"The fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side." – Yoda, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
No.
No.
No.
He wasn't dead, Leia refused to believe it.
He'd left with hardly a goodbye and a pat to her shoulder. He'd looked at her with such paternal pride before he'd headed to his ship; the daughter he never had, the father she had lost.
"It was a trap," Rieekan was saying in a grim tone, "We never stood a chance. They knew we were coming. They killed them all, the senators too."
No.
No.
No.
"Princess?" Rieekan asked, finally catching sight of her expression.
"He's not dead," she shook her head firmly.
"Your Highness, the place has been totally destroyed, we've sent-"
"He's not dead," she repeated, hard and sure. She turned on her heel and left, walking briskly up to her cabin. It was all nonsense; Dodonna was tough and he was intelligent too – even if it had been a trap, he could've fought his way out of it. Even if the place was destroyed...a flicker of hope rose in her chest...he could have escaped, couldn't he? Perhaps he was still there, back on the planet, they needed to send a rescue party, her mind worked feverishly, already conducting plans, forming a group of individuals for the job. She'd go too, yes, she'd make sure they found him. She'd tell Rieekan to gather a team – she'd lead and she wouldn't take any no's from him – he wasn't General, not when Dodonna was still alive.
She stopped in her pacing and headed to the door to go back, when it opened for her after one swift knock.
"What are you doing here?" she demanded harshly, "And don't you know any better than to walk into people's rooms without permission?"
"I knocked," Han said shortly. He'd been recovering well from his injury – she'd made sure of that – although he still favoured his left side. Why would he possibly be here now?
"If you're here to ask me when you'll be sent back on the field or to negotiate over your payment, we'll see to that later, I have to talk to Rieekan," Leia said sharply, moving past him.
"You just did, I thought." The quiet words reverberated around the room, holding her still.
"I came to my cabin to clear my head, now that I know what I have to do, I have to organize a search party for the General, I have to-"
"He's dead, Leia. They found his body, didn't you hear?"
She shook as a tremor of panic hit her. "Maybe they were wrong, maybe it wasn't his body they found, maybe-"
"Leia, he's gone."
She swivelled around to face him, walked up to him and jabbed him in the chest with a finger, "You don't know that. You can't just barge in here and say whatever you want. You don't know what you're talking about."
"I know what I heard," Han said calmly, "Listen, I know you're upset, but you can't go back down there like this. The men need a clear-thinking, rational leader right now and you're not thinking with your head, sweetheart."
"Don't call me that!" she gritted her teeth, "And don't tell me what to do. I don't know what kind of treatment you were used to back when you were smuggling and doing all sorts of illegal activities with a Wookie counterpart, but I call the shots here, you understand? And I know Dodonna's alive. I just know it."
"Alright. Say that you do," he caught her hand firmly, holding it by her side, "You want to go down there and not only question Rieekan's authority, but the legitimacy of your men's witness? You weren't the only one who cared about Dodonna, Princess. Most of those men down there are just as broken as you are right now, and some of them are the ones who went back to that helltrap to see the truth for themselves."
He was blunt, but whatever he was saying knocked the reality of the situation into her. "If you need some time to yourself, take it. But do not go back down there until you're ready to act like a leader," he grasped her shoulders and looked her in the eye, "Okay?"
She willed herself to look back at him unwaveringly, even while a storm of emotions was gathering within her. She had to be strong. She didn't need to take time for herself – she didn't have time – none of them did if they wanted to defeat the Empire. But before she could even blink, a lone tear escaped from her eye. "Damn," she muttered, swiping at her cheek, avoiding his perceptive gaze. But with that one tear, more fell.
She hugged her arms to herself, trying to pull herself away from him, but he only sighed and put his arms around her tightly. She gave into it. Into the tears. Into his embrace. She hadn't cried for her parents, but she was crying now. It was too much, all of it. Was she to lose everyone she cared about in this war? Was it all really worth it? She couldn't even hold herself together in front of Han, how was she to face everyone else?
As though he'd read her mind, Han said softly, "You don't need to go back now, take the rest of the day off if you need it." He was so strong and warm, she almost didn't want to let go, but at the same time, she shunned his pity – she didn't need anyone feeling sorry for her.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" she wiped at her cheeks, looking up at him. She'd never exactly been what one might call "kind" to him.
"Because I know what it's like to lose everyone you care about at once," he said simply.
As she waited for him to continue, he sighed, running a hand through his hair, moving to sit at her bunk, pulling her to sit beside him. Instead of resisting or ordering him to leave or suspiciously questioning his intentions, she remained silent and sat, hands folded in her lap.
"Listen, I was never rich or titled like you, but I knew what it was like to be happy, I knew what it was like to have a family that loved me."
Leia nodded, watching him. She could tell it wasn't easy for him to talk about it; he never spoke of his past to anyone, much less her. He leaned forward, not looking at her and continued in a neutral tone, "I never knew my real parents but I lived with a middle-aged woman I called Mum because she was the closest thing I had to it, and a sister, another little girl we took in from the streets. Myrah. You once asked me why I don't know my age? It was because I was just a kid when I got taken in, I was on the streets for most of my childhood. We didn't have the money for gifts and Myrah didn't know her birthday either so we didn't have cause to make a big deal over it and I wasn't old enough to care. When I was in my teens – a man came to our mother, said he needed money back. Apparently he worked with her husband – they were in some dirty business together in the past. We didn't have the cash and what little we did went into our school fees – we had just enough for that. So, I thought I'd quit, get a job, pay the man off and then we'd be fine. But instead of finding a decent job for myself, I took the man's offer and he recruited me into his line of work. He was a bounty hunter. He used me to get information, for smuggling on the side, taught me how to fly a ship...even when we had the money to get rid of him, I stayed on. I liked the adventure. And I liked the money."
"Did you love your mother and your sister?" Leia asked softly, though she already knew the answer.
He paused for a moment, then said roughly, "Not enough."
"What happened?"
"They died," he said bluntly, "And it was my fault. He wanted me to kill someone for him. And I couldn't. I backed out and told him I wasn't going to work for him anymore. And then he killed them while I was out of the house. He'd come after me, realized I knew too much, could get him into trouble. And while I was in hiding, like the coward I was, he killed them."
"What happened to him?"
"I killed him," Han shrugged, looking down. There was no guilt or remorse as he uttered this last. "I'm not noble, Princess, I've done bad things in my life, I've killed and I've stolen. I've never killed innocent people, you understand? But I've shot a man down in cold blood and I've made my living whatever way I could."
Leia was silent for a few minutes, taking in his words before she said quietly, "Even if you haven't done noble things, you've had noble intentions. You took a job to save your family, you left your education for them. And you refused to kill a man for money, even if you were risking your life in the process. Yes, you endangered your family, but not knowingly. You were still young."
"I was probably around the same age you are now."
"Still, you didn't have anyone around you to stop you from making bad choices. Because I've grown up with social scrutiny and with my father's politics, I've been trained into becoming who I am. You were trained differently. And look where you are now. You're fighting for a good cause."
"So are you," Han responded, finally looking back at her, "But even when you think you're doing the right thing, people get hurt. People die. So sometimes, you just gotta ask yourself: are you doing the right thing – for who, and why?"
Leia understood what he was trying to get at now. He wasn't just trying to tell her he both understood and had felt the same loss and pain she had. He was making a point about what she was doing. In the end, he had chosen to do the right thing. He had chosen to come back to help save his friends, the rebels, even if it meant risking his own life in the process. And he was still here now. If Leia gave up now, she'd be throwing everything her father had worked for, everything Dodonna had worked for, and countless others, right back in their faces. They had left her a legacy and she had to continue it. She needed to hold strong for that. Before, she had thought of vengeance and destruction – that had been her drive. But had that been the right thing, the right motivation? No, she needed to do this for the people, for all those who had suffered and would continue to suffer under the Empire's tyranny – she needed to do this because it was the right thing to do.
She would grieve for the loss of her loved ones. She was only human, as the exasperating man sitting next to her so loved to remind her. But she wouldn't let that grief overcome her...or turn to something darker.
Han went to lie back in his bunk back at the Falcon for a bit, thinking back to his conversation with Leia. He never talked about his family with anyone before, preferred not to think back on the past, to leave that life of his behind.
But he had seen something of that same anguish and despair in him – he didn't want Leia to make the same mistakes he had. She was better than that. So many people depending on her too. Yet, so young.
He normally didn't think of her age as a barrier between them, in some ways she was more mature than he was. However, that morning had displayed some vulnerability of hers that she never showed to anyone, much less him. And he had held her tight, demonstrating a more compassionate side of him than he usually allowed himself to have. He hadn't held her because she was a woman; to seduce and to charm. He had held her to comfort.
He never tried to form strong relationships or friendships – not since his family had been so brutally killed. He didn't want to care about people to only have them taken away from him. Chewie had been a solid exception, but it helped that he also considered him a sort of business associate as well. He supposed, in a way, Leia was like that too. She wasn't exactly the easiest of people to get along with, she didn't open up to people quickly – if at all – and she was, well, a Princess and as interfering as they come. She was about as likely to want for relationships as he was, even if they both had their own ways of showing it.
Being alone in the world, without anyone who cared for you – driving away every chance at affection – that, he supposed, was what had done him in, when he had been around her age. After killing the man who had murdered his family, he hadn't been much better, he'd taken to different jobs – each worse than the last, until he'd met Chewie and they'd started up their own smuggling business. There was a sort of darkness that existed in every person, he reckoned, and it was very easy to give into it once you'd been exposed. He hadn't wanted Leia to fall into that either. As much as he enjoyed teasing her for being an Ice Princess, cold and ruthless...he was very much aware that she was a flesh-and-blood human woman...and she had feelings and wants too, as much as she tried to hide them.
He didn't want to delve into the particulars of it – he found her attractive, but also cared for her – never a good sign. He wasn't Han Solo for nothing, though. He could have any woman he wanted.
Just not that one.
A/N: I'm so sorry, I know it's been a while since I've posted a new chapter. I've been out of the country, visiting family and such, with little time for writing. Just wanted to make an important point with this chapter. Yoda was concerned about training Luke, he'd sensed "much of Vader in him" - but what about Leia? Her anger and fear could have taken her down a darker path as well, even without Jedi training. Also, as you can tell, there isn't really much of a plot to this fic - except to show the progression of Han and Leia's relationship and to fill in the blanks from the movies, which I hope you're enjoying anyway! Thank you for all the lovely comments and for those of you who've dropped me a message to let me know what you've thought of it, I really appreciate it <3