“The loss of a loved one turns our life upside down. Our world as we knew it has changed and those changes require that we in turn adjust to a new normal."----- Unknown
One is never prepared for the loss of a loved one… unexpectedly, it’s really devastating.
It was mom’s memorial service… Ye Ri and her parents went back here in Korea to attend the funeral and express their condolences.
“I’m so sorry Ye Eun~ah… I want to stay longer but we can’t. We have to go back after your mom’s funeral,” Ye Ri said. They booked a flight back as they’ve heard about eomma’s death.
“It’s okay, I understand…” I tried to smile saying that but I failed, instead tears crawled down my cheeks.
"Oh Ye Eun~ah~” she caringly wiped my tears and wrap her arms around me. "...I'm so sorry, I can't do anything to ease the pain you are suffering right now... please be tough Ye Eun~ah."
For the whole ceremony, Ye Ri stayed by my side... and just like what she said they did leave as soon as the funeral was over. With my best friend away… I was lost, can’t compose myself to move on.
Now that mom is gone… it’s just dad and me…just the two of us in this apartment that is filled with sorrowful atmosphere. Since she passed away I felt that a part of me just died, too… I miss her so much…
With days passed, I’ve tried to survive our melancholic life… but in Dad’s case, he was worst than before… I can barely talk to him. You could always saw him looking blankly at mom’s framed picture. Mostly at night I could hear him crying and repeatedly saying sorry while clasping mom’s picture in his arms…
Not long after my mom’s death, I never thought that as worst as this could happen to me… couple of days, more than a week or so, before my graduation as I went home from school… as I make my way up to our apartment… opening the door… went straight to my dad’s room to check on him and tell him I’m home… He was lying on the bed with his one arm hanging… a small bottle and tablets of medicine were scattered at the floor along with some soju bottles… there was a letter on top of the table just beside the bed…
My dearest Ye Eun,
I am very sorry for everything. What happened to our family was my entire fault. I failed to support and protect you and your mom. I love you Ye Eun~ah but it’s so agonizing, I can’t endure it anymore… I miss your mom so much. I hope you could forgive me.
Love,
Dad
A cold sensation creeps up as my body shudder and knees went weak while reading the letter… I slumped on the floor looking at my father’s lifeless body… my tears poured down non-stop… shocked. Not wanting to accept what was happening…
“APPA! APPA! I’M HOME, APPA!” I moved closer to the side of the bed and waggling him, trying to wake him up. “WAKE UP, APPA!”
APPA! WAEYO APPA?! WAE? WAE~” I shouted again and again.
A concerned neighbor heard me shouting, she rushed to our house to check what is happening… knock and knock… when she noticed that the door was not lock she came in… as she saw us she immediately made a emergency call on her cell phone…
Another memorial service…
Dad was declared dead on arrival at the hospital. Along with the alcohol he drunk, he overdosed his self with his meds. I received a call from Ye Ri when they heard about the news. They were very sorry because they can’t go back to Korea to be present at the funeral. It’s not along time ago when they went back here and can’t come again because of some migration policy. Mostly our relatives in my father side were at the wake.
“Where would she stay after this?” one of our relative said.
“I can’t keep her. You know that my in-laws are staying at my place too” one answered.
“She can’t stay with us too. I got a lot of children already and my house is not that big.” Another one refused. I was not far from them, staring blankly at my dad’s framed photo. Hearing their conversation is really irritating. I stood up and walked to where they were. I walked pass through them and stopped…
“You don’t have to worry about where I should stay… I can live by myself.” And with that I continue to walk out the door and leaved the place.
I strolled around the street absent-mindedly. My heart aches so much that my body got numb. Bumping to some people I met along the way. I find myself riding a bus, sitting at the back most seats. There were only few passengers at that time. I felt so alone, can’t help pitying my own self… couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. Just at the other end of where I’m sitting there was a guy who kept looking at me. My mind was preoccupied with the “world-is-crashing-down-on-me” thing, so I was totally ignoring him. I was just looking outside the window… I can see my reflection on it… my tears kept on flowing out of my eyes. As the bus travelling on its way, I could see the view of the Han River… I suddenly have the urge of going there.
Still not in my sane self, I was now at the Han River side… I saw this bench and decide to settle there. There are no much people around so it’s a bit quieter. I think it’s around eight or nine o’clock in the evening… I really don’t know… I lost track of the time. The beauty of the site doesn’t ease the pain I’m feeling… I sit there in silent still weeping… I really feel so down and alone…
“Why? Why? …I really don’t understand!” I cried out loud, still refusing to believe my situation. “Eomma… Appa… Waeyo?! It’s so unfair!!! How can you leave me like this?” the pain is surging in my heart and suffocating me so much making it so hard to breathe. “What should I do now? No one even wants me… do I look like a fucking object that those pretentious people at the funeral were trying to pass me on.” I stood up and went closer to the edge of the river. “YYYAAAAHHHHHH~ SCREW YOU ALL!!!” and I sobbed even more. “Oh please God, let me die now too. I don’t want to live anymore… oh please…,” weeping so much that I can’t open my eyes much because of its swollenness out of crying. I felt so helpless, I sit curled up, hugging my knees.
Suddenly raindrops started to shower down and I don’t mind it at all. I look up the sky letting the rain drops on my face.
“Seems like the sky is crying too…sympathizing you.” A guy half smiling said out of nowhere. He moved towards to me, sharing the umbrella he was holding in his left hand and offering his right to make me stand up.
I was totally mesmerized with that angelic face smiling at me. My hand automatically reaches out to his offering hand. We were facing each other while under that umbrella. I don’t know what’s gotten to me but I was thinking… no, it’s more like imagining… you know that time stopping moment when you are facing a guy so close looking at each others eyes, and beautiful fireworks were firing up the sky… I know it’s awkward in my current situation, but I was experiencing that breathless magical moment.
“You know, there so many things in the world that would inspire you… If you lost one, you can find a new inspiration. Dying is not… I think… good thing to resort to if you really are doomed at something.” He said still looking at my eyes... he has this comforting voice associated with his soft face expression. His eyes were glistening and I really like the way he smiles… makes you want to believe whatever he was saying.
I let out a sigh before saying, “So… you heard.”
“Hmm~ sort of?” he said rubbing his nape, a little bit embarrassed. “…the yelling part of wanting to die.”
“Oh that…” the only thing I could say and followed by another sigh. I looked away from him and faced the river again.
“My parents thought me to never give up and to always believe that future could be whatever I dreamt it to be. As long as you are living there’s always hope. So never stop believing and dream on.” He said again, I think his trying to lift my spirit up.
“Good for you!” oh my~ this guy is trying to make me cry again. “…wish I have parents to say that to me too.”
“Oh I’m so sorry!” he apologized immediately as he realized that I was wearing something that you wear when having a memorial ceremony. “…what happen? Tell me… you wanna sit down?”
We did sit down at the bench. I never really want telling my life story to strangers but I actually did… I feel so at ease just being by his side. I told him everything, from the bankruptcy to how dad died. He did try his best to console me, letting me cry on his shoulder… tapping my shoulder from time to time just listening.
“I know you’re going through tough circumstances right now but you shouldn’t give in... Life is just challenging you… just be strong. Have some faith in your self, everything happens for a reason… okay?” he encouragingly said after telling him my story. He holds left of my shoulder and letting me to face him. “...don’t stop dreaming so you won’t lose yourself. Try looking for something to live for… or just live for your own life.” And with that he gave me a big hug, seems like transferring some of his strength in me. I believe the anguish I’m feeling the whole time was lessened at that instant.
We stayed silent hugging each other for awhile, and all of a sudden his phone rings.
“Yeoboseyo?” answering his phone.”…I’m at the Han River right now. I’m sorry I lost track of time… yes, I will now… Bye.” and he hung up. “I don’t want to leave you like this… but I really have to go now… it’s kinda late already.” He said looking back at me.
“Oh yeah, I think me too…” I said, putting a genuine smile on it. “Thanks a lot for all the encouragement… it really helps a lot… I feel better now… thank you.”
“Good to hear that…” He said patting my head. And in an instant he embraced me again tightly. “…always remember what I said, okay?” then I felt his lips on my forehead. With that gesture, a charge of sensation spread out from my forehead down to my body. It’s a little embarrassing to admit but I really don’t want that moment to end, but unfortunately…
“Come on… let’s take a bus together.” He took my hand and went to the bus stop. He didn’t let go of my hand until we got into the bus.
We were sitting next to each other when I remember something… He was the guy who kept looking at me when I rode the bus before I got to the Han River. I wanted to ask him about it but shyness beats me in asking it. I just gaze at his face, trying to remember every features of it. He has these very attractive eyes that look like glittering when looking at you… a well formed nose line… and his lips… those lips that kissed my forehead. I was fighting myself, wanting to touch and feel it again. He caught my eyes and he just smile so sweetly. My heart skipped crazily as I attempt to smile back then looked away… I focused myself on the window when abruptly he held my hand and interlocking his fingers on mine. It did make me blush and can’t look at him. I saw him smiling on his reflection in the window. We kept holding hands until the bus arrived at my stop.
“I guess this is goodbye for now”
“Hmmm~ yeah, I guess so… Thanks again… for everything, thank you so much. I will live for something…” I stood up went out of the bus… He was looking outside the window waving his hand and I did too when I got outside and was in front of his side… then the bus continue on his way… It was a night to remember… a moment that I will surely not forget.
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As days passed and the funeral ended, I guess mom and dad are together now. Well, I hope they are. I was alone in our apartment. With the money my parents have left me and some of what my relatives gave me, I chose to live by myself. At first my relatives were arguing about it but I know that they were relieved on what I decided on so they just gave some money, enough until I graduate and find a job, I think.
Just three days left until my graduation day, I concentrated myself on school and looking for a smaller and cheaper place I could rent, I wanted to get out that apartment we were staying… it brings back a lots of memories, and it’s really depressing. Luckily, I got a part-time job in a convenient store in Apgujeong.
The day before my graduation, I was on duty at the store… my boss approached me when I was at the counter.
“Ne, Ye Eun~ah… you said you were looking for an apartment to rent, right? Have you found one?” boss asked.
“Not yet boss… why?”
“Aigoo~ this kid… how many times do I have to tell you… just call me ahjussi… oh well, I know a place… it’s a rooftop house owned by a friend. If you want I could ask him so you could have a discount or something,” he suggested. Mr. Choi, my boss, is a very kind man. He was in his late 40’s. He has a wife and two little cute daughters. He knows my story so I guess that’s why he’s extra kind to me.
“Oh, jungmal yo? Ahjussi, you’re really my lifesaver… oh please, please, please help me get some discount.” I excitedly said rubbing my hands like pleading.
“Arasseo~ arasseo~ we’ll go there after your shift today so you could check on it.” He said smiling and then went back to his office.
“Kamsahamnida Ahjussi!” I shouted to him. He just looked back and smiled at me.
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It's our Final exam week...
I'll try to upload the continuation after this hell week is over :D