This is so humiliating. My son is telling his friends he can't hang out because he's staying at his old man's flat for the weekend. Bloody hell, I hate the sound of that. It shouldn't be my flat, it should be Cassie and I's home that we share and raise our beautiful children in.
As I sit here, holding my daughter and watching my second born color on the floor, I look to Elliott and say, "You can go out. Honestly, it's fine, I've got these two to keep me company." I didn't want this situation to change his childhood. I want him to go out and have fun and forget about all this.
"No, it's fine," Elliott told me in a sad tone, as he fiddled with his phone. He was taking this harder than Dustin, which is understandable. "Elliott," I softly called. He looked over to me and I gestured for him to come over.
He let out a loud sigh, then walked over and sat down on the couch next to me. I set Harper in her crib, then put my arm around my boy and pulled him to my side. "I know this is hard," I told him, "but believe me when I say that I will not stop fighting for your mum. I love her more than you or her can ever imagine."
He looked up at me with sad eyes, my poor lad. "Her divorce lawyer has been coming over. A lot," he told me, sending my heart to my throat. A divorce lawyer? We haven't even fully discussed this! She hasn't told me about any fucking lawyer!
I took a deep breath to calm my nerves, as Elliott continued, "I don't want you guys to get divorced. Please, dad." I looked to my son with a sad sigh, then brought him in for a hug. "I don't want to divorce from your mother," I told him, "but if that's what she wants...I can't stop her. I can only try to persuade her to change her mind."
"So persuade her!" Elliott shouted as he stood up. I looked at him in shock. He's never raised his voice like that. "Elliott, it's alright," I soothingly told him. He shook his head with tears threatening to spill; it was breaking my bloody heart!
"No," he told me, his voice cracking, "it's not going to be okay. It's never going to be okay!" I saw Dustin quickly get up and move over to me and Harper started crying. I slowly stood up, never taking my eyes off Elliott.
I could feel Dustin's arms wrap around my leg like he was getting scared. "Calm down, son," I gently told him. He started to cry and I could feel my heart physically break. "Come here," I said, while holding my arms open. "Come on, it's alright."
Elliott practically fell into my arms and broke into sobs. I held him tightly, as I rubbed his back and put my fingers in his hair. I kissed his head, rocked him, almost everything I did to calm him when he was a baby.
"Let's get you in bed," I softly told him. "I know you haven't been sleeping." He nodded and started leading him to his room, but his legs were giving up on him. "I've got you," I said, as I bent down and lifted him up in my arms. I haven't carried him like this for years.
I brought him into his room, then set him down on the bed. I made sure his shoes were off and the blanket was over him, before sitting down with him until he fell asleep. I leaned down and kissed his head, then quietly walked out, leaving his door open just a crack.
Thankfully, Harper had stopped crying and Dustin was back to coloring. I needed to speak to Cassie about this. I can't have this decision made solely based on us, but on our kids as well.
A few hours later, after all the kids were in bed, I rang Cassie. Actually, I rang her a couple times because she didn't pick up the first or second. Finally, the third time I called, she picked up. "What, Benedict?" Her tired sounding voice answered.
"Cassie we need to talk," I firmly told her. "It's about Elliott and about us." She seemed to have perked up at the mention of Elliott, as she quickly asked, "Why, what's wrong with him?" I sighed and sat myself on the bed. "He's taking this thing really hard. I'm worried about him. Earlier, he shouted at me, then started crying because you have a fucking divorce lawyer often come over, apparently."
I could hear her heavily sigh. It was quiet for a few moments, until she asked, "What should we do?" I actually smiled at the question, I had to! This could be the first step to getting back to being...us. "I think we need to talk, really talk. Not over the phone or between lawyers, but between us. Let me make dinner reservations tomorrow and we can do it there. Elliott can watch over Dustin and Harper."
I could practically hear the gears turning in her head. I got up from the bed and paced the room as I nervously chewed on my nails. Finally, after several minutes of deafening silence, she said, "Okay." I threw my fist up in the air and jumped around!
"Great," I said as normally and calmly as I could. "I'll make it for Ledbury, let's say around...six?" I bit my bottom lip as she said, "Sounds good. I'll meet you there." Even though she sounded like she could think of a hundred better things to do, rather than go out with me, I smiled widely and said, "Alright, I'll see you, then."
I hung up the phone, then fell back on the bed. I am going to make this right.
The next night, while I was getting ready for my unofficial date with Cassie, Elliott came into my room with Harper in his arms. "Hey, you two," I said. "Where's Dustin?" Elliott told me he was distracted with coloring. Sounds like my boy.
"Dad," he said, "are you going to try and work things out with mom tonight?" I went up to him and put my hand on his shoulder. "Ell, this is going to be a process," I truthfully told him. "Your mum and I are not going to be getting back together tonight, I can tell you that much, but I am going to try everything I can to make us a family again, okay?"
Elliott nodded, but then Harper started fussing. I watched with a proud smile as Elliott gently shushed her and rocked her until she settled down. He was such a great kid. I was so bloody proud. "Have you been looking at baseball teams for this summer?"
The widest smile appeared on his face. I never want that to go away. "I found a few," he told me. "They're supposed to be really good! Maybe we can look at them when you get back?" I smiled and told him, "Of course! If I'm back too late, just print out any information and leave it on my bed and I'll check it out."
I checked my watch and realized I was going to be late if I didn't leave now. "I have to go," I told Elliott. I gave him a hug and continued, "Remember, she needs to be in bed by seven. Your mum will kill me if her sleeping pattern changes. Dustin's frozen meal crap that he likes is thawing in the fridge and I left some money on the table if you want to order pizza or Chinese, whatever you want. If you have any problems call me, for God's sakes don't call your mother because I don't need her thinking any less of me. Alright?"
He nodded, so I said goodbye to my baby girl, then went in to Dustin's room and said goodbye to him, too. By the time I left, traffic was awful. The closer it got to six, the more I honked at the traffic. I should have just taken my motorbike, but ever since my accident just after Dustin turned three, I realized my short temper with slow traffic is a bad combination.
I got to Ledbury thirty minutes after I should have and I was praying that Cassie hadn't left from waiting too long. I ran from my car, into the restaurant and quickly went up to the hostess. "Ah, yes, Mr. Cumberbatch, your guest is waiting at your table."
My guest? What in the hell? I looked over to where she was pointing and saw Cassie looking at her wine glass. "Actually, that's my wife," I corrected. The hostess seemed confused, then said to me, "Oh, well that's not what she told me. Anyways, she's just ordered her food, but I'm sure if you ask the waiter, he can put in yours and bring it out at the same time as hers."
I didn't care about the bloody food. I cared that Cassie wasn't even referring to herself as my wife anymore. I let out a sad sigh and thanked the hostess, before walking over to the table with heavy legs.
Once I got to the table, Cassie looked up at me from her wind glass...and it's like all time had stopped. She was so beautiful. She's just as beautiful as she was almost twenty years ago and I know she'll continue to be just as gorgeous for years and years to come.
My heart flutters every time I see her. It's like seeing her for the first time.
"Hi," I said with a smile. It's been eight weeks since I've seen her. When she drops off the kids, she doesn't get out of the car. "Sorry I'm late, traffic was awful," I explained, as I sat down. "How have you been, darling?"
I reached over the table to take her hand, but she quickly jerked it back. I realized I shouldn't have done that, but it was just a natural reflex. I also noticed...she wasn't wearing her ring. I stared at her empty left hand for several minutes, until her voice pulled my out of my thoughts.
"I'm okay," she told me. "Didn't want to take your bike?" I lifted my eyes back up to her and shook my head. She gave me a small smirk and said, "Good. I can't even think about your accident." I could see her eyes glaze over with the memory.
I wasn't a bad accident, but it scared her enough to where she can't trust any sort of machine like that ever again. To be fair, it was raining and we did just have a fight, so my temper was at an all time high. That combined with the slow traffic, it was bound to happen.
I was so worked up about the fight and I was thinking about it so much that I didn't see the car in front of me had stopped. By the time I saw it and slammed on my breaks, it was too late. The ground was so wet that I just kept moving until I crashed into the car.
I broke a few ribs and my leg, I also fractured my arm. My face got a little banged up because of how hard I hit the inside of my helmet, but it wasn't anything life changing. I was in the hospital for about a week because I needed extensive care for my ribs.
Cassie was an emotional wreck the moment she saw me. She brought Elliott and Dustin and was sobbing her little heart out. I honestly looked worse than I felt. Elliott was a strong thirteen year old and contained his emotions, but Cassie told me how much he worried. Dustin was too young to process what happened.
"That won't happen again," I promised her. The waiter then came over and refilled her wine glass and took my drink and food order. "So are the kids behaving?" She asked, before sipping on her wine. I took a swig of my drink, then joked, "Oh, they're fucking awful."
She chortled in her wine and started giggling. I continued, "Elliott is drinking and doing drugs, I think Dustin has a girlfriend, and Harper...don't get me started." I finished off my drink and called over for a new one, while Cassie laughed.
When I got my fresh drink, she had started to calm down a bit. "God, I miss your laugh," I chuckled. I put my hand over hers and she didn't pull away. I gently wrapped my hand in hers, then said, "I miss you." We were back to being completely serious now.
"Ben," she sighed, "I miss you, too. I do. I just...I don't think I can do this anymore." I scooted closer to the edge of my seat and asked, "You can't do what anymore? What did I do?" She sighed and shook her head and told me, "It's not just you. It's just everything. It's the fame, it's the traveling and the...overbearing shit that comes with it. You've been so distant and angry and it's making me so unhappy. I'm sorry, I know it's your job and I know I was encouraging you and pushing you to go that extra mile and I don't regret it, but...God, I don't know."
She put her head in her hands and started to softly cry. "Oh, darling, no," I softly said, as I scooted my chair closer to her. "Darling, please don't cry." I put my hand in hers again, but squeezed it tightly. "You know I can't stand to see you like this."
It was true, I would rather see anything else than my poor girl cry. I got her glass of water and held it out in front of her. "Drink this, baby," I told her. She took it from me and took a few large sips, before setting it down.
I then took a napkin off the table and gently dried her eyes. "You said Elliott...was crying?" She asked. "He cried?" I nodded and told her, "Yeah, he was very upset last night. He has been for a while. He...he told me you've been seeing a divorce lawyer. Is that true?"
She nodded and my heart cracked. "But I don't know what to do with any of the stuff he's telling me," she said. "There's custody agreements and who gets what and if I'm willing to put the kids through this. I don't like any of it. I don't like any of this."
I looked down at the floor and closed my eyes. "I think we just needed a break," I told her. "Honestly, I think that's all we needed." I looked back up at her and saw her looking at me with sad eyes. "We can still work through this," I continued. "I am more than willing to cut back on work to focus on us. We can go to counseling, go on a very long holiday, whatever it takes. I am so lost without you, baby."
I looked down at her left hand and said, "And I can't stand to see your hand so empty." She then started digging in her purse and pulled out her engagement and wedding ring. "I can't go anywhere without them," she told me.
I carefully took them from her and looked them over. Both of our rings were cheap and dirty, no matter how many times we try and clean them. It's all we could afford back in the day. I wouldn't trade them for the world, though.
"Do you still love me?" I suddenly asked her. She looked at me like I was crazy and I wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing. "Of course I do," she told him. "Twenty years, Ben." That was an immense amount of relief to hear her say that. I don't know what I would have done if she told me she didn't love me anymore.
I took her left hand, then slowly slipped on her engagement ring. "I love you more than you can possibly imagine. You are everything to me. You are my first love, my first lover, my only lover. We've been inseparable for nineteen years. Let's be inseparable for the rest of our lives."
She had tears in her eyes, but she started nodding at me. "I want to try this," she softly cried. I slowly slipped on her wedding ring, then cupped her face and brought her in for a kiss. We kissed for a few minutes, then pulled away to catch our breaths.
"Bloody hell," I breathed. She chuckled and asked, "What?" I gave her a small smile, then said, "I told Elliott we weren't getting back together tonight, that it would be a long process." She squeezed my hand as she said, "It is going to be a long process. Let's take it slow, especially for the kids' sakes."
I smiled and told her, "Absolutely. I'll do anything."
Over the course of the next few months, Cassie and I went to counseling. We spoke about how we felt about each other, memories, sometimes expressed the things we didn't like about each other, but after every session, we came out feeling ten times better than before.
Just before summer started, I had moved back in. Elliott was over the moon, as was Dustin and even Cassie expressed her relief. I don't think anyone was more relieved than me, though. I had my home back. I had my family back.
I sure as hell am never going to let them slip through my fingers like that again.