When I wake up I'm in my bed.
What?
I shoot up and wince as pain spikes inside my head at the sudden movement. I tenderly place one of my hands against my forehead. What happened last night?
Or was it several days ago? Did it just happen? Why can't I remember anything? I swing my legs over the side of my bed and push myself up with my arms.
I shake my head and try to remember something that will explain the fogginess I feel in my head but nothing comes to enlighten me.
Suddenly it hits me. I nearly collapse as the memory of what happen floods my mind. Alatar, what I overheard, what he saw in my mind, all of it comes crashing down on me at once.
I fly to the door and tear it open. I race down the stairs with one thing on my mind; tell Pallando everything.
I see the old man in the kitchen making breakfast. He smiles when he sees me.
"My you're up early Caran, is something wrong?"
I open my mouth, ready to tell him everything that happened yesterday.
"No, nothing is wrong. I just thought that I would have an early start."
What? I didn't say that! Why did I say that?
"Well that's nice Caran. Breakfast isn't quite ready yet so feel free to whatever you'd like until
then."
I nod my head and walk away.
No wait! I have to tell him about Alatar, why isn't my body listening to me?!
I try to turn myself around and go back to the kitchen but instead I sit down in my chair in silence.
I try to say something, anything, but I can't. It feels like I'm trapped inside of my own body, like I'm being controlled. Anger consumes me as I realize what's happening.
Alatar.
I sit there trying to break whatever hold he has on me but I'm unsuccessful. When Pallando announces that breakfast is ready I get up and walk to the table.
Except I didn't hear Pallando's voice. I heard it, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. I cannot even hear myself speak as I answer Pallando's unknown questions.
I am no longer in control of myself, I am only am observer. I can see but I can't hear, move, or talk. I fear that it only a matter of time before my vision leaves me as well.
Except it never does. At first I'm thankful for this one thing but soon I wish that even my sight was gone. Because when I get up from the table and leave the house I know where I'm going.
I scream for my body to stop moving but it's out of my control now. I can only watch helplessly as my legs carry me back to Alatar's lair.
////
I head down the same dark tunnel that I did yesterday and eventually I find myself back in the room where Alatar had found me.
The moment I step foot in the room the feeling of being trapped lifts from my mind and to my shock I can move my body again.
The first thing I do is turn around to face the door but just like last time only rock remains where a door should have been.
"Welcome back Caran."
I turn around slowly as Alatar appears from out of the shadows. I still fear him, but for now that fear is joined is joined by anger.
"What did you do to me?"
I demand clenching my hands into fists at my side.
"I could not let you return to Pallando and tell him everything could I? I had to make sure that he assumed that everything is normal with his pet elf while I borrow him."
My body is trembling in anger. I want to lash out at him but my fear holds me back.
Alatar laughs. His voice shakes the entire cavern.
"Isn't it frustrating to be controlled by fear?"
He says with mock sympathy.
"Wouldn't you love it if you never had to feel fear ever again? I can do that for you Caran, I can help you get rid of your fear."
I narrow my eyes at him.
"I don't need your help."
"Of course you do, you just do not see it yet."
He steps forward and I back away.
"Is that what you told those other elves? That you were going to help them and then torture them to death?"
He pauses for a moment and I can see anger forming in his eyes.
"Those elves were blind to what I was trying to accomplish for them. Oropher especially, I was going to make his people far better than they were. He and all of his people could have become legends, yet he turned his back on me and banished me to the wild."
Alatar turns away from me and I stand in silence. Searching for a way that I could escape.
"I will have my revenge on him, and on his descendants. I will make them pay for how he wronged me."
"But he is already dead, why waste your time going after his children?"
Alatar turns back to me with a mocking grin.
"Why waste your time killing men that did nothing to harm you? Why waste your time plotting revenge on a race that is weak and powerless?"
My eyes widen at his words. Of course he knew about the men I had killed, and of my personal vendetta against the entire race of men.
In a way he's right. It is a waste of time. Why can I not just let go and move on?
"Because they killed your
family."
I jump as Alatar speaks. Knowing that he can hear my thoughts makes me even more fearful of him.
"Men killed your parents Caran. They destroyed your home murdered Elwin and Rilien and took Anna away from you. They turned your friends on you, beat you, and forced you to become a source of entertainment for them. Why shouldn't you want revenge? Why shouldn't you take back what they stole from you?"
I shouldn't be listening to him. I should ignore him, cover my ears to his words.
But I don't.
I take everything in, it festers inside of me like a wound left untreated. And it becomes inflamed until it begins to burn.
"The only thing that is stopping you from taking revenge; is you. You can become so much more than what you are, but first you must destroy what is holding you back."
I don't want this....
It isn't me.
"But it is you."
Alatar's words are poison. I know they are, but I drink them anyway.
"What do I have to do?"
Alatar smiles and leads me to the stone table. For the first time I notice that there are leather straps with iron clasps on them. One for each hand and foot.
I allow myself to be strapped down onto the table. Cold rock presses against my back, but it's not as cold as the ice creeping into my heart.
"So much anger for one elf."
Alatar says as he pulls something out from beneath the folds of his cloak.
I turn my head to the side and a shiver runs down my spine as I see what it is.
A cruel, black dagger.
"Your anger is what will free you Caran. But first you must learn how to use it."
Why am I listening to him? I know this is wrong! He raises the dagger over me. I can sense the malice in it, I have to escape.
I jerk against the straps that bind me to the table. Alatar ignores my sudden change in attitude and procedes with his plan.
"In order for this to work you must be scarred with this
dagger."
He pauses and looks down at my thrashing body.
"And yes, it will hurt."
His hand presses down on my forehead. I stop moving and look at him out of the corner of my eye.
"Normally I would start with your face; it would be less painful."
Before I can figure out what he means he grabs my shirt by my left shoulder and tears it off, exposing half of my chest.
"Unfortunately since I am running out of time I must immediately begin with your heart. This will go far slower and will be very painful but just think about how liberating it will be to no longer have your emotions get in the way of everything."
He begins to lower the blade. I try to struggle but it's hopeless.
"You will no longer have to worry about fear."
The blade comes closer.
"Compassion."
Even closer.
"Sorrow."
The tip is pressed against my chest.
"You will feel nothing."
Then he presses it into my skin. The pain begins immediately. I scream in a way I have never thought possible before. The pain is indescribable. I can't comprehend what it happening.
My body feels as if it is on fire one moment and then a burning cold the next. My screams are unrelenting and deeper and deeper the blade sinks into my body.
Then it reaches my heart.
I expect myself to die, I want to die. Just to make the pain stop.
But it only increases.
I can feel the dagger cutting through my heart- no not cutting. It's something else that I can't explain.
After what seems like hours, days even, and all at once, it stops.
There is nothing, no lingering pain or burning skin, it seems as if everything just vanished.
Only weariness remains and I find that I can barely force air into my lungs.
I think that it's over, but Alatar is far from finished with me. He pulls something else from his robe and pulls off the lid. He forces a dark liquid down my throat and I swallow it.
My eyes close and I fall in blackness.