I dreamt of stolen loves, tormented souls and shadowed red eyes that night. I felt Kieran's chill as I reached for him, not wishing to suffer alone. I felt the pain as he shrugged me off and the rejection as he guided Anya off into the smog that once was my dreamland. Her eyes were haunting, thirsty and red. In their wake followed the shadows of Mandy,my father and Nate in shackles of a master even the imagings of my deepest slumber dare not conjure.
Though I could not see the monster, I felt him as I had never wished to feel him before.
I shuddered awake, reaching for breath and the safety of a dawned morning. Sweat clung to my arms, legs and face, a clamminess that welcomed the cool hand that brushed my forehead. I didn't need to open my eyes to know who was tending me and I was trapped in the conflict of what to feel.
Was joy or anxiety winning this fight?
"Shh, it was just a nightmare," Kieran soothed, brushing the wet tendrils from my face. I blinked, looking up into Kieran's calming eyes. His face was warm, awash with the happiness in his smile and the mischievous glint in his eyes. "Good morning Evans." He lowered his lips to kiss my damp forehead, not caring that it was sticky with perspiration. At the feel of his cold lips I shut my eyes and grimaced.
"Brain freeze," I murmured gently. Kieran's lips curved into a smile and he pulled away. I propped myself up onto my elbows, more than a little conscious of the provocative nature of my night shirt. It was not as though I had been expecting a caller.
"What are you doing in my bedroom, at this hour?" I said, squinting to look at his watch. "Mischief I presume." I kept my eyes lowered and I smirked. "Or perhaps boredom with your latest toy." My eyes flirted momentarily with his as I half teased, half challenged him.
Kieran was in no mood to humour me, a little hurt it seemed, a little guilty too.
"I thought, since I wasn't doing anything, I might drive you over to see your dad for a bit," Kieran explained. He'd met my bitterness with nothing more than kindness, making me question what was becoming of my humility.
Forget humility, what had become of me that I had been so conceded to be distracted from my father, my most beloved who was suffering in realms beyond where I could reach him?
"You mean it?" I questioned, overwhelmed by his compassion and thoughtfulness.
This was why I...
Love him Evans, can you really be so fickle?
"I just know how worried you are about him, you said as much the last time we spoke and I figured you might like a ride." Kieran bit his lip, his hand trailing the covers to brush my finger tips with his own. "And I recognised I hadn't been exactly attentive to you recently and I wanted to apologise and make up for it if you would allow me."
Kieran caught me off guard a little and stole the opportunity to steal his hand across my skin. My willingness an invitation, Kieran brought his lips to my neck. His skin was cool and invigorating as he ran his hands over my back, suddenly bare skin to bare skin. I couldn't help but shiver, our intimacy exciting and still so new.
"Your skin is so warm," Kieran choked, his lips now following the curve of my ear. "I miss that."
Warmth she could never and would never give him. This was my victory.
My victory, however, was not enough to distract from my awareness of how intimate I suddenly was with Kieran, how compromising this would have looked if my mother was to walk in.
"I miss the blush the used to colour my cheeks too," Kieran confessed, brushing his thumb along my cheekbone.
"Can't you blush?" I asked, realising it was never something that had occurred to me.
"The oxygen is no longer necessary in my body and therefore the blood remains blue. My cells do not require oxygen as they no longer carry out mitosis. I am as I was, I am as I am. I am a being with no scientific explanation, a rather worrying thought should one require a doctor," he winked. "Breathing is just an exercise really, a habit if you will. I think we find it comforting to breath in and out, almost as though we are still human." I sat back, studying his pale face. Kieran was not awash with that glow of happiness anymore and it troubled me. I leant in and kissed the spot above his eye, his nose, his jaw and finally his lips. I'd barely drawn away before he whispered, "I'm not good enough for you because of this very reason." Kieran placed his hand on his heart. "You can give me your heart but in exchange for what, a heart that has served no purpose for centuries?"
I shook my head, not sure whether it was better to pity or tease Kieran. Here was the sincerity I had wished for when looking at Nate, but based on what? I had made clear to Kieran that I chose him, every day I chose him and that was never measured by humanity or lack of.
"I don't need blush in your cheeks or a heart that serves purpose to measure your worth Kieran." I raised my palm and placed it where his heart was beating. "All I ask is that for as long as you want me, that beat is for me," I waited, hoping for my comfort to reach him. Kieran slowly took my hand, raising my fingers to his mouth and kissing each fingertip in turn.
"That is little to ask of me. I gave my heart to you wholly when I saved you that night, whether I knew it or not." He rested his forehead against mine, urging me to feel his truth. "No matter what happens my heart will always be yours, as long as you want it. Let this, my promise, be true."
I bit my lip, longing to see if the sincerity I had wanted to see in his eyes was there, was appealing to me too. But I was paralysed by excitement and fear, my heart unsure whether to open itself or prepare the baricade.
"That's a very big promise Kieran," I whispered.
"Believe in it," he pleaded. Strong arms drew me close. My eyes widened as they were filled with the intensity in his own. His lips silenced my word as they became one with mine. He lifted me so I sat in his lap, legs wrapped tightly round his waist. His lips were gentle though in each caress willing for more. The feeling was still so fresh and wonderful and innocent despite the building desires within me. Kieran's tongue coaxed my mouth to open, guiding me, teaching me Our stuttered breath mingled, sizzling as hot and cold embraced one another. My hands reached for his hair, tousling and pulling it as the feeling inside became irrepressible. I moaned, making his body tremble with pleasure, untethered need. His hands made their way under my shirt. His finger tips bruised my stomach and my breasts as they explored my body. I'd never felt something so wonderful, so incredible before. I wanted this to be our secret, this feeling ours and ours alone.
Kieran thumbs stroked my ribs and my hips. His lips wandered my neck and my head fell back as he cradled me, wanted me.
Kieran gently lay me back down onto the bed, his lips never daring to leave mine. His body crackled and skin grazed skin a pleasurable, gritty sensation that made us both laugh. We were reminded of the differences between us, the prisons of what we were but it didn't matter, not when we were consumed by one another.
But this was more than lust. I had lusted for Kieran before and it hadn't touched my soul, asked me question myself.
It didn't make me question why I was cursed to have breath in my body, oxygen my veins and eternity with the indigo eyed boy in my arms.
Why now Evans? Could this be nothing more than the challenges of a imposter who is imitating a girl from the past that make you even dare to question?
But there was no question, no doubt for this feeling.
Is being young and believe not enough to spawn doubt?
"Kieran," I said between kisses. He paused, his fiery eyes watching me. I swallowed, so aware of every inch of this moment.
"I love you."
Kieran stopped. His eyes did not leave, yearning to seek some affirmation that he hadn't dreamt it. Coarse, gentle fingers traced the side of my face and he took me in. We breathed in and out and allowed the moment to be be bigger than just the both of us.
This was a point of no return.
Kieran lowered his head, his breath teasing my lips.
"Christine, you have to know that I-"
"Well isn't this cosy." The mocking snarl cut through me, straight to my vulnerable heart.
Though I had meant to say those three, defining words I could not deny I would have given anything to have taken them back. The were supposed to be for Kieran and yet...
"I thought I told you to stay in the car," Kieran groaned. He pulled himself from me and sat on the edge of my bed. I couldn't look at either of them, suddenly made unsafe in my own home.
"Why is she here?" I murmured, drawing myself away.
Kieran spoke but wasn't foolish enough to demand my attentions.
"I thought it would do you two some good to get to know each other."
How little you know me.
"Charming really, your squat I mean." If Anya had wanted my focus, she had it in its entirety. I got to my feet, standing dead center and making sure she made no mistake of whose territory she was now on.
"You clearly had no trouble inviting yourself in here," I marked. "So you can sure as Hell show yourself out." I bent down and pulled on a jumper.
"Chris," Kieran warned. I didn't even dignify him with a glance.
"Now would be preferable," I reiterated. Anya arched a brow and tutted.
"I see your manners are befitting of your dwelling. I can't say I'm surprised," she snubbed, looking around. I licked my lips and pulled my hair into a ponytail.
I hoped she was asking for a fight because I was more than ready to step outside. Indigo or no, I was more than happy to beat her ass.
"Anya, be nice." Kieran warned, remaining on the bed and offering little support otherwise. Anya simpered and pouted.
"Sorry Kieran, I guess all that training we did yesterday has made me short tempered. I'll be on my best behaviour, promise." She took her finger and crossed the cavity where a heart should have been.
"I was rather unfair on you, you forget how it is in the beginning." I shot Kieran a scathing look. Was he serious?
"It was traumatising." Anya feigned, my door way her gallant prop.
"It never really gets easier but you do become somewhat numb to it," Kieran assured her, getting up to hold her in a friendly embrace. "You did well."
Never had my hand itched more for a gun and three bullets.
I scooped up my clothing and tried to barge past them. Anya didn't budge and continued to hold Kieran, her indigo eyes brimming with venom. Kieran was oblivious to everything.
Jerk.
"If you wouldn't mind moving, I'd like to shower," I muttered, not bothering to try and force myself through.
"Oh, is that what the smell is?" Anya tittered, eyes appraising me. That was it. I yanked Kieran back by his shirt and lifted my hand to slap her. Just as I began to swing my arm an icy hand clamped around my wrist. I span to confront Kieran, twisting my wrist harshly as I did so.
"Get your hands off me!" I seethe, swatting at him with my free hand.
"Chris, go and shower and calm down," Kieran instructed fiercely. I started as my anger grew.
"You will not order me round in my own house. I am not your dog, that role is perfectly occupied by her," I spat. Kieran's hand didn't loosen but his eyes became thunderous. I recoiled. Never had I seen such a look of fury on his face, not even when confronted with Devon.
"Take that back." I watched him, my eyes watering from both the pain of his grip and the hurt of his prioritising.
"No." I wrenched my wrist out of his hand and knocked into Anya on my way past. "Go home Kieran." I stalked into the bathroom just as Mum was passing with a bundle of fresh towels.
"What's going on?" she asked, looking down the hall at Anya and Kieran. I didn't bother looking back. I slammed the door in Mum's face and kicked it for good measure.
I had one of those showers, the type where you can't remember if you've shampooed your hair or not. My thoughts were elsewhere. Anya had a death wish and I was perfectly OK with granting it.
And Kieran.
He's forced me to love him and all for what?
"Arsehole."
Eventually I got out of the shower and dressed. I had bruises upon bruises, further testament to the harm Kieran had caused. I pulled on the frumpy jumper so that I could cover any skin my t-shirt left uncovered. I stared at my reflection in the mirror, irked there was a spot adorning the edge pf my lip.
"That must have looked attractive," I grumbled, facing away from my own reflection and to the door.
As I opened the bathroom door Kieran barred my way out. I retreated, clutching my wrist.
"Don't do that, please," Kieran pleaded, reaching out for me.
"You have no right to ask anything of me." I glared at him. "I asked you to leave."
"You don't mean that."
"Don't test me Kieran." I stepped forward. "You have made your alligance perfectly clear and I don't much care for it."
Kieran sighed, rubbing his neck.
"There are no alligances Chris." He offered me his hand, as uncertain as I as to whether he would take it. "I apologise for bringing Anya, she needs company and reassurance as she adjusts to this life and I empathise with that. I can't apologise for attempting to do the right thing, I'd like to believe you would despise me more for not."
"She has no excuse to talk the way she does, full of spite and your defence of her merely encourages that." His hand was still outstretched and hesitantly I took it. "But your right, I couldn't forgive you for abandoning someone in need...even Anya." Kieran pulled me in for a hug, my head resting on his chest.
"Don't think this means I can so easily forget how you grabbed me or that furious look in your eye. I will not be broken by you."
"I'm sorry Christine, I should conducted myself better. There are no excuse." Kieran said.
Don't unguarded yourself so easily Evans.
"No there aren't but don't think I'm so beguiled to not walk away Kieran," I said. "I love you, there was no insincerity when I said so, but that isn't your invitation to think me naive enough to stay if you hurt me."
I was not to be taken for a fool.
Kieran nodded, holding me closer.
"I would not wish for anything else." he inclined my chin, his eyes fixed upon mine. "I love you Christine, in all the ways that I shouldn't and it only makes me love you more." Cautiously he brought his lips to mine and tentatively I returned it.
Confessing ones love was meant to be met with requited passion and yet here I was, protecting myself from it.
"Are you going to apologise to Anya?" I allowed my answer to be predicted in the disgusted curl of my lip.
"I don't deal in empty apologies."
"We both know you want to be the bigger person in this Chris."
"It seems you know me better than myself today." I stepped away from Kieran. "But for your sake I will, I know this transition can't be easy for her." I licked my lips, rather peeved this act of maturity bread a sigh of relief from Kieran. "But I can't apologise if she says something out of line and my reflex is to cut all of that stupidly blonde hair off." I turned on my heel and flounced to my bedroom.
"How ladylike," Kieran jested.
"Never was much of a lady," I retorted, picking up my bag with my phone in it. I returned to Kieran's side, slipping my hand into his. As we strolled passed the kitchen we were paused by Mum's questioning from within.
"Where are you going Chris?"
"Going to see Dad. Be back later." I heard the beginnings of an argument and with Kieran in tow made sure we were gone before the end of it. I was sure Mum meant well but it would have taken the entirety of the argument to figure that out.
Even from the top of the stairs I could just make out Anya sulking in the back of the Audi. I couldn't help the rising snigger and was grateful Kieran made no mention of it. He took me around the car and politely opened the door.
"Thanks." I slipped in, immediately aware of the palpable tension. Anya was enraged and it gave me too much pleasure to be anything but grotesque. I twisted to face Anya, waiting for Kieran to seat himself before I made my move.
"I just wanted to say Anya, I'm sorry. I've been so cruel and unkind and it really isn't like me. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me." Her face tightened into a forced smile. She noted my move but made no sign of it bothering her.
"Of course," she sniffed, her teeth tightly gritted. I shot her a stale smile and then faced Kieran expectantly.
"That's my girl," he praised, leaning in and kissing me tenderly. I closed my eyes, the chill taking over. As soon as it had begun it was over and Kieran was turning his key in the ignition. My eyes flicked open and I realised how vulnerable I looked.
Though Anya already knew Kieran was my weakness, it suddenly occured to me that Kieran was leading her directly to my second. I gulped, a different sort of chill gripping me: fear. I slouched in my chair, hoping to evade Anya's all-seeing gaze.
Bollocks.
The car sped through the streets, a blur to the passerby. I clenched my seatbelt perhaps prompting Kieran to keep turning to question me. He wasn't quite sure what was wrong with me and it irked him. His hand wandered from the gearstick to lace my fingers with his own.
Safe. United.
"So Christine, what exactly is wrong with your daddy? Is he retarded or something?" My nails dug into the palm of Kieran's hand.
I was going to cut her.
"Anya," Kieran scolded. Anya's attentions move, her cunning eyes reading me.
"Firstly, it's Chris and secondly, no, my father isn't retarded. Not that it is any of your business; he was badly injured in a car accident when I was little and needs specialist care," I shot back, a warning in each spat word. "I wouldn't expect you to understand." Kieran's thumb stroked the back of my hand, slow calming strokes.
"No, I've not got a history of drunk drivers in my family. It must be such a terrible thing to live with," Anya supposed. The hint of boredom and malice in her voice was evident but still, Kieran did not punish it.
"He wasn't an alcoholic either. My father swerved his car to prevent killing another person. My father was brave, not reckless," I argued.
Who was she to judge me?
"I guess I'll have to see for myself."
Like hell.
"No, that is not happening! That is not happening Kieran, over my dead body is she even coming within ten meters of the bloody door," I snapped. My hand was squeezing Kieran's so tightly that my own fingers began to ache. "Please Kieran. You know how much it means." Kieran looked down at me, having no need for my pleas. He understood this boundary if no other.
"It's nothing personal Anya. This is something Chris always has done and must do alone. I didn't bring you to introduce yourself, I brought you so you and Chris could get to know each other better," Kieran told her. I sighed, relief and welcome feeling.
"Well then, if that is the sole purpose of this little exertion then I guess I should start to get to know the great Christine Evans a bit better then. What do you say Chris?" Anya snickered, an evil gleam in her indigo eyes.
Bring it, bitch.
"There really isn't much to get to know, I'm just Chris."
To you at least you heinous, obnoxious, rude, psychotic tw-
"Oh, on the contrary. Kieran never shuts up about you. I'd like to hear all the marvellous things from the goddess herself," Anya ridiculed tartly. I was surprised she had said the words as opposed to vomiting them.
"He's exaggerated Anya, I'm an open book." I said. Kieran winked supportively, still holding my hand and pissing off Anya.
"Well teach me how to read you then, tell me all of your stories. After all it's so important if we are going to be life long buddies...well life long in your sense of the word of course." Anya giggled, the sound the demons made in hell undoubtedly.
I'd rather have been back in the dark and dank cavern with Nate, Devon and Beth than in the car teaching Anya how to better understand me. Kieran should have left the vile cow to Red; she was probably just his type.
Anya licked her lips and relished the challenge of the game unfolding between us.
"Well, let us begin. Are you sitting comfortably?" She snorted. "Now let's go back to the beginning. How did you come to be Miss Evans?"
I perked a brow at the simplicity of her question.
"Well when a man and a woman have sex there is always a chance the woman might conceive a baby. Did you not get sex education back in Russia, or are babies made in factories where you come from?" I quizzed. Anya was undeterred.
"Funny, funny Christine. Of course babies aren't made differently in different countries. I was merely intrigued to hear your version of the baby making equation. You see, I thought it was when a man and woman loved each other very much, or is that not the case?" Anya was clever, disgustingly so.
"Not exactly," I admitted through clenched teeth.
"Then how?" She enunciated every syllable, making my ears ring and blood boil.
"They were fooling around, my parents. My mum was working in the bar he was in and..." I couldn't finish the sentence. I was ashamed of my parents and how I came to be. I couldn't boast that my parents had ever been married, or even knew each others' names. Anya enjoyed my embarrassment though, predicting my reaction with disgusting finesse.
"Well that's unfortunate," Anya said piteously. I didn't need her fake pity, I was embarrassed by what my parents had done but that was made meaningless by years of grieving and forced understanding .
"But you are no stanger to broken people, are ou Chris. One would think you attracted them." Anys placed manicured hands on both Kieran and my chairs' and propped herself forward. "Of course you must knoe who I'm thinking of Christine. Jude, the anorexic ball buster, right?"
Fury had never flooded me so quickly.
"You told her?" I snapped at Kieran. I'd trusted him with that secret, not believing for a second I would meet it again in someone so detestable and clearly untrustworthy.
"I just thought it was something she needed to be aware of, you know, as I imagined you and Sophia would integrate her into your friendship group."
I was inconsolable.
How had I managed to fall in love with some so delusional?
"It's none of her business!" I protested, letting go of Kieran's hand. I span around to explain to her ladyship what Kieran had probably failed to do and make no mistake that I would be the last person to extend friendship to someone so clearly evil.
"Yes, my friend Jude was anorexic. Her family was going through a difficult time and Jude burdened herself with that. When you feel lowest of the low and everything is your fault and you're not good enough people do unthinkable things."
Like eating.
Like cutting themselves.
Like jumping off bridges.
"Harming oneself is not weakness, it doesn't make us less of a person; Jude one of the loveliest people I know. You don't and never will have the right to judge her because let me make it perfectly clear, you will never be able to earn the honour to even breathe the same air as her let alone meet her. She would be nothing but sickened by you."
I sat back in my chair, feeling I'd done Jude justice. I didn't care how Kieran's hands curled in frustration around the steering wheel, I'd damn well warned him.
There was silence in the car and I almost fooled myself into thinking I was done.
But Anya was far from finished.
"Tom, now there's an interesting character," Anya pondered aloud. Kieran slammed on the brakes and we bother turned to confront her.
"How do you know about him?" Kieran snapped.
"Watch the road Kieran," I ordered cooly so as I could have this conversation alone and get to my dad faster. I had no time for this bollocks.
"Who told you about Tom?" I repeated with far more compsure than Kieran.
"You hear things. Kieran's 'family' talk and I saw the letter on your bedside table," Anya admitted sweetly.
Bugger.
"Letter? What is she talking about Chris?" Kieran questioned, his knuckles tightening further on the steering wheel.
You can't blame the cow for being observant.
"Tom's away in New York and before he left he came to see me before he left. Nothing happened Kieran. If something had happened he wouldn't have run off the New York like he did but we are friends still and there's not harm in him writing to me, he knows nothing can come of it."
How had she managed checkmate right under my nose?"
"What did the letter say?" Kieran asked, each word clipped and unfeeling.
"Just that he didn't like the city life and wanted to go travelling, nothing more," I answered. His knuckles seemed to relax, even if nothing else.
"Good.." Kieran took my hand again, claiming what was his. "I hate to be so possessive of you Chris but I don't want to lose you. You know you're irreplaceable to me and Tom...well...just doesn't seem right in the head." He paused, sighing. "I know by saying that I will be hurting you but it's what I feel," Kieran confessed, stroking my hand but not daring to look at me while he watched the road.
I wasn't angry, I knew Tom's temper and back in the hospital he hadn't looked too short of a nervous breakdown. But still there was loyalty that rose up inside that wanted to convince Kieran he was wrong.
"It's fine, I'm OK with you being honest with me." I wasn't about to open this can of worms with Anya calculating my every move.
I had prosponed checkmate for now.
Kieran's thumb began following the same stroking rhythm as it had before. His eyes were once again content, leaving me to hope I might enjoy that moment too buy Anya wasn't finished and I had been stupid to assume so.
"Now about your attempted suicide Christine, I'm all ears for this particular story," Anya announced, still as conceited as ever. Her words did not phase me, however, as the car pulled up by the curb of the home. I thanked God for taking mercy on me and turned to face my awaiting nemesis.
"Perhaps another time Anya." I shrugged. Greedily and cunningly I took Kieran's face between my hands and kissed him. My kiss was selfish, rendering Anya silence but also spurring the courage within me to face my father and whatever demon was plaguing him.
"See you in a bit," Kieran promised between kisses. I smiled and stole another kiss for luck before unlocking my seatbelt. I didn't need to look back to know I'd annoyed Anya immensely. It was enough to slip out of the car and feel her deathly gaze on my back but her selfish, screwed up little mind was nothing really, not compared to the demon awaiting me from inside me father's head.
I stepped forward, armed and ready for the next battle.
"I'm coming Papa."
* * * * *
Happy Update Day!
How are we all? Hopefully glad of a little bit of Kieran if not so much a little bit of Anya!
I have so enjoyed being able to edit this for you guys and I really do hope it was worth it. You are all super duper wonderful and I can't thank you enough for reading.
Bekah x