars behind, wounds wide open and even though the nightmares are gone for now, my thoughts are still spinning around the past.
As tears start to form in my eyes I look down at my own hands just to cover up and stop Niall from noticing them. He’ll think of me as weak and I don’t want that. But why? He is not going to see me again, after he leaves. There is no way for him seeing me once more.
But he does notice them. Somehow, he does and within a second he is sitting right beside me, his arm around my shoulder and his chin resting on the top of my head. A quiet murmur leaves his lips and somehow, the whispered words put me at ease.
Yet the thought of my mum being right hasn’t left my mind. Maybe she was right. Maybe I knew it all along myself but someone else needed to say those words out loud, just to open up my eyes and notice that all the grief won’t help anyone. The tears won’t help at all.
“Maybe my mum is right.” I put my thoughts in words and before I know it, Niall is looking at me confused as ever, trying to understand what I just mumbled out against his grey hoodie. “Maybe I do need to grow up.” I add furrowing my eyebrows and not even focusing on the blond.
Right now, all that seemed to be the matter in my mind is how my mother was right. And how I was being stupid to believe that the grief is ever going to help. That the pain will disappear just by a click. But it isn’t. The pain is still there and it is all up to me, if I want to carry on living with the pain.
“What are you talking about?” He asks and that is when his face comes back to focus, as he brought me back down to earth. “Maybe you don’t need to grow up.” He states although to me, it sounds like a question. “Who said that? Your mum?”
“But she has a valid reason for it! She really does. A reason that you have no idea about, Niall. You can’t jump to conclusions.” I tell him and it does sound a little too harsh. But that is not the point. Niall really doesn’t know what my mum meant by telling me to grow up.
“I am not jumping to any conclusions, Eve.” He tells me defending himself. He sighs and looks down for a second. When his eyes meet mine once more, I feel something on the inside of me burning. And I don’t know why. “If you explain to me, what is the reason for your mum telling you to grow up, then maybe I’d understand?” This time it does sound like a question.
“There is no need for explaining, Niall. It really has nothing to bother your head with.” I tell him honestly. The silence falls between the two of us. Echoing in my ears, my mind reminding me that I need someone to speak to; someone from the outside; someone, that doesn’t know what happened to me. But Niall doesn’t need to know.
“But it bothers you.” He tells me after I take a sip of the tea that is cooler now. I finish it, feeling the sudden urge to go home and fix everything with my parents. I don’t want another argument. Plus, this conversation might go somewhere further. Somewhere where I don’t want it to go to, so it’s better to leave now than later and regret telling him all the things that are supposed to be left unsaid.
“I should go now.” I stand up and just look at the blond with the mug in my hands. He fiddles with his fingers and I have no idea how to take this. So instead of asking any further, I place the mug on the counter and walk out of the small cafeteria.
Maybe it hurts me a little. Niall decided to not answer me, rather than at least walk me to the main entrance, but why does it hurt? And that is not the pain that I am used to. It’s a stronger one. The one that only appears when I am not with him and it scares the living hell out of me.
“Eve!” I hear behind me and everything right after happens in seconds. Literally. Niall’s face right in front of mine and then his arms wrapped around me. And it’s not the type of a hug that I get from Nina. It’s not the sibling hug but it’s a different one. Something similar to Danny’s hugs and that makes me shiver.
Then I remember. It’s the type of a hug, that a guy gives to reassure that no matter what happens, everything will be alright and that he will be there. But Danny broke the promise on the day when he walked out my door. When he left and never came back. And if that is going to happen with Niall, I just don’t want this hug.
“I’m sorry.” He apologises and looks into my eyes. His hands on my shoulders and I just don’t know if I should be scared or delighted by the look in his eyes and the flip flops in my stomach. “I should at least get you safely home. Not like the last time. C’mon let’s go.”