I’m staring into space.
The doctors around me are saying things, but I can’t hear them. They seem so far away.
The doctor nearest to me reaches out to touch my forehead and I flinch at his touch. Before I can stop myself, I reach up and grab his arm, twisting it behind his back.
The other doctors are in uproar. They are all yelling at me to calm down and for their nurses to go grab the sedatives.
“Just calm the fuck down,” I mutter, releasing the doctor’s arm. He yelps and jumps away from me, rubbing his shoulder and upper arm. He gives me a panicked look and I resist the urge to flip him off.
“Ari?”
I look at the man standing in the doorway.
Dad looks pale and drawn. He looks so much older than he really is but I don’t even care. I don’t care about anything anymore. A bomb could detonate in our house at this moment and I wouldn’t give a fuck. I am so sick and angry at the world that I just can’t be bothered about anything anymore.
This world is unfair. There is no justice in it. Innocent people die while the guilty get away with their murders. Even those who are caught go through the whole process of being sentenced and they don’t even get half of what they deserve.
“How are you feeling?”
“Fine.” I cross my arms across my chest, watching as the doctors scuttle out of the room like scared mice.
They are pathetic.
“The doctors say you’re being difficult,” dad says. I shrug.
“Ollie’s funeral is in two days. His parents have requested that you go up and say a little something.” Dad stands next to my bed, looking uncertain.
I look at dad, the muscles in my cheeks and jaw twitching.
“Don’t. You. Dare. Say. His. Name,” I hiss, enunciating each word as clearly as I can. “Don’t you fucking dare.”
Dad frowns. “Watch your language, Ari.”
I just give him a flat look before turning my head to stare out the window. The view from my room is stunning. The window gives me a full view of the city but all I can think about is how I want to throw myself out of it.
“Your mother was in the explosion,” dad says and the struggle within me to control my reaction to the news is instantaneous.
What?
“She was waiting for Richard to get out when the bomb detonated,” dad continues, oblivious to the storm raging within me. “I guess she got what was coming to her.”
I sink my top teeth into my bottom lip to stop myself from screaming.
No. No. No.
This had been too easy for her. I had wanted her to spend the rest of her life rotting in a jail cell. I had wanted her to suffer- to feel just a fraction of the pain that she had caused me. Dying in an explosion that she had manufactured was not good enough. She’d probably died instantaneously while Ollie had had bled out in the basement.
This world is screwed up.
“I hate you.”
“What?” Dad’s forehead furrows.
“I fucking hate all of you.”
“Ari, calm down,” dad says. “You don’t know what you’re saying.” There is a hint of desperation in her voice that doesn’t escape me but I ignore it.
“The hell I don’t,” I growl. Ripping the needles out of my arm and the monitors from my chest, I drag myself out of bed. My body feels sluggish and slow from all the drugs they’ve pumped into me but I don’t care. The rage inside me is enough to keep me going. It’s what’s powering me now. Rage is far more useful than sadness and grief. Sadness and grief tear you down and make you into a cowering ball of fear. Anger, on the other hand, is like an unending source of energy and I can’t let it go because if I do, I’m going to break and I don’t think I’m ever going to recover.
“Ari, stop!” Dad grabs my arm and I shove him away with my free hand.
“Don’t touch me,” I hiss, backing away from him until my back hits the wall.
The hurt and pain that flashes in dad’s eyes are enough to make me hesitate for a second but I shake away my feelings.
Stop. Rage. Fury. Focus.
“There’s someone outside who wants to see you,” dad says quietly. He looks resigned and defeated. I swallow.
“I don’t want to see anyone,” I say.
Dad doesn’t say anything. He just stares at me with a shattered expression before he walks out. When he’s out of sight, I close my eyes, breathing deeply,
When I hear his footsteps, my eyes narrow and a lump fills my throat. My mouth opens but no words come out. I want to yell and scream and make him feel the pain I’m going through but my body refuses to respond.
“Ari…”
“Stop.” My voice finally works again but it’s quiet and sounds as broken as I feel. “I don’t want to see you. Get out.”
“I had no choice.”
“Fuck it, Will. You had a choice. We had a choice.” I step forward, my chest heaving with suppressed tears. “But we left him behind. We could have saved him.”
“He was bloody stabbed, Ari.” Will’s grey-blue eyes flash and for a moment, I take in his appearance. In all honesty, he looks like crap. His hair is messy and there are bags under his eyes. His clothes are crumpled and I recognise them as the same ones he’d been wearing when he’d dragged me out of the house. “He wouldn’t have made it. It was either we left him behind and saved ourselves or all three of us died while trying to pull him out.”
I’m trembling and I can’t stop it. All I can see is Ollie’s smile and the way his eyes lit up with happines minutes before he died.
“Then we all should’ve died,” I whisper and all rage melts out of my body as a lump fills my throat.
“You don’t blame me. You blame yourself.” Will steps forward and I shrink away from him.
I lower my eyes and stare at the lanolin floor beneath my bare feet.
“Do you know what I told him just before he got stabbed?” I choke as a slow tear finds its way down my cheek. “I told him I loved him. It took me so long to realize that I loved him and just when I did, he was taken from me.” Another tear slides down my cheek and I wipe it away with the back of my hand as I look up at Will. His eyes glisten and I realize that there are tears in his eyes.
“I am so sorry,” Will whispers and his voice is hoarse. “I didn’t know. I am so sorry.”
“Well, sorry doesn’t bring him back, does it?” I lash out suddenly and Will doesn’t make any attempt to defend himself. He just stares at the wall above my head, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down.
“I don’t want to ever see you again,” I say and I’m crying now. “I can’t.”
There is a long silence as I slide down to a crouching position on the floor. Hugging my knees to my chest, I sob silently.
Then, I feel someone’s arms around me, pressing me against a warm body. I attempt to push him away but he doesn’t budge and I stop struggling. I don’t have the strength to fight him anymore. I don’t have the strength to do anything anymore.
His warmth and scent envelopes me and for a few minutes, I lose myself in it, wanting to forget everything that has happened. All I want is to be a normal sixteen-year-old. I don’t want to be the person I’ve become.
When my sobs subside a little, I feel his chapped lips press against my temple in a sweet kiss.
“Goodbye Ari.”
Then, he’s gone and I’m left alone in the cold.
****
A/N Before you guys start yelling, this isn't the end. There's one more chapter after this and I promise, it's not as depressing as this one :)
I have a really long author's note so please bear me :3
Firstly, thank you to every single one of you who have been reading this. I can't believe how amazing you guys are. Most of your comments have been so encouraging and lovely. Secondly, I've decided to enter 'Secrets' into the Watty Awards 2013. I'm really nervous and I would really appreciate it if you guys helped me out! <3
Love,
Percy