"Hello?"
"I'm disappointed to see you aren't providing your services anymore, I really thought you were going to make a name for yourself."
"Are you that weird guy who called me before? Didn't I tell you to forget this number? Why do you keeping shitting at this bar and why do you keep calling me when you're doing it?"
"Conversation really helps it all go down a lot smoother, don't you think? Nature's laxative. Thing of beauty."
"So you're starting therapy next week then?"
"Who needs therapy when I have you?"
"Normal, functioning human beings who don't call random strangers when they're on the toilet. You know, those people."
"Strangers? We were going to commit murder together; does that mean nothing to you?"
"That's actually already been taken care of. I put glue in her conditioner. Fuck you, Marie."
"Wow you're kind of evil. I think I like it? I've never had a boner while taking a dump before but I think you've awakened something in me."
"Gross! Are you actually taking a shit right now? Do you actually think this is okay? I don't even think therapy can save you at this point."
"I could or could not be, you'll never know, darling."
"Don't call me darling. I'll put glue in your conditioner."
"Jokes on you, I use two-in-one like a real man and my hair is soft like a fluffy-ass kitten. Plus, you don't even know who I am."
"I'm sure if I went into Fat Cat's and asked everyone who their resident shitter is, they'll point me directly to you."
"That's my identifier, really?"
"That, or the creep who keeps calling poor, unsuspecting girls after they've clearly told you to forget their number. You can pick, I'm feeling generous."
"I'll take boy genius with the soft hair and excellent conversation skills."
"Ah, so you chose bold-face liar."
"Have I ever lied to you?"
"Probably, considering we're strangers who have only exchanged meaningless phone conversations and I have no way to verify that you're even actually a human being."
"You think our phone conversations are meaningless? You wound me."
"... Was that a flush? Did I just hear you flush?"
"... I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky. These allegations are false. I need to go back to work for the American people."
"Gross, I'm hanging up. You're disgusting. Bye."
***
i don't know where this comes from it just happens but look how consistent these updates are. also just a heads up, in case you are somehow still watching the o.c. there will be spoilers.
BUT SERIOUSLY.
A DECADE AGO.
also deds to amanda because she is the sweetest c: