~Jake's POV~
Ever since I'd left the hospital, nothing had really changed. I still felt horribly depressed. I still took the medication they claimed would help. But, despite the thoughts that seemed to weigh down my confidence, I was still functioning somewhat well. Better than before anyways, maybe my stay in the hospital had helped some. My only concern was that I'd never see any of them again; they were gone, never to be seen. But they all had their own lives to get on with, even if I was going nowhere. That wasn't their fault.
I'd gone to college, I'd graduated. I had studied Music and history, both of those things I found were... a good outlet for my thoughts, music as it was creative, and history because I could immerse myself in the past, and that way I wasn't thinking of the present. It was a good way to handle my depression, well, I thought it was anyways.
Another thing I had gotten myself into was anything athletic that I could do, or had the confidence to do. I mostly just worked out and went to the gym. I also ate a lot healthier than I used to, it made my body feel a lot better, I was only feeding it the good things, things that would help myself function, even when I felt low.
I'd stopped the cutting, god, I'd stopped that long ago now. I realised that it really didn't help, all it did was leave behind scars that would be there for life to remind me of all those horrible times in high school. I didn't want those memories... so to cover them. I covered my arms in tattoos, they were bright and vibrant, a reminder to stay positive. It did help, sometimes when I didn't feel like doing anything, I'd just sit and examine all the pictures on my arms that made me look like I was in some band, when in fact I wasn't, I just enjoyed the happiness it brought me.
I had discovered that I was straight when I found my girlfriend Ella, we were great together, we had so many good memories. We got two dogs, Trixy and Ernie. They were adorable, and I loved them. They were little weirdo's, almost like my children I guess. But, Ella and I started to argue somewhere down the line, and we couldn't stand the sight of each other after a while.
We broke up. We hated every little quirk about each other, everything we used to find cute, it was now irritating, they made us feel so ticked off. We just couldn't handle the stress we were putting on each other. She moved back to England and I was left in America, in LA with the two dogs that we'd gotten together all that time ago. It felt like a lifetime ago, not just a few years.
Despite the time it had been since we'd left each other, I still found myself longing for her to come back, even though we basically hated each other's guts. I guess I was more yearning for the touch, and the love that used to be, so I wouldn't have to try to fix myself alone and fill the gaping hole in my chest that wouldn't allow me to survive.
And to make matters worse, my mom died, unexpectedly. I was left with just my father, sister and my dogs. I had been so very close with my mom, it hurt bad when she suddenly passed away like that, it was like someone was trying to torture me, to see how long it would take until I broke and jumped off the bridge, till I gave up and killed myself, too tired to go on with all this heartbreak and loss. It was like the path ahead of me was a long empty dark road that went on forever, and the end, if there was one, was just dark and lonely.
But I still forced myself to function, to go on like I should, despite how awful I felt somedays. I'd never been back about my depression that seemed to just loom over my shoulder and laugh at me, drag me down till I felt like I didn't even deserve to be here, like no one fucking wanted me to be alive. The feeling was awful, and I honestly just wanted it to stop, I wanted to be free from the chains that were pulling me down and keeping me locked away from the sun.
That didn't matter though; I was still going on with my day. I was grocery shopping, but it didn't even feel like I was there any more, my body was just going through the motions, picking up what I knew I needed, my face blank as I searched through boxes and dropped them in the cart I was pushing in front of me. Maybe one day I'd get to finally be happy, be free from these feelings, but I have no idea when that day will be.
I've always been the one that's been left behind, that never quite got somewhere while everyone else surged on ahead, I'd always be that person, I knew that wasn't going to change, no matter what I did to try and change that feeling, it just wouldn't happen. And maybe I was okay with that, with being left behind. I wouldn't fight to get ahead, I could take my time and do it how I wanted, that would be okay. It would all be okay if I keep telling myself that
"Oh! I'm sorry- I didn't see you there!" A lady said in a thick accent as she held her hip. She'd bumped into my cart and hit herself off of it.
"Oh, no, I'm sorry, are you alright?" I asked politely, cringing at how dead my voice sounded.
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you." She smiled at me, "What's your name?"
"I'm uh, Jake... what's your name?" asking the question in return only seemed nice after all.
"Inna, it's nice to meet you. I just recently moved here from Ukraine, I'm still trying to find my way around." She laughed, smiling afterwards. She seemed so nice, and upbeat. And she was gorgeous.
"Aw, well, LA is pretty big- California is pretty big, it's probably pretty difficult, I remember when I moved here, I was so lost." I smiled a little at her, it felt a little forced, but it almost came naturally. Almost.
"Yeah, but hopefully I'll be good, I'm just getting food for my apartment, but you seem nice." She smiled again, at me. She was smiling at me- was she taking interest? No... she couldn't be, could she? I mean, she seemed so nice, maybe she was just being nice.
"Well, I could give you my number, I could show you around sometime." I found myself offering, it seemed so natural, I felt like I wanted to be around this girl 24/7. She was upbeat and lively, her face was just fantastic, and I'm sure her personality was even better, it sure seemed like it from what I'd experienced so far. I'd love to get to know her better, become friends...
"Thank you so much! That means a lot to me." She grinned. God, she was so lovely.
We exchanged numbers so we could talk more and then went about our days as normal. My day seemed to brighten up so much after we met, I actually felt more upbeat myself, it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and chest, like I could actually breathe again.
Weeks passed and we met often, we would go for walks around wherever we could, talking for hours, I learnt so much about her and what she did, what she could do. She seemed so amazing, smart, and then I was just me. But I was doing my best to impress her, I was a gentleman, I showed her museums and shops, anything that could spark her interest and make her smile again, that was my favourite thing about her, her smile. It just seemed to light up the room.
My life just seemed to get better from that point onwards. I found all my friends from the hospital room, we talked again, we hung out, there were even discussions of creating a band together so we could show kids that they weren't alone in their struggles, so that they could become strong like we had. That was all I wanted.
So, we did just that. Inna had her own band that she joined, and we stayed close, talking every night over text, calling each other whenever we could, anything to stay in touch and keep our love. I never wanted to fall out with her like I had with Ella. I don't think I could go through that heartbreak again, I really couldn't. It would hurt way too much.
My depression had gotten better too, I felt like I could take on the world, fight and win every battle I took part in. I guess all I had to do to get rid of the depression was do something I'd dreamed of doing ever since I was a child. I didn't feel so oppressed anymore. This life was all I needed, it would do. I could live just fine like this.
I'd forgiven whatever had been making my life a living hell, I guess it all happened so that I would get up and do something productive, something great that I'd be so proud of when I got old. Something that would be left on earth and people would look at it wondering why I looked like I did. I was so glad that my life had turned out like this after so long.
I guess I was just the last one to pass the finish line again, but it didn't matter anymore, I'd gotten there eventually, I didn't need to run to get there, I just took my time and did it my way. My suffering paid off, and even if I couldn't exactly tell my mom that I'd gotten better, I'm sure she could see that I had. I was making her proud, I knew I was, dad had told me so, as had the rest of the guys.
I just wanted to make my family proud, mostly my mother as she had taught me to love and cherish music, like it was a child that needed nurtured. She gave me my love for history too, even if I hadn't given in at first, now I was obsessed.
But I was finally happy after so many years of sadness, of that cloud hanging over my shoulders, and I wasn't ever going to let anyone take that happiness away from me. I was going to keep it safe, I would love and cherish life now, I no longer wished to be dead. This was how I'd imagined life, and now I could really live it.
// THE END.
I'm finished with this book- I don't want to drag it out too long. CC was potentially summed up in Ashley's chapter. All you need to know is that he's fine, he's in love with Ashley and living how he wants to.
But, I hope you all enjoyed this book while it lasted! It was a lot of effort to write it, but I'm glad with how it turned out...
Now to focus on my two Andley stories...
~Jinxxthejinxxer ^,..,^