I didn't want to go back to the apartment
even though
I didn't have any of my school stuff.
Instead,
I found myself
walking to the hospital.
Visiting hours
technically didn't start
for another hour
since it was only 5AM,
but since I was Daiha's sister
I could visit at any time.
I sighed
when I walked into her room
and found
that nothing had changed.
She was still
lying there
pale
and hooked up to machines
unable to survive
without them.
I sat in the chair
next to her bed
and took her hand again.
She was still ice cold,
her breathing steady
only because of the tube
in her mouth
giving her oxygen.
Just seeing her
like this
made my heart hurt
and all I wanted
was to curl into a ball
and cry
and cry
and cry...
It took me a minute
to stop myself
from letting the tears
fall down.
Instead,
I figured
I should keep her up to date
on what she was missing.
What if she was like this for months?
She would miss so much...
I had to bite my lip
because I was about to cry
again
because this was all my fault.
If I hadn't been so selfish
so stupid
I never would have yelled at her
I never would have blamed her
I never would have run
into the damn storm...
It was all my fault
all
my
fault..
I was crying
despite trying so hard
not to
and I felt like a failure.
Daiha shouldn't have to see me cry
even though she couldn't
not technically.
But the doctors said
that sometimes
people in comas
can hear you..
which means she could
probably hear me crying
and I didn't want her
to know
that I was crying.
I took a deep breath instead
and held it until
I wasn't making any sound at all.
The tears were still falling
but I figured Daiha
couldn't see them.
Then,
I told her
that I got into a fight
and that Shane tried to stop me
from getting into another fight.
That Mary and Presley
were together
and that they wouldn't
leave me alone.
That Mom and Dad
were fighting
when they thought I was sleeping.
And that I met a guy named Jax.
I told her I didn't know
anything about him
but that he protected me
in a sense.
I told her that
I wanted to see him again
and ask him
all the questions I had.
By the time I was done talking
my throat hurt
and it was time
to go to school.
I squeezed Daiha's hand
and felt myself
smiling
just a little bit
because even if she couldn't respond
it was good to tell her everything.
I just hoped
that she could hear me.
* * *
Ingrid sat with me at lunch today.
I didn't know why
and I didn't ask
I was just grateful
that I wasn't alone
at lunch.
We didn't talk much
because her boyfriend was there,
but I would rather that
than be alone.
The only thing
Ingrid and I
talked about
was Daiha.
Ingrid said
she would visit Daiha
after school
and I told her I couldn't
go with her
but that I was glad
she was visiting.
and I was.
So far
it had only been my parents
and me...
I'm sure Daiha
would be happy
if the other two people
that cared about her
visited her.
With that thought in mind
I went to find Shane
to see if he would visit Daiha.
Even if she didn't know it
I didn't want her to be alone
to feel alone
like me.
She didn't deserve to be alone
but I did.
I deserved it
after everything I put Daiha through.
She should be happy
she should have the people who care about her
there for her.
Nobody cared about me
nobody
cared
nobody
and then I felt myself
having another panic attack
for the second time
today
and in a blur
I tried to get to the girls bathroom
away from everyone
away
away
away..
Then I bumped into someone
and felt myself fall.
I squeezed my eyes shut
because the world was still spinning
but when I didn't hit the ground
I opened my eyes
even though everything was blurry
and dots were everywhere
and my ears were ringing.
Someone had caught me.
No,
not just anyone.
I felt myself gasp a breath
because I was so surprised,
my head still pounding.
I put a hand to my head
trying to stop it from pounding,
and blinked over and over
because I found myself
staring into blue eyes.
Not just any blue eyes,
though.
Jax's blue eyes.