EUNSEO 은서
LEE YERIN / YOUR SPACE
coming back to the beach was almost nostalgic. the beaches near seoul weren't as comforting as the ones back in busan, but they were adequate, and no more than that.
jungkook invited to meet me and i was hesitant. despite that period of longing and loathing i almost wanted to go back on my word. i was nervous — to say the least — and my heart was about to jump out of my throat — to say the most.
the waterfront was cold, as expected of the sea at nearly one in the morning. i didn't know what i was doing awake at this hour — nor did jungkook. i could almost taste the leftover soju in his mouth, and it was potent. it was my first time on these sands, yet this somewhere felt like an old friend, with the water greeting me and kissing my feet.
jungkook and i sat together, on the same sand, watching the same stars, and it was tender. we sat in this silence that made you feel like crying. i wanted to cry myself, but no matter how hard the tears fought to trickle down, i could only feel this ache in my chest. it was sad, i felt sad, and i wanted to cry — but i couldn't do it. not in front of him, anyway.
"it's been a while, eunseo."
"i know." i hugged my legs to my chest, burying my chin into my knees.
"i'd be lying if i told you that it didn't kind of break my heart. leaving you and seeing you just as sore as i was."
it was silent again, and somehow i felt as if i was back at home. i ran my fingers through my hair, wanted to wrap myself in my sheets and just lay in bed but instead i shivered only in my thin hoodie with the cold breeze emerging from the waves before me.
it was late. i should have been asleep but i knew that only reminding myself to do so wouldn't change anything. i hadn't been sleeping well for the past few nights, and this counted as another. some days would go by without any sleep at all, with only my slight attempts of laying in bed but eventually ending up staring at my window until the sun came in through the curtains.
i could tell that jungkook barely got any sleep at all, either. i was sure that it wasn't because he had any trouble to, but because he didn't have the time. never really did, either. i couldn't wrap my head around the thought of how he could find any time to drink all night, let alone meet up with me at such early hours.
"how are you? are you eating well?"
i gave him a small grin, "i'm okay. i haven't had that much of an appetite these days. but i'm okay."
"are you sure?" he pressed the back of his hand up to my forehead and held it there for a minute. it was warm, almost hot compared to how i was feeling.
"jungkook," my voice was small and frail.
"hm?"
"is it okay if you stay over tonight? my aunt is working until the morning, and i don't want to be alone. especially being away from home. it's okay if you're busy, though, i understand —"
"of course," a faint smile touched the corners of his lips, as did mine. "i don't have any work until around noon."
somehow the small silence between us was a lot more comfortable to me than i thought it would have been. was as gentle as we were rough. i wanted to remain there until the sun came up, begin a new day without even another word. not a single one. in the next moment i was hit again with a wave of unbearable sadness — but this time i felt as if i had a better grasp. of his warmth, of mine.
i was almost certain that this stillness worth meters deep would moved our hearts even a few centimeters closer — whether we could be platonic or romantic. mutual or unrequited. but just as the ocean parted, we had to draw the line between the the stars and the moon. between him and i.
"you wanted to talk right?" jungkook spoke, leaning back on his hands.
i looked at him. "what?"
"that day you called me. you said you wanted to talk about something."
i shrugged, and laughed. "i don't know. i just — needed someone to talk to, i guess. you. i needed to see you."
there was a point where we were just looking at each other. i didn't realize it at the time, and neither did jungkook, but in that moment we were in our fondest place. being in our swimsuits and in the water was what we could only imagine, but we were somewhere where we could let things go. we were both too hung up on our hearts aching and seeking for answers. too hung up on each other.
it was another monday night — no, early tuesday morning, and it was only him and i. i grew almost accustomed to this, laying under the stars and feeling so hollow that not even the sea in front of me could fill me up. but finally being with the one person that could make me feel whole again made the aching pain in my bones gnaw into my chest and eat my heart out. i noticed the silence that we engulfed ourselves in. i noticed my suffering heart, still beating despite how much it had been through. it had passed another monday night, just like how it passed all of the other monday nights it had felt, and it was doing just fine. i was doing just fine.
—
a/n: it's 2am here and i can't sleep
tagged by adultaes to do the selfie tag :
they look the exact same but i swear they're different;; (also can u see my farmers tan because me too :/)