Coming home is...an experience. I head straight to Nick's to confess where I'd actually been. Lucky for me he's not one for social media so it was a softer blow hearing it from me rather than someone else somewhere on the internet.
He's confused at first but slowly starts to understand I couldn't exactly tell him who my friends were if I was asked not to. He's nice like that. Trusting. Maybe a bit too trusting.
But that was an argument for another day.
Now, I know in my head I should have told Nick about Luke and the kissing and the feelings. I mean, I was already coming clean about the trip I might as well have told him it all. But for some reason I didn't. I couldn't. Whether that was because I still wanted to be with him or simply because I didn't think Luke was serious about his post-tour promises I couldn't quite tell.
Although talking to Nick was tough, nothing was more draining and harder than coming home to Haley and Sean.
While Haley's all give me every detail down to the last second, Sean is strictly scolds and how could you leave without us. It's exhausting and time consuming and by the end of it they're far from satisfied.
There's some things I do keep out of the details so they get the same explanation Nick got but a bit more details on Calum's naked bum. I figure it's best for everyone that what Luke and I shared stay between us until everything is squared away.
Sean says he forgives me but spends the week muttering things under his breath and being petty.
-
Luke being on tour and going from city to city proves to be difficult. The more he's on the move the less time we have to talk to each other. If I'm lucky I'll get a morning text from him because he's usually too tired by the end of the night to pick up his phone and he likes to remind me he hasn't forgotten me yet.
It's sweet sure and I admit they are texts I definitely look forward to but this was only proving my point further. This was no way to have a relationship and I find myself in awe of how his girlfriend can do it.
Granted maybe it's different with her. Maybe he actually puts in an effort to text her more than once and call or even Skype. It's justified of course. She's his girlfriend. I was not. Girlfriends rank over friends when you're touring for sure.
Did that mean I didn't spend half my nights staying up thinking about how much I disliked her? Absolutely not.
I knew it wasn't her fault, I knew she didn't really have a say in it but I didn't care. She was the enemy. She was the girl who had his heart. The girl who could hold his hand whenever she wanted, wherever she wanted.
She got to kiss his incredibly soft lips and tell everyone he was hers. She got him in every possible way. More so than I do or probably ever will and I was feeling a feeling I'd never felt before.
A weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that felt a little like anger and sometimes my heart does this thing when I see them together. Apparently it's jealousy or so says google. But I don't get jealous. I've never actually been jealous.
Well, maybe once when I was seven and Haley got a puppy the week I begged my mom for one and ended up with a lecture about not being ready for one instead.
And much like now I was bitter and thought ignoring Haley would somehow help. It didn't. It just meant I had no dog and no best friend. Haley's mom returned it a few weeks later anyway, the dog peed in one of her favorite expensive shoes and Haley said it didn't even really like her much.
Unlike that experience, I don't go for the silent treatment. My first instinct was to ignore Luke, yes, but then I realized what good would that do? He was already halfway around the world the last thing we needed was more distance.
The plan was to be there.
Since he didn't have a lot of time anyway what few times we did have to talk I was available and not the least bit petty. It was almost like old times which I wasn't sure was a good thing or bad thing.
I realize our talk got us nowhere because I was still completely lost on what we were and what we were doing. Were we strictly friends again? Were we friends with a little more? Were we friends with benefits? Was he waiting for me to break up with Nick? Was he planning on breaking up with Hazel? So many questions literally no answers.
Oh no, wait. There was a maybe tiny possible chance we may or may not kiss the next time we see each other.
I mean what the hell was that? What did that even mean? Why were we like this?
Answers or no answers I was missing him like I probably shouldn't be. So I try to Skype him more than once but he's busy each day until finally one day he skypes me.
"Hey," I say miserably into the computer screen. "What's wrong?" Luke frowns. I bite my lip and contemplate admitting the truth or telling a fib. "I don't want to say," I opt for something that meets in the middle. Luke's frown deepens. "Why not? We tell each other everything." He's not wrong. Usually we share things with no hesitation or holding back.
But this was different. This was an us thing. And since 'us' is very complicated nowadays I didn't know how exactly to express this one.
"It's nothing," I shrug. I know we talked before I left but like I said, it got us nowhere. We never really touched on what was okay and what wasn't. I didn't know what exactly we were anymore and what I was allowed to do or say.
"P," Luke persists. "It's just..." I sigh. "It's not important. Tell me about your day." I try to collect myself and steer this conversation in a different direction. "My day was boring. Tell me what's wrong," Luke dismisses without so much as a bat of the eye.
"I doubt that and I don't want to," I pout. "P, if something's wrong I want to know if it's something I did or even if it isn't I still want to help make it better," he coos sweetly. My heart aches.
"It's stupid," I mutter. "Try me." "You'll think I'm just being silly...you'll laugh at me," I look away from the screen feeling embarrassed by my own feelings. "I promise I wont laugh," Luke says firmly. "I don't want to say it." "P, you know you can tell me anything," he breathes.
I look down at my phone laying flat against my sheets. "I'll text it to you," I decide and with a quick glance to the confused blue eyed boy on the screen I pick it up and begin typing.
P: I miss you
I hold my breath, watching him carefully as he fishes out his phone from his pocket and looks over the small rectangular screen.
"Told you it was stupid," I mumble out with warm cheeks when he doesn't respond after a minute. "Penelope please I'm trying text this loser back," he says lightheartedly. "Hey," I pout. He giggles, sparing me an eye twinkling glance.
Yodel: Penelope Day, there hasn't been a single day since you left that I haven't missed you, your weird sense of humor, and your insanely talented lips.
My cheeks warm even more and I bite back a smile. "Luke." "It's true. And don't think I didn't notice you snuck off with my favorite shirt," he smiles into the cam.
"Delete that, what if someone sees it?" I say instead of telling him how the days are so much longer without his lips to pass the time, or how the nights are so much colder without his warm body pressed against mine, or how much my heart aches to feel his skin beneath my fingertips again.
"Relax. My phone is with me all the time no one will see it. Besides, I'd be more worried about your FBI roommates," he hums. "I guess, but I've heard your girlfriend can be way less understanding," I don't know why I say it but I do.
Maybe I wasn't so good at hiding my pettiness after all. "What?" Luke's eyebrows pull together and he draws back a bit. "What?" I repeat. "P-" "I was kidding, please don't make this a big deal," I rush.
The thing is, I wasn't exactly kidding. I may have promised Luke months ago that I wouldn't read into the things said online or in magazines but that was after just finding out who he was. Now was different.
Now I know him and I'd like to think I can tell the bogus stories from the real ones. So I snoop a bit here and there just to keep up and if that means occasionally going through posts about his apparently unliked girlfriend then so be it.
Plus although I'd deny it in a heart beat, it made it a lot easier for me to write her off as a bad person and dislike her.
"I have to go, please just delete the text. For me? I'll sleep better knowing no one will somehow find it," I plea with wide eyes. "I don't want to delete it. I meant what I said," Luke insists. "Lucas," I sigh. "Use my full name all you want. I'm not deleting it," he says matter-of-fact. "You stubborn boy," I shake my head with a warm heart. "That's why you like me though right?" He grins widely.
I roll my eyes. "Goodbye, you pain in my butt." "Goodnight, you adorably lame loser," Luke replies in the same tone, giggling before I hit the end call button.
-
"So when are you breaking up with Nick?" Sean plops down on the spot next to me. "What?" I crease my brows and tear my eyes away from my laptop screen. "I mean, you are going to break up with him right? That's what this secret getaway with your mistress was?" I blink dumbly at him baffled for words.
"First of all," I shut my laptop. "That was not a secret getaway and Luke is not my mistress."
"Penelope, if you think I'm that naive maybe we don't know each other as well as I thought we did," Sean replies in mock offense. "Look, I don't know what you think you know but you clearly know nothing. Luke is a friend. I visited him on tour where we were surrounded by three other people the entire time not including their entire stage crew and security. It was far from a lovers getaway," I scuff almost believing myself.
"I'm just saying. You two are always texting, calling, skyping. Then one day you just up and leave us, lying about where you went only to end up with him for almost two weeks." I roll my eyes.
"Will you cut the interrogation act please. So we talk? It's hardly a secret with you and Haley lingering around and listening to every one of our conversations. And as for the trip, it was Calum's idea to lie about where I was going because knowing you two, you would have ruined the surprise." I retort easily.
"You're just angry Calum didn't include you in the trip," I add with my chin up. Sean sulks. "Well everyone's making bets on how long your relationships will last," he hums smartly. "And who exactly is everyone?" I chuckle. "The internet," Sean says, shoving his phone in my face.
"All these people are talking about my relationship?" I gape, scrolling down the ongoing posts. "Yep. If it's any condolences, most of them are pulling for you and Luke." "Yeah not so much this person," I gulp reading the unnecessary rude comment about me. "Wait. Crap. Don't read that one," Sean snatches his phone back. "Are a lot of them like that?" I frown.
"No. And don't go looking for them! Those are just immature girls that don't realize what they're saying." I bite my lip seeing the words over and over in my head. "Listen. You're just new to their world. They see you and the boys they know and love and they ache a little. It's not even about you El, they don't know you," Sean tries to sooth the burn. But it's too late. I can't unsee it and it was burning a hole in my brain.
This is why I read them with Michael. He'd be making me laugh and helping me forget by now.
"I'm fine. It's fine," I shrug. I'm not sure which one of us I'm trying to convince. "If if makes you feel better I'm betting on you," he offers soft and hopeful.
I smile if anything to not worry him. I'm not one to be effected by things but for some reason I couldn't shake the comment.
"Thank you. It does help. I think I'm going to go to bed now," I yawn, getting up from the couch. "Are you sure you're okay?" Sean asks when I get to the doorway. I hum with a nod.
"Luke's gonna kill me," he grumbles under his breath with a sigh just before I shut my door.
I was fine. Really. I just missed a boy that wasn't mine and couldn't talk to said boy. So I lie in bed and have a look through all the other posts and tweets and comments until my eyelids can longer stay open.
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This was more of a filler but hopefully I'll update again very soon!
In the meantime comments & votes are always nice! (: