I play that memory in my mind everyday, keeping Eli's promise close to my heart... Truth be told, that day was the best day of my life by far. But of course it will be completely out-ranked when I'm wed and then when I give birth to my first child. But those things take time, of course. I have more important scenario I have planned I must accomplish first. My dream was to run away. To take Eli and his family and run away. To follow the Northern Star, all the way to Ohio. We could live on a cottage and raise horses. To start a family with the man I loved...
Rumor has it is that the sheriff wants to marry me. He's quiet a fine gentleman, yes. But that's just. he's a handsome fellow and treats every fine woman with a smile. A tall man. Broad shoulders and deep dark tousled hair and blue eyes. He's nothing to get excited about, though. He would make the perfect husband, If he would be perfect, then why not marry him, you ask? He may have a charming smile and has a voice so warm, it made you melt, he does not have the personality I search for in a man...
I've talked to him a few times in town. Very polite. He placed a tender kiss on my hand and introduced himself with a low bow. I will not lie that I wasn't flattered. I couldn't help but smile. But he doesn't welcome women with a warm hug and a sweet kiss on the lips like Eli does.
I've talked to the women he has seen and he doesn't lay on a soft patch of grass and gazed up at the stars, holding you in his arms. He doesn't dance with you on the beach when the tides come in. He doesn't race you through a field of tall grass, tackling you with a kiss when he catches you.
The sheriff does not have an exotic personality like my dear Eli. The sheriff takes you out for a nice quiet dinner with wine and candles. He will walk you home in the moon light, a kiss on the hand and a good night.
Eli does not tell me when it is time to leave, I am not escorted. I can handle myself just fine, thank you. And Eli knows this. I do not need a fancy dinner with wine. Just cuddling on the couch satisfies me quiet well..
"This will simply not do," harped my mother.
The scanty farmer's face fell. Mother continued to eye the Red Delicious in her hand with her nails prodding it like some dead animal. The farmer had a straw had that had light shinning through the wholes onto his face. He had solid weight with his front teeth missing. He chewed tobacco and stank of hogs.
The red apple shinned in the afternoon sun, glistening with smooth skin, unscratched. Freckled with perfection and curved with absolute. But when you turned it to look at the back side, the skin of finished excellence was dented the slightest with a bruised brown, that according to my mother, contaminated the whole apple.
I pursed my lips out of frustration as my mother continued to nip and pick at the apple of "disgrace". The summer sun continued to beat down on my face and I could feel the sweat trickle down the small of my back. Eli stood the slightest behind me, arms cross, him too thinking my mother's shenanigans to be ridiculous.
"What wrong wit it?" buzzed the farmer in a thick country accent.
"You do not see that?" addressed Mother, "There is a foul bruise on this apple and you expect me to eat it?"
I wanted to shoot myself. This is why I hated going out with my mother. Father is just as bad, but not quite. "Ma, just buy the poor man's apples. It's just a small bruise. Cut it off before you eat it," I said in a low tone.
She scrunched up her face into a horrid scowl and said in a putrid tone, "You will address me as 'Mother', Evelyn. When in God's name did you start to entice me as 'Ma'?"
I never had really. Eli calls Mr. and Mrs. Jackson "Ma" and "Pa" and sometimes it slips out. I didn't answer. Mother continued to scrutinize me with dead, cold eyes. She heaved a sigh and turned back to the farmer, "Fine. We'll take a dozen. Eli, grab the bag." And she stuck up her chin high and went her way to the vegetables.
Eli did not protest, of course, but shook his head and said in a low tone, only for me to hear, "I do not understand how can live with that woman. She's absolutely gone mad."
"You're just now figuring this out?" I trailed behind Eli as he followed Mother as she picked a little of this and a little of that, paying for them, then yelling at Eli to add them to the bag.
"Can we talk about yesterday?" I asked him.
His jaw clenched but then relaxed, "No."
I puckered my eyebrows, "Why not?"
"You know very well why," he responded in a humdrum tone.
"You are just going to let me assume? That can be dangerous on your part, Eli. Considering there are many reasons why you won't tell me," I fired back.
Eli heaved a sigh, "Evelyn, why must you bring this up when there are ears, especially your mother's, that are acutely sensitive to corrupted conversations such as the one you insist we have."
"Who cares? They're gonna find about us someday..." I said quietly.
"No, they won't!" shouted Eli. It wasn't loud enough to draw attention but enough to scare me, "Because there is no 'us'," he continued, "There never was. There never will be..."
I froze in place, trying not to believe his words. I could only see Eli walk away, but I could feel my world crumble before me, laying in brash at my feet. My chest tightened and my heart ached with every beat. I was aware of everything now...
I heard my pulse in my ears while my breath quickened with every second. The sweat on my brow was chilled, just like the rest of my body. My mind was limp and my knees felt weak, as if they were going to buckle under my weight. I wanted to fall... I wanted to collapse and lay there on the ground. To wait for Death to come across me, for I do not want to live without my Eli.
I thought I could say the same for how Eli felt, but I guessed myself wrong. My voice was lost in my throat. It felt as if I never had one at all. My mouth went dry and my hands were clammy. In my tunnel vision, Eli turned around and said, "Why are you just stand there? Aren't you coming?"
His voice was muffled and the noise around us seemed to have gone mute for the time being. I glanced around, looking for reality to hit me in the face. When I finally came to terms, the sounds of the Farmer's Market flooded into my ears. Then reality did hit me. Hard. I needed to go home..
"I- I-uh... I need to- le- go and lay down..." I stammered.
Eli just watched my quickly walk with grace out of the market. When I was out of eye sight, I began to run. I ran as fast as my feet could carry me. I did not stop. I did not slow down, but went faster if possible. My legs ached and muscles were pulled, but I did not stop. The heat was unbearable. My lungs seemed to have caught flame as my hair did.
Just as I thought the pain couldn't get worse, my house came into view. I ran faster, pushing through the pain. I busted through the doors and the cool air ran its fingers through my hair. I sprinted up the stairs, jumping two at a time. I begun to rip my layers of clothes off before I even reached my room.
When I entered my room, I was nearly naked and flung myself onto my bed. The heat finally left my body and the chilled air left me feeling more comfortable. I just then realized I had been crying, mistaking my tears for sweat. I sobbed on my bed for who knows how long.
I did not come down for dinner. Eli told my mother I was feeling ill. The lie worked and I carried it out for the rest of the night and the next day. I slept in past noon and my appetite did not interrupt my depression state I was in.
Ruth came up into my room after lunch (I did not eat). She tapped on the door. I let her in. "Did I'se wake ya up, dear?" she asked me.
I faced away from her, laying on my side. I said no. I had been awake for over an hour. I heard her take a sweet sigh and placed down a tray. She came over and sat on my bed. She brushed my hair that lay fanned over my face and tucked it behind my ear.
"Did he tell you?" I managed to choke out.
She said yes. I rolled onto my back, looking up at her, "Did I do something wrong?" I whispered. I felt a tear escape the corner of my eye.
"Oh, no, honey!" Ruth cried out, pulling me into a tight hug.
More tears slipped out, running off my cheeks and onto Ruth's apron. She smoothed my ruffled hair and rocked me side to side as I also returned the hug. "Why doesn't he love me anymore?" I cried.
"Oh, baby. Eli does love you, child. Ya know he can be messed up in da head at times."
"But- but he told me... He said that he would never leave me and.... He said he loved me!"
"I know, baby, I know. And I know... I know he loves you. I'se don't know what's goin' on in dat head of his, but honey, he loves you. More than he can stand it, I'se can tells ya dat!"
"Ruth... Did he tell you why he said that in the market? It just don't make sense..." I said, I wiped away my tears and looked at her with gloomy eyes.
She pursed her lips while she smoothed back her hair, "He said that he's doin' what's right... He has good intentions, baby girl. But this whole love thing he be feelin'... He's just confused. He just believes dat since your Pa owns him, means he can't have ya. And dat's dat..."
I sighed, "What do I do, Ruth?... Should I move on?"
Ruth placed her hands in her lap, "Do ya want to move on, sugar?"
"No," I whispered.
"Then this is what you do... You got's ta eat some fruit... Get up, get dressed, fix ya hair... Then you march your lil bottom to that boy and smack some sense into him! Come on! Here, eat ya fruit. Long day, long day! I'll get Eli all ready and you'se come down to our cabin and you eats yourself a fine meal! Chicken... Ya, I'll make chicken." she continued to ramble on about tonight's dinner and left my room closing the door tight so no one will disturb me as I got ready to see Eli.