I couldn't focus
on anything.
I felt myself
go numb
and everything around me
was moving slowly
yet so fast
like a blur,
but in slow motion.
Maybe it was because
I was turning my head
too quickly
maybe I was dizzy
from spinning too much
but it also could have been
the amount of alcohol
I had consumed.
It wasn't enough
to make me completely drunk
but I wasn't sober,
that much I could tell.
The room was loud
and the music was loud
and everyone was too close
too hot
too
much
for
me
to
handle
but I pretended
that I was someone else
someone who didn't have
any problems to drink away
someone who had caring parents
someone who's sister
wasn't in a coma
someone who had friends
someone else entirely.
Pretending
was the only thing
keeping me going
even if it was
at some stupid
high school party.
It was keeping me breathing,
and I didn't care
that drinking was the solution.
The more I drank
the dizzier I got
until the walls
started closing in on me
and everyone around me
was pushing up against me
strangling me
and I couldn't breathe.
Damnit
the drinks
were supposed to help
not make it worse.
I found myself
pushing through the crowds
pushing past everyone
desperately trying
to make it outside
to do something
anything
so that I could breathe again.
It was just as loud outside
as it was inside
and I didn't understand
how the neighbors
hadn't called the cops yet.
Then,
I was throwing up in the bushes
until there was nothing left
and even then
I was dry heaving
and crying
and a complete mess.
what else is new?
By the time
I calmed myself down
somewhat
I felt entirely sober
and I left the party
because nobody
even
noticed
that I was sick
that I was crying
that I wasn't okay.
Nobody
noticed.
They were all too drunk
to notice
they were all too preoccupied
with their own drama
their own lives
to notice the nobody
to notice the girl
who wasn't okay
the girl with a pyscho sister
as they called Daiha.
The only ones
who even paid attention to me
were the ones
who called me names
and shoved me into the lockers.
It wasn't like
Ingrid
or
Shane
were my friends.
They were Daiha's friends.
The only reason
they even talk to me
is because of Daiha.
Why doesn't anyone care?
why
am
I
so
alone?
* * *
I don't remember how
but I got back to the apartment
and found myself
collapsing onto my bed
tired
with a pounding headache
but unable to sleep
not that I even wanted to sleep
in the first place.
most nights
I had nightmares
of the hurricane
of Daiha dying
of everyone at school
making fun of me
of everyone beating me...
I always woke up
gasping for breath
as if
I had been holding it
the whole time I was sleeping.
I decided
I just wouldn't sleep
because if I didn't sleep,
then I wouldn't have nightmares...
right?
even thinking about the nightmares
made me shudder.
maybe I deserved the nightmares
but I can't handle them
on top of everything else
I am barely holding myself together
if what you call
having multiple panic attacks
every
single
damn
day
holding myself together.
If even
one more bad thing happens
I don't know
if I'll survive it.
everything
is weighing me down
the guilt
the pain
the loneliness
the regrets
the anger
the hurt
the world
my world
Daiha's world
it's all crashing around me
and I need my sister
I need my parents
I
need
someone,
but nobody is there.
Daiha is in a coma
thanks to me,
my parents don't care about me
which is probably my own fault.
why would they care about me
anyway?
I have done
nothing good
nothing
good
at
all.
why am I
a burden
to everyone
to everything?
my parents
believe it
what,
with them never around.
who would even want to be around me?
I somehow
without realizing it
had climbed down
the fire escape
and had walked
to the beach.
to where the waves crashed
over
and
over
and
why was I here?
why did I walk here?
the waves scared me
and I know it's a stupid fear
but the waves almost killed Daiha
they put her
in a coma
they almost drowned her
and
why
was
I
here
because
I couldn't breathe
I
couldn't
breathe
breathe
breathe
Daiha
Daiha
my heart was beating faster
and I was shaking
shaking
shaking
shaking
and the waves
they kept crashing
and it was getting louder
and I wasn't breathing
I still wasn't breathing
and oh God
my knees buckled
and I was panicking
and crying
and sobbing
and then I was screaming
screaming
screaming
screaming
wake up
wake up
wake up
Daiha
dear God
wake up
please wake up
I can't take it anymore
it's all my fault
all my fault
everything
it's all my fault
and my head was pounding
and I couldn't make it stop
make it stop
please
make
it
stop.