The words disappear from the screen, before they can fully sink in. My knees give out and I hit the floor.
That’s why she wasn’t at my Renewals. I killed her. I killed the Official who risked her life multiple times to save me.
She gave back my MCC.
She hid the napkins.
She told me her Official number.
She became my P.O.
She hid my bruise with makeup.
She told me her name.
I did nothing in return.
I only killed her.
Piper runs towards me. “Brinn? What’s wrong?”
I can only shake my head. They don’t understand. I never told them about Dawn and all she’s done for me. How can I tell them now? I have to, don’t I?
Josh and Sienna join us. Piper sits next to me on the floor.
Josh says, “It’s okay, Brinn, you didn’t mean to kill that Official. It’s okay.”
A sob escapes my lips. It’s so much more than simply killing an Official. It was Dawn.
Piper asks, “Was it something in that message? Josh, do you know who Dawn is?”
I raise my watery eyes to see Josh shake his head no. Only I know who she is. I’m going to have to explain to them how often I lied to them and kept Dawn a secret from them. Will they trust me afterwards?
I need to tell them. Now. I can’t let this secret go on a second longer.
I sniff, “I knew who Dawn was. She…” I take a shaky breath, “she was my Renewal Official.”
“How do you know her name was Dawn?” Piper frowns.
“She told me. She was the exact opposite of what an Official should be.” Now that I’ve started explaining, I can’t stop. I stare at my hands, too afraid to look at their faces. I continue, my words becoming quicker, “The first night, when I lost my MCC, I didn’t find it. My Renewal Official returned it to me.”
I list the rest of the small little things she’s done to save me from the Unknown. I list all the times I’ve lied to them, or covered up the truth.
When I finish, I dare to glance up. My face crumples when I see their expressions. Disbelief. Distrust. Confusion. They don’t understand.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Piper’s voice is weak with betrayal.
I don’t know how to explain my actions. “At first I didn’t understand it myself. I thought maybe it was a trap of the Heads. After more time passed and more things happened, I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t know how to explain that I’d been keeping a secret from you. I wasn’t planning on keeping it a secret forever, I just…”
Even I know how pathetic my argument sounds.
Irritation tints Josh’s voice, “When were you planning to tell us then?”
“I…I don’t know.”
Josh scratches the back of his neck, as if trying to calm himself. I wince and lay my head back into my hands, trying to hide the tears.
I’ve betrayed everyone who was here to help me.
Sienna says, “I can’t say I understand why you didn’t tell us, but we need to move on.”
Piper nods, “Yeah, you’re right. We have more important things to worry about. Is this all that’s going to happen for the meeting? Do we go back to our room now or are we waiting for something?”
To answer Piper’s question, another message appears on the hologram.
Tonight’s meeting is over. You may leave. You must meet here again tomorrow night. The same instructions apply.
They must be able to hear and see everything we do. Where are the rebellious Officials? Why aren’t they here? If they wanted to meet with us, wouldn’t they want to communicate without holograms? Where are they, just in some other room, monitoring us through cameras and microphones?
Tomorrow we will have to do this all again. Will the others want me to come, after all they’ve discovered my lies? What do they plan to tell us at the next meeting?
Josh says, “I guess we’d better be going then.”
We silently escape the room, exit the Lecture Hall, and make our way back to the Eating Hall. I struggle over the counter and Piper and Sienna join me.
Josh avoids my gaze, looking only at Piper and Sienna, “I guess I’ll be seeing you, tomorrow.”
I want to say something, anything that will help him understand why I didn’t tell them. I didn’t purposefully keep it a secret to betray them. I just didn’t understand what was happening with Dawn. By the time it became clear that it wasn’t some trap, the time to tell them had already passed. I didn’t know how to reveal it to them without them thinking I didn’t trust them.
I press my lips together and say nothing, ignoring the tears welling up in my eyes.
Josh turns away and jogs off.
Once he disappears, Sienna says, “It’ll be okay. I’m sure he hasn’t told us every single thing he knows either.”
Piper nods, “I guess I see why you didn’t tell us. I don’t know what I would have done either, if my Renewal Official suddenly started helping me. Why do you think she did it?”
I can only shake my head, “I have no idea. I did nothing for her, she just decided to save me, I guess.”
Sienna asks, “Do you think she could have been part of the rebellious Officials?”
“That’s what I thought, but I don’t know. She never specifically told me. I wanted to come to this meeting because I thought maybe she would be here and I would finally get an answer. It turns out,” my voice cracks, “I killed her before she could explain.”
Piper bites her lip, “I’m so sorry, Brinn, you didn’t know. It wasn’t your fault.”
I shake my head, wiping away the tears, “Everyone keeps saying that, how it’s not my fault. I can’t help but think that it has to be my fault. If it’s not my fault, whose fault is it?”
“Maybe it’s no one’s fault…” Piper trails off.
“No…no it has to be my fault. I threw the shot. I could have done something differently. I could have prevented her death.”
Piper says, “Maybe it’s my fault. I was the one who stole the blue in the first place.”
“Or it’s my fault,” Sienna adds, “I was the one who told Bridget and Piper to keep the Official away from Annie.”
Piper holds my gaze, “Maybe it’s your fault, or my fault, or Sienna’s fault, or maybe it’s none of our faults or maybe all of us are at fault. You can’t place all the guilt and pressure on yourself, it’s not fair to you. There’s nothing we can do about it now, except try to learn from what we did wrong.”
I try to believe her words, but the crippling guilt still swirls in my stomach.
˚˚°˚˚
I sit on my stool in Circle Room 8, wiping my damp palms on my skirt. My first day of Profession Training. What will I have to do to prove that I’m qualified to be a Patrol Official? What will be my first lesson?
Less than a quarter of the stools are filled in this room. Which Profession did most girls get? I must be in the minority as a Patrol Official. Does that mean I did better than most or worse?
The Teaching Bell rings to signal the start of the Training. I focus my attention to the front of the room, where an Official stands. I recognize her as the Official who always leads us in the Anthem and the Pledge during Inspection. She’s clearly one of the more powerful Patrol Officials.
“There are many duties of a Patrol Official, but the girls’ safety is the most important.” Her voice is loud and hard, sending chills down my back. Will she be leading all the Trainings? Can I do well with her cold eyes watching my back?
“Once you become a Patrol Official, it’s no longer about you, it’s about all the girls’ around you. You have to guard them against the horrors of rebellion, and the lies others plant into their heads. You must always pay the closest attention, watching every girl with suspicion. Failing to do your duty as a Patrol Official could result in a serious injury, physically or mentally.”
I struggle to keep my breaths slow and steady. I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t be a Patrol Official. Any other Profession, but this one. Hints of tears sting at the corners of my eyes.
I need to get a control over myself. There are other Officials watching in this room. I take slow, shaky breaths through my nose and curl my fingers into fists under the counter.
“Over the next years, you will learn many things and have many tests. As a Patrol Official, you can make no mistakes. Tonight will be the first test.”
Chills dance and twirl over my skin.
“As a Patrol Official, you must also learn to keep things quiet. People should only know what they need to know. If you fail this test, you’ll be removed from the Profession and taken to the Unknown. This rule will apply for the rest of the tests throughout your training.”
My breath catches in my throat. If I fail, I’ll be ripped away from my friends and everything I risked will have been for nothing.
“Sometimes you must follow orders you don’t understand. There are people with positions above you who can make better decisions based on intelligence and knowledge. It’s not about control, but about peace. To keep the peace, you must never question your orders and simply do as your leader says.”
How far am I willing to obey, just to “keep the peace”? Would I hurt someone? Wipe away their memories? Kill someone? No, I can’t do that, that’s something an Official would do.
I am an Official, now.
The truth behind the statement settles in my gut, sending tendrils of fear through me. I’m fighting against the very thing I am becoming.
“The first test is a combination of those two qualities. You must be able to keep information away from those who don’t need it, and you must follow all your orders. Remember the consequences if you fail.”
How hard will the test be? How many people will fail?
“Please follow me.” She turns and stalks out of the room without waiting for us. I rise from my seat with wobbly knees and stumble out the door. The other girls follow hesitantly behind her, doing their best to appear confident.
She leads down the hall, further into the Circle Rooms. Circle Room 9 passes, 10, 11. Dread sinks into my stomach. How far are we going? Circle 15 held those strange pale creatures that Sienna described, the ones that attack you. Is that where we are going now? Will they still be there?
She skips past Circle Room 15, and then 16, 18. Circle Rooms end at 20, and she marches right past it. I’ve never been this far down this hallway before. She turns a corner and stops in front of a door with a keypad.
She begins punching in a code and I immediately think of Josh. He learned all those codes by simply observing the Officials. My eyes flit to her fingers. They press 7, 6. I’ve only gotten the last two digits. Josh probably would have that code memorized by now.
The door opens and she continues down the hall. We stop in front of a door a little ways down the hall.
“The rules, once again, are simple. What you see must be kept a secret from everyone else in the Complex and you must follow the orders of the Officials without question. If you fail, you will be in the Unknown by morning.”