"No, I'm not pregnant. No, he's not dying. And no! I am not marrying him because the UK is leaving the EU! I'm marrying him because I love him!"
"Well, I'm glad you're marrying me because you love me and not because you're pregnant, or because I'm dying or because the UK is leaving the EU. But, uh, babe? On a serious note, I was simply calling to remind you to get more ketchup from Tesco Express. So, yeah... you better listen to this message and not delete it straight away. Oh, by the way, what does the word, couillon mean?"
"Where have you learnt that?!"
"From your grandmother, who incidentally, keeps phoning me and yelling at me in French. Apart from saying, désolé, I couldn't really say more to her."
"Right, I'll give her a call now."
"Ok, but what does couillon mean?"
"'Fuckwit.'"
"Ah. Was she calling me a fuckwit?"
"I don't know. She was shouting it at you, not me."
"So, it was about me?"
"I don't know, Daniel."
"You sound angry. Why are you angry?"
"I'm frustrated, not angry."
"Why are you frustrated?"
"Because all my cousins have been phoning me and grilling me about my 'sudden' engagement."
"And that's a bad thing?"
"It is when they all think we're only getting married because I'm pregnant."
"Ok, this explains the way you answered the phone."
"Mhm. The only ones that are actually happy for us are Emma and Adam, and that's probably only because they're still in their happy, honeymoon phase."
"What about Charlotte and Lucas? Your parents, even?"
"Lucas thinks it's a joke. Charlotte's already taking bets on how long we'll be engaged for before I freak out and leave you, and my parents are still slightly confused. Dad genuinely thought that I'd say 'no' when you proposed and mum is in a daze about it all. She keeps mumbling over and over again that there's no way in hell she'll be able to plan a wedding in five months."
"Let's disinvite them all to the wedding."
"Harsh, Daniel."
"Not really. I only want people who support us to be at our wedding. Negative energy is not welcome. As for your mother, it'll be you and I doing the planning and it'll be done in two months, not five."
"Two?"
"You're moving back to the UK permanently in October, so that only gives us two months. Plus, The Courtenay Foundation is busy planning the fundraiser. I won't be interested in planning the wedding until that's out of the way."
"Wait, you actually want to help plan the wedding?"
"Yes. It's my wedding, too. Of course, I want to help."
"Brave man."
"Haha. Marrying you, I already am very brave."
"You know, I'm the one you're relying on to buy you more ketchup, right? You should be nicer to me than this."
"My darling Sophie, I love you to the ends of the earth and back."
"Hmm... to get you ketchup, or not to get you ketchup."
"Get the ketchup, Sophie, otherwise, you'll be sleeping in your own bed."
"You say that like it's a threat but really, I'm pretty cool sleeping in my own bed. In reality, you'll only be punishing yourself."
"What about, if you don't get the ketchup, you'll be forced to stay in my bed?"
"Again, I'm cool with that."
"There's no winning this argument, is there?"
"Nope."
"Are you buying the ketchup, though?"
"Fine. I'll buy you the damn ketchup. But only because I love you."
"And this is why I love you! Ketchup!"
"Freak."
"Love you, too, babe!"
"I don't know you."
"Oh, you know me very well."
"Good bye, baboon."
"Later, 'gator."