"I feel the air upon my face, forget the mess I'm in
Hold me again, don't count mistakes, I lost track of them"
***
"So why do you and Grayson hate each other?" Phil asked. He wasn't usually someone who dug into other people's business, but as of right now, he sort of hated not knowing things about people he was close to. And he was close to Holden, right? They'd been working together for a few weeks now, and they could hold a decent conversation; they weren't strangers, at least.
Holden looked up at him from the textbook laying open on the table. "What?"
"You and Grayson," he said again, tapping his pencil against the tabletop. "Every single time you two are in the same general area, it's like World War III erupts. Why do you hate him?"
"I don't hate him," Holden said with a shrug that was nowhere near convincing. "It's a...mild dislike, I suppose. A mutual one, too."
Phil flipped the page in his notebook. "Well, I can see why he would hate you," he said, and ignored the bitch face Holden threw him, "but I want to know the reason. I mean, he is my friend. I should know these things."
Truthfully, it wasn't his place to demand the information, if Holden didn't want to share it. It had nothing to do with him, but he was curious and too persistent for his own good.
"You know, now that I think about it," Holden said pensively, "there isn't a real reason." Phil raised an eyebrow at him in disbelief. "I mean, he is annoying and loud. And he doesn't know how to take a joke. And he's way too overdramatic."
"And that's why you don't like him?"
"It's the kind of personality only a mother could love."
Phil laughed and shook his head. "You're such an asshole."
"Alright, there was this one time, in like Year 3 or something--"
"Wait, you've known him since primary school?"
"Not really knew him," Holden shrugged. "Just had the same class. Anyway, it was Valentine's Day, right, and we were doing some stupid card exchanging activity, where we had to bring cards and stuff the whole class. And Grayson walks in, calm and cocky as he's always been, and he's handing out his cards and just...skips me. He doesn't give me one, doesn't even look in my direction. That's a good enough reason, right?"
Phil stared at him in disbelief. "You're being serious? Some primary school grudge, that's the reason?"
"As a kid, that was a very triggering moment for me," Holden said, holding a hand over his heart melodramatically. Phil flipped him off. "Okay, so I don't have a very solid reason for not liking him. But he doesn't either, maybe you should interrogate him."
Phil shrugged and didn't have the will to tell him that him and Grayson weren't on such great speaking terms either.
***
"Alright, first official band meeting in, like, fucking two months." Chris sat down across from Phil, leaning back against the wall and staring around the room expectantly.
The four of them were spread out across the floor of their practice room; they hadn't been all in the same room in a long time, and the awkwardness of it was surprising. They'd never been so reserved with each other before. But Gray and Elliot were on opposite sides of the room, and Phil was trying not to draw too much attention to himself, and they were being so stupid.
"I know that there have been some slight...complications, as of late," Chris continued, filling the profound silence gratefully, "but we are still Heinous, and we need to find a health and effective way to deal with them. Come on, we're still friends, guys."
But lately, their definition of friendship had begun to fade around the edges.
Keeping secrets and stabbing each other in the back, that wasn't something friends would do, and yeah, Phil felt guilty as hell for all the shit he'd said to them, and he would like nothing more than to try and resolve it, but how? He couldn't tear them apart and try and fix it with duct tape, there were no magic words that could take it all back. They would always have these moments in their life, and that was the worst part of it all; the scars it left behind.
"You morbid motherfuckers," Chris muttered, dragging a hand across his face roughly. "Okay, what I think we need is some bonding exercises. We can...try and bring out some of this tension, approach it and make it disappear."
"This is stupid," Elliot said. "Look, why don't we just play some songs, practice or whatever, I'm sure that's more important."
"Yeah, cause it's just that easy, right?" Chris shot back at him. "All of you, all of us, are way too fucked up right now to even begin cooperating, let alone play a decent chord together."
"And you think this will fix everything?" Grayson asked.
"I think it'll be a step closer in getting our heads out of our asses. Is that good enough for you?"
And he wasn't...well, he wasn't wrong, and as much as they all seemed to shy away from the idea, there was no denying that it wouldn't help.
"Good." Chris nodded to himself. "I'll start then. Phil?" He looked over at Phil with a determined look on his face, and took a deep breath. "I've always known about you and Dan."
"What?"
"Look, before you get mad," Chris said quickly, trying to reassure him, and it took all of his willpower not to snap at him. "I didn't tell you because I saw how happy he made you."
"And you thought not telling me would make it easier?" Phil asked in disbelief. "You don't know how fucking paranoid I was all the time, that you would find out and get angry, and shut me out. It would have been so much better, I...we wouldn't be in this mess if you had told me."
"I'm sorry," Chris said softly.
Phil shook his head and sighed heavily, burying his face in his hands. "Well, this is off to a great start," he muttered with a sarcastic laugh.
It went silent again, and Phil was starting to think they would just give up and try to work through it another way, when Grayson spoke up.
"I, um," he said, staring down at his knees and tangling his fingers together nervously. He seemed uncomfortable with all of them looking at him. "I just want to say I'm really glad I became friends with you guys. Even with all the shit we've caused lately. Before I..." He swallowed thickly. "Before I started singing with you guys, I wasn't a very confident person, and I wasn't open about myself. About liking guys. When I met you, it was...easy, so easy to say it out loud, I'd been so terrified before, that I would never be accepted because of it, but you didn't care and that was....that was good for me." He swiped a hand across his face and gave them a watery smile. "So thanks, I guess."
Phil's heart was racing in his chest but he had no idea what to say to all of that. This whole thing was new and different, and he didn't yet know if he liked it, but they were talking, at least.
"Glad we could help, then," Chris said, and Gray nodded and laughed. "Anyone else?"
Elliot crossed his arms over his chest, a few strands of blue hair falling across his eyes. He still looked entirely unhappy with the situation that was being forced on them, but he was well aware of the consequences of not participating.
"Fine, just--" he said, refusing to look at any of them directly. "Lately, I've been really...confused. About lots of things, what I want and how to deal with it. And stressing out about it all the time isn't good, I know that, but I never thought I had someone I could go to about it."
He paused, and they were all staring at him in silent anticipation.
"My parents are moving to Brighton," he said quickly, like he was trying to make it less impactful. "And...so am I."
It's like they all stop breathing at the same time, and the room goes dead silent and Elliot is still staring at his knees, picking at the frayed edges of his jeans with shaking hands.
"When?" Grayson breaks the tense silence, staring at Ellie with a look of shock and anger and sadness all mixed in one, and it's obvious why he's so scared. More than the rest of them, at least.
Elliot manages a small smile. "I'll be able to do FTC, don't worry--"
"That's now what I'm worried about, I--"
"Grayson, please." The pleading tone in his voice is enough to stop Grayson from whatever he'd been about to say. "I don't want to leave just as much as you guys don't want me to, but I don't have much of a choice, do I? Nowhere else I can go."
"I'm sorry, Elliot," Chris said gently, and it wasn't the best reassurance, but it was all he could offer. And he genuinely meant it. Phil didn't know what else he could possibly contribute, and Grayson stayed silent as well.
And it was his turn now, wasn't it? To confess any secrets he hadn't already outed or talk about his feelings. The attention was all on him now, and he barely managed to remember how to breathe properly.
"Look," he started slowly, tucking into himself and trying to seem as small as possible. "You guys know I'm not someone who's particularly good at 'expressing my emotions' and shit. This past month has been, a lot of things; messy and angry and miserable and almost intolerable. But it's also been....enlightening, I suppose."
He didn't know where he was going with this, but he wasn't lying.
"I fucked up big time with this guy I really liked, and I know I shouldn't blame myself, but it's hard because part of it was my fault. It wasn't just him and it wasn't just me, and I'm realizing that I shouldn't cut myself up about it. Slowly but surely or whatever. And Chris...I've been a real dick to you, a lot, and I don't think I can say sorry enough to make up for it, but I am so sorry. Grayson, we," he laughs slightly and shakes his head. "We're probably the most fucked up in the group, and I don't deserve the good things you've done for me; I don't deserve your forgiveness. And Elliot, you have to be the best guy I know. Thanks for, always being there and stuff, for all of us, no matter we've done. I'm gonna miss you."
He didn't think it would turn into that huge apology, but it feels fucking amazing finally saying it all out loud, and he didn't realize he'd started crying until the tears are staining his jean-clad knees that are pulled up to his chin. He's cried way too much lately, and he was sure this wouldn't be the last time.
A pair of arms wrap around him suddenly, circling his neck and pulling him into a tight hug, and he can't tell who it is but it doesn't matter because then it's two pairs, and then they're all hugging each other, a big pile of sobbing teenagers. Phil laughs and clutches the fabric of their shirts in his hands.
These guys are some of the most important people in his life, and right now, they're beginning to repair themselves. Slowly but surely.
***
a/n: what's up guys and gals and nonbinary pals
it's one in the morning and i'm binge watching scary movies, guess who's definitely not going to sleep tonight :') it's me if you didn't guess that
only three chapters left
peace :3