;-;
Here comes the crash.
RIP Seto.
;-;
No, it's not over yet.
But we're close.
En-juh-hoy, my be-ay-yoo-tiful Rulers.
Addict
Ch 14: "Good"
Eventually, I get up and walk home.
I stumble a lot, still weak from the spell (and apparently a Dark magic spell, too- I really am weak), and my head injury makes it hard to keep my balance, but I refuse to heal myself. I deserve this. After everything I've done, I deserve this.
The house feels cold when I enter it, which is usually something I appreciate, but today it feels uncomfortable and condemning. I consider summoning a cat or something to keep me company, but I honestly just can't gather the energy for that right now. Can't gather the energy for anything right now.
I plop down in an odd position on the couch, and then I promptly fall asleep.
☼☼☼
I wake up in the middle of the night. Stars are shining brightly. Every once in a while, a wolf's howl rings through the air.
I sigh as I stand up, and then I groan in pain as my head injury reminds me of its presence. Grand. But I'm still not in the mood to heal, so I wave my hand and I walk downstairs, clinging to the railing all the way.
For the rest of the night and for some of the morning, as well, I mindlessly prepare potion after potion, and I enchant more armor than I could ever possibly need. Time passes more slowly, and yet also more quickly, than it ever has before, and I find myself wondering what I'm still doing here.
What was my purpose before I met Brice and got involved in the whole war thing? I suppose it was simply to have fun, and to spite my old friends. But I didn't have fun, not really; and I never spited them, I only proved them right.
I imagine they've heard, by now, of my official exile. It didn't affect me much, since I never went inside the City boundaries anyways, but I feel like, from now on, I will be kinder to passersby; just for politeness' sake. Though, admittedly, I would have much preferred a year's worth of torture followed by certain death.
Regardless, my old friends have surely heard by now, and now they have all the proof they have ever needed that I am nothing but bad.
I fall asleep with my head resting on the table next to the potion brewer.
☼☼☼
The next time I awaken, it's sometime in the afternoon, and I've nothing to tell me how much time has really passed, other than my very, very over-spun potions. I consider taking them out and starting a new batch, but in the end I just fall asleep again, lulled by the monotone whirring of their endless spin.
☼☼☼
It is, I believe, day number three since Brice's leave when I finally have my proper, long-awaited breakdown.
I'm sitting cross-legged on the ground in the middle of the basement. It's dark, because I've never bothered to turn on any lights, and because I think the dark must suit me, anyhow. I've gotten the feeling that the Dark magic misses me, misses my constant casting, but I still can't bring myself to cast any spell other than the one used to access the basement. I figure the darkness I surround myself with physically may be enough to apologize to the Dark for my absence. I do not know how long this absence will last.
I know I am bad. I know I am, and always will be, the Dark Sorcerer. I know that I am meant to be feared, meant to be seen as evil, meant to use my every waking hour against mankind.
But for the moment, all I want to do is sleep.
And, perhaps, when I sleep, I can count as neutral. Not bad. Not the ever unachievable good. Just... there. Neutral.
All I've ever wanted is to be not bad. I want to help people. I want to drop my Addiction. I want to be appreciated. I want people to, when they think, "I've got this problem," immediately think afterwards, "I can go to Seto. I can always go to Seto."
But I ruined that.
Oh, Notch, I ruined that.
Sudden sobs rack my body, and I can't seem to stop them, no matter how hard I try. Soon I'm gasping for breath, rocking back and forth and hugging my knees and crying into them and wondering how I got into this mess, wondering how "Try it, Seto! Think of everything you could do if only you tried Dark Magic!" turned into "Bad, Seto. You are bad. You are Dark, and you can never be Light again. Never again, because now you are Addicted, and there is no going back."
I tug on my hair, pulling until it hurts, shrieking in pain because I don't know what else to do, and I'm so lost, I'm so lost, and I need to let out all the built up self-hatred but I just don't want to be bad, and so I don't want to go outside for fear that I will be bad, and I just don't know what to do.
I sob until my throat hurts and my head hurts, too; I sob until there are no tears left to cry and no voice left to scream; I sob until the only thing I can manage to think is "Bad, bad, bad," and the only thing I can manage to say is, "Sorry, sorry, sorry."
Eventually I fall asleep like that, cheeks tear-soaked, voice so hoarse I can hardly speak, emotions so twisted that I can hardly tell happy from sad.
I fall asleep on the cold, hard floor of my lonely, dark basement, and I wish, in the back of my mind, that I will never again wake up.
☼☼☼
I suppose it is always at the oddest and most inconvenient of times that one's doorbell must be rung.
And so it is that, with hair ruffled, cloak crumpled (and still bloodied and torn), and cheeks still stained with dirt and tears, I drag myself up the spiral staircase and to the front door.
Logically, I should pause to wonder who could possibly be ringing my doorbell. A citizen, lost in my woods and not knowing the Hell they are walking into? Perhaps, or perhaps something entirely different. Regardless, today I have no brain power to be spent on trivial questions that can be answered with the simple turn of a doorknob.
"Who goes there," I say flatly, hoarsely, and not at all scarily as I open the door.
"Uh, hey, so, three things! One: your forest is super scary. Two: uh, the Burg is a very scary place and also the road between the Burg and the City is, too. And, um, three: I was wondering if maybe just maybe you would mind letting me stay here for like just a day or two, or maybe even a few hours because I know you probably hate me and all but I just really need a few hours of safe rest because I have no clue what I'm doing and I'm so lost and I'm so scared and I didn't know what to do at all but then I thought, 'Maybe I can go to Seto-'"
Without any words at all, I lurch forward and wrap my arms around him, tightly, tightly, and I don't think I'll ever let go, ever. Before I know it I'm sobbing into his shirt, which is dirty and covered in blood and making me very, very worried about his health, but I can't stop to ask him if he's okay because I'm too busy being very, very not okay, and I'm choking on sobs and I'm gasping for breath and I'm initiating Proper Breakdown #2™, but then Brice coos, "Shh, Seto, it's all right. Come on, let's sit down, okay?" and he pulls me over to the couch and sits me down on it while I continue to gasp into his shirt, and then he sighs sadly and finally hugs me back.
"I'm so sorry, Seto," he whispers softly in my ear, and that only makes me cry more.
"Jeb, you're even more of a mess than I am," he chuckles worriedly as he pulls away, and I look down and rub the sleeve of my cloak across my nose. "Oh, Seto."
"I'm s-sorry, Brice," I gasp out, calming down but only a little. "I'm so, s-so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm-"
"Woah, hey, calm down," Brice says, his eyes widening. "You don't have anything to be sorry for."
"Yes, I-I do, I- I took you away from your brother, a-and I got you banished from your home, and I g-got you hurt, I got you hurt so many times, and when you asked me to do this one thing, to do this one spell with Light magic, I went and screwed it all up and did a terrible Dark magic spell that could've killed you, a-and I-"
Brice shakes his head disapprovingly. "You spent the past four days thinking up those reasons, didn't you?"
"I-I-"
"Seto, it's okay," he whispers, leaning in close, and I sniff and wipe my nose again as I tilt my head in confusion. "None of those reasons were legitimate reasons, Seto. None of those things were your fault. And, anyways- you did cast a Light magic spell. I know you did."
"I-I didn't, Brice," I sniffle, looking down again.
"You did. I saw it, I had a clear view of your magic, and it was super light, lighter than I've ever seen it. The Light Mages must have seen the smoke from the explosions mixing with your magic, and that made it look dark."
"That's n-not enough to prove that it was Light magic. Maybe the light just hit it the wrong way-"
"You were so weak afterwards. You could barely stand up, Seto. Dark magic doesn't do that to you. Light magic, when you only barely believe in yourself, will do that to you. Especially with such a big spell."
"I- But I- I'm-"
"Not to mention your words near the end, 'Cast the spell, Brice.' You wanted to protect me, even though you knew you couldn't. And I don't think it's possible," he says, swallowing hard, "to cast Dark magic when you have such bright intentions."
"You- You heard?"
"You subconsciously broadcasted it to me via some mental spell, I guess? I don't know, but I heard it, super clear in the back of my head. And then I cast the floaty spell, and it worked, Seto, I did it! First try! And so I was super high in the sky when everything blew up, and then I dropped back down and I ran to find you and it took me a while but I'm so, so sorry, Seto."
"I-" I stop for a moment and stand up. "I hurt you so much- I got you exiled by your brother, and you- you're sorry!?"
He winces. "Uh, sorry for that, too..?"
"Why aren't you angry!?" I shout, taking a step back. "Why don't you hit me or something!?"
Brice's eyes go wide. "No, Seto, I would never-"
"But I deserve it!" I reach forward and grab his hands, pulling him to his feet so he's standing right in front of me. "Hit me, Brice."
"Seto-"
"Hit me, Brice!"
"Seto, I'm not going to hit you-"
"Hit me!" I cry desperately, cursing myself as yet another tear slips from my eye. "Hit me, now!"
Brice grabs my arms, gently but firmly, and pulls me closer to him as tears stream down my face faster and faster. "Hit me, hit me, hit me," I sob, blinking rapidly in a vain attempt to stop the tears.
"Seto," Brice says softly, and then he pulls me in and kisses me gently, and I lean into it at first but then I push him back, frantically shaking my head and mumbling "bad, bad, bad" over and over almost incomprehensibly.
"Good," Brice whispers. "You are good."
I lurch forward and slam my lips against his, and he stumbles back a few steps before getting his balance back. "Mm," he mumbles in surprise, smiling into the kiss as he wraps his arms around me.
I break away after a while, gasping for air as I stumble backward. "Brice," I breathe.
"Seto?"
"You can stay here as long as you like."
His eyes go wide, and he grins in happy surprise. "R-Really?"
"Yes. Ah, as it turns out..." It's okay, right? If I'm good- If I'm good, like- like he said- then it's okay. I'm not tainting him. And it's okay for me to feel this way. I don't have to hate everyone. I can like some people. I can love some people.
"As it turns out," I finish, "I love you, too."