Prompt: Louis only wants to be good enough for Niall.
This is about eating disorders, and if that upsets you or if you have/had one, please do not read this, I'm sorry.
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Too fat. Too fat. Too fat. Too fat.
The words played through Louis' mind like a mantra, an annoying yet motivational mantra that was going to make him perfect, it would make people want to know him, he'd be skinny, finally thin enough for Niall to love.
Louis got down on his knees and peered into the toilet before him. Did he really want to do this? Yes. He needed to loose weight and this was the quickest way.
Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.
Louis placed his middle and index finger into his mouth, he was shaking a little, this was his first time. He rested the two fingers gently on his tongue as he tried to muster up the confidence to do it. Louis had always hated vomiting and the idea of making himself do it was less than appealing, but he had to; he couldn't stop eating all together because too many people would notice.
Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.
It's now or never. With his fingers shaking slightly, he slowly eased his fingers further into his mouth, very quickly gagging. Tears sprung to Louis' eyes as a reflex from all the gagging and very soon, all the food he'd eaten that day travelled up his throat and into the toilet.
Louis had been led to believe that it would be clean, that all the partially digested food and stomach acid would cleanly end up in the toilet for him to just flush and walk away. No. His fingers were covered, there was a little bit down his front and around his mouth, and a little on the toilet seat because he'd gotten a small fright and jumped as the food came up.
Again. Again. Again. Again.
Louis' fingers very quickly found the back of his throat, and more food was in the toilet, on his hands and around his mouth. Choking slightly, Louis got up from the floor and made his way over to the sink where he washed his hands, lathering them twice with soap before carefully pulling his shirt over his head. He looked away from the mirror, he didn't want to see all of his flab. He wiped his mouth and then the toilet seat clean with his shirt before throwing it in the hamper to be washed later.
Louis made his way across the hall and into his room where he sunk to the floor and cried. How did his life get to this point? He'd always had problems with his weight, nobody had actually called him fat, that's just how saw himself. Louis didn't really know when he became so unhappy.
Happiness.
Louis could hardly even remember what is was like to be happy any more. The only time he felt something even resembling happiness was when he was with Niall, but Niall probably didn't feel the same, Louis was too disgusting and fat.
He pulled himself off the floor and dragged his body over to the bed. Niall and Louis had been together for roughly eleven months. Niall was currently down stairs completely unaware of Louis' problems. Everything about Niall just made Louis feel even more insecure because Niall was definition of perfect while Louis was the complete opposite.
Louis had almost fallen asleep when he felt the bed dip slightly and a pair of strong arms wrap protectively around him.
"How ya feeling baby?" Niall whispered gently into Louis' ear.
Louis had told Niall that wasn't feeling very well and that was why he hardly touched his dinner. Niall didn't know he was lying, he had no reason to even assume so. Their relationship was built on love and trust. Louis and Niall made a mutual promise to never lie to each other.
"I dunno." Louis replied, his throat a little sore.
Niall pressed a soft kiss to the soft skin just below the elder's ear. "You'll be fine by tomorrow.
Louis smiled but he knew Niall was wrong, he hadn't been okay for months, maybe even years he couldn't remember, days seemed to collide into one big blur and Louis just wished he was dead.
"I hope so..."
"I love you." Niall smiled softly, nuzzling his face into the crook of Louis' neck causing goosebumps to explode of the brunette's skin.
Louis felt his eyes well up with tears because there was nothing but pure sincerity in Niall's voice but Louis still continued to doubt the blonde; it almost made him feel bad. Almost.
"Love you too."
That night Louis fell asleep tucked safely in the arms of his boyfriend, a small smile on his delicate face.
~*~
Niall was sitting on the couch one afternoon just reading the news paper when Louis finally came down stairs. Niall noticed that Louis was wearing one of his T-shirts. He noticed how the fabric hung loosely from his body. Niall's shirts had always been big on Louis due to his larger, taller frame but he never thought they were this big.
The sleeves came down to just above Louis' elbow, and Louis' boney arm sticking out was covered with goosebumps. But it wasn't even cold. Niall beckoned the older boy over to him, placing the newspaper on the couch next to him as he pulled Louis onto his lap, wrapping his arms around him hoping to create warmth.
Louis rested his head on Niall's chest and listened to his steady heart beat. When the relationship first started Louis had hoped to be the dominant one with him being a couple of years older but that didn't seem to be happening, and Louis hated himself for being so fragile.
Niall pulled Louis closer to him and winced ever so slightly, he was positive that this time two weeks ago Louis wasn't this small and boney.
"Are you alright?" He asked ever so gently.
"Yeah, 'm fine." Louis lied, gently closing his eyes. He was so tired.
"You're perfect baby, I love you so much." Niall murmured pressing his lips to Louis' throat.
He's lying, you're fat and disgusting, no one will ever love you.
"Love you too." He whispered, his energy slowly draining away.
Louis was always tired. He was tied physically and emotionally. He was tired of lying to everyone around him, he was tired of hiding food in napkins and in his pockets and anywhere else he may find convenient. He was tired of Niall constantly asking him if he was okay, he was tired of not being happy, of not feeling as though he was good enough. He was tired of life.
He wanted to be dead.
Niall and Louis had gone into town for a date of sorts. Louis was dizzy and clinging onto Niall's arm with both hands in what looked like a loving gesture, but it was really to stop himself from falling down.
Niall stopped to talk to a few friends that they bumped into on the street and suddenly sun was too hot, everybody's voices were too loud and the world was spinning nauseatingly fast and then all of a sudden Louis' grip on Niall loosened and the ground was very quickly advancing on him.
Niall let out a scream as Louis fell to the floor, limp like a rag doll, he watched as the brunette's head bounced slightly on the side walk before yelling at the two men he was talking with to call an ambulance.
Niall crouched down and pulled Louis up off the floor to lay him down on a bench to prevent people from stepping on him, not that they would, but Niall wanted to be safe. He gasped at how light Louis was, even though Niall was carrying his dead weight, he was still almost feather light.
"Aw Louis why wont you eat?" He whispered, cradling Louis' head in his lap. "You're beautiful, why do you do this to yourself."
Louis woke up in the back of the ambulance, he felt Niall's strong hand gripping his weak one like a lifeline; he turned his head to see Niall was speaking with the paramedic, silent tears racing down his slightly flushed cheeks.
Louis couldn't speak as he had a breathing mask over his face so he gave Niall's hand a reassuring squeeze. Niall's head flicked in Louis' direction a relieved look spread across his frantic features.
"Oh thank God." He breathed, "You scared the life out of me!"
Louis gently lifted the clear plastic mask off his face, "I'm sorry." He replied, his voice raspy and his throat sore from all of the purging, before gently dropping the mask back into place.
When they arrived at the hospital Niall was left to wait in the waiting room while Louis was taken in to have some tests done, every one was curious as to what made Louis collapse even though Niall had a fairly good idea, he just didn't want to believe it.
After an hour and a half, the doctor came out to inform Niall as to what was going on. "Louis, as you probably already know, collapsed due to lack of food. Now I understand eating disorders are tricky, and people that have them are very sneaky so, aside from the noticeable weight loss, you probably had no clue anything was wrong. Mr. Tomlinson, however has been depriving his body of food of quite some time now and a few of his vital organs are beginning to shut down. It is crucial that he eats or else he will die."
Niall stared blankly at the man standing before him. Eating disorder. Eating disorder. Niall had suspected as much but he was hoping like hell that he was wrong. He had tried to tell himself Louis was just feeling under the weather all those times he walked past the bathroom to hear him throwing up. He tried to tell himself Louis was hiding food because he wanted to save it for later. He didn't want to believe that there was anything wrong with the man he was in love with.
"Can... Can I see him?"
The doctor nodded and led Niall down a few different halls and into the sterile white room containing his boyfriend having a battle with himself. There was a nutritionist in the room and bowl of soup on the small table next to the bed. She was clearly trying to get him to eat it, while at the same time trying to work out how many calories he'd need to eat per day to get him back to normal weight as soon as possible.
"Lou?" Niall called out softly, his eyes glazed over with tears he was doing his best to hold back. Louis needed him to be strong right now.
Louis glanced up at Niall, a guilty expression in his face. He knew Niall was hurting and he hated that he was the cause of his pain.
"Why?" Niall asked, walking slowly over to the bed and taking Louis' hands in his. "Why'd you do this to yourself?"
"I just wanted to be good enough." Louis whispered, his eyes trained on his hands encased in Niall's, not wanted to look the younger boy in the eye, he only wanted to be as perfect as Niall.
Niall released a choked sob. "Louis you are good enough, you were always good enough." Niall rested his head on top of their entwined hands, "I'm so sorry I didn't treat you well enough."
Something snapped into place in Louis' mind as he watched Niall cry and apologize for things he didn't even do, it was like he suddenly noticed how much he truly meant to Niall, he stopped eating due to a personal opinion, no one made him do it especially not Niall.
Louis gently untangled his hands from Niall's and took the younger boys damp face in his hands as tears began to stream silently down his own face. "Hey, shh, none of this is your fault."
Niall looked into Louis' eyes and nodded. "Please eat, you're too beautiful for this."
Louis nervously nodded his head and slowly picked up the spoon laying next to the bowl of now only semi warm soup.
Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.
Despite the niggling voice in his mind, he placed the spoon into the thick liquid and half filled it before slowly bringing it to his lips. He knew he'd be being monitored, and whatever he ate would stay in his system. He took a glance at Niall who was watching intently, urging Louis with his eyes that it was okay and he could eat; and so Louis placed the head of the spoon in his mouth. It took a while, but eventually he was able to swallow the small amount of food on the spoon.
Louis looked back at Niall who had a look of pure pride and fondness and he realized that Niall wouldn't care if he was as big as a house, he wasn't shallow and Niall looked for personality.
And that encouraged Louis that yes, he did in fact want to get better.
And he was going to try.
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I'm really proud of this if I'm honest aha.