THIS CHAPTER WASN'T CRUCIAL TO THE PLOT SO IT HAS NOT BEEN EDITED YET AND IT WILL BE DONE LATER
***An amazing reader by the name of @Geraldine1397 requested that I do a chapter in Poppy's mom's point of view so we can see what's going on inside that sweet little head of Cassidy's. This will kind of back track a bit because it's going to show her inner turmoil and such, but let me forewarn you, it's long. ;) Thank you for the request!!
I hope you guys like this, because I fucking love the way it turned out. Seriously.***
Cassidy's POV
I watched as Poppy and Knox left the shop hand in hand. I looked around the main room of the store and inhaled the sweet fragrance that the bouquets of random flowers gave off. Just thirty minutes ago I was minding my own business and assembling new arrangements, but now I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Was there a protocol for being cheated on by your husband of 16 years even though you're still madly in love with him?
I buried my head in my hands, begging my brain to boot back up and just start doing. Tears trickled down my face, but I didn't have the energy to wipe them away anymore. Did I even have the energy to fight with Michael about this when I got home? When would he be home? How long had his affair been happening for? He's been stuck at the office with these "difficult cases" for almost six months now. Did it start before that? Did I dismiss the obvious signs? Most importantly, why wasn't I good enough?
I shook my head, ridding it of the destructive thoughts. I grabbed my keys and flipped the on sign, as well as all the shop lights, off before lethargically making my way to the car; the car that Michael paid for, in the dress that Michael gave me for our anniversary last year, in the shoes he brought me back from New York, in the necklace he gave me for mother's day, and wearing the ring that was supposed to be a symbol of his love for me. Everything began to weigh down on me, making it almost impossible to breath.
I dozed off as I drove home, something I always scold Poppy about.
"Never drive unaware!" I would say. Yet here I was - the biggest hypocrite in her life. Driving unaware, ignoring stop signs, continuing to love a man who doesn't deserve it. I was a terrible excuse for a mother. What's that saying though? Do as I say, not as I do? Yes, that's the one.
I pulled into the driveway of the house we built our life in together. It's large frame casting and ominous shadow over me. Michael's car was still parked in the garage, which had me tensing up all over again. What if she's still here?
I released a timid breath of air before getting out and quietly shutting my door; I didn't want to give him any heads up that I was here. My kitten heels lightly clicked against the cement of our driveway, and continued their haunting clacking as I continued up the walkway and stopped in front of our front door.
I slid the key in the deadbolt painfully slow, turning my wrist to the right and hearing the daunting sound of the lock being undone. Just like my life. I thought somberly.
The door creaked with protest as I pushed it open ever so slightly. I could hear faint shuffling, but I couldn't tell of what exactly. Shutting the door behind me and relocking it, I waited.
"Don't worry about giving me a ride back to the office you piece of sh*t! I'd rather walk to the bus stop that sit in your general vicinity." A high-pitched nasal voice sneered from what appeared to be the bathroom connected to the kitchen.
My heartbeat thumped against my chest wildly, blood pulsated in my ears. I could barely hear anything over the whooshing sound it caused. Just as she was about to exit the kitchen and come face to face with me, she spun back around quickly to spit more venomous words at him.
"And for the record, Mr. Nicole, you're completely correct! You are indeed a huge a**hole who doesn't deserve that caring, loving, kind-hearted wife of yours. You don't deserve to be loved at all you rich, white bastard!" She finished and turned to face me. She stopped dead in her tracks, eyes blowing wide at the sight of me before her.
Guilt flooded her muddy brown eyes and I felt my rage spike to concerning heights. Against her better judgment, she dashed towards me, her eyes pleading with me.
"You have to understand, Mrs. Nicole, I never-" I swiftly cut her off by slamming her head into the door behind me by her neck, my nails digging into the soft, sensitive flesh.
"I don't have to understand anything. What I do understand, though, is that it takes two douche bags to cheat, not just one. You are just as much at fault here as my husband is." I said disgustedly. "You knew exactly what you were doing when you decided to rush into bed with someone who was already taken. You should be ashamed of yourself. Have you no morals?" I questioned with poorly concealed anger seeping from every pore of my being.
She opened her mouth to speak, but I cut her off once again. "I have no desire to hear a single thing you have to say. Please, do me a favor and just get the hell out of my house." I hissed before releasing her throat making my way towards the stairs. I needed about a 36-hour nap. I heard the distinct sound of the front door slamming, and then a tug on my forearm. I gritted my teeth and clutched the banner to keep from beating the living sh*t out of him.
"Cassidy, please." He begged. I violently shrugged his hand off of me, not even turning to look at him during my reply.
"No. Not now, Michael. My heart is too hurt to hear your try and make up some ridiculous excuse to justify your unforgivable behavior. I'd like for you to pack some things and leave for a while. I do not wish to see you." I cursed the quiver that accompanied my voice, no longer able to remain strong now that the deep timbre of the voice that once comforted me wrapped around my body, constricting my lung's ability to breathe properly. Of course, I would never tell Poppy that. I needed to be strong for my girls.
"If you would just let me explain." He tried once again.
"There is nothing to explain!" I whipped around and screamed at the top of my lungs, voice raspy and husky from trying to withhold tears that so desperately wanted to be released. Now, staring into his eyes I could hear the deafening cracks of my heart breaking completely.
Lipstick was smudged against the collar of his dress shirt and his hair was completely mussed. I remember several occasions in which we would stumble from a bathroom or random bedroom at some house party or event looking just like he was now. All his associates, or our family, knowing exactly what we'd been up to. I was unable to contain the sob that tore from my chest. My heart physically ached.
He used my moment of weakness to his advantage and crushed me to his chest with his muscular arms. I flailed, kicked, sobbed, and slapped at his chest over and over. Screaming obscenities at him while continuing my attack. My body slackened with exhaustion as I just accepted the comfort that only he was ever able to provide me.
I hated that after everything that I'd learned, and all the tears I've already cried over this, his sturdy chest and the scent of his familiar cologne still calmed me.
"Cass..." He said, his voice thick with his own tears. My fury returned with a vengeance.
"No! You don't get to be upset! You're the reason all this sh*t is happening. You don't get to cry, or yell, or feel anything other than guilt and shame! Don't touch me!" I yelled, slapping his hands away from me for the second time. "I'm not going to repeat myself again. I want you to pack your things and go. I'll figure out something to tell Tansy." I mumbled, completely defeated. I just wanted a bottle of red and nice long bath. I couldn't emotionally handle anything further than I already have.
"Alright, if that's what you want." He said, a slight waver in his voice betraying the strong façade he's got on.
"It is." I lied smoothly.
~~
I giggled to myself for the first time in a few days as I read Poppy's reply to my text.
"That's so awesome mom!! I can't believe you burned it. Who knew you had it in you? Love you!"
If only I wasn't spewing lies to my little girl and best friend. I couldn't let her know the truth. She would be disappointed in me for being so weak.
"Are you sure you don't want this table anymore? You loved this table, Cassie!" One of my best friends since high school said from behind me.
"Yeah, totally. Take it off my hands. I don't want it anymore. It's kind of an eyesore." I croaked out. I know she heard the waver in my voice, but she knew better than to prod me. I would go to her when I was ready to talk.
She let out a deep sigh. "Alright, Cassie. Whatever you say. I really appreciate it though." I nodded, the lump in my throat making it difficult for me to utter a single word in reply.
The moment my friend's husband started to help her carry the table out was also the moment Michael decided to come home for the day.
"What's going on? Where are they taking our table to?" Michael rushed out. I could hear the tense edge to his voice.
"I've come to hate that table. I've decided to get rid of it for good." I said while sending him my best murderous glare. As if sensing the tension in the room, Savannah - my friend - spoke up quickly.
"Well, it was nice to see you, Michael. Thanks again Cassie, but we've got to get going!" She rushed and scurried out.
"Cassie." Michael growled lowly. "I don't know what more you want me to do! I have gotten down on my knees and begged you to listen to me. I have bought you flowers. I have tried spending time with you. Why won't you just talk to me?" He spoke, progressively getting louder and louder.
"Unless you can go back in time and un-f*ck that whore of a secretary of yours then there is absolutely nothing you can do, Michael! You were my first, and only, love! I gave you my heart, children, virginity, and fidelity! I can only confidently say you gave me one of those four things and it wasn't and organ and it sure as hell wasn't fidelity or your innocence!" I mocked him sarcastically, fighting back tears for the nth time.
"Were?" He questioned, almost looking pained. I scrunched my eyebrows at him in confusion.
"What?"
"You said 'were my first and only love'. That's past tense." He swallowed nervously.
I shook my head in disbelief. "Yes Michael, were. Did you expect me to still feel the same about you as I did before I found out? Matter-of-fact, when the hell did you even plan on telling me? Did you ever plan on telling me?" I asked, suddenly nauseated by the realization. He scrubbed his face harshly, an exasperated look upon his face.
"Lovebug, please. Just let me explain. That's all I'm asking. Just let me talk. You can kick me out and never speak to me again after that, but I just want to talk." I tensed at the loving nickname he'd given me ever since we first started seeing each other. Still to this day, it makes my heart race.
"I don't know." I said, mentally cursing at how breathless I sounded. Instead of replying, he placed his hand on the small of my back and guided me into the living room. He gently pushed me to sit on the couch and spread my legs before crouching in between them so our faces were almost eye level. Poppy unfortunately got her lacking height from me.
He gently rubbed my thighs up and down before speaking and I hated that such a small action caused Goosebumps to arise all over my body.
"It started about four months ago." He began, causing me to sharply inhale and grit my teeth, my hands fisting the material of my dress brutally.
"No, no. Lovebug, that's not what I meant. I meant the idea. Sh*t, that doesn't sound any better." He scolded himself. "Let me rephrase that. Four months ago, I realized for the billionth time since we got together that you deserved better. I was actually having to stay late at the office because we'd had a huge wave of new clients that Mr. Harper refused to turn away come in. Everyone at the firm was putting in extra hours, not just me. I was coming home around eight o'clock, and I would be so stressed out that I would take it out on you and the girls. I was a downright a**hole, and I hated myself for it. I became stricter with Poppy because I was losing all control over everything around me and I needed to feel like I was in charge of something. I can tell she resents me for it. She's never been a Daddy's girl, but she's become even more detached from me than ever before. I hate myself so much because of it.
Tansy is growing up without a father, and there's no one to blame but myself. My secretary never hid her affections towards me, and I had been mulling over the idea of firing her and hiring a male one, but then I got this dumb f*cking idea. I thought that, that if I... cheated on you, in a sense, you would hate me enough to finally find someone that's better for you than I ever was." I cut off his speech with a loud, unbelieving scoff.
"I thought up this stupid plan to bring Lindsey here to fool around with her for a bit in hopes that you or Poppy would show up. That way me touching her wasn't all for nothing." He said, scrunching his nose up in disgust. I almost laughed, but then I remembered that I was supposed to hate him.
"We were just doing some heavy kissing, which she was terrible at by the way, and that's when I heard the car door slam. I, I quickly shoved her on the table and – God, Lovebug I feel sick to my stomach right now – I made sure we were in a compromising position when Poppy walked it. We never actually...you know. You can ask Lindsey. I swear, Lovebug. I'm telling you the truth." I looked into his eyes and didn't see any deception. He was never a good liar. I could always call his bluff with one look in his eyes. My stomach knotted when I realized he wasn't actually lying to me.
"Then why did you come back? Why put us both through all this shit if you're still fighting for me?" I demanded, furious with him once again.
"I was going to let you go. Let you find another man to pamper you the way you should be, but then one of my colleagues said he thought he saw you out at dinner with another man and I, f*ck, I lost it Pumpkin. I punched him square in the jaw. I nearly lost my job for it. I was blinded with fury that you had found another. I never want to feel like that ever again. I don't ever want to lose you." He spoke with such conviction it made my tears bubble over.
"Well it may already be too late, Michael." I sobbed.
~~
I did a bad thing.
I was so lonely. Poppy has been busy with her pregnancy with Knox and school, and Tansy has made so many new little friends that she's always having play dates with. I was the only one with nobody.
The house was too big for just one person. I haven't slept in Michael and I's bedroom since the day I found out what he's done. I've taken up residence in one of our many guest bedrooms that's across the hall from Tansy. I just couldn't put myself through the torture of lying where he once held me, kissed me, made love to me.
I was just about to get in the shower. It was the only place where I didn't know if it was just the shower water or the tears streaming down my face. The scalding water always helped clear my head, too.
All my plans changed when his voice distracted me. It came from directly behind me, whispered hotly against my already sensitive and deprived skin.
"Cassidy." He growled out, a needy undertone lacing his voice. That's all it took. Just one word and my shower had turned very steamy - if you know what I mean.
But it didn't just stop there, oh no. I was a weak, weak woman. I'm a disgrace to the entire gender. I didn't let him take me in just the shower. We did it on the bathroom counter, the door, the wall, and then finally the bed. I was exhausted by the time we were done. Exhausted and disgusted with myself. So deliciously disgusted.
The silent tears came again when he cradled my body with his own, placing tender pecks against the skin covering my shoulder and collarbone.
"What's the matter, Lovebug?" He asked worriedly.
"I can't do this, Michael. I can't forgive what you did to me. This was a major lapse in judgment that cannot happen again. I have two little girls depending on me to be strong for them and I can't do that when you're toying with my heart like this." I whimpered out, sounding utterly pathetic.
"Let me prove myself to you. I can be your dirty little secret until you decide I'm fit enough to come back into your lives permanently." I sighed loudly as I considered the idea.
"I don't know..." I trailed off, confused on what decision I should make. "I need to talk to Poppy about everything first." I said.
"I will do anything, Anything, Lovebug. I don't care how long it takes me. I will be the man you and our girls need. I will."