"The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. They're there to stop the other people." Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture
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Chapter Sixteen
Luke could only hold her hand. He was well enough now after his surgery that he could move around. But that was all he could do. His brother, his comrades, and even his little sister-in-law were scatted throughout the country searching for his son and all he could do was sit and wait for news.
What kind of father did that make him? How could he ever look his son or his wife in the eye knowing that he had done nothing to find Jamie? Well, there was every possibility that he would not be able to do any of those things.
Isabella might not wake up. Jamie might not ever be found. They could both die – no, he could not finish that thought.
What had he ever done in his life to warrant his family being punished in this way? Luke had served in the Royal Navy. He had risked his life and defended his country. Granted his father had purchased his commission, he had not volunteered, but was that a sin? Luke had not always behaved himself with women in his youth either, but did Isabella and Jamie deserve to pay for those meagre mistakes?
"Stop blaming yourself, Luke," Annaliese said softly from the other side of the bed. She had been saying that for days. So had his mother.
Luke knew in his rational mind that it was not his fault, but that did not take away the guilt. He could only pray that Mary did not hate him enough to harm his child. That thought alone made him sick to his stomach. His only comfort was that he knew Matthew would not rest until he had hunted Mary out from whatever borough she was hiding in.
"Isabella was perfectly fine before she met me," he mumbled. Luke knew it was a miserable, self-pitying and pathetic thought, but it was true.
"Now we both know that is not true," replied Annaliese. "The life we led was no life at all. I was sold to Matthew for a lovely price. Isabella would have had the same fate and she might not have been so lucky. Blaming yourself does nothing for the situation, Luke. Stop it. Everything that can be done is being done. Matthew will find Jamie and Isabella's doctors will do all that they can."
Luke knew she was right. Annaliese was always right. She was quiet as a mouse but she was always rational and patient.
As if on cue, Luke heard the door open and Annaliese greeted the visitor. "Good morning, Doctor Whitney," she greeted. "Hello, Helena," Annaliese added carefully, as his mother no doubt followed the doctor in.
Whatever emotions Luke was feeling on the inside, Helena was showing them externally. She had been a blubbering mess, not that Luke could blame her. He wondered how long it would be before he broke down into sobs.
"Good morning, Lady Cassidy, Captain Cassidy," greeted Doctor Whitney.
Luke did not know what to think of Isabella's doctor. He seemed like a competent fellow who knew what he was talking about, but he still drilled into Isabella's skull after making an estimation of where her bleed was. He was mad, but brilliant.
Not that Luke could see, but Doctor Whitney made his usual assessment of Isabella. Annaliese had previously narrated them for him but had stopped. Once finished, he said, "The same. Mrs Cassidy is not any better, but she is not any worse."
"You said that yesterday," said Annaliese impatiently, "and the day before that."
"Head injuries are unpredictable, Lady Cassidy, especially haematomas. I never promised you or Captain Cassidy anything, I am not God, but I am doing my best. I will call again tomorrow." With that, he left, and closed the door behind him.
If Isabella remained unconscious, at least she would not have to experience the worry over Jamie. Luke at least hoped she felt peaceful. He squeezed her hand, letting her know in her slumber that he was there.
"I have been thinking, Annaliese," murmured Helena.
"What about?"
"I think we ought to write your mother. Isabella's parents deserve to know that their child is ill," Helena said flatly. "I would want to know," she added.
"My mother would not care, and my father will go along with whatever my mother says," snapped Annaliese quickly.
"I highly doubt that, dear," tsked Helena quietly. "Your mother might be many things, but she is still your mother, and Isabella's, too."
"It has been a few years now without any contact. If they had any interest in their daughters do you not think a letter here and there would have been sent?" challenged Annaliese.
Luke knew that Annaliese's reluctance was for selfish reasons. She was not a selfish person but Annaliese wanted to keep her parents as far from their lives as possible. But her wishes had no place here. "Write her, Mother," instructed Luke. "I might never see my child again." That sentence tasted like acid on his tongue. "I do not wish that on any parent."
Annaliese was silent. She had no idea, no matter how sympathetic she tried to be.
"Very well," complied Helena.
They were silent for a while. Helena left to tend to the grandchildren while Annaliese brushed Isabella's hair and washed her face. Luke did not let go of her hand.
At some point, while he sat beside her, he dozed off.
Isabella giggled as Luke knocked on the door of the vicarage. Her laugh was infectiously musical. It made him grin widely.
"I have never been a husband before," Luke confessed obviously. He really did not know what the title entailed. His own father spent much of his time locked away in his study. He never really saw his parents interacting. They loved each other, but it was not the sort of marriage that he wanted. He wanted to be married to someone that he could not wait to come home to.
"What a coincidence, neither have I," Isabella joked.
Luke rolled his eyes.
"You shall be wonderful at it," Isabella declared. "I cannot tell you what sort of wife I will be. I never learned to cook and I have never held an infant before, but I shall try. Just promise to never leave me." She looked down at their entwined hands. "Never let go of my hand."
Luke lifted her hand up and placed a kiss on the back. "Never."
A few moments later, a half-dressed vicar opened the door. They seemed to have disturbed his evening routine. The old man furrowed his brows as he looked at the pair, clearly dressed for an impromptu wedding.
"Hmm," he pressed his lips together in a disapproving tone. "Do your families know you are here?"
Luke was not about to lie to a clergyman. "I love her. I want to marry her, and I am leaving for the war soon. Please, vicar. Marry us," he begged.
The vicar looked down his hooked nose at Isabella and arched an eyebrow. "Are you here of your own volition, young lady?"
"Yes," Isabella replied. "We want to be married, but we have no time to plan a proper wedding. Will you marry us?"
"The youth of today, always in a hurry," he muttered under his breath. "I shall get my bible. My wife can be the witness. Meet us in the church."
Luke opened his eyes, but of course, he saw nothing. He was still holding Isabella's hand. Perhaps that was what had reminded him of the night they married. But Isabella could not have meant this, just sitting by her bedside and holding her hand while others did what he was meant to be doing.
Luke needed to join the search. He needed to bring Jamie home to her, and not to sit on his hide.
There was a way. There was a surgery that Mary had concealed from him for months. A miracle cure ... a miracle cure that could permanently blind him, or kill him. In that moment, Luke did not care for the risks. He needed to try. He could not do anything for Isabella sitting at her bedside. But he could do something for Jamie.
With wishful thinking, once he had regained his sight, he would hunt down Mary and impale her with whatever he could get his hands on, just as she had done to him. Then Jamie would be safe.
"Annaliese," Luke called into the darkness.
"Yes?" Annaliese's voice came from the other side of the bed as usual.
"I need your help."
"What can I do?" she replied.
To put it plainly. "I need to go to London."
"Oh, Luke, Matthew and the others are doing everything they can," she said sympathetically. "They will send news when they have some."
"I am not going to join the search." Not yet, anyway. "I need to see my doctor."
"Your doctor? There are doctors here ..."
"Not my doctor," he snapped, interrupting her.
"Oh, Luke. Please do not make any rash decisions. We need to discuss this as a family. Matthew ought to have a say, and your mother. Now is not the time ..."
Luke interrupted her again, "Annaliese, they do not have a say. I will be the one on the operating table so I am the one who decides. If I have to sit one more day in this chair while my son spends one more day out in the world, lost and frightened, then I will surely go mad."
"But you do understand the risks?"
"How much blinder can I get?" he replied curtly. Luke was not being polite, but his patience had run out a week ago.
"You could die!" exclaimed Annaliese. "What would poor Jamie do then? Matthew will find him, and when he does, you ought to be here, with his mother, not off in some hospital having experimental surgery! And you thought Doctor Whitney was mad."
"Jamie will know this his father did everything he could to find him. I do not have to be blind. I am going to reverse this and then I am going to find him," Luke said, determined. "What would you do, Annaliese? What would you do if it was your child?"
Annaliese was silent for a moment before she exhaled and replied. "If it were my child who was missing, I would do the same thing," she replied honestly.
Luke smiled slightly, glad that Annaliese was seeing his side. "Will you help me? Can you put me on a carriage to London?"
"I hope this works, Luke," Annaliese said sincerely. "Everything ought to be alright in the end. How can it be fair if it is not." She said the last part to herself more than Luke. Annaliese was just as frightened at the situation as he was. "Your mother will be very upset."
"Tell Mother when I am gone. I have not the time to reason with her." He would never forget the horror on Helena's face when his father had announced that he had purchased Luke a commission in the Royal Navy. She would have much preferred the life of a clergyman for Luke. Luke wondered what he life would have been like had he taken that path.
But if he had, then it was highly likely he would not have met Isabella, nor had Jamie. And while Isabella may have been better off without him, Luke was not ready to give up on their family, not when he had never seen them together.
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Happy Independence Day to my American friends! Your celebrations always look so fun - much like our Australia Day :D
Okay, so I've been AWOL for two months - sorry about that! Longest time between updates ever, I know! I'm doing my Master's now, which means more assignments and less down time! I've also been working crazy hours to the point where I'm crashing as soon as I get home. I got to work yesterday morning before sunrise :(
But I FINALLY had a few hours to myself to get something written, so I thank you for putting up with me!
What's been going on in my part of the world since we last spoke?
Hmm, well we had our Federal election. Don't have a result yet. Typical Aussie politics. I saw this thing on Facebook saying that the Prime Minister job in Australia is the equivalent of the Defense Against the Dark Arts job at Hogwarts :P Seriously, I'm 21 and have voted for a new PM 3 times.
Mum and I are excitedly watching The Bachelorette. I am convinced JoJo and Luke are it. Seriously, I want my kids to have his jaw. Omg. I was so annoyed that it wasn't on tonight :( It airs in America Tuesday morning our time and we watch it Tuesday night then I realised it was 4th of July lol.
I also got her into The Vampire Diaries. We are on Season 2 of my box set. I am trying to convince her that Damon and Elena are end game but she loves Stefan. I will always be a Delena shipper and am convinced she will come back for the final episode or my fangirl heart will explode.
So my girls got into the semi-finals at netball and lost by 3 :( I was gutted. I stood on the sidelines as the siren went and was like in a trance. We worked so hard but I'm proud of them. New season starting next week so I'm ready to get back into. 3 new girls across my 2 teams starting next season so gotta get them trained up.
I also bought the Morphe 35F palette if anyone is as crazy into makeup as I am. It is the most pigmented palette I have ever used and it is so cheap! So if anyone wants awesome eyeshadow, this is perfect :) I wear it to work everyday.
If you follow me on Instagram (littlelowriter) you will have seen my accident with the tomato sauce bottle on the weekend. We were having fish and chips for dinner and I went to shake the bottle which my brother hadn't closed properly and sauce came flying out of the top. Landed in my hair, on my top and dressing gown, all over the carpet and the ceiling. I spent most of Sunday cleaning sauce out of my hair and out of the carpet. Ultimate fail goes to me!
I'm also planning a trip to Hawaii! Either November of February, just have to confirm our dates, but I will be the palest one on the beach, you can't miss me :P
That's it from me :P Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Stay safe and I'll speak with you soon xx