-fictional-
I look again at the last text she had sent me not even ten seconds ago.
I tried to find another meaning to it, yet I can't, because I can't change the fact that something wasn't going to happen.
The fact that I caused this to happen.
Yet again, I see the three words that was plastered on the screen of my phone.
"You're so stupid."
Sadly, after thinking over and over, it is true, I was indeed stupid.
Stupid not to take things one at a time.
Stupid to have provoked her.
Stupid to have messed up everything.
Stupid because I made her think what I say is a joke because I always joke around.
Stupid because I was never serious around her.
Stupid to tell her what I felt.
Quickly, as if it was reflex, I quickly typed an apology and admitted that I was indeed stupid.
That was yet stupid of me again.
Maybe my feelings for her were never real. Maybe it was just a fog of emotions that had always given me my delusional fantasy of actually being in love, but deep down, there was something.
I don't know what feeling this is.
I never felt it before.
It's like a mixture, but it's not the same as mixed emotions.
I feel anger, yet I don't want to be angry.
There was disappointment, but I can't see what was there to be disappointed about.
Then there's the feeling of sudden loneliness, although it doesn't seem to be the case as I was surrounded by a lot of people.
What is this?
It feels like a fire, burning inside, but it wasn't determination, it was more like destruction.
It feels like pain, yet there was nothing that got to me.
Suddenly I feel the tears starting to drip slowly from my eyes.
Why am I crying?
I was sad, but is this even sadness?
For all I know, sadness happens when you are crying, and I am, but can I be sure of it?
I wiped it off my eyes and try to concentrate on what is going on.
I've never felt like this before, and for a 15 year old with divorced parents and a crappy life I feel like I could say I've been through a lot.
After knowing I couldn't think clearly as well I went to music and shuffle my songs.
I closed my eyes and leaned back on the bus seat as we were all on our way back to the hotel.
"At least it was still holiday" I thought, as I try I find the brighter side of the situation.
Suddenly the chorus hit.
The lyrics were, "You don't know love till it tears up your heart."
I thought deeper and suddenly something clicked.
I never felt being torn apart.
Is this?
That's when it finally hit me.
I didn't just like her.
I loved her, and I just realised it now.
I was late, just like always.
As much as it hurts for me to finally know it, it is true.
You really can't know love until it tears you apart.
-A-